If you were raised in the church, are still in the church, or have left the church then you know what I'm talking about. The brainwashing that you can't live life alone. The brainwashing that someone is out there for you. It doesn't help that when you leave the church, the rest of society also reinforces that crap.

Yes I said crap. When you don't fit in anywhere inside or outside the church, then you are just alone. You're in the "single" club. Just like when you don't have kids but your friends do. Spending time with them just doesn't happen anymore. Same thing with friends in a relationship. The boyfriend doesn't want his girlfriend hanging out with you anymore. Doesn't matter if you were friends with her way before he was in the picture. It doesn't help that she just does what she's told cause she's in "love". Those are the never mo friends that do that. It sounds like it should be a Mormon thing, but I'm finding that it's not. Even other cultures and societies do the same thing. It's our species. It's depressing.

I know I'm ranting or venting or whatever, but every now and again, I just want someone to hold me. Physically give me a bear hug. Enjoy my company and not play mind games. Sometimes I honestly think about just hanging it up. I don't belong. I'm tired of feeling this way.

Oh yes. The pressure to marry is huge in the LDS Church. Let it go. It's not a requirement to live a fulfilled life.

I'm a widow, and I've learned to live alone and love it. I put all my skills to use and everything I learned about "trouble-shooting" also!

Being comfortable in your own skin, and knowing you are fine as a woman is very important. Not everyone will get married and not every woman will have children. That's just fine.

Find your own way to live your life and learn to be content with who you are!

I spent 50+ years married. I'm not in the market to marry again! No way!

Life is good!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2016 12:57AM by SusieQ#1.

Meh. I knew pretty early on that I didn't want to get married quick like all the other saps at BYU. That shit was just dumb. Now I'm almost 32 and totally okay with being single. The whole Single's Ward BS was the worst IMO. So glad to have left all that behind; good riddance.

But then I've always been a loner. I'm really not interested in marriage, which I know would disappoint my parents a lot. But that's their problem, not mine. I'm content by myself. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2016 01:19AM by oneinbillions.

I deal with this struggle, too.

The thing is, I don't even WANT to be partnered. Or get married. Or have kids. I don't seek it.

I'm 34 years old. Never married. Not to sound vain, but I'm an attractive woman, have no trouble finding a date if I want one. I'm simply not interested.

I remember in my 20s, looking around nervously at all my friends who are getting married. At age 34, I've seen about half of them get divorced...and some have even married a second time.

When I talk to some of my married girl friends, they often kvetch about being stuck doing most of the housework or child-rearing...they're exhausted. A lot of them want to go back to school, or pursue some other dream, but don't feel they can. They envy my perceived freedom (though they don't realize I have a whole other set of limitations).

Nonetheless, I would never trade my limitations for theirs. I love my bohemian life, knowing I can sleep until 11 (I work nights, so...), I can travel without accommodating other people's needs or desires, I can work extra hours when needed without feeling like I'm neglecting my marriage or worrying about how much I'll dump into daycare. Oh yeah. And you can get laid. As long as you take care of yourself, don't do it too much, and leave it at just that.

A lot of times, when attached women comment negatively on your bachelorette lifesty, they're just distracting themselves from their own feelings of regret and dreams deferred.

Thanks! It helps a lot to know I'm not alone.

Thank you everyone! <hug>

I struggled with that too mandyellen, as a young LDS woman. For most of my early life in fact.

The man I believed I was destined to marry died when I was 22. By the time I did marry it was to satisfy that part of me, like you, that felt I had to get married in order to be fulfilled.

Only my first marriage was a disaster. He was a Vietnam vet with PTSD having an ongoing mid-life crisis, I was his 3rd wife. We should never have gotten married but we did.

2nd marriage didn't fare much better. I have my children from that marriage, and that was the only good thing that I took with me from that. Both times I thought I was marrying out of a sense of duty to myself and my religion. And both times it was a hit and miss.

So repeat after me, You are valuable just as you are. Learn to embrace the uniqueness of you. Don't go chasing after elusive dreams or happiness in someone else. The best thing you can do like SusieQ says is to be happy with who you are in your own skin.

