So I ran into a TBM in a store yesterday. She is the younger sister of a girl I was good friends with in high school, so we kind of go way back by association. She also lives near me and is in the same ward that I am 'supposed' to be in. The same ward that one of my sisters and also my parents are in. I see this girl semi-regularly just because I run into her in public places, and our children go to the same school.

She makes small talk for a second and then goes right into it: asking me what the deal is with me not going to church and well you were letting your kids go, why not anymore, yadda yadda.
I said that I haven't gone to church in 19 years, this is nothing new. And I did let my daughter go with my parents for a little while until I realized what was going on. I also found RfM during that time (didn't mention that). She asked if I was open to having visiting teachers. I said no. She actually had the nerve to tell me (in a confrontational manner) that if I would just explain myself about why I don't go to church, then I wouldn't have to ever explain again and it wouldn't come up. I had to seriously hold back from laughing and getting upset. This is the same person who ambushed me over the summer in a public place about why I don't go to church. Really? It will never come up again? I explained that I let my daughter attend with my parents for awhile for social reasons, not knowing they were trying to get their hooks into her. They would get upset with me if I told them we had other plans on Sunday...as in me and my own husband and kids, as a family, on DH's only day off.

My reasons for not attending tssc are very personal and I doubt she would even be open to hearing them. So I usually just say to people that my hubby is a nevermo, Sundays are his only day off (self-employed), etc....all of it true. I feel its the only thing people can actually relate to and understand. But it always seems to come up again, despite what she said to me. If I ever laid it all out there I would face a huge shit storm, not ready or willing to do that. Frustrated that TBMs are so nosy and think it's any of their business...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/19/2017 12:28PM by bluebutterfly.

Good for you.

Lots of folks will give you a laundry list of reasons to give on why you shouldn't go to church (they'll be adding them shortly), but nothing infuriates a kolobian more than marginalization.

The best way to respond to this kind of thing is to make it seem like it's not a big deal at all. Like you don't even think about it.

It's just another in a long list of churches you don't attend. Nothing special at all.

I'm flabbergasted by the audacity of TBM's asking personal questions about their church in a public place. Why don't they mind their own business? Don't they realize they are digging a hole for themselves and keeping people away from their church by intruding on them? WHY would anyone want to even associate with someone that pries into their personal lives like that?

I saw a really funny ad on TV for Sonic. The one guy is in his robe and slippers, one part of the dialogue has to do with what kind of business he is in and he says; "nonya" or something like that.. meaning? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! Love it!

Time to tell nosey TBM's that their questions are none of your business! Good time to ask: why do you need to know that?
And walk away!

It probably wouldn't matter what reasons you gave her (if you gave her some) for not attending -- they'd never be "good enough" for her, and it wouldn't "never come up again." You're absolutely right about that.

I'm rarely confronted by TBMs any more, though now and then when a local one finds out I used to be a member and was an RM, sometimes they ask why I stopped going. There's always that moment of indecision: do I actually tell them why, and really piss them off? Do I tell them it's none of their damn business, and piss them off even more?

I usually just say, "I didn't believe. I still don't. So I don't go." Unless they press...at which point I'm happy to lay it all out for them :)

Outstanding advice, Hie! I generally say, "I tried Mormonism, but it didn't work for me. I'm glad it works for you, but I really have no interest in it, or need to talk about it."

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a . . . Sunday School next week, or, to annoy you in a future confrontation.


Good going not answering her questions or letting her draw you into this conversation. She gets power from getting you to answer or explain things that are none of her business.

When someone asks me something that is none of their business I just take a long pause, look directly at them, and then say, "Seriously? You really ask me that?" Puts them on the defensive that they were trying to get you on.

Mark Twain said, "Never argue with stupid, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience every time."

Same could be said of not arguing with this type of pushy, no boundaries, inappropriate, rude type TBM.

You are wise the way you say nothing and make mystery work for you. It drives them nuts.

