I am hoping to get some perspective from people here -- who have been down this road.

I converted to the church in 2005. My husband did not get baptized when I did. I participated erratically -- mainly due to his dislike of the church. I loved being part of the LDS church. I felt like I had a purpose, a passion, and yes, a testimony. When my husband would come to me with research he had done, I would read it. It would confuse me. He would say he did not want me going. But I always wound up going back.

Then, to my surprise, around 2010, he met with the missionaries, took the lessons and was baptized. It was only a couple of months before he stopped attending and I stopped with him.

Most of my friends are church members. My kids' friends are all Mormons. My husband let my son join the Scouting troop of the ward we're in but is now angry we have people showing up to talk to us. I have read this board; the things that just don't fit in the theology, the histories of Joseph Smith, so much that I did not know before I joined. All of this is dire -- and yet, I will be truthful, I still want to return to church. I miss it. I feel so stupid because I want to go back, even though intellectually I cannot say that it is entirely true.

Has anyone been here before? I feel like I am on the edge of some great precipice. My husband wants to resign our names from membership. I am not sure I'm ready to commit to that. If anyone has any wisdom to share -- I would be so grateful.

If you believe the whole Mormon narrative, the Jaredite barges, the great battles, the Celestial Kingdom that only a man can get you into by calling you out from the grave by a secret name, well, you belong in the Mormon church. If you don't believe these things then why not check out other faith communities and/or humanist groups? There are good and nice people everywhere.

If you don't hold Mormon beliefs (history and theology) you are kind of there under false colors. Mormons are too insecure to allow for partial believers. Meanwhile in other churches, Unitarian, many Protestant congregations, it is okay for people to agree with some of the doctrine and not other parts. It's more likely that there, people will like you for who you really are.

If you go back to Mormon practice it will be increasingly difficult year by year to leave. Better to get on your own feet now and look for a community you can be a part of. It might not be a church at all but some secular group that, say helps the elderly or promotes literacy or does yoga or goes hiking. Have a look around.

I am a nevermo so can't help you in this particular quandary but there are many here who, I'm sure, will be of great help to you. Just be patient in waiting for their comments. My best wishes to you.

I am a life long Mormon who experienced times of inactivity. I fully committed when my sons choose to serve missions. Husband was raised in a strict Mormon home. He never believed and as soon as he turned 18 said I'm not serving a mission and never went back. I was called to a stake position while one of my sons was serving a mission. That experience opened my eyes. I left for good 5 years ago.
I am wondering what part of the country you live?
I have many good girlfriends who are Mormon. We go to lunch every week. Most are pretty open minded. Today was an interesting conversation. All of those in attendance admitted they are social members. They love the easy access to meeting neighbors and making friends with similar goals and values. None of them drink, but have no problem breaking the sabbath or turning down callings or going to one meeting on Sunday. They feel it's a good way for kids to meet friends. Utah is unique where the majority are lds. It's hard to find people like this inside Utah. I consider myself lucky.
Outside of Utah I have friends who say the church is pretty liberal in areas. They do what they want and basically ignore the fossil 15 and try to be charitable.
I feel like you can maintain your Mormon friendships and ties without being an active member, or even a resigned member. It is a dance to be sure. I have to accept a certain degree of Mormon chatter cause it's part of their lives. I get that and just roll with it. The majority of the time we talk about a myriad of topics and laugh and enjoy our friendships. I don't bring up controversial topics, but they often do. I will put in my two cents at that point with a 'In my opinion' and no one gets offended.
I'm not sure if your Ward members are open minded or if they are hard core brain washed. That is really the determining factor. I could not sacrifice my integrity and socialize with the majority of TBM Mormons I come across. Choose your people wisely, but just know there are good ones out there. You can figure it out pretty quickly.

My exmormon friend and non Mormon me often go to the conferences, firesides and other functions held by the local lds church. Some of the speakers are excellent, people are nice and we have a pleasant time. no pressure, they're too busy and just happy to get a crowd

Your husband has integrity.

Do you really want to be part of an organization that is based on lies, misogyny and bigotry and hurts so many people just because it works for you socially?

First off, you aren't stupid. The church is very good at what it does. They want you to stay, they want you to feel a part of "something", everyone wants to feel like they "belong". The church is very good at making people feel like they "belong" as long as they believe like they do.

It hurts to leave a tribe. You become accustomed to attachments and the people you have there. The people who run the church know this, it's why they assign friends and encourage social connections inside the church (as often only in the church).

As hard as it is, you can make these connections outside the church. Often they are strong and better because, they aren't dependent on a belief system. When you make it clear that you don't want to attend the church anymore, it will become obvious that these people, with perhaps a few execptions, if you're lucky, are not your friends, they are friends with the church, and you both happen to go to the same one. From what I've been able to gather, this isn't always the case with other religions.

Here are my suggestions (not necessarily in this order):
- Stop going, each week, make a decision, decide not to go, it will get easier as the weeks go by. Fill your Sundays with something else, something that you find enjoyable.