The more you can do this, the less need you'll find you have to have someone to fill that void inside yourself. If you do meet someone that's good for you it will be from a position of strength instead of weakness. You have to be your own best friend before you can be someone else's.

The older I've gotten the more I've been able to let go of feeling like I need a man to be whole. It's a much better place to be in, but it took time to get here. You will too, just don't worry so much. There's so many bad entanglements out there anyway, be glad you're not in one of them!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2016 07:44AM by Amyjo.

I think I was in my 40s before I realized that I didn't have to get married -- and that there were a lot of positives to being single.

You're right, it's harder in Mormonism where being married is a part of the theology. But it's a problem in the wider culture as well.

It is difficult when your friends get married and start their families. Moms of young children tend to relate best to fellow moms. It's like they drop out of sight for a number of years. Likewise, married women will often start to view you with suspicion. They are afraid of losing their husbands. What they don't realize is that they are under a greater threat from their married friends.

Your best bet is to seek friendship from your fellow singles of whatever age. Look around you, we are here. I have one young friend who is in her late 20s.

Hell, I'm only 26 and deal with these feelings. However, my desire to get married and have a family has always been apart and a separate thing from all of the Mormon issues that surround the way they pressure people to get married and have huge families. I've just always known, or at least felt like I would be a better person or be a more complete person with someone at my side. Because of my Life Choices, however, this has been made a lot more difficult. I think right now I'm dealing with being okay with just being alone, or having my
Dog as my favorite companion. Some days it is really hard, but a lot of days I feel really lucky. It has taken me a long time to get there, and I have a whole other set of issues to resolve before I can think about finding a woman to share my life with, or even to start dating again. It will happen when it happens. Can any other people relate to this?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2016 09:18AM by midwestanon.

I don't think I ever thought I had to get married. (I'm married now, but beforehand I didn't think I needed to--quite the opposite.) On the other hand, for a large portion of my life I've thought I had to get laid--I was right, of course. Getting laid and getting married are not mutually exclusive concepts, of course, but neither are they congruent. They are merely intersecting sets.

Thinking that one needs to get married is an artificial construct that is installed into one's brain from outside, often by people who themselves are married and need all the evidence they can muster to convince themselves they didn't make a horrible mistake.

I know what you mean. I used to look at every guy in the world as a potential mate. I dated a lot. But I always found something wrong with the guys who wanted to marry me. I looked back and saw that there was nothing wrong with any of the guys that proposed. It was me. Deep down I never really wanted to get married. I always adored my freedom. I always expected to have children but it never thrilled me to think about being a mom. When the lightbulb went off that I didn't really want to get married, my life changed incredibly. I am so much happier without feeling like I have to find "Mr. Perfect" because no such being exists and if he did I don't have to marry him, have kids, and fix him three squares a day and wash his underpants.

I think the whole idea of marriage for eternity scared the poop right out of me. Marriage was taken so seriously in Mormonism that I was terrified of making a mistake that would last for eternity. If someone had just told me to chill and not take the whole business so seriously because divorce existed for a very good reason, I might have actually taken the plunge.

I've also seen that marriage is not always what you might expect. Many of my friends who married are now alone because of death, divorce, illness, and betrayal. Marriage is no guarantee of eternal bliss. Mormonism makes marriage sound like the answer to all a woman's questions and problems yet only two marriages turn out of ten meet the Mormon ideal. That would be an eternal marriage where the wife stays at home and never has to work. Kids come and grow to be paragons of virtue. And both partners walk into the sunset of a senior mission. All that is very rare.

I have no regrets. I don't miss that I didn't have kids. But, yes, those big wet ones and giant hugs are something I'd like to have on a more regular basis. Maybe I'll get a dog.

I adored my little brothers and little sister. The older siblings had other interests. I always thought the house felt so special when my mother would bring another baby home. Oh man, lots of things happened in those years, so my youngest brother was more like my own as my parents had other issues to deal with. He was my special little angel and he still is, though he is 6 foot 4 and is the one who takes care of me more now in other ways.