I think you are handling it *really* well. You are responding in a dignified manner to questions that are intrusive and rude.

If you ever need to amp it up, here are some suggestions --

a) "Why don't you tend to yourself?" or

b) "That's a personal matter." If pressed, "It's a personal matter like sex is a personal matter. Shall we discuss your sex life? No? Then perhaps you should tend to yourself."

summer Wrote:
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> b) "That's a personal matter."

This will be immediately interpreted by the TBM to mean that you
still think the Church is true, but you have a major sin that's
keeping you from attending.

Why is it so hard for some people to understand and take a "because I don't want to" as an answer.

Every now and then I have been ask by members that I know, how am I doing?, how is my wife an children?, I answer "we are doing great" because we are! And they can see I am living happily after I left the church... they usually don't ask me why I don't go any more and if they do, all that I say, with a smile on my face, is
: "because I don't want to".

Maybe I am just too plain or bold. But I haven't meet someone that keeps bugging me about it.

Because i'm not a sheep...

I give people one chance to hear me say, "No."

If they ignore me and bring up the subject (TSCC) again, I let them have it: I tell them it's none of their fucking business (in those exact words) what I do with my time and I don't have to explain anything.

And if it's a (fellow) male who's bugging me and ignores my initial, polite response, the second time I'm not polite. I intentionally give him a small but firm shove in the middle of his chest, look him in the eye, and snarl, "Respect me." That ends the conversation.

IMO, ExMos are frequently far too polite with TBMs. They're like two-year-olds. You have to set firm limits and then make it extremely unpleasant for them when they ignore those limits.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/18/2017 08:20PM by getbusylivin.

Wow! Who would have thought you you could be a bad ass when pushed! I'm tempted to come and visit and then push your buttons so I get the scowl and the poke in the chest. Then, I'd scowl back and we both say, "Fuck it!" Let's go to the beach and swim the way nature intended! Laughing loudly with you, Bro!

Hey, Boner, a dip in the ocean sounds great.

(Baptisms would be far more popular if they involved waves, beach volleyball, and ladies in string bikinis, IMO.)

Please add co-ed shirt and skins volleyball and I'm IN! We'd probably cause a tsunami that would wipe out Brazil!

getbusylivin Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I tell them it's none
> of their fucking business (in those exact words)

Yep. That's exactly what I was going to write.

It's rather strange, the missionaries have shown up twice at my house in the past 2 months. I just tell them I have read Ian Stevenson and that's the reason they will never get me back.

Okay, got2Breal, you've piqued my interest. I know who Ian Stevenson was, and he doesn't seem particularly scary. Do the missionaries stay away just because you mention Ian Stevenson, as though he may have published something that is devastating to the church, and they'd better not learn what it was? Or do you tell them what he wrote about, and that keeps them away?

The next time that happens,(and there will be more next times), tell em : "And the truth shall make you free". "Truth=Power, my mind's free, "and Now is the Great Day of My Power!" Enjoy the deer in the headlights expressions. ;D

You said that you felt like laughing at her. I think that laughing at people is very effective. A laugh with a shaking of the head that indicates you can't believe she said what she said as you walk away can be very powerful without saying a word.

By the way, there is no relationship to preserve with this bitchy sort of associated person despite your tenuous connection going so far back.

Nothing shuts them up quicker than laughing in their face. The trouble is that many of us don't feel like laughing when someone is rude to us in public.

I think I'd cut her off in a flash.

Hold up a hand like a policeman stopping traffic. Say, "Stop. I won't be discussing my religious beliefs or explaining why I do what I do but thanks for asking. Have you been following the PTA meeting agenda at school this year? I love the new volunteer program. I plan to be at school more often to help. How about you?"

In other words. Simple say you won't discuss religion and immediately change the subject.

Exmos don't owe anyone explanations for not going to the mormon or any other church.

It does seem like less is more when I give my 'reasons' for not being part of their church. How can anyone argue with me saying that Sunday is the only day for our family to spend together. I don't believe this girl will never bring it up again.

