I am in my early 70's, married (happily) for going on 30 years to a wonderful man a few years younger.

Granted, I have my physical frailties, and I may not always remember what I had for breakfast, but for the most part, I am intact and capable of at least light household chores.

When I propose to do them, or actually start (say, gathering and sorting things to put in the washing machine) he will physically intervene, unasked, muscle me out of the way as if I were a meddlesome toddler,(sometimes acting VERY put-upon) and say, "How about you sit down and keep me company while I do this?"

He gets very annoyed, as if I had demanded that he put aside his own agenda for the day, so that he can rescue me. I DIDN'T ASK!!!

He treats me like a toddler who has decided to bake a cake for Mommy and Daddy and has, of course, created a grand mess in the kitchen. The toddler must be removed from underfoot and the mess cleaned up. Burden, burden.

But hey, guys - that's not how it really is! I DO know what I'm doing, I'm capable of doing it if allowed to move at my own pace, and if left undisturbed, will complete the job.

If I am going to accomplish anything of significance, I have to wait until he has a chore or a job to do that will keep him away from the house for at least a few hours.

Granted - I may overdo it, and have to take it easy for a few hours later, but that's not a big deal. And he is always pleased with my efforts.

I know he is trying to protect me from myself. I admit that I sometimes get carried away in the need to get small chores done around the house. And then this or that body part may ache in retaliation for a while. But that's the way it IS. I would rather WEAR out than RUST out.

I am VERY tired of being hustled out of the way as if I were a meddlesome child. It hurts. I have protested, repeatedly, that I am capable of doing this or that if simply left alone - but he gets angry and insists on taking over.

Any suggestions on how to get him to back off?

Print what you just wrote out and hand it to him to read.

I get where you are coming from. After I broke my leg and ankle about five years ago, it would take me hours to accomplish just about anything -- bathing myself, dressing, fixing a meal. But I always felt a great sense of accomplishment with whatever I could do. And I was weirdly content at the time.

summer Wrote:
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> Print what you just wrote out and hand it to him
> to read.

I think summer's idea is a perfect way to handle this crazy-making situation.

He undoubtedly believes he is helping you, but he needs to see this from your perspective. You have not lost your adult right to take care of your own needs (which also includes the needs of your household), and if this means that the ordinary process is slowed down somewhat, this is a natural part of life.

There is a point where him "helping you" crosses over the line into taking away your adult rights, and he needs to understand this and back off.

DW does the same to me. When I object to her interference she says I am ungrateful and sometimes calls me names. I do NOT give in. If she wants to be pissed, it is on her, not me. I just tune her out, turn it off, and go about doing whatever it is that I feel inclined to do. At first, things escalated but by being constant and persistent, her rages have become less dramatic and only last an hour or less.

I HAVE to feel capable and being independent is part of that. It still bugs me when after I do something like wiping down the counters, she comes behind me and does it again but I have learned (am learning) to just smile and let her do her thing. I think it is a control issue and I refuse to be controlled. Call me an A$$ - she does. LOL

She calls you an @$$????

And do you reply anything? Or are you too polite?

You DO have the right to not be disrespected in your own home!

That's exactly how my daughter treats me. I am 64 and have a cage and screws in my back, among other things, nerve damage, etc. And, about the past year she has treated me like a toddler who is always in the way.She does not live with me, thank god. She treats me like a moron, and today, when we were out shopping, I told her no about one of her commands, then she said some things to me through clenched teeth. If she "meant well" she would have been kind and remembered I'm a grown ass woman who raised her and her brother by myself. And, I still work full time in a professional career. It's very disturbing. So, OP, I get what you are saying. I like the idea of letting your husband know you are not an invalid, you can let him know if you need help, and, most of all, you are not in the way and deserve respect like anyone else. (Fires me up to now talk to my big-headed daughter. I'd like to know who lied to her and told her she was in charge.)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/03/2017 04:08PM by Aquarius123.

does she feel she HAS to take care of you? Even if you haven't stated she needs to or that you expect her to? Does she resent it?

My daughter thinks she has to take care of me and that somehow she is smarter than I am. I'll be 60 soon. She is 31.

DH used to treat me like the OP has described.

He is the oldest of his family and his sibs were both very disfunctional. He still has to do many things for them.

I am the youngest of my sibs (by only 2 minutes) and was used to being treated like the annoying kid sister. So, I went along with this for a while. But, it had to stop. It took many years to convince him that we aren't children nor siblings. It's better now.

Birth order is funny. I've also noticed that the youngest sib seems (just my observation) to be the one who becomes parentified over Mom and Pop. Doesn't make sense, but I've seen it over and over.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/03/2017 07:45PM by kathleen.