And I gave up opportunities to marry nonmormons and I married someone gay (though there was someone else I could have married) to save my gay husband. I loved him and couldn't imagine him being alone and damned, which is how it was in 1983.

Oh my hell. I had twins 15 months after we married. I had to quit my job I loved. I about lost my mind. My husband sucked the joy out of life on a daily basis with his nit picking everything to death. Put the dish in the dishwasher wrong, he let you know and the list goes on and on. We couldn't go to full price movies, we had to go to $1 movies and that was questionable. There were times we were happy somewhere along the way, but I gave over ALL my power to him. I had earned good money when I was working and here I didn't even dare buy myself a pair of jeans. I had holes in the knees of my jeans just as they became popular becaase I crawled around on the floor with my kids to play. My BIL asked my sister if I was trying to hip. ha ha ha ha ha I went out looking for a job behind my ex's back. Then he found out and helped me get one at the hosptial he works at. I worked 2 nights a week and he babysat the kids.

He left me 11 years in. Cheated 2-1/2 years in and on through. He put me through a hell nobody should have to live through.

We are friends now and get along great, share our home we bought 30 years ago together.

The guy I wanted to marry at 20 came back into my life 11 years ago. I refuse to live with him. He also wants to control me. He is not a mormon. He says he tries not to try to control me, but I'm not even allowed to move in his house without him critiquing what I'm doing, though he wants me to clean it and do the weeding, etc. I think that came to an end this summer. We get along if we don't live together. And I think that is because I CHANGED. I decided I didn't need a marriage and I'll never share finances with someone ever ever ever again. That is a disaster waiting to happen.

I did live with my boyfriend for a year in Colorado while my ex lived in this home. He worked in California during the week and I babysat his giant german shepherd. We got along fine then. ha ha ha ha

I work odd hours. He doesn't like it. The list goes on and on.

Now kids, as much grief as they have given me at times, they are my life. They are my EVERYTHING, as are my dogs

Someone on this board once asked, "How would your kids feel if they knew you love your dogs as much as them." My reply, "They'd expect it." My kids adore our dogs even if they don't always live here with me. Those dogs are our life and they have saved our lives so many time in the darkest years.

My kids, my dogs, my parents--they mean the most to me.

And my hell, my parents fought like you wouldn't believe. But at the end, I knew how much they loved each other.

Personally, others talking about divorce. My mother probably should have divorced my dad many times. Now that I've lost both of them (2 months apart), my one wish in life is that I could have given my children an intact family. Whoever my boyfriend may be, he'll never love my children like their own father.

I must add that after we were married and I had the twins, my ex would always say to me, 'I made all your dreams come true." I told him I had been dreaming the wrong dreams. Being a mother is something I needed. Being married is not.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2016 11:36AM by cl2.

mandyellen:

My friend. Please consider something that's on my mind. Not saying I am right, just a perspective.

The best way to ruin a great friendship is to marry your friend. Being single gives you autonomy. You have many choices that are lost in marriage. Someone will end up being dominate which the other person has to submit to in order to have 'harmony.'

I am divorced and single just because I could no longer submit my soul to another person's need to control. She left me because I could no longer subjugate my honesty. She wanted control.

So, will you be lucky enough to find someone who accepts you as you are and you will accept them for who they are. Pareto's law of 80/20? Love the 80 and accept the 20?

Being single is ok. I do wish to have companionship. Someone to cook for. Someone to cook for me. Someone to laugh with, dance with after dinner. Someone to confide in and ask perspective of. A friend to hike with. Someone to be intimate with. Someone to trust. Someone who I will stand by through thick and thin and will do the same.

You don't have to be married for that. Marriage get's in the way of that. Obligations? Selfishness? Control?

Love, trust and respect doesn't need the State's endorsement on paper. Marriage is a contract to determine who owes who if it doesn't work out

Marriage is not what it's cracked up to be.

Just my perspective....

TSCC must be hell on single women. No wonder so many of them go off the deep end. I think you belong where your heart leads you. Nobody can decide that for you.

