One of the nice things in a way about the tscc is it made you feel special and part of a community. There were people of like values to socialize and converse with, responsibilities to undertake such as teaching, and admin work, peer groups for the kids, and although it was a very superficial thing they seemed to care about you and were willing to help you out as you were them.

Of course there were many negative aspects of the Morg community.

But in cutting off the tscc from your life what types of things do you do instead to cultivate friendships and social connections?

For me, I've joined a Toastmasters group and also a martial arts class for the last couple of years. We make a little small chat, but I never do anything with them outside of the structured meetings beyond going to a coffee shop afterwards.

When my mother and her husband stopped going to church I saw them starve socially and now they never go out to hang with other people and mostly just stay at home on the computer or in front of the TV. Before when she was active beyond just the church activities she had a couple of gal pals from the church who she'd get together with for cheese cake, movies, and other stuff. Obviously it wasn't that deep a friendship as some have commented when ward/stake boundaries change even when people don't move friendships wane and when she got offended and left the church of course these fine women dumped her like a tonne of bricks.

So what are some of the things you do for friendship and a sense of community for yourselves and also for your family?

I am lucky, because I have friends at work. The Mormon shunning truly hurt my feelings, but I decided to get tough and grow up. Life is not a popularity contest or a missionary assignment. When I relaxed and didn't push myself, friendships just formed naturally.

Reading is my passion, and it is best done alone. I don't belong to a book club, because I prefer to choose my own books. If I want someone else's opinion, I can go online. I hike, mountain bike and cross-country ski alone, on my own time schedule at noon or after work for a quick hour here and there, rather than wait to accommodate someone else. I have more time for housework, yard work, photography, cooking, and other hobbies.

Moving at a slower pace, I have reconnected with some old childhood friends. Some of my relatives have discovered that Mormonism is a hoax, and they have needed support. The general tone of my life is deeper and richer, with less scurrying about, less jumping at other people's orders. I feel mature and in control.

Instead of a "Ward Family," we have our own family, and we are much closer, after leaving the cult.

Instead of a cult community, why not become active in a real community? One of my relatives is a city council member, and I enjoy working on his campaigns. Schools, hospitals, women's centers, Big Brothers/Sisters always need volunteers. Take an adult education class.

When we became inactive, my boys joined a great neighborhood scout troop that met at the local Methodist and Lutheran churches. I was team mother for their soccer teams. I taught piano and tennis to my girls and their friends, and was active in the PTA. Participation in school sports and clubs is a good way to make friends for children and parents. I made a new friend in a dog obedience class, and we still go to the dog park occasionally.

Be patient. Instead of instant friends, you will develop lasting friends.

Meals on wheels....

There are clubs, societies to join, special interest groups. Mormonism is like putting a wall around you to stop you seeing the world.

Mormonism supplies a ready-made pool of social contacts, along with the implication that you are actual friends. Sure, you sometimes make actual friends, but most of the relationships are shallow or even fake. But you never had to go out and find those friends. You never had to build it from nothing. So take away the pool of assigned friends and...

The situation is similar to making friends at work. The company brings you together. You sometimes make actual friends. The difference is, the job isn't supposed to be about friendship. It's about doing the job. On the other hand, Mormonism is supposed to be the center of your life. The members are supposed to be your extended family and, if the church had its way, the only people you have social contact with.

In my case, losing my church "friends" didn't have much of an impact. I'm not a very social person.

Mormons who do NOTHING with others in the community are setting themselves up for just sitting in front of a TV if they end up leaving the LDS faith. Community is more than church associations. I feel badly for people who allow a church to do that to them. Mormonism stunts your ability to grow socially.

Trading in the morg for another organization to take its place sometimes means giving up one cult for another which might be as bad.

It's helpful at times to attend a less controlling church or to join a luncheon group or an interest centered organization. But if any group exactly fits the void left from leaving mormonism, it might also be a controlling mind numbing cult, and none of us needs to be caught in a quagmire like that again.

