"'Bigot on a Bridge' Wins Poll for Funniest Religious Joke"

by Patrick Barkham
"The Guardian"
25 September 2005
https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2005/sep/26/religion.world

"There was the one about Jesus asking to be put up for the night, and puns about pedophile priests, but a tale of two men on a bridge that mocks sectarianism has been found the funniest religious joke by readers of a Christian website.

"Demonstrating a fondness for black humor about their faith or lack of it, Christians, Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, atheists and agnostics sent 951 religious jokes to the website Ship of Fools (Shipoffools.com). Readers had the chance to vote for the funniest, and the most offensive, and more than 10,000 did so.

The latter category featured the most submitted joke: Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says: 'Can you put me up for the night?'

Gentler humor about the secret sexual habits of nuns and Jesus's problems with his stone-throwing mum dominated the top 10 funniest jokes.

"'We were surprised that Christians sent such offensive jokes. We didn't think they had it in them,' said the editor, Simon Jenkins. While the site steeled itself for cries of blasphemy from its mostly Christian readership, "heard it" was a more common complaint than "profanity!".

"According to Mr. Jenkins, the identity of the joker was all-important in determining the acceptability of the gags, which were debated on the site's messageboards and performed live at the Greenbelt Christian festival. No Jewish or Muslim jokes were published on the site because it was considered inappropriate for a Christian website to joke about other faiths. 'Context--who is telling the joke--is a really important factor. If someone is telling a joke about Catholics and they are a Northern Irish protestant paramilitary, that is very different from a Catholic priest telling a joke against himself.'

"Jokes about Catholics proved particularly popular, and not just satirical gags about the sexual peccadillos of some Catholic priests, which dominated the final list of the 10 most offensive jokes. 'The Roman Catholic Church has been around the longest and Catholicism has got some of the most colorful characters, such as Mother Superior and the Pope,' said Mr. Jenkins. 'A lot of stock settings for religious jokes are the convent or the confessional.'

"M.r Jenkins said the danger of the bill to outlaw religious hatred was not so much that stand-up comics would be hauled off to prison but that it risked leading to self-censorship among ordinary people. 'If the bill becomes law people will be cautious about joking about religion. It is a restriction of free speech by stealth. More than ever, religion needs to be discussed and debated and attacked and defended. It's got to be in the rough and tumble of public debate.'

"The Funniest Joke

"'I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"'Why shouldn't I?' he asked.

"'Well, there's so much to live for!'

"'Like what?'

"'Are you religious?'

"'He said: "Yes."

"'I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"'Christian.'

"'"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?'

"'Protestant.'

"'Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?'

"'Baptist.'

"'Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?'

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"'Reformed Baptist Church of God.'

"'Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?'

"'He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

"'I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.'



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/18/2017 04:45PM by steve benson.

That's not that funny. This is funny...

Jesus is teaching about the woman caught in adultery: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone..." a rock goes sailing by his head...

"Oh, Mother!"

St Peter is tending the pearly gates...

A Benedictine, who just died, comes up...

Peter: Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?
Monk: No, I'm just so glad to be here!

A Franciscan, who just died, comes up...

Peter: Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?
Monk: No, I'm just so glad to be here!

A Jesuit, comes up...

Peter: Welcome to Heaven, do you have any question?
Monk: Yes, where did you send your kids to school?

Jesus and Moses are standing on the shore of the Red Sea, looking out over the water.

Moses glances over at Jesus and says, "I wonder if I've still got it."

He turns back toward the sea, raises his arms above his head and loudly declares, "Sea! Part!"

The sea parts.

Moses turns to Jesus, winks and says, "Your turn."

Jesus confidently hikes up his robes a bit, steps out on to the surface of the water, walks out a few feet--and sinks.

He returns to shore, drenched and sputtering, as Moses looks on, chuckling.

Jesus glowers at Moses, turns back toward the sea, sets his jaw, steps back out on the water, walks out a few more feet--and sinks.

He storms back to shore angrily muttering, "Goddamnit! I used to be able to do this!"

Moses smiles and says, "Do you think it might be the holes in your feet?"



Edited 8 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2017 09:17AM by steve benson.

((((Sigh...)))) yes, it is funny! Thanks Steve, now I'll have to go through the communion line twice, Wanker!

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Jesus walks into a hotel lobby, puts down 3 nails on the counter at the front desk, saying, "Can you put me up for the night?"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

Bartender goes: "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

A catholic priest and protestant minister both worked in a small village in Ireland. The place was on the poor side so their church finances only allowed them to have pushbikes to get around.

One day the priest sees the minister walking so asks where his bike was. " Someone's stolen it" " Ah", said the priest " Same thing happened to me a few years back Do what I did. Next Sunday give a sermon on the ten commandments and really emphasise 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'. " Great idea" says the minister.

So, the following week the priest sees the minister cycling towards him " What did I tell you? Ten Commandments, works every time'. " Well it did and it didn't " says the minister " I was giving the sermon and when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I'd left my bike "

can we have a big shout out for

EMO PHILIPS

who is the originator of the Joke

My wife and I go to comedy shows fairly frequently. Emo is one of the funniest performers we've seen.

