I am a 40 year old UofU pscyh student preparing for grad school. Live in PC. Hubby of 17 years works at ski resort year-round. He can't connect with us on an intimate emotional level. He's a functioning alcoholic who got that start when he left home and went straight to the ski hill at age 17. Now he is 45.

One day hubby said that since he lied to the bishops about the uncomfortable questions they drilled him about to see if he was "temple worthy," that he has always felt responsible for all those he was baptized in the name of for going to hell. Does he still believe this? I doubt it, he doesn't believe in the church, yet he still can't say anything that bad about it, but that those poor people are misled.

Our kids (14 and 17 years old) are extremely bright, yet different. They have high-functioning autism. I play roles of both parents. My son is doing GED and trying to get an internship in SLC. Daughter is a mad-artist. Enrolling her in high school of performing arts next year. She has battled depression and anxiety for years. Mood issues.

Here is why I explain all this. My dad has Alzheimer's and is in the hospital. I asked his parents (whom go babysat their LDS grandchildren in CA 5 times a year, sometimes two weeks at a time). They come see us about once a year for 2 days staying at a hotel, then stay with other family (they live in another state).

I asked by text, "could you come stay with the kids so I can go help my dad? I am feeling so alone, exhausted, don't know what to do, in pain, I miss my dad. He could die in a few months. Even if its next month or the month after?"

In-Law answer: "we need to help our son in CA while they go on vacation. We are watching little blah blah. I'm so sorry honey, I wish there were something we could do. I understand a little how you feel I get anxious sometimes too."

My answer back:

"Anxious? No one supported me or believed my children had autism for 10 years. Not even my husband. Sorry, just please don't mention going to take care of other grand kids. The ones who really need the help can't find it. I thought families were forever- and the only ones we can truly count on. And please, help your son! He carries guilt over the lives of people that for most his life he believed he might have gone to hell for not being "temple worthy." Please choose your son and his kids over the mormon church. Your son is hurting so bad right now. For me I am too hurt; I must say goodbye."

Now I feel horrible, anxious, depressed for cutting the cord. Afraid it will get back to hubby.

I guess I just need to know how much of this sounds like unresolved issues and brainwashing by the LDS church. Are "jack mormons" a lost cause? Should I drill him for the truth? I know he doesn't want to be like this, but he won't open up. He is scared to death that someone will break through his walls. There is something else there. Before we were married. Maybe I need to keep asking. Maybe he needs to get his names of the records to kind of cut the cord?

All I want is a husband who cares, who will try, who will do things with the kids. I'm starting to believe that a step-dad would be a better dad than their own dad. If I found the right guy...a non-narcissistic guy one day.

:(



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2016 12:10AM by utahpscyh.

Okay, but I remember an old friend who mailed me the following poem:

i have watched you stand there . . .

i have watched you stand there all day
with a dark cloud low over your head
you keep turning, pointing,
telling anyone who’s near, “look
there’s a dark cloud over my head,”
and asking,
“how can i live
with this dark cloud over my head?”
move, you silly bastard!

—John Skapski

/tough love voice off

Cabbie, that's a hard line. But then, you know, the research project...You're a wise man, Cabbie.

That is so true. I actually edited my post as you were responding...to shorten it.

Its long and convoluted. How much of this would you think is due to him not working through the hurt of his life growing up?

3 therapists said LEAVE. How does a mom of two kids with autism, who is in school trying to be something leave. I guess I feel that if he has things to work out that aren't about me...then I want to help. But I can't do it for him.

Great quote. Got one over my head now. Gotta move eh.

This is a huge load you are carrying.

Glad someone does. thank you :) I don't want to hurt her.

You have some issues yourself. If you think some other man is going to find your situation something he wants to get involved with you need to really stop and evaluate your chances of that happening.

I respect the empathy you feel for your husband. However, granted that you have 2 teenage children together who sound like they require some pretty solid parenting, I would say you should do as much as you can to stay focused on them. From the tenor of your post it doesn't sound like your husband is a very involved parent- or husband- and your schooling and your children should be #1 for you.

Actually, you need to be #1. you can't be anything to anyone if you don't take care of yourself first, either a good student or a good mother. It's one of those paradoxes.

Good luck, I know what it's like to live with high-functioning autistics. It can be very challenging.

I'm glad that you got that off your chest with your in-laws. Sometimes people need a reality check. However it is unrealistic to expect that they will change their ways. They are clearly expressing their preferences in their visitation habits, and the two days a year they give to you are their attempt to be (or to appear to be) evenhanded. You will not be getting any more from them.

>>All I want is a husband who cares, who will try, who will do things with the kids.

That would not be the one that you have. You've had 20 years to figure out what you've got with him. It isn't going to change.

The thing is, it sounds like you are stuck. If you are unwilling to make a change at present, I would at a minimum quit expecting that which you will never get (from your husband and in-laws.)

You could benefit from Al-Anon for the spouses of alcoholics. Surely there's one with meetups in PC. It will give you what you're lacking there in terms of support and understanding.

The in-laws may just not be able to cope with their adult alcoholic child, and autistic grandchildren. Which would explain their reluctance to want to help out. They may see it as enabling their son rather than helping him.

