I will admit it up front... I feel I have made a huge mistake.

My wife and I left the church 13 years ago when our oldest two children were 5 and 2 (we have had 2 more since), so they do not recall much if any of it.

After leaving my wife and I decided that we would leave religion out of our home, teach and live a good life with our children.

I have never brought up my feelings/thoughts on the church with my kids - feeling that if I was negative (which I very much am) it would push our kids in the wrong direction.

Unfortunately we live in a small town in Utah that has a very high percentage of mormons. Most, if not all, of my kids friends are mormon. For the most part their friends are good kids that leave religion out of the friendship, however there are those few that feel the need to constantly share their beliefs and invite our kids to church activities.

My oldest (son, 17) is currently dating an member girl who is, in my opinion, trying her best to convert him. I happened to see some text messages between the two of them once that almost made me puke. She basically told him that his parents (my wife and I) are not the best sources of information about the church. Sadly my son is so smitten by this girl he isn't seeing past the end of his.... well, nose.

My second oldest (daughter, 14) has a best friend who is very ingrained. My daughter has stopped wearing sleeveless shirts (not just tank tops, but sleeveless shirts also) and shorts above the knee because (her words) "it makes me feel like I am wearing my underwear in public".

Last weekend while the family was together I brought up some things about the church in casual conversation. I tried not to sound negative, but rather a "did you know" type statement. Didn't go over too well. My son left the room and my daughter's attitude changed to grumpy, picked up her tablet and started playing a game.

As I said -- I feel I have messed up -- I thought leaving well enough alone and living a good life (treating others with respect, being honest, working hard, taking care of my family, etc.) was enough to lead my kids down the right path -- but now I'm faced with the potential of having the oldest two become members.

I really wish I could just pick up and move out of here, but I have really good job that would be hard to replace elsewhere. My parents are also in their 80's and require more and more help/assistance as years move on and I feel it is important to be here for them.

Anyone have any good ideas/suggestions on
1) How to deal with my oldest two
2) How should I approach this with my younger two who are 9 & 12?

Thanks!

Do not delay in explaining why Mormonism is bunk to the younger two. That seems obvious.

Your real concern is how do you get your older 2 to think beyond their hormones and their natural teenage desire to fit in with their peers?

Perhaps discuss with your wife over dinner the issues you have with Mormonism. Don't direct any things to the older 2, but just reminisce with your wife about why you left. Just let them hear it, but don't pressure them to agree, or to comment.

Maybe talk about Joe marrying 14 year old girls when he was 37. That often gets the attention of 14 year old girls.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/31/2017 01:58PM by Darren Steers.

At this point you may be doing damage control to avert more problems as they arise.

When we left church activity in upstate New York, the Young Women's leaders in my ward got their talons in my daughter and wouldn't let go without leaving scars and wounds from their efforts to divide my family. I was the evil one, misguided one, deluged one, for leading my children out from the cult.

They really did try to alienate my daughter's affections from me, and I must say they succeeded to some degree. She's no longer LDS, but that's beside the point now. The damage has been done. Had I known then what I know now, would have left before we did - or rather not have gone back when we did.

If you can't move, what other options do you have? You don't want to alienate your children. Nor do you want to keep them from social activities with their peers. You still have some say where they spend their time however. Like you wouldn't let your children get involved with drugs or alcohol. Be firm about the cult and its adverse affects on their young, impressionable minds.

Are there youth groups besides LDS where you live your children would like to be involved with? Are you able to put them in a private school, away from predominantly LDS youth?

Mainly my recommendation is to be there for your children. Love them, encourage them. Be their positive role model you want them to look up to. And cherish them each and every day. The time goes by so quickly. They'll be grown up before you know it.

I prayed with mine. We worshiped together, including after leaving Mormon activities. I always felt it was important for us to worship somewhere. So we attended other denominations. Some we stayed with for extended periods of time. It was an education in itself. The more we learned about other religions, the more it reinforced our decision not to go back to the dogma of LDS indoctrination.

I didn't stop believing in God when we left Mormonism. I came to recognize my greater dependence on him than before, when I placed false security in a pseudo religion. Prayer is very important to me now as much as it ever was, maybe more. My children are grown and far from home. More reason for me to pray for them, without ceasing. It's my way of turning things over to my Creator, because by myself I'm powerless to effect change.

Note: when my children were in high school, they were ready for the literature available at the time on Mormonism's history.

One of my children picked the topic of the Mountain Meadows Massacre for a high school report. Without any prompting by me whatsoever. I hadn't heard of the MMM before that to any degree. It was because of that paper, I became educated on the MMM. I learned along with my children.

Another book I kept in the house was "Mormon America," co-written by Times journalists husband/wife. My children read that as a reference book during high school. We learned our way out together.

