What I know is that I have been diagnosed with ADHD. I cannot afford my medication at the moment, but I have coping skills now I never had before that should hold me over temporarily. What I suspect is that there is a serious, perhaps diagnosable, side of OCD symptoms to boot — I notice this especially in my thinking. I have a lot of cognitive/emotional impairments to sort out, and I don't know if I know all the names of what I may have yet, but it's dire to find out what because it makes it impossible to hold a job because it makes being around other people a living hell.

Mormonism has taken advantage of my weaknesses and made it all worse in a hundred ways, but I was primed to struggle with or without Mormonism by my genes. I am convinced of this now. I spit on Mormonism because it is not true, and it is not even benign: it is a false cure and it lies to you about its lies to keep you subscribed. So, the whole first two and a half decades of my life being a "detour" for my mental health that ended up being a dead end didn't help, but there remains much more for me to figure out besides religion.

My father, a chiropractor, thinks he screwed me up because I was the only of his children he had partially immunized as a baby. I'm the only one who has had major cognitive impairments and mental illnesses, or at least been vocal about them. I'm the only one of his children who has made a habit of thinking, investigating, researching, and articulating my stance on something with the end goal of explaining it all to him, because he's always been the guy whose opinion was the word of God. He's a humble man, don't get me wrong, and I love him very much, but this is the sort of relationship I have had with him and my mother too. I say this, in part, so anyone who has been following my posts can understand my obsession and frustration with trying to make them understand. I do not share their enthusiasm for homeopathic remedies and their intense hatred of the medical establishment anymore. The text I said I sent them several posts back was, in part, about trying to implore their help seeing someone, a professional, about this and that... But I felt like my plea was falling on deaf ears. I got the impression they were receiving me as the stereotypical hippy leftist atheist child who bashes your religion and then takes advantage of your battered psyche to be a mooch and a druggie. So, I snapped and sent them a text full of my grievances with them but only after telling them I never wanted their financial assistance ever again. :/ I probably made a pretty stupid move biting their hand, but I've got to leave them behind in that sense sooner or later anyway, and it's already been long enough. Oh well.

I thought the urgency of being helpless would help get me a job, but those kinds of feeling, for me at least, don't translate directly into actions in my mind — those are the cognitive impairments I talked about. Or should I say emotional impairments? I don't know which. They blend together. The weight of how much there is to grasp and do, the necessities of life and having to do it on my own — these things weigh on me, overwhelm me, and frustrate me, so that to avoid getting anxious and depressed at clinical levels I have to mentally push the dish away from myself and walk away, if possible, to stay centered.

This is useful for rejecting the poisonous messages of hatred for others and also the self-contempt that one is forced to hear and feel daily within the Mormon bubble. But when it comes to getting and holding a job in 'the real world,' a world that favors extroverts... dear God someone help me! Because on my own, I'm no good at this stuff. It may be my willingness to self-diagnose is my naivety that Mormonism kept from maturing and these are the frustrations of someone who is having to learn how to live his life. Perhaps, to do justice to my own folks, I used them as a crutch too. Only these crutches were not my idea. My parents and their religion were in my face every day, every waking moment of my life. When I'm having a moment of introspection, I have no idea how much of my struggles are religiously induced, i.e. they wouldn't exist at all if I had been raised in a healthier social environment with access to better information, and how much of it would exist anyway but has been made worse by misdiagnosing it with Mormonism for so long.

I love writing. Writing forces me to slow down and articulate things I may not otherwise be able to understand myself if I never broke the frenzied funk of clustered thoughts that represents my default mental setting, as it seems most the time anyway. I loved writing before I was an exmo. It was how I coped with being a missionary when the same levels of anxiety and depression in other kids, I know now, would have gotten them honorably discharged and sent home. But they don't get sent home honorably when they are convinced — based on their lack of good information plus all those moments with priesthood leaders — that all their problems boil down to thinking about the ladies and merely 'saluting' that thought... if you know what I mean. Any understanding of my condition in the world where I could be 'honorably' anything eluded me. So I tried to do the mission thing to the best of my ability even though every impulse and fear I have made every day of 'wearing the mantle' like rubbing my brain with sandpaper. Writing helped me through it all. I kept a daily journal and filled four thick volumes. I've been tempted to burn them, but perhaps I shouldn't.