"sibling order" angle.

My DH was the middle of three kids. He felt he had to keep everyone happy so there would be no fighting. So, maybe, by muscling in and trying to keep me from "over-doing" it, he feels he is preventing a larger difficulty - that I will actually harm myself and require more "down time" or actual medical intervention.

I'm sorry you feel invisible. It's just that the old pretenses of life take too much energy to keep up. Take it from an old pretensious bastard. I know the head space. They're pretending to understand you. Men and women aren't supposed to understand each other. It's part of the game.

You being put upon puts you in the role of the teacher. He is the student, observing his behaviors impinge upon you to unravel his preconceived notions. That's mighty loving of you. Who knows the ins and outs of love? Sometimes a guy needs a doormat, sometimes he doesn't. But if you are the lover then you lead in love. He might as well hand over his belt and suspenders too.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Is there some art skill you can do.

Sketching a leaf from a plucked stem or photo. Is something no one else can do. It's never done so no one can finish it hurry it. It is a simple sketch scratched graphite erased smudge lines layer and layer over time. The point of it is you get satisfaction from it.

It's not like pouring a candle in a sand mold - some one might quick pour all the wax, before you p l aced dried flowers or colors in them. They might ev e n drive to the dollar store or a military surplus and buy a stack of candles, thump them on the counder say here cancel your sand candle project. You don't need it I bought this isn't it great?

Find an art and mak e it. Even little parts.

Further evidence that men and women should not live together, or anyone for that matter.

My wife had shoulder surgery and overdid it and ripped out the sutures and had to have it redone. And then overdid it and is hurting again. Of course, I've bugged her to not do stuff, and have tried to help. At which point she gets mad.

So I no longer care. That is the secret to a long marriage - not giving a rip about your partner.

I like summer's suggestion. Even with the difficulties, I would just be grateful to have companionship at this point in my life.+

Note for the newbies: As you see, some of us are so over Mormonism that we lean on the community when we have no other shoulder to cry on.

cinda - I am VERY grateful for the companionship. That is the really important thing. I need to remember how devastated I would be if he were no longer in my life. Thanks for the perspective. I need to remember that.

When people do this, they may think they're doing you a favor. They aren't. What they're doing is stealing your life away from you. If they get their way, you become more and more dependent and they become more and more resentful.

I had to learn this in my early 40's when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Hubby would get mad at me for over doing it, but it was my lesson to learn, not his. I had to learn my limits, and it couldn't be done for me. I never wanted to be helpless. I've always been independent. There are a lot of situations where I have t learn new ways of doing things. Other times I have to realize that I have to give something up. It's a learning process.

I've had endless talks with hubby because he just doesn't get it. It doesn't help that he's a bit OCD. He wants things done, and done now. My body doesn't give a shit about that. Lol. My physical circumstances refuse to fold to his demands. It's taken a long time for him to understand that.

People with fibromyalgia who do what they can, do better than those who withdrawal and decrease their physical activity.

Hi, cl2! I make it plain that I am fully independent and do not need her interference. If she feels the need to take care of me, it's self imposed. I'm getting to where I don't like to be around her. She is a bossy person in every aspect and likes to be in control.

Perhaps you can find things that you like to do physically that are not chore related. He can go on with his chores and you could find something to keep you active that you could terminate at the first signs of fatigue, because whatever it is doesn't need to be finished today. Good luck.

I like this idea since limits on energy limit use of your time! How luxurious and potentiated to expand your favorite activity or creativity

As a choice. The amazing Priceless privilege to be you enjoying a favorite momenty

The truth shall set you free

But when you are close to a situation things may not be obvious.

1. Sit down for a non-threatening, intimate, vulnerable, honest communication session.

Tips from Compassionate Communication theory:

a. Describe his behavior in *non-judgmental* terms - just objective description.
b. Tell him how you feel in response to his behavior. What is your emotion? Remember this is *your* emotion - it may have nothing to do with him. Really.
c. Tell him your need(s) that is/are not satisfied by his behavior.
d. Make specific request(s) or proposals for how things could be handled to satisfy your stated need(s). Expect you might have to do something too.


2. If that does not work sign up for the marriage counselor. Take him and go together.

3. If he won't go then go by yourself.

Best of luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2017 10:17AM by Mårv Fråndsen.

I think I remember the formula: "When you tell me _____, I feel ________. I would like for you to _______, instead. How would that work for you?"

Things are going a little better. When his part-time work (we are both retired now) takes him out of the house for a while, I usually get an impressive amount of things done. However, I have to admit that I no longer feel safe driving, and leave this to him. Or sometimes, our daughter takes me where I need to go.