Posted by:
anononymous
(
)
Date: February 14, 2017 01:16PM
Being raised in the mormon church, I remember being repeatedly taught how my virginity was the only thing that mattered about me. If I lost that, no one would ever want me. Well, I did lose my virginity, without my consent, at the age of 15. I stayed with the guy who took it for years, despite the fact he cheated on me, wouldn't acknowledge our relationship to anyone, and took me with him when stalking other girls. I stayed because I firmly believed I was used goods and I wasn't deserving of anyone's love. When I finally had the self esteem to leave him, turns out I really didn't. I couldn't open myself up to anyone. In years of dating, there was not one guy I was interested in. I ended up marrying another TBM, not because I loved him, but because he was nice and kind of nerdy and would never hurt me. Needless to say, that didn't work out so well.
Cut to the present: I'm married to the first guy who took my virginity. He's had at least 2 emotional affairs on me, which have destroyed my health. But, on the plus side, he helps out around the house, he's good to my kids, he works, and despite all the insanity, it's still better than my first marriage. Oh, and he pretty much stopped having sex with me the day we got married. He couldn't get enough when we were teens and before we married, but now, the most attention I get is a nipple twist or joke.
I don't know much about abuse patterns or what a normal relationship looks like. When I first got back together with him, I felt love. I knew I could move past our history. But, when the patterns started again, it was too late to back out.
I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't bought in to the teaching that I was equal to a piece of chewed up gum.