Perhaps, in another show of fairness, I developed my people skills — or rather the coping mechanisms I needed to deal with people in a minimal capacity — on my mission, evaluating every day in my writing. But 'lest I stand at risk of some TBM lurker getting too excited at this admission, may I remind my readers that I was motivated to push through my discomfort because the alternative was an intense feeling like I was a sinner in the hands of an angry God who would utterly lay waste to my life and kill me last just to teach me a lesson — ok, not quite the 'kill me' part, but I was afraid he would take one of my parents from this earth at that time just to get me to be serious (as if I wasn't already taking it too seriously). But really, I wished that God would just kill me already. I think this form of OCD-like behavior and thought patterns — and the sheer level of what you feel! — is often called Scrupulosity. I don't know much about it, though. I just want to say that writing, or the people skills I have developed in tandem with my writing ability, has saved my life probably more than once, and is how I reached out of my personal Mormon bubble and get the emotional validation I needed to shatter my ignorance without the shame.

I want to make a pledge, and I mean this, "I will not harm myself." I won't do it. I refuse to contemplate it anymore. It's these 'outs' I have neural connections to that may be blocking me in many ways. I don't get the job, becaue I'm afraid, and also because mom and dad are there in the back of my mind. They won't let me fail and they've always protected me from pain. Likewise, when people say they want to harm themselves but they don't want to die either, I think they're saying that life is so painful that to cope they've had to attach themselves to the idea that there is a place where the pain stops and they will be protected from feeling the pain they cannot escape ever for very long. They use the idea as a floatation device in a mental/emotional hurricane. Well, I say 'they,' but I mean me. These are the reasons why I think of these things. I never wanted to stop existing, nor did I ever merely say things to get attention. At some point the idea occurred to me and took on the flesh and blood of practically in a moment when it provided an 'out' for whatever pain I was feeling (yet again) at the time. I don't want to die, though. Does anyone? I just want the frustrations and disappointments and humiliations and depressions and anxiety attacks (the pains) to stop... But they keep tormenting me.

I hope some of this makes sense. I'm not asking for anyone's help beyond perhaps a comment with something supportive in it or containing useful information somehow. The rest of it, the writing process, is for me for the reasons I said, but somehow it doesnt have the same effect if I'm not writing it TO someone besides myself and with the intent to share it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/04/2016 09:09AM by Cold-Dodger.

C-D, I'm an introvert and I've been employed full time for nearly four decades now. My jobs have all involved working with people to one degree or another. I even worked in professional sales! Plenty of people on this board are introverts. One of my extended family was diagnosed with severe anxiety and also had OCD. She was employed for many years, most of it without meds.

Look at it this way -- you completed college by doing all the steps. You registered for classes. You attended classes. You took notes, read your books, and studied for tests. You wrote papers. You dealt with university officials as needed.

A job really isn't much different than that. Your employer will let you know their expectations. They will train you. If you ever need a question answered, a manager is just an intercom call away.

Most jobs are not a big deal. Out of the many jobs that I've had, I can only think of a couple that were truly anxiety-producing. For instance, working in a restaurant, although fun at times, was a huge stressor for me. And urban teaching was probably not my best match, although I've done it for two decades now.

Have you looked into health care options, i.e. Medicaid, the state health exchange (Obamacare,) etc.? Here, for instance, is information about Arizona:

https://www.medicaid.gov/medicaid-chip-program-information/by-state/stateprofile.html?state=arizona

If what I am reading is correct, with no income, you should be eligible.

This website might be helpful in comparing local prescription prices:

http://www.goodrx.com/

There have been times when I have needed to have a less expensive prescription. You can talk with your physician about more affordable options if needed.

Bottom line, you will be spending four or more decades of your life working. You need to get at it and give it a TRY. Try to get your medical issues sorted out ASAP, and start job hunting.