I donate my time as a reserve police officer in Salt Lake County.

who didn't desert me--coworkers (also TBMs), a few of my siblings, my ex, my boyfriend, and my ex's gay friends. My ex's most recent partner (though not a couple any longer) is one of my best friends. He and I are a lot a like. Go figure.

I'm involved in clubs and other things such as work that provide a social outlet. I didn't really socialize with Mormons when I was part of them because I was working on my BA at the time and one required class was held at the same time as Enrichment. I never used the institute as I would do my studying in the lounges in the Student Union or the library.

I am part of a moms group, a book club and a nonprofit helping cancer patients. I've meet some amazing woman from all different walks of life, and I am so grateful for the new perspective I have gained from eachone.

I'm more active in my community now that I was as a mormon. Then I was only involved in morg stuff or working full-time (supporting a priesthood holder who couldn't seem to hold down a steady job or complete a degree that might lead to it.)
Shocker, right?

1. I'm sleeping with an ex-JW.
2. Shoot sporting clays all over Texas.
3. Photography classes and field assignments.
4. Have an antiquing crew.

Ron

I'm married to an ex-JW! :-) He converted as an adult because he liked that they could answer questions he's had since he was a kid. After a few years of being relatively faithful, he discovered how those answers are morphed and changed to fit whatever the situation requires. How can a scripture be used to explain two totally different things?, he wondered. He saw the man behind the curtain and stopped attending. Although it's probably a smaller part of our compatibility, it is part of it. I think if you can't find an ex-Mormon to commisserate with, an ex-JW will do just fine. LOL

My brother and I were talking about this very thing yesterday. Both of us believe our sisters would be better off outside TSCC (duh) however, he raised an interesting point. He believes you can't pull the rug out from someone without having a new rug to place under them. I see his point. And he was speaking more specifically about the temptation to just suggest to either of them that the church may not be what they think it is, not so much if they come to conclusion on their own. In the latter case, it is up to the individual to navigate and it's probably one of the things that helps people stay.

I was in my late teens when I left so I feel like my situation was easier in some ways because I didnt' have a real life established yet. However, in other ways, it was tremendously hard to be that age and feel completely unmoored. It's a good thing I was raised "in the mission field" where TSCC wasn't a dominant presense and I was exposed to many lifestyles and people types.

I find myself really pondering this question this morning. DoI have a "community"? I have an online one which doesn't feel fake for being virtual, however, I recognize my need for more connection in my 3D world. Something to contemplate.

I think, for us, other social aspects (of life) have formed naturally. My current non mormon friendships got better. Our family got closer (meaning me and my adult kids) and we developed beter bonds with those around us.

When my husband died last summer, we had no chuch. But our community rallied. My mom soooo wanted the church to do the after funeral dinner. But my my neighbor coordinated everything through the soccer moms and my co-workers. They did a GREAT job, better than the LDS would have, No funeral potatos or green jello-that is for sure.It really was incredible. We also had support through our special olympic friends and the kids schools and my husbands co-workers.

The thing about not having a church though is we struggled with what kind of funeral and who to lead it?? Then we remembered our dear neighbor 2 doors down was a "fill in" minister of sorts. WE've known him for 15 years. He was more than happy to do the funeral and did a fantastic job talking about husband from a personal view.
Other neighbor stopped by from the time they heard through the next few weeks. Food was brought in etc....Husbands co-worker brought in food and $$$ which was very helpful getting past those first few weeks (and me not working).

I think my mom thought this was going to be a good learning experience of why I needed a church. I found the opposite was true!!

I coach my daughter's soccer team and lead a men's over 40 yoga class at the Y.

I can count on one finger the number or people from my ward of 27 years who still even speak to me....the assigned friends you get in a ward are just that...superficial ones who will tattle on you at the drop of a hat and who can never be trusted with anything negative that might be going on in your life.

As for community.....I quite like NOT having to be a joiner anymore. I hang out with family and real friends, but I haven't joined anything.