It does suck to be lonely, to feel like you don't belong. I think everybody belongs. Because they were born on this incredible planet. Heaven and hell are right here. It's up to you do develop the discipline to choose heaven. It's not like feelings fall from the sky or jump out from behind a tree. They come from inside you. It's a matter of cultivating them.

So let me ask you, if a hot guy suddenly materialized beside you and lavished you with all kinds of love and affection, what would it do to make you a happy person? Nothing, actually. It would be a temporary fix. Happiness has to come from the inside. You have to love you first. To be free from any guilt against yourself. The Church is wrong to make you feel guilty about being human, among many other things.

Having said that, here's a hug: (((((OOO))))). That felt nice. Another: (((((OOO))))). Now have a lovely day.

Yes, that's all my Patriarchal blessing talked about, over and over, that I had a responsibility to be a wife and mother, bringing those spirit children here.

I can't say anything about other tribes, because I was a BIC, and knew only Mormonism. That said, I agree that Mormonism taught me that I HAD to get married.

A Mormon woman has to be married in the temple, in order to get into the celestial kingdom--that's what girls in my generation were taught. Therefore, we HAD to have a man.

I rejected the two loves of my life, one in high school, one in grad school. Both were atheists. Both set an impossible standard for other men to live up to. People kept fixing me up with blind dates. I had too many dates, and too many choices. People would say, "How come you were at BYU for 4 years, and never got married?" I felt like a failure. Still unmarried at 21, I went to grad school.

I think I never got married at BYU, was because I didn't agree with the Mormon way of thinking--that women were second-class citizens, Polygamy in heaven was God's plan, the priesthood ruled over the women, a wife's place is in the home, waiting on the husband, couples should have as many children as possible, etc.

I held out for that perfect RM, Ivy League football player, from a prominent GA family, who said and did all the right things, and pretended to be everything on The List we made in YW. When he beat me, I divorced him. Divorce was a huge stigma in my Mormon culture, so I felt that I was "damaged goods," and that no one decent would ever want to marry me. A few years later, a charming ex boyfriend offered me an ideal life, and I gratefully married him, and we had children. After 10 years, he left me for another woman. He had been a serial cheater, all our married life, and before, but I didn't know that. Of course, I don't trust my judgment enough to ever venture to get married again.

The feeling of failure in two marriages, and the accepting of the blame of divorce, and the experience of being marginalized in the Mormon church really depressed me. I was the ward and stake organist, and taught Sunday school. I was also called to be in the regional singles--which I hated, and the stories would fill many pages of ramblings. Married Mormons, including a SP counselor, a former mission president, my own bishop, blatantly hit on me. My children were abused by church leaders, and when I found out about this, the children and I resigned from the cult.

Now, I have it all! I have children, without having to put up with a husband's domination and bullying. My children don't have to put up with it, either.

Mormons would tell me that it was my duty as a mother to find a father for my children, so that we would "have the priesthood in the home." They disapproved of my being single. My children are strong individuals, and I know that an authoritarian Mormon male priesthood holder would have caused conflict. My sons were the men in my life, and were protective of me.

All the things you want--companionship, laughter, fun, security, hugs, a home--you can have. Who says it all has to come from only ONE source?

My children give me a life as a mother, but even without them, and when they were away at college, there were other sources of happiness.

My career provides me with money. (A bad husband can drain that away. It's happened to some of my friends.)

Dogs for companionship (you spend more time with a pet, day and night, than with anyone else) also for hugs and lowering of blood pressure.

Friends for give-and-take, social validation, empathy.

Fun and laughter and happiness from within

Interest and stimulation from Nature and the outdoors, hobbies, activities, music, sports, books, good movies, holidays and vacations, trips, taking care of yourself.

You can help children by volunteering in the schools, babysitting your friends' children, being a nice aunt.

Solitude is of real value, and is not the same thing as loneliness.

Freedom is priceless!

It sets you up, whether you left early or not, to think you had to accomplish certain goals or you failed somehow.