C-D, quick question. Have you ever had any kind of paid employment? Perhaps a summer job or during school?

I have been out for 12 years now. I struggle with depression and anxiety. Mormonism made that exponentially worse.The most helpful advice was let it go. That freed up enormous energy to confront people who behaved irrationally or cruelly (for whatever reason) and have frequently said this conversation isn't productive so I am not going to continue with this.

I invested in myself, and gave others the chance to do the same.You are bright, maybe explore some unusual jobs, get insurance and think about a good physical, a sleep study, or something elsa that makes sense to you. Trust yourself.you will find ways to get involved with ithers whose thinking has not been polluted. I am glad you are planning to stick around... I hopr you find peace and some pleasant surprises along the way.

Sort out what you can control, and what you can't control.

You can't control others, even close family. Let that go. Let them be themselves just as you want them to let you be yourself.

What can you control?

I can't answer that for you, but personally, I can't control my anxiety, but I can control taking the steps needed to manage it as best I can.

I can't control getting the employment I wish, but I can control taking the steps needed to achieve that goal.

Baby steps. One foot in front of the other. Day by day. There will be bumps in the road, but keep moving forward, even if it's two steps forward and one step back at times. Forgive yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else coming to you for help.

What helps me are checklists. Lol. I am a checker. I create outlines with the big goals, sub-goals, and individual steps needed to achieve them. And then I check them off as those things get accomplished. That way I can see the big picture, all the steps to get there, and the progress I'm making all in one glance, without getting overwhelmed. The big picture is nothing but a bunch of little steps taken to get there. I hope this helps in some way.

Hang in there CD. Just reasize that there are many many people who are having equally challenging or worse than yourself as hard as it may be to believe.

When I feel like a failure I have learned to compare down rather than up. I now have more compassion for others and look for oppertunities to reach and comfort those who are hurting.

I have read many of you previous posts. You seem to have some good qualities that will help you to persevere and figure things out. I suffer from the same things you mentioned, ie anxiety, depression etc. etc. and have discovered that my struggles in these things have helped me to excell and grow in other ways. It all takes much time but I feel you are on the right path.

Genius is usually a mixed bag. Don't sweat the downside so much. I think you're underestimating the power you have. The world is made of language. He who controls language controls the world. You have a kick-ass command of written language. If you want to, you can do great things. And I'd be surprised if you don't.

Writing helps me also. There have been times, like now in my life where I feel like I couldn't have made it any other way. My family made me feel like it was me that was crazy. I was the one that made myself unhappy. If I would just go to church and conform I wouldn't feel like I don't belong. No it's the cult and I realize that now. People outside of the church just don't realize what a true mindfuck it is-and I never usually cuss-I just don't know how to put that any other way. Sometimes it's like you have to be your own best friend, your own advocate, your own sounding board because some people just don't be the complexities of your family and the church. I am glad you have an outlet to help you through it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/04/2016 03:03PM by jigglypuff.

First off, get yourself some composition books, those cheap writing books from school, and fill them up with morning pages.

I am a firm believer in viewing your experience as a failure to differentiate due to Mormon brainwashing, rather than pathology.

If you think of yourself as someone who woke up to a completely different world view, like Neo in the Matrix, and everything you once believed is false, well of course you'd have anxiety. You would feel stupid, even though you aren't, and you'd naturally lack confidence in your own judgment.

When I was reconstituting my personality, I used a book by Julia Cameron, "The Artist's Way," which has maintained a steady popularity for more than twenty years. It was written to help creatives work around creativity blocks, but many average people found tremendous help in the structure of this workbook.

The workbook helps you get to know yourself better by paying more attention to the things that attract you. This is also a form of self-respect (which is deliberately eroded by Mormonism who teaches you to view yourself as worthless without the gospel).

For example, the book instructed me to make an "Artist's Date" with myself once a week to provide raw material for later use in expression (writing, art, etc). I raised nine children in Mormonism and never, ever planned an entire day of activities for myself. It felt selfish, it felt weird. I started with breakfast at my fav little cozy diner, then on to the library, the thrift store, a sandwich on the beach for lunch, the bookstore, you get the idea.

