I don't know if I'm overthinking this situation so thoughts would be welcome.

Okay so Christmas Day night we were invited for Boxing Day meal with MIL (the narcissist). We declined (wasn't important to invite in advance and felt like it was only extended because we found out).

Arranged to go round 27th. Now I'll point out hubby is disabled. Turned up and some random car was parked on MILs driveway visitor space. No other suitable parking, had to come away. She claimed that aunt in law and cousin in law had just turned up. Then said she's free all NY weekend.

Went to a couple of stores yesterday local to her and called round, out again. Turns out she's had other grandkid round for NYE. But now is saying she's Thursday Friday but will be picking up other grandkid from school (a good hour away) and having him overnight and Friday (baker day).

We hadn't had contact for a year till this summer. Then we would go round on whichever day she wasn't working (semi retired) but never weekends (never offered). She then due to work problems has gone back full time and since then we haven't seen her. Again weekends not offered.

Am I being prickly or does she deserve both barrels?

It seems to me that parking is going to be an issue whenever you visit with her. So I think you are going to have to come up with some solutions. Perhaps when you are invited again, you can say to her, "Due to DH's disability, we are going to need that visitor's parking spot. So would you please tell any unexpected visitors that they must park elsewhere?" Another idea is to drop DH off, park at some distance, and either walk or take a cab. Alternatively, pull up directly behind her car, or park directly in front of her driveway (this is often done in beach towns where parking is at a premium.)

You could also invite MIL to your place for a meal. I would keep trying before giving up on her.

I'm not at either extreme - both barrels or olive branch.

I would leave her alone unless she reached out with sincere apologies for her very rude behavior. You can't fix NPD, only continue to allow them to wound you and yours. Why would you expose your child to her abuse?

Explain granny's illness in age-appropriate ways, and if he or she has no other granny, you can be the granny sometimes. "Okay, honey, this weekend I'm putting on my "granny" hat and spoiling you rotten. "What ya wanna do?!"

So much better to be the granny.

As for your husband, let him know that you're not willing to waste time and effort with anyone so fickle and unreliable, no matter the ties that bind. You will assist him in visiting her in whatever agreed upon ways, but will not volunteer for her abuse, nor model tolerating abuse and/or rudeness to your child.

Forget her. Live the best life you can.

Bang, bang...reload...bang, bang...repeat...

My not dearly departed MIL was a nasty fucking bitch. She hated the fact I married her daughter...did I mention the tiny fact her daughter had been previously married to an abusive alcoholic/druggie wife beater....but the bitch MIL hated me. I had to give her more than one verbal tuneup...which resulted in her not talking to us for 6 months at a time. BLISS. Her daughter does not miss her mother either BTW.

RB

True narcissistic individuals love any positive or negative attention. They turn it around for their own aims. Ignoring them is the ultimate insult.

Narcissists feed on the misfortune of others. Even if you tell them positive things, they will glean something negative out of your words and use it against you. The narcissist is constantly at war with everyone else. There's only one way to deal with one: ignore the person entirely.

You can't change a narcissist.

Her behavior has nothing to do with you. Most narcissists dislike everyone. Even the nicest people in the world are hated because they are "too nice". The narcissist thinks nice people are trying to make them look bad in comparison, and narcissists actually are bad. If Grandma is a true narcissist, she doesn't love anyone. You can try to protect your family from feeling rejected by her.

Take her at face value. Don't get sucked into the narcissist's world, by always trying to guess her motives, trying to please her, or trying to explain anything to her. Even ignoring her would be too much attention placed on her. Just live your life, and visit her if YOU feel like it. She won't live by your rules, so try not to get upset if she invites you at the last minute, or if she doesn't have a parking place for you, etc. She is thoughtless (except when it comes to herself).

My MIL was a narcissist, and she had the whole family hopping and doing cartwheels around her. She was in charge!!!! Both her sons are con-men and adulterers. One is an addict. Her daughter has had life-long bulimia and OCD. Her husband killed himself.

You decide what is best for your family, and then set the boundary of your choice. In the meantime, think of her as "half-cracked," and don't take her seriously. Please don't let her hurt your feelings. If you don't expect anything from her, you won't be disappointed.

Again, remember, it is all about HER, and not you or anyone else.

Not sure what indicates narcissism from your post. Perhaps is just a busy time. Perhaps she doesn't care enough to make the effort to arrange a time that works, or maybe she lacked the balls to tell unexpected visitors to move their car when you showed up.

Maybe it would be helpful to just tell her you've tried to arrange a visit and it seems like it's just not going to work out any time soon. Do you folks actually enjoy her company or is this feel like an obligation to visit?

If she IS a narcissist, giving it to her with both barrels won't fix anything. Depending on what type of narcissist she is, she would turn that around on you and make herself into a persecuted martyr (including bad mouthing you to anyone who will listen), OR she would go into a rage and tear you to shreds.

I think the best course of action would be not to play her game (if it is a game) of trying to find a time that works, and just put the ball in her court to let you know when she's available for a visit. Make sure she knows you need parking. Then see if that time suits you. If you show up and she isn't available or there is no place to park, then just leave and stop beating your head against that wall.

And like another poster mentioned: If she IS narcissist, the best thing you can do is to avoid her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/02/2017 06:20PM by imaworkinonit.