As for the 'cloud poem' shared by Cabbie, may be something to it but for some people and their problems that little cloud moves with them where they go. We cannot escape our problems no matter how far we run - they have a way of finding us.

Face that you're really parenting three there, and you're the quintessential caregiver as mom and nurturer. Your husband should be in treatment but he's not. Al-Anon helps you to cope with things as they are by keeping the focus on your recovery so in turn you'll be in a better position to help those children and maybe their father.

Depression, diabetes, and alcoholism are from the same problem: sugar. The very first thing to do is to get your husband, father, and your children to drink coffee. It helps. Indeed, jackmo alcoholics are going to get cirrosis of the liver if they don't drink coffee. Also, seek a religion like Presbyterianism where one knows they are chosen and will get to heaven.

Sugar isn't the problem; it's another symptom when "cravings" arise. Dopamine structures are involved. Despite the "fu fu crowd" seeking to demonize white sugar, the worst one can say about sugar is that it consists of empty calories and is a big factor in dental caries...

https://www.drugabuse.gov/videos/dr-nora-volkow-addiction-disease-free-will

http://bigthink.com/videos/the-unyielding-power-of-dopamine

http://www.pnas.org/content/108/37/15037.full



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2016 10:47AM by SL Cabbie.

Wait, please. I almost wish you had not deleted the longer content, because I'm confused.

Husband doesn't assist or comfort you, nor do his parents. You finally get testy with inlaws, and are concerned they will tell husband.

So what? What's he going to do, help even less with his own children? Same goes for inlaws.

If he's wasted his life being more concerned about the afterlives of strangers than the living family he created, I'm not sure what more you could do, beyond giving birth, to show him the difference between life and afterlife.

You've been taking care of so many for so long, that you may have forgotten that your feelings matter, too. You must be exhausted. Think of how you would want your daughter to respond if she were in a similar situation, and do that. That's the "sneak" litmus test, one of the best gifts of having children. The love and concern we have for them can force us into an honest examination of ourselves, our own behaviors.

And there's an answer. It's inside of you. I don't think you are one bit screwy in your priorities, but that you have other adults in your life to whom you've always been a good friend, but they haven't returned the favor when you've needed it.

You asked for help from inlaws, so it's not that you won't ask. With your husband, do you ask, and he says no, or have you learned not to ask? Either way, for 17 years, that is not a husband.

As to his untreated alcoholism, abstinence without treatment is hell for all concerned. Amyjo is right about Al-Anon. If you've never been, just go. Listen to the chaos created by alcoholics, how they use others, how they "make" others responsible for their (the alcoholic's) feelings, and you will begin to understand how you were sucked into his emotional wasteland for 17 years. You don't have to talk, but eventually, you may want to. There will be others there with "dry" alcoholic spouses.

I'm very sorry about your dad. Your kids, treatment in al-anon for you, your school, your dad. The order will change as needs do. You are not responsible for how other adults feel, you can't control it, you have nothing left to give them. You are burnt out and burnt up. Let them figure out their own lives.

The therapists are probably right, but so are you. You have too much on your plate already to make another big change right now. You'll know if and when the time is right, so don't push yourself into an action that will add stress. You can still emotionally disengage without physically changing your living environment that much. If you want your own bedroom, do that, or whatever you feel strongly about.

Don't be too surprised if he appears to start taking more interest. You have been his emotional lifeline, and he will be sensitive to any threat thereof. That's the co-dependent draw of alcoholism, but is not REAL change. His "concern" is not really about your needs or feelings, but his. It only APPEARS to give you control, but does not. That's why you need al-anon.

You are the repository for his emotional garbage. It's not your job. He needs professional help, and it's up to him to get it. You need an adult help-mate, and he's failed in helping with the family he created. He's stood silent in the face of his family's emotional abuse of you and your children, leaving it to you to deal with. They are not your job, they don't help, so stop worrying about the messes the lot of them create. You are not their emotional maid.

One more time: Your kids, treatment in al-anon for you, your school, your dad. (And if they don't already, the kids should know how to operate the washer/dryer, dishwasher and microwave.)

That's plenty enough on your coping plate. Tell them NO MORE. Put the list on the fridge.

My best to you.

It's not directly related ... but I know around here they offer special summer camps for kids with autism. Maybe that could give you a break - even if only for a couple of days?

Between Amyjo and why4me, I'm not sure I can add anything else of value, but you do need help. Your hands are so full! I want to hug you, but that probably wouldn't help you much either.

I would recommend googling for some senior services in your area to get some outside-the-family help for your parents. And maybe you can find some support groups/networks for help with your kids as well. At least you might be able to find some vetted professional caregivers to give you some respite while you are bouncing from taking care of one person to the next.

And I third (fourth?) the Al-Anon recommendation. You may feel as though you have no time for that, but I think it would help you emotionally disengage from your husband and learn to set better boundaries. I'm sure it's very difficult to find a time when he's sober and coherent and mentally engaged, to have discussions about serious matters. He's numbing himself and needs his own therapy, but you worry about yourself and your children first. He should be an adult and a partner in the relationship, but you are essentially a married single mom.

Read Co-dependent No More. It wii change your life.

try Jesus, OPie

(srs)


+ + +


IN B4 ~ 1 Corinthians 7:13-14

~ And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. ~

~ For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband ~