Posted by:
abysmal
(
)
Date: June 22, 2017 08:42AM
Accept that the mo family are not well, and lead unhealthy lifestyles. They are addicted to and consumed by a cult, and there's no healthy way or healthy reason to pander to the addiction.
We know that it's addiction; we know their drug of choice. We know it's self-destructive, and destroys relationships. Thosre relationships that they do have are functional only to the point that they are not mormon (addiction-based). It's highly likely that they numb the pain with SSRIs or SNRIs, and their judgements and choices are off kilter. Their lives are consumed by the chaos of feeding the addiction, and they likely pay attention to or tend to each other no better than they pay attention to or tend you.
You can choose to think of and treat them like a date whom you expect to be a no-show.
"We will be in UT on the Tenth, and plan to tour the nnn. Hope to see you there."
'We're taking the kids to the Grand Canyon in three months. We'll leave the X location at 8 AM on the nth to begin our tour. Hope to see you there."
"You are welcome to join us at [the nice restaurant] in our home town for a holiday meal. Our reservation is at 6 on the nth and the restaurant phone number is xxx-xxxx. Hope to see you there."
And so on. It's often referred to as a "loving detachment."
Be firm in your offers. Write it down, and don't be flexible to the point where you must change your flights, reservations or dates off of work. Your travel plan has a reasonable window of opportunity for them, ample time for them to make arrangements, and it is their choice. You've travelled to their city; if they don't choose to drive across town to meet you, it's beyond your control.
It's habit to extend yourself, to pick up the phone to reach out, to send that email. If you do reach out, do it in a manner that doesn't set yourself and your family up for being abused. It is your choice to let their choices be their own, or keep an unjustified expectation that they will change their behaviors just for you.
You're going to be in UT for other reasons or family...? Show up at the outing and enjoy yourself with your family; be pleasantly surprised if the invitees actually show up. Don't tell the kids that they are "supposed" to come; say the truth - they might show up, but that it's not likely, no matter how the invitees gushed at the opporunity.
It will feel really weird not to drive across town yourself, and it will likely hurt. That is the pain of change, the pain of letting go of control. It is missing the family you thought they were, instead of the one they actually are.
Family connections don't always go out with a bang. They can go quietly, no drama, and maybe you don't want that. Maybe you struggle to stay in touch, no matter the costs to you. You can't control what they want, nor is it your job to define what that should be.
Addicts blame, manipulate, lie to and lie about their enablers. In their minds, it is *always* the enablers' "fault," no matter what "the problem is," or what "went wrong." The addict will lay blame on the enabler, because the addiction comes first.
The only healthy move is to not enable them. If you engage them with other expectations, also accept that you are inviting the abuse that they "worship."
None of it is your fault, and it is one of the roughest emotional hurdles in recovery. It's not healthy to blame the addict, either, but as long as they don't fight to leave their chosen abyss, it must be your choice not to stare into it.
Letting go of their choices will be a huge weight of responsibility off of you, one that really never was yours to carry.
Be healthy, and I wish you well. You are recovering.