I do need to work on a pre-formulated response for the mishies, though. They have shown up at least 3 times since I've been in my current house (less than 2 years). I get all panicky, sweaty, and can't form words! Why do they have that effect on me?? I am twice their age and they don't scare me, but it's as if I feel I'm being invaded! lol

We were all conditioned to be afraid of the Mormon church and to see any of their representatives as having some authority over us.

You know in your head that this isn't true. They have no authority and are nothing but arrogant and ignorant in their boundary pushing ways. BUT. The indoctrination and brainwashing runs deep and so many of us have had these "knee-jerk" reactions in spite of the fact that we have reclaimed our lives.

Have a little mantra you say silently to yourself the next time the missionaries knock or you see that Mormon woman at the store.

Like, sing to yourself the first line of Leslie Gore's "You don't own me. I'm not one of your many toys."

Then out loud, just like when the unwanted phone soliciters are calling, I say, "No thank you. Not interested." and then hang up (or close the door or walk away) as they continue their spiel. They may be talking but there is no law that says you have to be listening. It is not rude to hang up on someone just because they are still talking. It IS rude of them to keep talking after you have said "No thank you."

The knee-jerk reaction will give way to anger soon enough I would expect.

You don't need to even open the door to them. Ignore them, or say through your closed and locked door, "I'm not interested. Please leave my property immediately." As a single woman, I strongly advocate not opening your door to strangers, even if those strangers happen to have white shirts and black nametags.

I agree with Baura, that any polite evasion, or any vague generalization will be interpreted by Mormons as weakness. If you refer to the social aspects of Mormonism, the Mormons will think you were "offended", or that you are a social misfit.

Whatever you say--never own the problem. It's not YOUR fault that Mormonism is a hoax!

There is no reason why you would ever have to apologize for rescuing yourself and your children from an evil cult.

Never explain. Don't open it up for discussion.

Tell the truth, with a smile, with pride and confidence!

"We found out that Mormonism is a fraud, so we left, as a family."

"Mormonism is a hoax cult."

"I had a revelation that the Mormon church is NOT true."

"I studied my way out of the Mormon church."

"We're Lutherans now."


Your certainty, and the finality of your statement, will probably put them off. Mormons are cowards, and they are afraid of confident, secure people. Bullies tend to prey on the weak.

It is wise to not mention your history, Mormon abuse, Mormon stalking, or any of the social aspects of Mormonism at all. Doctrinally, it's false. Enough said.

The last time i went to church i usually brought up those unsavory details tbms would rather not discuss always in a non confrontational manner...just fleshing out the lesson a bit....some joker behind me leaned ahead and whispered...you just like to cause discord...now i could really give a rats ass about his opinion but now when asked why i dont attend its really simple...i was offended...it sooths them instantly cuz the fossdicks said that was a valid reason...its worked well several times...morms are good with it...they understand completely...other options would be...im just lazy...i wanted to sin...who gives a crap what they think...keep it simple...they really only want a ripe tidbit to gossip about next week anyway

Its time to revamp your responses for your ambushers.

What is wrong with saying...

My reasons for not attending tssc are very personal and I doubt you would be open to hearing them"

Borrow my fave response for ambushers that haven't seen me touch a foot in a LDS chapel in over 15 years.

"Why do you ask?" I swear it usually stops them right in their tracks. If they continue, ask...

"Why do YOU need to know that?"

Finally..if they push more..you respond with...
"I am sure from your perspective you mean well and feel you are obligated to keep asking personal questions from a stranger. (Pause for dumbfounded or aghast look) Yes, we are strangers. You are lacking appropriate social boundaries for people who are not your close friends. There is no need for me to explain my personal choices to you. Have a good day!

Then walk away like you have something far more happier to engage in (because you do!) and let them scratch their heads on wondering what the heck just happened.

You don't owe anyone who doesn't know you or isn't in a relationship with you. Send them packing with their own damaged baggage.

RMM