any advise on how to raise a child with a TBM husband and very intrusive TBM MIL who knows no boundaries when it comes to LDS teachings. Any advise/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I would say sit down with your husband and talk seriously. You need to be on the same page when it comes to two things if this is ever going to have a chance.
1. MIL is not part of your marriage and has no say in any decision regarding your child. This goes for all marriages, not just those infested with Mormonism.
2. You and your husband both have equal say in what your child is taught and how the child is raised. Mormonism trumps nothing. Too often I see people here deferring to the Mormons in the name of keeping peace. Your child must know what each of you think about the important parts of life. The child should get to see both sides of the coin with no pressure to choose either. Your child must understand critical thinking and be able to choose for herself one day. The compromise is that neither of you indoctrinates her, but each does supply her with information in a way that is respectful to the other partner.
Your husband will have to be prepared to always put you and child before Mother. Anyway that's what I think. I think your shoes will be hard to walk in sometimes, so good luck.
Many here have been in your position and I'm sure they have better advice but there's mine.
It's between you and your husband. Talk to him. Are you inactive LDS or no-mo? If you're a no-mo, your husband must have understood that religion would not be a factor that would determine your happiness in your marriage or the family (unless you guys never talked about it before). If this is the case, tell that to your MIL firmly and politely.
Your child - lay down the law.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/09/2017 04:58PM by canary21.
You and your husband will need to do some compromising.You both need to decide what issues you are willing to bend on, but both of you should have a say in how you raise the child. Your extended families need to stay out of child rearing decisions and you both need to be firm on that.
This is not your problem. If your MIL has intruded into your marriage, it is because your husband has not protected his primary relationship (you) from her. You don't have a MIL problem; you have a husband problem.
It is not your job to control his family's intrusions into your marriage; it is his job. It is your job to control your family's intrusions into your marriage.
Your will for your child comes before her will, no questions, comments or debate. If he doesn't understand that, he needs therapy. He wasn't emotionally prepared for either a wife or child, but most people can be taught how to healthily align their misplaced priorities - and loyalties. She did not bear his child - you did.
IMHO, it may be damaging for a spouse to be the "tutor" for this growth. It is healthy to make your needs and wants known to him, but "teaching" can come off as condescending, and no man wants his wife to point out that he's "tripping on his own weenie," so to speak. I apologize for use of the phrase. You can set good examples by setting fair limits and boundaries with your family and friends.
If he doesn't agree to moniter and control her intrusions, to set you before her, therapy. His loyalties are way out of whack.
I think a big problem in TBM families, of any variety is the notion of 'Families can be Forever' and CK.
Instead of 'Leave and Cleave' which is preached by many, many Christian pulpits.
It's nearly impossible to assert boundaries, limits and reasonable lines when the mantra in the religion is so messed up and lends itself to manipulation, intrusion, out of bounds behaviors, guilt trips, etc.
This is a major difference between marrying into a fundamentalism of other sorts and Mormonism.
If you assert your reasonable boundaries, you will likely be the 'anti-family' 'anti-MIL', 'disrespectful wife', all that jazz.
Maybe have 'Leave and Cleave' embroidered on a pillow for MIL to use when she sits on the couch? Or, 'For this cause, a man shall leave his father and mother...' (genesis 2:24, other references in NT)?