So this may be a little bit personal, but I guess I am going to ask anyways. I am a single woman who was raised in a very Mormon family where everyone gets married in the temple and does not even think about drinking coffee or shopping on Sunday. I have left the church awhile ago, but I am still slowly attempting to transition into normal culture after many years of being surrounded by primarily Mormons. I currently live in a place where there is not such a high density Mormon population and I have started dating a man who is not Mormon. We get along great and I am enjoying spending time with him. However, I feel like I am a naïve idiot when it comes to dating someone who was not raised around Mormon culture. I have told him that I was raised Mormon but that I no longer believe in the church. However, I don't think that he really realizes how naïve I am having lived in a bubble for so long. I am old enough that I feel like I should have had much more experience than I do. I have been pressured all of my life to be a good Mormon girl and to think that sex is the devil. Is this guy that I'm dating going to think that I am completely weird if he finds out that I have never had sex? How do I even tell him? I just feel so awkward and anxious about it but I know the conversation will be coming soon. Hopefully this isn't totally inappropriate to ask here.....Any advice?

you didn't tell us how old you are.

If he really cares about you, he won't care that you haven't had sex. If he thinks that's a big "score" for him, then you should give him a wide berth. There's nothing wrong with sex between two consenting adults, but you need not be in any hurry to engage. When you're ready, it's ok. If you're not ready, it's not. If he's the right guy, he'll get that. If he doesn't get it, then he's not the right guy.

Sorry, that may be more than you were asking to hear...

I haven't been in the position you are in (still married to the man I was married to when I left the church).

But I think that if a man truly cares about you, he'll be understanding, patient, and probably more than happy to help you through the situation. And only if/when you are ready; you should not be pressured to do anything you don't want to do.

I was in the reverse situation. I was a naive, inexperienced man. Some women I dated thought I was weird. Some were understanding. Some were judgmental. Some were helpful. Some didn't want to waste their time with it. It took years to feel and act normal.

I suggest giving your guy the chance to show how he'd handle your total honesty and openness. Is he compassionate, understanding, patient and helpful? It might go well, or it might go badly. If the latter, pick yourself up, assess what you've learned, then either give the guy another chance or move on until you find a man with whom it all works well.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/29/2017 11:36PM by Stray Mutt.

Curious why he even needs to know....the past is the past.

Gatorman
9-4
16-5

gatorman Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Curious why he even needs to know....the past is
> the past.


But her past is not the past with her. It affects the relationship.

Instead of him possibly thinking, "Sheesh, she's messed up about sex," it might be better for her to say, "I'm kind of messed up about sex, and here's why."

I think it's important to understand that there is no "one size fits all" among nevermos. Some are more adventurous and uninhibited when it comes to their sexuality, some are more cautious and conservative. And there is anything in between.

So you be you. When the time comes for the chat, just be honest and forthcoming. Tell the man that you haven't had sex yet due to a strict religious upbringing. Talk about under what circumstances you are willing to have sex -- when you are married? Engaged? In a committed relationship? Have been seeing each other for awhile and it feels right? Or?

Don't feel pressured into having sex before you are ready. If the man makes you feel less than for not having sex on his schedule, he is not the right one for you. I would advise you not to invite a man into your apartment (or go into his) after a night out, because that is when things start to develop. A lot of times, if you go out for dinner, a movie, and then invite a man into your home, he will take that as a signal that you are interested in sexy times.

If you haven't already, I would start educating yourself about birth control options NOW, even if you don't plan on having sex anytime soon.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2017 06:04AM by summer.

Hate to say it, but you should consider this honestly -

Why would you consider having sex with someone you cannot trust to be respectful of who you are, as you are?

You are not obliged to tell anyone anything (except possible medical concerns), especially a potential sexual partner, if you fear being judged by him or her.

That said, the fear of a virgin admitting that she's a virgin, and fear of the actual sexual act, may not be anything to do with him, but more about you.

