Hi all!
I have been slowly distancing myself from the church over the past 3 years. I have seen enough information to convince me its a sham, a modern day cult. Book of Abraham and the multiple first vision accounts were the foundation for my departure. Then, as i researched more and more and found the Letter to a CES director, the whole house of cards came crashing down.

Here is my issue. I was born, raised and still live in Utah, so mormonism is a very common thread between friends and family. I have not told my parents, or my siblings and i worry about the fallout. At the same time, I am in my mid 40's so I am at a point in my life where i don't want to have to be sneaky about anything. I think they assume i am an active and attending member.

I am trying to figure out a way to approach this delicate matter. Do i just come out and tell them all my issues with the church? Or do i just play it cool and say i am inactive? Part of me wants to share everything i have learned so my family does not keep worshiping LDS inc. and paying into the system. Your recommendations would be appreciated.

You're not inactive, you're re-calibrating.

Think of TSCC as a parasite such as a blow fly larvae or tick or that Amazon fish that follows a urine stream exactly where you don't want it. It's going to be slow and likely painful to extract. This parasite will put up a fight, so you have to tease it out.

Be prepared for failure, as this critter burrows deep. But I think it can be done slowly and carefully.

How far 'out' are you? Are you contemplating resigning or remaining on their roles and just continuing to be 'inactive'? Either way, you are not under any obligation to tell your family anything. What would you gain personally by 'coming out'?

I most likely would not say anything until/unless they ask. Then I'd take it as far as the one doing the asking wants to go. If their is no asking, you may just want to leave it be.

I would definitely not discuss your issues with them. I favor saying nothing unless asked directly. Even then, I would go with "inactive." OTOH, I would not go out of my way to hide a non-Mormon lifestyle on social media (i.e. garment-free clothing, a photo including a glass of wine or a beer, being out and about on Sundays, a review of an R-rated movie, etc.) Let people draw their own conclusions.

If you and your family are all in Utah, it is likely that your family will find out one way or another, if they have not done so already.

It may be that they know but are not confronting you.

If they find out, they may choose to confront you at a time and place of your choosing, catching you off balance.

If you tell them, you can do it at a time and place of your choosing. You control how the info gets out.

To respond, my parents and siblings are all out of state. I am the only one in Utah. We are close and have family get together regularly throughout the year.

Inside, i do feel like they will be shocked and upset at first, but still supportive. But, you really never know. I am sure i would get a lot of flack over it. Also, i want to bail them out of the cult so they are no longer slaves in the organization. But i know it wont go over well for me to let them know about the things that pushed me out.

If you let them all know in a single blow, most likely you will generate some backlash and some may unite against you. It depends on how TBM some of your family members are.

If you are as close you think you all are and put'family' before 'religion' they may at give you space, time to explain your findings conclusions. Chances are many of them are already aware of some of the problems of Mormonism and are 'doubting' some of it already.

Try asking them questions and letting them respond in a discussion if you can. When they offer statements in defense of the cult, you can maybe say in a calm manner, "I don't see it that way" or "I use to think the same way about that but I now have come to other conclusions/understandings.

You do not have to explain further if you feel it will or is starting to heat up and too emotional for them or you. Just let it drop for the time being until there is more asking from them.

Some people are happy where they are and too threatened when their beliefs are being challenged. They need time to process information. Dumping the whole load on them all at once usually is more than they have the ability to evaluate and consider.

It is obvious you realize you could be setting off some mind explosions and need to go easy or you wouldn't be asking for suggestions. Follow your gut instincts, don't take anything they may come back at you with personal, even if they intend it be. Their responses are (will be) more about them than you. JMHO

It really is none of their business. I felt the need to confess to my parents but now I look back and wonder why.I now am heathen apostate scarlet woman complete with prom shoulders and love my life. My lifestyle has zero to do with my extended family even though they believe its their job to save me...tell them, hold your head high.don't tell them but don't hide your new lifestyle

You don't owe anyone an explanation about anything in your life. Being a blood relative should not guarantee access to your personal information.

