Ok, so the good news is in about three months I'll have proper medical insurance and will be able to see a good counselor. I know some of the questions I ask advice on require professional help and I appreciate that being pointed out. I also appreciate those who offer advice.

But sometimes, like tonight, I feel so alone with my pain. I've learned in the past month to accept a lot of the limitations I have given as a result of my PTSD. I've given up trying to be Wonder Woman and have accepted my frailties.

One of the things I have a tremendously hard time with is "winding down" for bed. I'm currently trying to relax and I find myself haunted by my first love. I'm happily married to my best friend. He is my rock and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. But the first person I fell in love with haunts me.

We parted ways on very bad terms and I would very much like to make amends and find closure. I've reached out to my ex, to no avail. There are a lot of things I'd like to apologize for. I didn't understand at the time how much TSCC had psychologically damaged him and how hard his mission had been. Had I understood, I would have behaved so much differently. I deeply regret causing him more pain.

I just want some closure. Is it possible to attain it all on my own? Part of me is afraid if something tragic happens, such as my mom passing, I'll have a crisis and show up on my ex's door. I just need this chapter to close. I don't know how to do it on my own and it hurts. I want to move forward unencumbered and stop having the past invade my present.

In my position as Know Nothing, Ph.D. (not to be confused with the coveted Juris of Doctorate law degree), I want to suggest that you're the one holding the door open. You're standing there with your hand on the doorknob, looking through the door frame, into the mist of your past.

I get that counseling will help you make sense of that misty past, but in the end (however long that takes), it's you who has to shove the door closed, then turn and walk away.

If you were a stoic nihilist, it was would be child's play. You'd push the plunger and blow the past the hell up. The past is not where you should be dwelling and you'll figure it out. You want to, so you will.

The book, "Don't Call that Man" by Findling may help you. Men read it, too.

It's about letting of of a relationship, and avoiding those "emergency calls" that give you an excuse to contact him (your mother dying).

https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Call-That-Man-Survival/dp/0786884274

I think I told you about the party where my son's ex brought her mom and new husband, and she and her mom made it very clear that they liked my son better while her young husband just stood and looked on. I felt so sad for that young man.

If she could see my RM son today, she would see him treat his wife with verbal abuse followed by long silence treatments. She would see his children beg for a mission call just to get away from him.

You said you deeply regret causing your first love pain. Is your husband immune to pain?

It sounds like he may have been your first love, but not your best love.

If you have PTSD, emotions can be confusing and seem extreme. Did you physically harm your first love? I'm going to assume not, and tell you that even if you broke his heart, most of us remember our first loves as intense. The rawness of emotion you may be experiencing due to PTSD could be amplifying your current reaction to past events.

Try to be gentle with yourself, and not carry ALL the blame for whatever occured. It sounds like there may have been TWO people with clashing issues.

I'm sorry that the thoughts are painful, and want to let you know that you aren't losing your mind. Comedy is great at distracting from the amplified thoughts that seem to invade peace. Quiet is not always a friend to PTSD, so turn a show on, and try to drop off.

Safe hugs to you.

I had help from a psychiatrist. I needed it, because I suffered childhood abuse, and also extreme spousal abuse. You mention that you have PTSD, and I'm glad you are planning on getting help.

PTSD manifests itself in many different ways, in many different people, so my doctor and I worked hard. I wanted to get well, so my children wouldn't have the burden of dealing with all my hang-ups and phobias. You need to be motivated to get well, and your present marriage should be a powerful incentive for you. Cognitive behavioral therapy works best, and a good therapist will only guide you. Drugs did not work on me at all.

I think your obsession with the past can be a symptom of your PTSD. Normal, happy people don't actually stalk people from their past, nor dredge up old wounds. We have all hurt others, unintentionally, but those people have moved on. Reminding them of old wounds would just hurt them all over again. Then, telling them you have felt guilty for years, and then apologizing, would make them very uncomfortable--they would want to get away from you as fast as possible.

Worst of all, begging someone's forgiveness puts a huge burden on THEM--which they absolutely do not want. I think it is selfish to unload all your baggage onto another person. Leave the poor guy alone.

I have a 50-year-old aunt who lives in the past, and thinks about her old boyfriends constantly. She compared her present husband to the recalled perfect image of her old boyfriends, and it ruined her marriage. When she got divorced, she contacted her old boyfriends, one by one. One of them was nice, and invited her to come and stay with him and his wife, in their home, for two weeks, because my friend cried and said she had no place to go for Christmas. (She had plenty of places to go.)

Ask yourself honestly, what do you want from your old boyfriend? Do you want to manipulate him into thinking about you? Do you want to make him unhappy? What benefit are you getting from all this?

Pride can be powerful. Be happy in your happy memories, and ignore the sad ones. We all like to daydream--so keep the memories in the past, as they are, and don't try to rewrite everything to suit you. Besides, you want your old boyfriends and friends to smile and feel happy whenever they think of you.

If you "deeply regret causing him more pain", then don't cause him more pain. The truth comes out in your last paragraph: "I just want some closure." You aren't really thinking of him (or your husband) at all. A therapist will help you control your mind to concentrate on the present. Living in the moment was one of the valuable lessons I learned from my therapist, and like everything else, I had to work at it. I know you can do this.

Old loves don't have to die. You have room in your heart for the past love, which may interfere with your present one if you let it. On the other hand, there is no harm in accepting that what you felt for that past love affair is going to be a part of you always.

If there's any way you can make amends (you say it ended badly,) and are able to without compromising your existing relationship, then you should try to.

If not, make closure in your own mind with this past love so it doesn't continue to haunt you. Find a way to bring peace and closure on your terms to give it a "happy ending" you feel it needs and deserves for you to find that solace so you can move on in the present.