I think all virgins may he afraid of judgement, wonders if it will hurt, etc. I think you should have a visit with a good, open-minded female ob-gyn and discuss your fears. Ask friends for references. Whatever your fears, a good gynocologist should be able, and will take the time, to help.* It's also a great time to get your HPV vaccine- before you have sex. You can opt to have your hymen surgically removed, so a penis is not the only "tool" for the task. Hymen penetration goes from mild to harsh, and you may want the advice of a doctor dollowing an exam. It's not unusual to cry from embarrassment during your first examination.

Are you educated about birth control and STDs? If not, a gyn can help with that, too.

Sorry if TMI. I just hope a decent "first experience" for you. I don't know how old you are, if you've done any non-lds reading on it, or have seen and talked openly to a doctor.

On gyns-

I'm in my 50s, and last week, for the first time EVER, my new (female) gyn wanted to meet me with my clothes on. Until then, I had never known how much more vulnerable I had always felt meeting a new male doc in nothing but a paper gown with the opening in front, the ONLY way that I had ever met a male gyn. It was really an eye-opener - the majority of the time I was in my clothes, and I was only naked for the actual exam. It was very comforting, and I was able to open up to her much more easily. Go figure that a younger female doc would "get it."

This is great advice. Thought about saying it but felt uncomfortable for some reason that I can't articulate...seems best from female I suppose...

Gatorman
9-4
16-5

There is nothing wrong waiting until your wedding night. Why are women expected to have sex with men they are not married to yet?

I feel very uncomfortable about being expected to give sex on a date to someone I'm just beginning/trying get to know. Sex is just too intimate. Also why risk getting incurable diseases? Why go against your conscience if you believe sex belongs in marriage only?

------------------

Changing the direction slightly to add some personal comments:

I'm still a virgin at age 59 and truly do not believe I'm missing anything good except a wonderful marriage to a wonderful man. The wonderful man has not come along at this point and I am not upset about that. That is just life.

In any case, I am missing nothing because the divorce rate is highest between hearing men and deaf women. (I'm a deaf woman.)

The lowest divorce rate?
Hearing men and hearing women.
Deaf men and deaf women.

The 2nd worst divorce rate?
Hearing women and deaf men. (Apparently, women put up with a lot more but they also reach their breaking point.)

Deafness is a rather cruel disability because it attacks at the center of communication even with using hearing instruments that can't make you 100% normal hearing.

I'v never had chocolate, but I truly believe I'm not missing anything by never eating it. Why risk getting fat over it?

Yes, there's nothing wrong with "waiting" if you want. There's also nothing wrong with NOT "waiting." And it takes the tiniest bit of intelligence and planning to reduce the risk of STDs to damn near zero.

It's a free country. If you want to wait, then wait.

But having said that, there is such a thing a sexual incompatibility. Sex drives can differ markedly. Sexual tastes can differ markedly. A relationship where there is sexual incompatibility can be the worst form of hell.

Some people will buy a car having never gotten behind the wheel. But others like to sink into the cushy seats, check out the rear view, see if the dashboard is attractive and makes sense, and also see if the car is fun to drive. And it's not just the men who like to check things out.

Your mileage may vary. ;)

And none of this is to denigrate your worth as an individual. Personality, compatibility, the connection that you have, are major, major factors. But if you want to have sex 3-4 times a year, and your husband wants it several times a week, there will be unhappiness. And yes, that can and does happen.

I don't think it's so much that women are expected to have sex with men they aren't married to; more like, people have sex. It's an innate basic need. Marriage is a social construct that is essentially meaningless to the reproductive process. Not everyone believes that sex belongs within marriage only.

To my mind, marriage is completely unnecessary to emotional intimacy and healthy loving relationships. Love takes many, many forms. And sex outside of a marriage isn't necessarily NOT loving.

"Is this guy that I'm dating going to think that I am completely weird if he finds out that I have never had sex? How do I even tell him?"

If the subject comes up, and he asks you, you could just respond with "I guess the right guy just hasn't come along yet."

Then see if he does what he needs to do to become that right guy. I will say, though, that if he teases or criticizes you for being a virgin, he's probably not a very good guy.