Many Mormons do not have boundaries and when it comes to family, that goes double. The best way to combat that is to play the mystery card.

If you get blind-sided with an inappropriate question, know in advance what you will say and that should be very little. "I'm just sorting out for myself how I feel and am not ready to talk about it," is a good way to say, "None of your beeswax."

I was blindsided before I was ready, and I spilled my guts in a sobbing mess to my high-up-in-the-church father. I was in my early twenties and not prepared. Still, it worked out great in the end and I'm glad he got to see the trauma it all brought to me.

We give the Mormons a false power when we believe we owe them an explanation. It's best to consider Mormons to be in the "Mrs. Kravitz" category.

P.S. When you do finally tell them and you will---keep it casual and don't give the subject importance. "Oh, I just don't really believe it anymore." Any one of them who is ready to find out the truth will ask you questions and you can then point to where to find the dirt. If you attempt to tell them before they are ready you will be seen as being an advocate for the Adversary who has been tricked into joining his army, haha.

Because I had been on the mission and to BYU--the whole enchilada-- my father said to me that "Satan is so clever that he can fool even the very elite," to which the only reply I could think of was "Thank you" but I didn't say that. I just sort of looked blank.

Done & Done Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "Satan
> is so clever that he can fool even the very elite."

Well then I guess I can't trust you anymore can I

Haha.

I think you need to act ambivalent or nonchalant, like you've just shrugged it off. It's just not something you do anymore.

When they ask you about callings, just say, "I don't have any."

When they ask about your ward, say, "I haven't attended lately."

If they ask why, say, "I'm taking a break."

There's no need to make a massive deal of it. People in the real world change churches or stop attending without stirring up drama.

I highly recommend this approach. Very short answers. Avoid any debates.

Here's my take:

Mormonism encourages and promotes lying to keep up appearances.
Leaving it is a chance to ditch that dishonest practice, and live an honest, authentic life.
It's a chance to not let the peer pressure or uninformed, indoctrinated opinions of members determine how you live your life or your level of honesty.

So be honest. Tell your family about your "status."
There may well be some "fallout."
But it will be "fallout" from being honest and authentic -- rather than living a lie. This is a good thing. If people would rather you live a lie than be honest, then you probably don't want to be around those people anyway. They're toxic.

Good luck.

Some good advice here.

I think it's best to reveal yourself gradually. In conversations, be more open about opinions that aren't typical for TBMs. If asked directly, say you have doubts or concerns, or don't believe. But try not to be dogmatic: don't say you found out the church is a bunch of lies.

And, avoid arguments about doctrine, science, or history. Stick to generalities:

Say "I don't believe in the Book of Mormon".
Don't say "DNA proves the native americans aren't descended from the jews."


Also, set firm boundaries:
Don't let them try to character assassinate you. Instead, point out what they are doing, and that it's an abusive tactic, encouraged by the church, and it ultimately results in destroyed relationships. And that you value your relationship and you won't let the church come between you.

The practice of questioning the character and righteousness of those who doubt is designed to break down those who question, and if the person is too strong to be broken, they usually separate themselves from the people who abused them. Tell them not to play into that typical script to it being their duty to save you.


Instead, encourage them to see you for who you are, and to put down the burden of trying to 'save you'. Let them know that you are your own person, responsible for your own beliefs. They have taught you thoroughly, but now you have your own thoughts and they have no control. So they might as well but down any imagined responsibility because they have no power.

I'd combine Hie's honesty with imaworkingonit's boundaries. I, too, live in Utah. Unless you're married and have kids, extended family living in another state really have little influence over your life.

Extended family and the church only have power over you if you give it to them--don't give it to them.

Very best wishes, The Boner.

I have been a nonbeliever for just over 3 years, after being all-in for over 30. Unlike you, none of my close family members are in the church. However, I live in Utah and have lots of extended family in the church.

Originally, my wife and I thought about moving out of the ward and then fading away from activity after the records were transferred. But we didn't move. And I was serving as high priests instructor and ward missionary. Since I would need to be released - and would be asked for my reasons - I decided to write a letter to the bishop resigning from the church and explain my reasons there. I also explained to most of my family since my new course in life was radically different from what they were used to. Extended family members must have noticed we were out of the church from my wife's Facebook pictures, but they don't say anything.