I think he's fantastic.

He's the only person who can *really* do justice to this joke

Never heard of him but heard the joke about the Baptist years ago - in a Baptist church.

Two Mormon missionaries walk into a London bar and order two gins and tonic.

Barman says, 'Twenty-eight pounds fifty. That's funny but we don't usually get many Mormons in here.

The senior missionary says, 'I'm not bloody surprised at these prices.

The Cardinal to the Pope: I have good news and bad news.

Pope: What's the good news?

Cardinal: Jesus has returned!

Pope: What's the bad news?

Cardinal: He's calling from Salt Lake City.

The Pope gathers together the college of cardinals.

Pope: I have good news and bad new. First the good. God just spoke with me on the telephone and wants to meet with us.

Cardinals: That's wonderful! What's the bad news?

Pope: She called from Tel Aviv.

A bit of graffiti...

God is dead...

Nietzsche

Nietzsche is dead.

God

A father, a son, and their minister are out in a boat fishing.
The father says oh I forgot the wife packed us some sandwiches, there in the truck. The son says I’ll get them. So the boy jumps out of the boat, runs across the water to the shore. The minister is surprised, seeing the boy going across the water without sinking. Soon the boy comes back to the shore and yells over to his father, hey dad, mom packed us a big lunch, we better eat it over here. Dad looks over at the minister and says, boy if my wife packed us a lunch it is going to be a good one. He then climbs over the boat and runs across the water to the shore. The minister is again surprised to see that the father also was able to cross the water without sinking. The minister not wanting to be left out, hesitates jumps out of the boat and promptly sinks into the water. The son and father both look at each other and both say, I thought you told him about the plank.

Satan contacts Jesus to complain, "There's been a mixup. The Pope has been sent to Hell and is ruining our party."

Jesus replies, "Yeah. And for some God-forsaken reason, I've got Donald Trump here in Heaven. Talk about a bummer."

Satan responds, "I propose a swap."

Jesus answers, "Deal!"

As the Pope and Trump pass each other in mid-air, Trump says to the Pope, "What a pleasure to finally be able to meet you!"

The Pope smiles and says, "Yes, and I have been looking forward to finally meeting the Virgin Mary."

Trump says, "I'm sorry. You're a day late."



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/19/2017 06:50PM by steve benson.

When Bill Clinton died, Satan was showing him around Hell to figure out how he wanted to be punished.

Satan showed him room after room. In some, people in chains were being whipped. In others, people were pushing rocks up mountains, only to have them tumble back down to start over. Some were stuck in their old jobs. Etc.

It seemed there was no end to the various forms of torment, but finally Bill saw one he thought he could handle: Hillary was performing felatio on Vince Foster. Bill thought, "wow, that's not punishment at all...I can handle that!"

"Ok, this is the one I want," he confidently told Satan.

Satan was tired of showing Bill around, and was glad he'd finally made his decision. As he ushered Bill into the room he shouted, "Ok, Hillary. You can go now."

A Catholic Mother superior sent her best devout nun to the liquor store for some alcohol to help relieve the ailing mother superiors constipation.

As the nun tried to purchase the alcohol the clerk was unsure he should sell it to her. The devout nun told him it was for medicinal purposes... mother superiors constipation. The clerk relented and sold the liquor and the nun left.

As the clerk locked up the store he saw the nun laying in the gutter totally drunk. He knelt down beside her and said ..sister did you lie to me about the purpose of the liquor?... She replied ' Hell no when mother superior sees me she will shit"

Here in Salt Lake the Catholics and Mormons were arguing over who had the dumbest adherents.

They decided to have a football game, the loosing team whould have the dumbest.

I forget the name of the park, but it is the one down by the railroad tracks.

There was no score in the first quarter, same for the second and third.

Halfway though the 4th, a train when by blowing its whistle. The Catholics though the game was over and when home.

3 plays later, the Mormons scored a touchdown.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GS3BZs5fx3Q

Other choices:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYXenjpefNU

The Jews don't recognize Jesus
The Protestants don't recognize the Pope
The Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store

Jesus on the Cross: Peter, come here!
Peter tries to approach but is beaten back by the Roman Guards.

Again Jesus call out- Peter, come here!
Peter tries to come to the Lord but is again beaten back.

A third time Jesus calls out to Peter, and this time more determined than ever, Peter finally makes it to the cross and looks up: Yes my Lord?

Peter, I can see your house from up here!

St. Peter is showing a newcomer around heaven. As they approach a very large and elaborate door, St. Peter whispers to the newcomer, "We'll have to take off our shoes and whisper as we pass this door." "Why? asks the newcomer. "This is the Baptist section," explained St. Peter. "They think they're the only ones here and we like to humor them."

*********

I heard this as Baptist when I was a kid, but you could certainly tell it about Mormons, couldn't you? Or JWs, or--well, it used to be you could tell it about Catholics, but not any more. Actually, I'm not sure who else you can tell it about. Who else believes that unless you do it THEIR way, you are outta luck? Pentecostal Christians? Amish? I am not sure any more...but it's still one of my faves. LOL! :)

Why do you always invite two mormons to go fishing with you?



*************

If you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.