Marriage is not a bad thing nor is singlehood. Both have their ups and downs, however, the problem usually lies with crazy, out of reach, prefectionistic expectations with either one.

People are individuals. If you don't see any value in getting married, you don't have to. Maybe you will change your mind, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll end up divorced, maybe deliriously married happily for life or something in between....Life is different for everyone and people either adapt and move with the flow or get stuck.

The main idea is to get out of the "I have to do this to be happy because of the status quo." Find YOUR happy medium and you will likely be happy.

I am happily married to my best friend---I know it sounds so sappy, but it is true. We went through some issues early on, but we really enjoy each other.

But, years ago, when I was in my 20's and struggling with becoming myself and building a life, I thought about those mountain men who lived up in the hills and saw no one for 6 months at a time.

When they felt the urge, they would go down into town and live it up, have some sex, get drunk and then head back up into the hills for another 6 months.

At the time, I was sick of the hassles and would fantasize about taking my dogs and going back to nature and living as the mountain men did.

As a fantasy, it has a certain charm.

Finding your "tribe," the group of people you feel you belong with and who get you, will go a long way toward combatting the feeling that you don't fit in anywhere. If that tribe is a group that loves doing the something that you love doing, even better.

It sucks to lose friends b/c of their spouse, but it happens. Hopefully, eventually the friend gets to the point where she needs some social life. Men don't question their need for guy time, but it's a lot harder for women because we tend to be the primary care-givers of young children and are trained from birth to put the partner above our own needs. Like you said, it's that way even outside TSCC.

Also, hopefully the friend does not have a controlling partner who is isolating and verbally or emotionally abusing her in secret. If she seems afraid or says things like, "I'd better not," that could be a red flag.

The best way I've found is to get involved doing something you love, find your tribe, and fill your life with lots of delicious things that make you happy. You'll probably get some hugs from your new friends, too. Being single is infinitely better than being with a controlling, demanding, or needy partner that stresses you, scares you, or consumes all your time and emotional energy.

Meditation... and FRIENDS... and -"Be(ing) Yourself, Everybody Else Is Already Taken" - can go a long way toward overall peace, acceptance, connection...

Yea, it would have been nice to have been brought up without the MMG (Mormon mind games), the constant comparing and self loathing the MMC is so bent on dishing out (but not taking).

"I just want someone to hold me. Physically give me a bear hug."

Sounds like you need to make some more good friends first. The more friends you have, the more hugs you get.

I notice a lot of the people who have responded here are or were married at least once.

No, you will probably not ever stop thinking you HAVE to get married. Because that gets shoved in your face every single day, in every aspect, everywhere.

I'm 47 and I made my peace with singlehood a long time ago. I am not all that interested either. I was in a relationship once where it was easy (and I got scared and bailed), and every relationship since then has been work. I think, if it's work, it's not right and you should take a closer look at whether you should be in that relationship still or not. I think if it's Right®, then the "work" isn't really work, it's just love. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I think that people who say marriage is hard work are miserable in their marriage.

What I haven't been able to make my peace with is how other people project their values on to me. I don't feel like I need a partner to be whole, but certain friends and family members sure do. They treat me as if I'm irresponsible or immature because I'm not married and miserable and bitching about it constantly. I'm pretty damn happy in the grand scheme of things and find I do much better on my own. I'm not constantly giving giving giving and never having my own needs get met (and when I ask for those needs to be met, like please respect me in my own goddamn house, then I'm a bitch or a nag). But then other people seem to think my life has no worth or value because I'm not pair-bonded with someone. That's what I can't deal with and have no idea how to deal with it except to change the subject. Otherwise, you just sound defensive or like you're lying to yourself.

I think you're the best Dogzilla. Don't listen to the judgemental people..... they are the ones with a problem,
not you.

Only you know what is best for you, how dare they try to
downgrade your life or anything else about you just because
it doesn't fit their idea of life and living.

Keep on doing YOU.

Well, being married and just wanting someone to hug you are two different animals. You can get hugs, whether sexual or not when you're single. Having a feeling of freedom when you're married isn't so easy. But it's super hard if you're surrounded by mormonism (even just by a lot of mormon family) to feel like you are ok if you're not married. I was stuck in that even after I divorced and even for a few years after I left the church.