In my experience, when you resign or take a principled stand that the church is not true, you become an apostate in the minds of believers. If you say you are inactive, that you have some issues, that there are things about the church you question, etc., you are still on safe ground. Still part of the club. They may think you are misguided, but most of them have had doubts and/or been inactive at times. I think if I had believing family members, I would take the route of becoming "less active" and not giving definite opinions about the church unless I perceived someone really wanted to know.

That said, I understand there are times when you want to leave no doubt about where you stand - Joseph Smith's underage and polyandrous wives or the November policy for instance. Coming right out and saying you reject the church for this or that reason has the advantage of bringing everything to a head very quickly and separating those family members and friends who genuinely like you for who you are from those who just appreciate your Mormonness.

Best of luck to you in whatever path you choose.

A lot of this depends on how you want to deal with things. For example, do you want to just be left alone? Do you want to lead your family members out? Etc.

But, as suggested above, you set the boundaries and be true to yourself. Don't let others judge you or give you grief.

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On a different note, I got excited by your ID and was gonna ask about living in Alaska, but then I read that you've always lived in Utah. :(

nomonomo Wrote:
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>
> -----
>
> On a different note, I got excited by your ID and
> was gonna ask about living in Alaska, but then I
> read that you've always lived in Utah. :(

I spent 3 years working summers in Southeast Alaska. Love that place!! love it!! its so beautiful and the wildlife, fishing and scenery are out of this world. Still love going back to fish salmon and halibut.

Thanks everyone who commented. Some sage advice has been given and i do appreciate it. I think i am going to lay low and just keep to myself. Little by little, if questions are asked, i will answer them and let them find out by my answers. You guys are an amazing support source!!!

I totally agree with your approach. This strategy worked very well for me in the past. Remember to always take the high road. It's them that are brainwashed in a cult. You are the one that's free.

Whenever possible, I am in the camp of: You are on a need to know basis, and you're not on the list!
Changing your mind about your religious choices is a private matter and nobody else's business -- however, it does require some explanation when ensconced, like many are in TBM temple marriages, Mormon extended family, etc. There are exceptions to my prefered position, of course.

My preferred position is to keep private things private. Mormonism has an uncanny ability to pry into your life about things that are none of their business, but it's accepted as part of the culture. It's inappropriate and rude to inquire about someone's religious leanings.

You asked for advice. My view, at this point would be to quietly keep backing out, keep your opinions to yourself, change the subject when asked inappropriate questions that are nobody else's business.

This is about protecting your privacy. It's not sneaky, it's self preservation.

You can always take a very limited approach when asked point blank: "I didn't see you at church", is often asked. My reply was: "That's right. I have not been there."
When someone asked if I "had been offended" my reply was: "If everyone that had ever been offended at church there would be no one there." (That usually got a laugh!)
Then I change the subject. The best tactic seemed to be to ask something about them. People like to talk about their lives. So I listen, sincerely, and smile and wish them well when I need to leave.

For me, the best approach (after making some big messes!) was about being kind, sincere, and respectful. My serious concerns about their religion is not a relationship builder!

On the other hand, if you don't care what anyone thinks, you can go the other route and say something like ; "That religion is a hoax, scam, cult! Have a nice day" smile, and walk away. ;-)

It's all up to you! I say: use your gut, your intuition to give you a sense of what to say to whom and when.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2017 02:02PM by SusieQ#1.

I think you must be who you are, for sure. As a mother, I think that I have a whopping lot of myself invested in my kids. I dearly love them, and hope they are well and happy.

Have I been over-controlling at times? sadly, Yes.

Have I neglected or made bad decisions re their welfare at times? sadly, yes.

I hope I am willing to let them make their decisions and be glad to support them whether I agree with their decisions or not now that they are adults. I still love them, and as much as they feel safe to do so, I hope they will share their lives with me.

And I hope I am growing more and more into a person who can enjoy them without judging or making their lives harder.