- Do more research on the church, from non-LDS sources. You might be surprised at what else you find to help you make that first step easier. Some suggested resources I can recommend are http://cesletter.com, http://www.mormonthink.com, and http://packham.n4m.org/#MORMONISM These were a great help to me in understanding just what the church was teaching and it's history.

- The people who run this site suggest not joining another religion for at least a year to allow your head to clear and untangle itself from what mormonism has done to you. I think that's wise. It also gives you time to research and learn about what you're looking for and not jump to the "next thing" think of it like what happens after you separate from a long time companion, you don't want the next group you join to be the "rebound" group and end up feeling like that was a mistake.

- Find groups that fit your hobbies. I took up knitting (I'm a guy, so it was a little weird at first, but the knitting groups I've attended have all been extremely fun and welcoming). Meet people outside of the church. It's healthy and fun.

- Find a scout troop outside of the church for your husband and kids (or better, find a scout like group that's more accepting than Boy Scouts). I think they will find that they enjoy them more and it'll probably fit their needs better. It will also help cut those ties better too.

I was "born in the church", a returned missionary and spent a long time untangling myself from the church, it's not easy, it can hurt and the church keeps trying to get their claws back in you. I hope you find help... Keep posting questions here and feel free to vent too... It can help to know that you're not alone in this.

Your relationship with your husband is real. Why strain it if the church isn't true?

Your church friendships are probably about an inch deep.

How do I know? Because I've lived through ward boundary changes, calling changes, and leaving the church. Most ward relationships are friendships of convenience. It's been rough to realize that those who you thought you were friends with aren't interested in hanging out anymore after the boundary change or calling change, or moving. If you see someone every week because you serve with them, then you act like friends. But you are really just friendLY. When the calling changes, how many times do you hardly talk to someone anymore? If you leave the church, they might not even notice, or worse, yet, they might gossip, lovebomb, or avoid you. It would be awkward. What I'm saying, is whatever 'community' the church offers is just a facade of friendship.

Real friends don't require you to agree with their religious beliefs, or get upset when you leave their church. I made friends at the Unitarian church after I left Mormonism. And then I stopped going (probably 10 years ago). I still keep in touch with a bunch of them. Nobody CARES that I stopped going. There are NO bad feelings toward that religion, and I feel perfectly comfortable around old friends I made there.

If the church is true, maybe it would be worth whatever price you have to pay to follow it. But if it's not, it's CERTAINLY not worth it for the social aspect. Because most people have to suppress so much of their authentic selves, including realistic doubts, to fit in. Think long and hard about exposing your child to the guilt and manipulation that he'll be subjected to. Keep in mind that he may take it more seriously than YOU do.

I think, that as a parent, you really need to figure out if it's true or not.

Some recommended reading: Insider's View of Mormon Origins by Grant Palmer. I wish I had found this book when I was studying my way out of the church. I think it would have helped me sort out the main issues and see the church for what it is.

I also recommend Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steven Hassan. Because I think you already know the church isn't true. But you've been manipulated. This book helped me recognize the ways I was manipulated, and it helped me realize that my mixed feelings about leaving the church were a natural result of cult programming (and not a sign that I was making a mistake by leaving). And it was really interesting reading.

Good luck.

So far, the initial responses to your question seem to fall into two categories:

1) Act based on personal integrity

and

2) Act based on what seems pleasant and easy.

Actual experience in the outside world shows that it is entirely possible to find true happiness in being authentic, in experiencing life with honesty and integrity, in meeting and mixing with a wide variety of people who have a wide variety of beliefs and ideas.

If you are not a perfect, true-believing Mormon, but you want a church, find church that accepts you as you are. There are lots of them. Find real friends, who are your friends because they genuinely like you, instead of because that is the social face that you are taught to wear. You may even find that you enjoy learning new things and exploring new ideas and viewpoints. Not to mention the freedom to speak without constant self-censorship.

Thank you for a heartfelt post! I, too, was a convert and eventually came to find out that Mormonism was a sham with manufactured claims, sanitized history, and weird social structures. In good conscience, I could not remain a member.

My wife is a returned missionary, as are several of my kids. When I told my wife I no longer believed in Mormonism, she told me the marriage was over (we've been married for more that 30 years). But, we are no longer soulmates. I chose to remain in my marriage even though I knew Mormonism would divide me from my wife. I didn't want my children to be raised by another father. You, fortunately, are not in my position.

When a spouse wants to resign and the other spouse doesn't want to, it can have serious long-term effects on the marriage. You already know this. However, you understand why your husband doesn't want to remain a member.

So, I think you need to have an honest conversation with your husband about your mutual church membership. If he wants to resign, he should be able to do so with your support. If you want to remain a member, you should be able to remain a member with his mutual support. Membership is record keeping. If he's uncomfortable being a member of record, that's okay. If you want your name to stay on the records, that's okay too.

However, please consider your children. Adults can work things out in a marriage. And adults can tailor their relationships with the church. But, Mormonism will do its best to brainwash and enculturate your children into it, AND tell them that you and your husband are not worthy parents--even if you keep your name on the records!