The thing that changed for me was maybe more by luck than anything I did purposely to be happy with my singleness, but it was moving far away from Mormonville and finding a social group (in my case, professional co-workers and a liberal non-dogmatic church) where there are a lot of single people in all stages of life who like doing things with other single people. And dumping the mormon "no sex outside marriage" bullshit. Focus on finding good relationships (not necessarily even intimate ones), not on having to get married.

I'm still old fashioned. The world may have passed me by, but I still believe if someone loves me and I love them enough to want to share our lives, then it's worth getting married and having it in writing.

That isn't a Mormon thing. It is an old fashioned value in this day and age of people living together outside of marriage, and pre-marital relations. I'm sure my Mormon upbringing influenced who I am to a large degree. But I'm perfectly content to be happily single rather than compromising my integrity and values for someone who doesn't share them.

There's enough people who do get married and affirm those family values I still cherish, it reinforces my own.

Having sex for its own sake is great if you're a guy. Not if you're a woman. We value the emotional connection intimacy provides. Which is why if you & partner aren't ready to commit to a relationship it's still better to wait until both are - because sex before the relationship is still putting the cart before the horse.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/26/2016 04:50PM by Amyjo.

Consider yourself internet bear-hugged. With no mind games.

We're a social species, and we're a species driven to reproduce. Those imperatives are ingrained in society.
You seem to feel them too, since you mentioned wanting hugs and wanting to be with somebody, but apparently you've had bad experiences with jerks. Plenty of those around.
Plenty of not-jerks, too.

If you want to be alone (I'll ignore "marriage" for the time being, since you can not be alone and not be married), great. Be alone. Enjoy.
If you want to NOT be alone, but just haven't found anyone to not be alone with yet, then keep looking. You may not ever find anyone who fits your perfect idea of somebody to live with (married or not). Or you might. I don't buy the "there's somebody out there destined to be your soulmate" stuff, it's rather silly. Finding people you're comfortable with takes time and effort. If you'd rather not put out the time or effort, that's ok.

I don't think anyone can lead a full and happy life with someone they found in the Mormon church unless it's through random luck. The first critical thing that needs to happen in a normal man-and-woman relationship is that the other person needs to be more important than anything outside of the relationship. That not only includes the church, it's more like 'especially the church'. Getting married isn't important unless both people want it. I've never been married but found the love of my life twenty-six years ago. We're still together.

When I left the church, I couldn't tell whether it was me or an ex-girlfriend who was responsible for the terrible way that relationship ended. If it was my fault, I didn't want to take the risk of having a male counselor hear my side of the story, sympathise with the man's side, and let me off the hook without dealing with my flaws. So I found a female counselor who I thought would be critical of my flaws if necessary. After a few months of counseling, she introduced me to a personal friend of hers. Not another client, but a personal friend. I didn't expect that. But we've been together for twenty-six years now. My sweetheart told me years later that when her friend introduced us, she said "be careful, don't hurt him". This all happened outside of the mormon church, between all non-members. The temple, the rules, other people's mormon agenda were no part of it.

you will stop thinking you 'have' to get married when you are comfortable and content with your own company.

Unfortunately, this particular state of affairs exudes confidence and attracts both new friends and potential mates because you will become oblivious to flirting etc, and that whole package is apparently very attractive, or so I have been told.

Learn to accept yourself for who you are, not what you might one day become, ie a wife & mother. Be the 'mad aunt' for a while, it is actually quite good fun.

I'm going to disagree with the other posters, annoy some people:

You need to get married. And this from a nevermo.

I'm in my 40's female never married, i do have a kid. I regret never getting married. I did have a few boyfriends, none of them lasted very long. I regret that as well.

Being perpetually single meant I got pushed out of a lot of social groups- since pretty much everyone past 30 is married, or at least divorced. You will get a lot of suspicious looks from people if you never marry or have kids.

