My sister (her and hubby have been inactive for years) asked our TBM parents if they could move in temporarily while they get their finances straightened out. Parents said no, but offered to help subsidize their rent for awhile in exchange for helping parents around their house. It had only been a few weeks since the arrangement had been in place when TBM parents pulled sister aside (why are TBMs so good at accosting people?!) and said to her that they would rather her not come over to work off the money, but be required to attend church every week and bring her young children. She lives in a neighboring city, but they have ways of verifying whether or not she actually goes.
How can they be so disgusting and manipulative? She is an adult! The only thing I can think of is for her to fight fire with fire and tell them no access to the grandkids. They took advantage of her financial predicament by agreeing to help and then putting the requirement on her. She is not very inclined to stand up to them because a) she needs the help and b) she is terrified of our TBM mom. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Similar experiences? I hate this stupid cult and this has me all fired up. I would like to confront them myself.

Mormons are very practiced at the bait & switch, changing the terms after they've promised something else. Your parents are in righteous mode and probably feel in control now, and so they're likely to keep the squeeze on without mercy. Mormons do love to have others under their thumb.

Is your BIL also scared of your parents? He has to stand up to them if your sister can't. This is their children's future at stake after all; being unable to draw a line here may well lead to a lifetime of regret. Seriously, this is his time, or he needs to turn in his man card.

Can his parents step up at all with help? Or are they out of the picture altogether, or god forbid even worse?

Could you lay it on the line with your mother yourself. Remind her that you and your sister will be the ones they turn to when they are elderly so they should reconsider their actions.

Your parents are idiots if they think forcing their daughter and her family back to church will backfire big time.

We've heard many similar stories. Yes, Mormon parents will sometimes or even often take advantage of weakness to enforce compliance with church.

I would tell your sister to explain to mom that she wants to stick with the initial agreement to help the parents in their home.

Long term, your sister and her husband will need to plan out careers that will enable them to be free of your parents. Money = freedom.

What they are doing is crappy and manipulative, and maybe you could tell them that.

That said, your sister is asking them for financial help so they have the upper hand and if she doesn't comply they are under no obligation to help.

Can you help her? Could they move in with you?

This is about love, right? Hahahahaha. Right?

It sounds like sis and family might need to buckle under a while until they get their lives in order.

1) NO tithing. Go, but as non-participant as possible.

2) Inoculate the kids against brainwashing - maybe the parents never go on the same Sunday, keep the kids home as much as possible with a "nasty bug that they don't want to spread." Can't get rid of it. The "nasty bug" turns out to be age-appropriate CES logic lessons and fun STEM games and activities. Make it so that IF a kid goes to church, it's a dreaded "have to" like picking up dog doo doo from the yard.

3) Help sis organize her finances and planning. Help her understand that this is a reduced-rent, temporary situation to get back on their feet. It's not too late to get the help and education needed to support the family.

4) APPEAR to comply with parental demands, and take whatever help is offered. After all, your parents have decided that shifting terms are legal plays; they set that rule.

5) They accept no church visits. Can't possibly, because previously engaged with night school or that "nasty bug." Don't answer the door, or if must answer, don't unlock the screen door or let them in. Teach her how to say, "No, but thanks anyway." Tell her to smile a lot.

There are ways to make this work for your sister. Think "as inactive as possible." Help her think of them.

This happens a lot - unfortunately the people with the money have the power.
She may have to pretend for a while.

"She may have to pretend for a while."

That would be fine, if it was just her. But, part of the blackmail includes involving her kids in the church. No way in Hell. I would let my kids even drink a little bit of poison.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and the parents were desparate for help, and the daughter and her husband said they would help afterwhich they made the stipulation that the parents would be barred from all church acti ities how would those parents feel then? They need to be reminded of the golden rule.
Yeah they may think they're great and TBM and all, but the way they treat their children shitty.

If I were your sister I would do the following.

1) Tell my parents, I understand that I'm in a position of being at your mercy because I need your help, but when I made this arrangement, it was to do work in exchange for financial assistance. I was comfortable with that deal because I felt it was a fair exchange. I feel uncomfortable with you changing it now. So I would prefer to stick to the original agreement or
2) If you aren't willing to stick to the original agreement, I would prefer if it became a loan instead, please draw up some kind of agreement and terms and I will sign it.
3) If neither of those options are good for you, I suggest we terminate the agreement.
4) Be prepared to move somewhere cheaper to get finances in order instead.

As you can guess, my parents quit messing with me long ago. But they still try bringing up religious themes and even tried to make my kids pray at dinner, so now I feel uncomfortable staying at their house. It's sad. Good luck to your sister.

^^^ This.

I would rather live in a cardboard box under the freeway, eating garbage from dumpsters than jump through whatever firey hoops my parents might think up in exchange for a little help.

They tried to do something similar with me in regard to college tuition. "Suck the church's dick or no college money." Okay, well, there's FAFSA and Work-Study, and on-campus jobs, and I can always sell weed and model nekkid for the art department. Thanks for nothing!

I found a way and learned to be very self-sufficient and resourceful. Help with strings attached -- especially when the goal posts are constantly being moved -- is not really help at all.

How long do they need help? A year, 6 months? What if they didn't have your parents to ask help from? What would they do? Sure they would find a way to work thing out. That's what they need to do now.Look at it as if there is no help and go in that direction. Move into a cheaper place, Cut off unnecessary spending, do away with cable and any other unnecessary expense. Sale some stuff.Get a part time job. Anything other than putting themselves under the control of others.

What your parents requested is wrong. However, your sister is the one who needs to stand up to them. I liked the suggestion of putting the shoe on the other foot for them: if they ever needed assistance (perhaps care in their elder years), how would they feel if she required them to STOP attending church to receive assistance?

Do they REALLY believe that church attendance should be forced? Isn't that an awful lot like Satan's plan?

imaworkinonit Wrote
>
> Do they REALLY believe that church attendance
> should be forced? Isn't that an awful lot like
> Satan's plan?

This is exactly what one of our TBM sisters said when I told her about it.

The LDS plan is Satan's plan.

The parents should read the 11th article of faith.

Support and encourage your sister to do what is right for HER. Do not get in the way, as you said...she is an adult.

She needs to figure this out. Do what YOU can for your sister, but stay out of the manipulation. You putting in your two cents could make it worse between your sister and your Mother.

(My ex MIL pulled this sort of bait and switch stuff all the time)

Better to encourage the weak to be stronger than give a bully another reason to up the ante.

RMM