What I learned on my own I shared readily with them. They were old enough by then, so it was most age appropriate.

Logic-driven arguments are likely to fall flat with teens. What teenager doesn't know it all? They won't be getting baptized until they're 18 in any case.

17 y/o - Warn him point blank: "Just so you know, Tifanee is only trying to get you into the church, and will dump you just as soon as you join." Point out that she has been instructed to select for returned missionaries. If he claims to want to serve a mission (to keep her), inform him that you will *not* support it or pay for it; it will take away 2 years of his life, and set him back in his college education; and let him in on the reality of Dear John letters. Then if he's still determined to get baptized, he can learn the hard way that you were right all along.

14 y/o - I assume she's not attending the weekly brainwashing sessions (oops I mean the YW classes) or seminary. [At least she's not doing this for a boy.] If it's only wardrobe selection, I'd advise not to make a big deal out of it. But if she wants to start attending church, that's different. Pick your battles wisely so you don't lose the war.

Time to show them the temple video.

That's really tough, so sorry you have to deal with this now.

A lot of teenagers just want to fit in and unfortunately fitting in where you live means being Mormon as they are in the majority.

I wanted to fit in during high school, but I was actually in the reverse situation, a minority LDS in a majority non-LDS environment. I WAS that girl trying to convert my boyfriend and I actually succeeded! Though it was the WORST thing for me as it made my parents and everyone I knew extra blind to the fact that he was abusing me. And it was only a few years before he left it.

The abusive behavior aside.. I can say that what turned him off to the cult was when he was a few months into his mission (he signed up for that with sponsorship aid from church members, since he really wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry in the temple and wanted an RM, etc.. typical stuff). Anyway he saw early on that the mission was all about the numbers and that turned him off to it. And then I broke up with him while he was safely away on the mission (this because of the abuse though, no other reason. I had been afraid to break up with him in person though I had needed to and wanted to for a long time).

Anyway I digress. Wanted to say that sometimes even though teens want to fit in, if they feel strongly about something else that makes them different (for me I had really good indoctrination going on with the Mormon thing, so if anything I got more defensive of it when it got attacked from the outside), they may end up being okay with being different.

Education is best, in the kindest, least pushy way you can do it. The other thing that motivated me when I was young (still does, but esp. then) was my sense of justice. So if something seemed unjust I really want to fight it and speak my mind about it. If I had actually really KNOWN about the injustices in the LDS cult I probably would have fought to leave it rather than the reverse.

So instead of rules about what they can and cannot do, who they can and cannot meet with, really let them know what the LDS org is all about. Give them facts about it's history, the long list of injustices by it's 'prophets' and other leaders. How members are really treated, shunned by family members, etc.

The trick is making them more aware of the injustices without being really pushy or demanding about it. If you can just preface with how much you really care for them and that you just want to present the facts as you know them in order to spare them grief (but the decision they make are still their own, you just want them to have what LDS kids don't have, which is INFORMED decision making).

I really HATED it (still do) when authority figures just wanted me to do as they said without any explain of why. I resented when adults wouldn't give me credit for having intelligence and would talk down to me. Of course at different stages of life we have different levels of understanding about things but we can still always be treated with respect and talked to as an equal.

so give them respect, show them your love, present them with the facts as you know them. Maybe tell them your personal stories of how you were affected and why you left. I think it's helpful esp. to divulge something personal that maybe you haven't shared with them before about your own experience. Open up to them, show them that you trust them with that information, that may make it feel more comfortable to open up to you as well.

The worst is to try and control things in any overt way. Show them you care, be open and honest with them. So them that you respect them and you see them as capable of making good choices once they have all the facts.

Good luck!

I would be upfront with your two youngest children.

I feel sorry for your two oldest because they don't know what they'll lose themselves to by entering the cult. I honestly don't know what kind of advice to give you with your two eldest.

I would think your daughter, especially, would be uncomfortable with the core teachings of the LDS Church. They are pretty off-putting in my opinion, relegating women to being straight-up breeders and not much else.

When I was up against the LDS Church trying to get their clutches on my daughter, I explained to her, using age-appropriate terminology, how Joseph Smith made his first wife "very sad" when he insisted on marrying other women, including other men's wives. And that I didn't think a man of God would treat people this way.

I also explained that if she were to be part of that church, she would never get to participate in the passing the sacrament, etc -- those are jobs for boys only in the LDS Church.

You could tell your children that they won't be able to be baptized until they're 18 years old. That also gives them an "out" with the friends that are pressuring them to convert. They can continue to socialize with their friends, but the pressure to convert is gone because their parents won't consent.

Thank you all for your feedback. I really do appreciate it.