IMO this is b.s.: "i love being single because: I have lots of free time, I don't have to care for kids, I don't have to arrange my schedule around a cranky husband, I can concentrate on my career." is just code for "I have nothing to do."

Having lots of time for a career, simply meant I had more time to devote to my dead end jobs. (I detest every job I ever had!) And not having a boyfriend or husband, meant that no one cared for me. And not having kids meant, my life was pretty pointless. I was just working for myself. I had no one to share my joy or my sadness with. (Yeah I have a few friends, but please, it is NOT the same.)

There is something special about being in a relationship, and having kids.

Maybe some people are happy being single and not having a family, I can tell you I found it EMPTY.

I think the key to any successful relationship comes from being at peace with and happy with oneself. As it's not easy getting enmeshed with another person if unhappy with oneself.

So I would advice concentrate on being happy and at peace with yourself, and enjoy your life, hobbies skills etc. and along the way, if you meet someone whom you want to share your life with, then marry.

And if not, be happy doing the things that interest and fulfill you. In my view it'd be great to have both but if I can't have both, then at least one of those two.

I've had the opposite experience. I found that being single made a lot of decisions much easier for me: Where I'll live, how I'll live, should I refi the mortgage, should I reno the house, maybe I'll take off for the weekend and go to the beach. Not once have I had to argue or negotiate with a partner about anything like that. Not once did I have to debate what color the bedroom ceiling should be. And I am grateful that I don't have to chase around children and a husband picking up after them, but that does not mean I have nothing to do. I have plenty to do and it's not all self-serving either. I don't think my life is pointless and I'm actually a little insulted knowing that you are judging people like me so harshly. You actually believe my life has been pointless because I don't have children. That's just nonsense.

I do think that your experiences and your feelings are valid as well as mine. But you are projecting your own dissatisfaction with your life when you tell the OP what she needs to do. YOU need to be married; obviously, you'd be much happier having the things that you think you're missing out on. The OP doesn't NEED to do anything.

There's nothing wrong with sharing your experience and saying that you are not happy with the way your life has turned out. I take issue, however, with telling someone else what they need to do. You don't know anything about what the OP needs; you are only projecting your own.

I married when I was young. To this day, it was one of the worst decisions I ever made. We did all the right things- friends first, dated for a year lived together for about 6 months, but 1 year after the wedding, I was miserable, depressed, trapped, and full of regrets. Thank goodness I had the brains to not get knocked up by him.

I remember sitting on the couch all alone one night, thinking, "THIS is going to be my life for the next 60 years?!?" and then telling myself I had made my bed and I better well lay in it. 6 months later we separated, and then split up completely 3 months after that. It took 13 years to get divorced from this man because of the circumstances that were beyond my control. I had moved on and up and the day the divorce was finalized I was beyond ecstatic.

I've been in a happy relationship for 11 years now and we have no plans to marry. No one would ever call me empty or "have nothing to do." My life was only empty when I didn't have a strong sense of self and self-worth.

Marriage is NOT for everybody, men or women, just as having children is not; I love working with kids, but at best I feel ambivalent about having one of my own. Just because someone is single and childfree, doesn't mean their life is empty or they have nothing to do. Like Dogzilla said, that's screaming of projection.

There have been several studies (Harvard did one of them) to find out the connection of happiness to marital status, in men and women, and all of the studies showed:

The Number one happiest group is single women!

It didn't matter if they were divorced, widowed, or never married. Think about the single women you know. It's true for my Aunt Georgia, who traveled all over the world, my grandmother who, as a widow, was a representative at her party's National Convention. My MIL could not drive a car, and sat home all day, and was on antidepressants most of her life. After her husband died, her health miraculously returned, she took up golf, and she drove all over town, and on longer trips to see her grandchildren. My daughter's never-married best friend enjoys her career, travel, music, and dating. She has two little dogs, who are her "babies," and she dotes on my daughter's children, who call her "Auntie."

In the studies, number two happiest group was married men.

Number three happiest was single men.

Married women were a sad last on the happiness scale.

The studies used questionnaires and also self-evaluations, to measure happiness, with always the same results.