When I got home, I noted the people and things that attracted my interest. One was a book on intuition--I'd always wanted to know more about that. I learned that following your intuition strengthens your confidence and your intuition for the next insight.

Long story short, I recovered slowly from many false ideas that a lifetime of religious indoctrination had placed in my head. I no longer feel a formless anxiety which I used to think was "energy" and I sleep like a baby.

Since you and I share a love of language and writing, I suggest you get yourself some structure for a recovery of personality and confidence. Remember that your "being" is largely a result of your DNA, so forget about Mormonism causing any lasting mental illness, unless you already have a genetic propensity.

I think you will enjoy writing therapy and definitely burn the Morning pages. I wrote one whole book about one ungrateful daughter and how she had hurt me, repeating myself over and over. She and I are close today and I would die if she were to read those morning pages after I pass. When I burned those on the beach and watched the smoke go up and up, I felt lighter.

Well, maybe it was because I was burning divorce papers at the same time, but you get the idea...

Best of luck, my friend. Mormonism stole some years from you for sure, but they could not crush your spirit or you wouldn't be posting on RfM today.

I admire you


Kathleen

There are some very good points above.

But, there's your well-founded suspicion that it's more than "normal" de- and re- programming that's going on. General non-prfessional medical advice us to pay attention to your instincts. When we are discussing the brain, it gets more complicated, because how does a brain differentiate between "organic illness," "emotional illness," or "developmental (mormon) illness"? And what if it's a mixture?


You need sound medical advice. Please read this, because you've mentioned it:

http://www.aane.org/about_asperger_syndrome/living_asperger_syndrome_adults.html

If you think it sounds like you, read this:

http://www.aane.org/about_asperger_syndrome/asperger_syndrome_diagnosis_adults.html

If you have never gotten Cognitive Behavior Therapy, please find someone who does it. It isn't the typical talk therapy. You spend little time on situations you are dealing with. You will have homework assignments as you are taught how to think in healthy ways. CBT is research proven effective for teen depression, and for PTSD (which is an anxiety illness). Many therapists claim they do it, but few actually do it with fidelity. It will take less than 20 or so sessions. If you cannot afford it, try the online version that was started to see if it could be as effective online as in person. https://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

Congratulations on your new pledge.

in books, online, etc.

One of my daughters has received a lot of help from Al-Anon. The principles of healthy thinking are all around you. There is no one way.

Best of luck

Kahtleen

All great suggestions...dodger your not alone in this by any means...we are all buggerewed in one way or another...just keep turning over stones...its the attempt that gives us hope and some days thats all we have and its enough...writing it out...exercise and sweat relieve nervous tension and promote sleep...sleep causes better judgement and clearer thinking...above all...never give up on you...the journey is hard but this too shall pass...youll emerge stronger and wiser....and way less likely to ever fall for bull shit again...when your done painting your life itll be a masterpiece...and its yours and yours alone...wgaf what anyone else thinks

There's an old saying "it is easier to get a job when you have a job". Roughly translated it means do what you can to pay your bills while you look for better paid/more enjoyable employment - even self-employment if you ever start writing seriously. Prospective employers do not like gaps in employment records and they like to see a work ethic so if you can show them you will work at anything to ensure you are working while waiting for something more worthwhile, it can only do you good.

Another old saying is "if you cannot do what you like, like what you do", meaning take a pride in even little menial things or even menial jobs you may consider 'beneath' you. If you can only get on the jobs ladder with part time work such as telephone sales - make more calls than anyone else. If you can only get work cleaning - be the best cleaner in the place and start beating your times for doing a good job, not just acceptable, but good. Being a high achiever in even a menial job will earn you a good reference for a better position elsewhere.

Most importantly, keeping busy or at least partly employed will stop this crazy world driving you completely insane. Knowing your purpose for the moment or your goals for the future helps keep you motivated to do something other then be completely introspective all the time. Finally, being sure of a job well done - even washing windows - builds self respect and pride, things we were never instructed on how to develop and protect during our religious upbringing.

You can do this, these uncomfortable things you are experiencing will pass.