I'm in the opposite situation as well I didnt realize I was weird until I was around non religious women for extended periods of time and found that there is no instant cure for this and it sucked and it cost me hence to say I'm still alone sadly this is something that will take years to normalize but I'm sure will get easier but if your guy can't adjust to certain things then you might have to say goodbye like I had to to some women adjusting takes a lot patience especially if you were raised mormon like I was it's a hard fight to be normal cause they got to us super young and we have no idea what normal is cause we were in a tight bubble. But good luck though.

It looks like the problem is about more than just communications about your naive past and what he might think about your lack of experience. You need to decide what you want involving sex going forward, and to be able to communicate that to him without any hangups about it. That can seem to be next to impossible. If you're like most mormons and ex-mormons, that isn't easy. You need to learn how to do it without acting like you're plotting something evil.

If all you want is a conservative, mormon-church-approved kind of marital sex and monogamy, be prepared to communicate that to him. If you get turned on by things like audiences, being tied up, threesomes, or some other fetish, be prepared to communicate that... sooner or later. If you both want the same things and if you are willing to do your part to pursue those things, your past will not be so relevant. If you go after what you want and if you and he are sexually compatible, he won't see you as sheltered or naive. It could be quite the opposite. You need to decide what you want sexually, and what you're willing to compromise on for someone else's pleasure if he should want something slightly different than what you want. Don't let shame enter in. Talk about it the way you would talk about your favorite flavor of icecream, or your favorite movie.

After I left the church, I remember flirting with a group of women one night out at a bar. The discussion got a little sexual. A few of the women looked at eachother and whispered what seemed like an inside joke that I couldn't hear, and then subtly pointed to one of the women's CTR ring which I hadn't noticed yet. Another one of them said with a semi-nervous laugh, "choose the right". I acted like I didn't know what was going on and kept flirting with them. I liked one of them and was making progress. I ended up later that night, making out with her in the parking lot. I liked her but decided later that we weren"t compatible because I didn't want to be involved with a church member again (screwed up sexual values and a slave to the church). But the worst thing I could have done if I wanted anything to happen is to tell them right then that I used to be a member, went on a mission, etc... That crap kills the mood every time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/03/2017 02:24AM by azsteve.

"Like A Virgin" _Madonna

If you weren't, or hadn't been Mormon, would you still be in your shoes?

Tell him. He'll either be happy, understanding, disapointed, all of the above, or leave.

This is a perfect example of how the Mormon cult can turn something fun and normal into something shameful and scary--like life and laughter and having non-Mormon friends and wearing a bikini at the beach, and a mother having a great career, and a man going off to college instead of going on a mission.

Enjoy! Experience will come with time. You need both. This is called "living." There's no shortcut to experience, IMO, but isn't that nice? You get to find out for yourself!

I enjoyed being affectionate with my boyfriends. I was fond of them, and had those feelings to express. To have sex just so you will be experienced would be emotionally dishonest, IMO. But I'm old fashioned, and think of sex as an expression of love.

YOU decide what YOU want. Decide ahead of time, before passion clouds your judgment. Sex is often spontaneous, but you still must prepare. Yes, see an OBGYN! Being prepared will make most of your fears go away, and you will feel "experienced" in knowing how to use birth control. You will feel a heck of a lot more secure and confident, even if you don't use it until you are married (make sure your stuff isn't old). You use your own birth control. Never trust a man who says he's had that operation, because it can fail, and also you can still get an STD.

Your situation isn't as weird as you might think. There are lots of people out there who wait before they have sex for the first time and they aren't all Mormons.

I am a nevermo who married an exmo convert. I am not very religious at all. I swear like a sailor. But I was 30 years old when I lost my virginity to my husband, two weeks after our wedding day. Besides me, my husband has only been with his ex wife. He was a nevermo virgin when they started dating. He was in his mid 20s at the time.

There's a first time for everyone. I highly recommend really getting to know the guy before you take the plunge, too. In many ways, being a virgin can be very liberating. I'm really glad I waited. My husband is truthfully the best man I've ever been with because I have no one to compare him to. ;-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/03/2017 07:45AM by knotheadusc.