I encouraged my TBM wife and kids to be a very active part of the church because that's what they desired and no amount of talking, pleading, or cussing was going to change their minds. Several of my children are returned missionaries, and I haven't been able to see my children get married. Are you willing to be supportive of your children if they choose Mormonism, missions, and temple marriage over you and your husband? How will he react to these scenarios?

So, I encourage you and your husband to talk about mutual wants and needs and how you'll deal with Mormonism in your children's lives. Even if you do resign, you can still attend. However, eventually, you and your family will be shunned by your ward, just as I am shunned my my ward--I think intuitively you know this.

I hope this gives you some ideas for a meaningful conversation with your husband. Best wishes.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2017 10:28PM by BYU Boner.

I'm seeing two major problems here. One is that you are experiencing significant discord with your husband over your LDS church membership. I would suggest counseling in order for the two of you to work through this issue. I don't think that there is a right answer or a wrong answer as far as how to handle your membership, but I do think the two of you need to make your peace with whatever you both decide.

The other issue is that most of your friends are church members and that your kids' friends are all Mormon. This is neither healthy nor desirable. Both you and your kids need to cultivate non-Mormon friends as well. I don't think you will be able to make a good decision on your church membership until your life is more balanced in this regard.

A big two thumbs up for Summer's suggestion!

I didn't have RfM to turn to when I lost my belief in Mormonism. It took me years to separate fact from fiction.

I did it on my terms, in my own time. I waffled back and forth, and even returned to church activity *out of nostalgia,* after both my parents died two months apart, both unexpectedly.

Whether you leave now or in the future, go at your own pace. One size does not fit all. Still, you'll hear from many here who will encourage you to leave now and get it over with.

Since you're admitting your uncertainty, my advice is to give into the uncertainty until you know for sure which way to go.

You'll know when your resolve is there to stop going. If you aren't ready to go "cold turkey," that's okay. It's really what's in your comfort zone.

Everyone's path is different (in that regard, everyone's path is the same).

Choose your path. Respect your husband's path and insist that he do likewise.

Personally I'd say get out, for a myriad of reasons. But that's your call. Look in your heart. And, once you've made your decision, keep looking within. Things change. Sticking up for yourself and being humble are two sides of the same coin.

Be happy. Regardless of your choice concerning the church, your choice to be happy is separate and is completely within your control. No one else is responsible for your happiness.

I greatly appreciate the time that each of you has taken to share your perspectives and, in many of your replies, kind words of encouragement. I feel like I wasn't as clear as I could have been -- it is hard to always be as articulate as I would like in a forum like this. While I did state that Many of my friends are Mormon, and my kids' friends as well, I am not trying to use that as an excuse to stay. If anything, I do realize that it's not particularly healthy -- which, again, some of you were able to point out.

The social support provided in the church is important, but not paramount. It's the...I don't quite know what to call it, maybe cognitive dissonance?...between what I was taught the church is and what I am really seeing it to be. It's hard to accept. But I want to accept it. I really do. I feel like I need to. It's just so very hard to see something you thought was beautiful turn ugly before your eyes.

Please know that I support my husband 100%. I would NEVER ever try to convince or threaten him into changing his decision to renounce the church. I love and respect him far too much to ever not support him on an issue of belief. Yes, he has integrity. I like to think that I have integrity as well, and I will always do my best to support him in every way. He is the love of my life.

I am taking all of the advice I have seen very seriously. Thank you for the suggestions of where I can get more information. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and what you have learned. I am grateful.

It's entirely possible that once your husband has resigned, your local ward may make your own decision to exit much easier. The most effective anti-Mormons are often Mormons themselves. For example:

– Is your Relief Society generally empathetic to women with unbelieving or inactive husbands, or are they judgmental and prone to gossip? When your husband officially leaves, you'll see what they are really made of. There will almost certainly be pressure on you to bring him back into the fold, and then blame when he doesn't fall into line.

– Is your bishop a good guy or a jackass? The worst bishops are known to "counsel" members to divorce their nonbelieving spouses. And even if the bishop is decent, he will still be concerned about the non-payment of tithing; expect lectures on that subject no matter what.

If you happen to belong to a particularly rigid and obnoxious ward, their new attitude may send you running for the door. The social dynamics of Mormonism are dependent on everyone being fully invested and in lock-step with the prescribed program. Deviate and suffer the consequences. Never forget that Mormonism is at its core a cult, in which the greatest virtue is obedience to the hierarchy.

As for the church drop-ins, I recommend you let your husband take care of them on his own terms, with your full approval. If he wants to be forceful, and rip them some bright shiny new ones, let him have at it. It will allow him to regain a measure of control over the situation, power that he may feel he has lost.

Might I also suggest that you examine your own motivations and desires, to determine precisely why you think you NEED to accept the church. You may have to be brutally honest with yourself. Is it a specific doctrine that appeals to you? (I can't imagine it's celestial polygamy.). What are you missing that you want, and how is Mormonism filling that particular void? Then think of ways to find those answers outside of the cult.

And for what it's worth, investigators are never taught the truth about the church. If missionaries were to disclose the harsh reality, the actual history and the indefensible doctrines, no one would ever join. You're not stupid, you were deceived.