As the old fart was giving my patriarchal blessing, I kept thinking, "None of this has anything to do with me."

One thing that stuck out was his promise that if I lived the gospel, blah blah blah, my home would become a welcoming place where people would love to gather. Um, Brother Patriarch, I'm an introvert. The last thing I'd want is people always coming by, sucking up my energy, invading my space.

Another was when he talked about me marrying a worthy daughter in Zion and having many fine children blah blah blah. At that time I wasn't all that sold on the idea of marriage, but I knew for certain I would never want to be a parent. (I married briefly in my late 30s, to a nevermo, who also didn't want kids.)

So, basically, he told me that if I were a really good Mormon, my life would be hell. Some "blessing."

Wow Stray Mutt...you dodged a bullet on that PB...good thing you left when you did huh!!!

Or so it seems to me...

Mine said that I'm not afraid of the truth. Stinks for them!!!

:D

kathleen Wrote:
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> Mine said that I'm not afraid of the truth.
> Stinks for them!!!

Now *that* is hilarious! :)

Mine has all sorts of boilerplate mormony promised blessings. And of course it predicts I'd do a mission (score one for the old patriarch, I did), marry in the temple (nope), be a leader in the church (nope), bring many people to the gospel (nope), and have many children who will bless my name (is 3 "many?" nope).

They're so silly with their fortune-telling.

Patriarchal blessings are so easy to give in a one-size-fits-all church.

A friend was visiting us last night and told us the "amazing!" story about her friend who died in a car accident many years ago. Her friend had just received his PB a few days before dying, so the Patriarch typed it up quick for his family when he heard that the boy died. In it he said "your life on earth is complete, you have finished your work." or something like that.

I would bet a new set of garments that the patriarch added that after the friend died.

My dad was a patriarch and used edit and rewrite his blessings many times before actually giving the typed version to them.

Exactly!

A family member recently got his PB, and the patriarch told him he would edit it if needed, so don't be surprised if it isn't exactly the same written up as when he spoke it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2016 03:47PM by liesarenotuseful.

Probably not when I was a sheeple, maybe since I left the flock. :) Anyway, I don't think having others envy you is something positive.

I can't remember much of the BS, oh he promised I'd see Jesus 2nd coming oh wow. I've heard that they don't mean it literally, though.

That about sums up why Mormons are always so self-defeating and prone to mental illness.

Once I shared a lot of my PB with my sister. We got our blessings from the same patriarch. She was amazed and said that our blessings were almost exactly alike. At the time I figured that must be because we were sisters. Later I realized the patriarch probably just had a set template which he defaulted to if he didn't have any particular inspiration at the time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2016 09:00AM by alyssum.

Thanks for the laugh, Stray Mutt. No wonder you left the church! If you hadn't, you'd be stuck with kids and house guests you didn't want.

I wonder why more people don't question the promises made to ALL the faithful:

Like Eternal increase (No thanks, 3 kids is enough).

Like polygamy (No thanks, I don't want to share my husband).

Like being a god of their own planet. (No, it's not my dream to have millions of people constantly praying for their food to be blessed and to help find their car keys).

Like living with their family for all eternity (Can we pick and choose which ones? And BTW, my family is rather large. When they saying 'living with' your family, does that mean in your own small town, or in one gigantic mansion?)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2016 09:59AM by imaworkinonit.

I was newly reactive and waiting for a mission call at 22 years old and part of my full immersion back into church was getting the PB, so I was all eager to see the magic work!

One thing always stuck out in my benign, boring, same as everyone else's no matter who gave it blessing, was when he said I would serve my mission in "one of the four corners of the earth".

First I thought...whats with the dark ages, flat earth comparison? The earth doesn't have four corners, its round. And second, he basically said I would serve somewhere in the world....duh!

The rest was the same "you'll be blessed with all the trappings of mormonism" stuff. I wasn't impressed with my blessing.

The patriarch must have been inspired.

After all, the you left the fold, and got to live your life without those "blessings" you didn't want.

Hooray!

Mine blessed me with a large, beautiful house that I would cherish, and it drove my husband crazy trying to fulfill it. I love my medium sized condo. We have lived in large homes before, but either they were rentals, or not one I cherished.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2016 11:56AM by liesarenotuseful.

My baloney has a first name....... lol.

Patriarchal blessings are full of them. Mine told me that I could always refer to it for comfort - but like yours, it was full of stuff that seemed to go counter to my true desires for life. Not much comfort there.

It also told me to keep reading good books and my testimony would flourish - guess Rough Stone Rolling wasn't a "good" book. ;)

I also had a friend that was promised in his blessing that his children would play a key role in bringing about the second coming. That friend died in his late 20's before he could have kids. That was one of the early items on my shelf. Now it's easy to see how they just blather on and make it all up.

Silly mormons. Fortune telling = of the devil. Patriarchal blessings = divine.

I wanted mine so badly when I turned 12, that my parents caved in, and our patriarch gave my brother and me both our blessings on the same day (my brother had just turned 16.)

He was a sweet and kindly old man with a sweet wife. We went in for our pre-blessing interview where he took a few moments to get a sense of who I was, and then I sat for the blessing.

Weeks later it came neatly type-written from Salt Lake City to my mailbox, in a 5 cent postage stamped envelope. I still have to this day.

At the time it brought me great comfort when my parents divorced 3 years later, and my family went through sheer hell because of their breakup. It was one thing that I could cling to when the storms of life passed over - even though it was a crock as I would find out years later.

Some of it is still meaningful, and just practical advice a parent would give to a child. That's pretty much how I see it now.

PB's scream the TSCC is false. Mine said I would lead people. Come to think of it I did lead some people to a open ticket window at sold out Dodger game once in 1972.

This is a great topic line. My blessing makes a big point of stating that in the last days, I would have the courage to stand for truth against persecution. My blessing was absolute right. For at least 20 years I made a point to correct all of the absurdities, inconsistencies, and pure falsehoods in both the Elders Quorum and High Priest Group lessons. I am not really sure that's what the Patriarch had in mind, but truth talks and bullshit walks!

"So, basically, he told me that if I were a really good Mormon, my life would be hell. Some "blessing."

That's hilarious, Stray Mutt. Yeah, that's basically what we were told and guess what. For some of us, they were right. Those "blessings" really fuck with your head.