Just make sure if you're going to lose your virginity that you're not only ready to yourself, as in don't let someone pressure you or coerce you. But make sure the one you're going to do it with is as into you as you are him.

If you're looking for a serious relationship, that is.

There's many guys who would see your virginity as a challenge, and you as a trophy if they could be the one to seduce you.

If you don't mind experimenting yourself you might be fine. Women get way more emotionally invested into a guy after having sex, than the guy feels for the woman typically. True intimacy takes time to develop, and is cerebral before ever becoming physical.

There's lots of men who lose interest after the sex, if that's all they wanted in the first place.

So... go at your own pace, and be careful with your heart! (Not to forget practice safe sex if you're going to!)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/03/2017 05:32AM by Amyjo.

Thanks so much everyone for the words of advice and encouragement. It is so helpful to hear from others who can understand where I am coming from. I'm afraid that things have not gone so well with this particular guy and I feel so clueless still as to how to date a non-Mormon...I guess I just need some more practice. I really appreciate the support though as I attempt to transition to a normal lifestyle and try to figure out what that means to me.

Take your time. It's really worth it to wait. I promise you that if it's not going well with the guy you're with, he's not the one you want to lose your virginity to. Remember... I was THIRTY when I lost mine. And others have lost theirs later. And it's not the end all, be all, anyway.

Dating is essentially a numbers game. You can expect a lot of men that you will say "no" to before you get to "yes." Just be yourself. You are fine as you are.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/04/2017 07:33PM by summer.

Yes, as summer says, and remember, as the saying goes, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince" ;)

I definitely agree with the suggestions to visit an OB/GYN. And do this sooner, rather than later.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/04/2017 09:31PM by cinda.

Here is my advice. If it resonates with you, take it. If not, just throw it out. It might not be for you.

It can take some practice to know what you want/need sexually, both in terms of the mechanics and physical pleasure and in terms of emotional, relationship and spiritual aspects. This is one of those things where practice (and the right partner) make perfect. You may need some time and possibly different partners to figure that out. Please do not proceed unless you are with someone you completely trust, and feel free to stop at any point in the process where you no longer feel comfortable.

If this is someone you are hoping to maintain a relationship with, you should definitely tell him. He might be understanding, or might not be. He might still want to have sex with you, or he might not. Don't take it as a rejection of your being, your worth, or your desirability. Being someone's first partner, especially when they are trying to overcome "sex is the devil" thinking, is a big responsibility. If he's a decent guy, he won't take that lightly. You may even have to explain that you are not only a virgin, but have never seen an erect penis, or had your breasts touched. You could practice saying it out loud, so the words get comfortable in your mouth.

Think about what your expectations are for this relationship. Love and heartache often go hand in hand, but it can be helpful to be on the same page as the other person about expectations. Are you in love with him, and you want to express it physically? Do you like him, and just want to sort of play it by ear and see where it goes? Do you just want to get your first time over with so that you feel less naive? And the big one, do you expect this to be an exclusive relationship? These days some people do not expect the sexual relationship to be exclusive unless there has been a conversation about that and a commitment made.

If this relationship does not work out, you might consider what you want for next time around. Someone you love that will also teach you about sex? Someone equally inexperienced? Or someone who is kind, patient, and willing to teach you but is not necessarily your boyfriend (maybe a good friend)?

I highly recommend masterbation. It's a terrific way to get to know your own body and rhythms. Your body is your own. The church doesn't own it. Society doesn't own it. Your boyfriend doesn't own it either. Sharing it, and sharing generously, when you want with whom you want in the type of relationship you want is one of life's most beautiful and human impulses.

Remember that sex is one aspect of life, but it doesn't begin to define the total of who you are and what you are worth. Mormons receive many negative messages that equate their worth with how closely the sexual rules are followed. This is especially true for women in the church.

Have you had good education about sex? How your body works? How his body works? How to prevent pregnancy/disease? How to look after your physical safety, etc? I don't mean to ask a silly question, but I did not get any kind of education in the TBM home I grew up in. I had to buy books to educate myself.

I wish you the very best in this new adventure of yours!