I work for a Mormon employer HQ in SLC. I exceed my performance metrics. I am a NeverMo. I work offsite. I admire much about the people, mostly Mormon, at myour employer. However, I am stressed out in a way I never have been before.

I am being called in for coaching for characteristics that are very subjective. I have crossed women in management and supervisory roles who a lot of kids. They are always stressed out. I am a woman with no kids. I feel judged by them for how I live my life, straight and single, during my free time.

I really don't want to lose my job. How should I handle this? Please advise needed. Thank you.

Anon17 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I work for a Mormon employer HQ in SLC. I exceed
> my performance metrics. I am a NeverMo. I work
> offsite. I admire much about the people, mostly
> Mormon, at my employer. However, I am stressed
> out in a way I never have been before.
>
> I am being called in for coaching for
> characteristics that are very subjective. I have
> crossed women in management and supervisory roles
> who have a lot of kids. They are always stressed out. I
> am a woman with no kids. I feel judged by them for
> how I live my life, straight and single, during my
> free time.
>
> I really don't want to lose my job. How should I
> handle this? Please advise needed. Thank you.

I corrected the typos. This was sent on my phone. Thank you. Please help.

It would help to know the "subjective characteristics " you're refering to.

By saying that you have "crossed" supervisors and managers who have different lifestyles than you, what do you mean? Have you had "run ins" with them, or just crossed paths and chatted and learned of their different family situation, and they of yours?

Also, your "coaching" is to learn to do what better?? Give anonymous opinions about others? Sounds like institutional gossip time. Are they coaching you so you can get better at anonymous opinions? Hum....

If you're not involved in the office politics of HQ on a regular basis( which I take it you're not, being offsite and all), take the coaching, keep a low profile, fly "under the radar" and keep your numbers up. Meanwhile, if you want to keep your job, which is what you originally asked help for (before you got lots of advice to start looking for a new job), don't "cross" management over lifestyle issues or you will get fired. I'm still not sure what you meant by " crossed", but keep off the subject of kids, dating, marriage, etc and accentuate your good performance.

Mormons are notoriously poor employers. Make no mistake, the other women are judging you and your lifestyle, at the same time envying you because of it. They probably imagine you having boatloads of non-marital sex, and they don't like it one bit. They're stressed out and can't abide seeing anyone who isn't equally stressed, thus the inquisition. Honestly, I can't see what's admirable about them.

All that said, what to do? Utah is an at-will state

"which means that an employee hired for an indefinite period is presumed to be an employee who can be terminated at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. In other words, and by way of example, your employer can decide to let you go, even if you are their best employee, even if they don't give you any warnings, and even if you have actually done nothing wrong."

https://laborcommission.utah.gov/FAQ/discrimination_in_employment.html

You don't say if this maltreatment is something new, or if it has been going on for awhile. Although it's illegal in Utah to fire an employee due to gender, proving it will IMO be extremely difficult if you are terminated by another woman. To be painfully blunt, you are at their mercy.

I would ask them for specific examples, to make their subjective criteria more concrete. Years ago during an annual performance review, I was accused of certain behavioral shortcomings. Knowing these were false charges, I challenged my supervisor to name even one occurrence. (After all, for it to be formally brought up, it should constitute a regular pattern or a singular memorable instance of egregiously poor conduct.) He was unable to come up with anything to support his charge. I then asked if it was unreasonable to expect him to back it up, if it was so damn important, and he acknowledged that I was right. Clearly, the company was looking for a way, however contrived, to keep me down, and I called them on it. When I saw where I stood, I left that company within the year.

I'm sorry to say that if they truly have the knives out, you may not have much recourse. Keep your resume updated and ready. Be proactive. Try to find a position where you don't report to Mormons; it will do wonders for your stress level.

In your situation I'd walk on eggshells as I quietly searched out a better situation with another firm.

OP here. Thank you so much. The subjective leadership characteristics are mostly Anonymous opinions by managers. I was asked to rate myself and about 10 other people along with my supervisor.

OP here again, Should I sit and take the coaching while being polite and looking for another job?

That is certainly an option.

You have to know yourself as an employee. I've been doing my job for more than two decades, so by now I am well aware of my strengths and weaknesses. If my boss asks, I can tell her. I'm not sure that I would have had that level of self-awareness in the beginning stages of my career.

You say that you work offsite and that you "exceed [your] performance metrics." But it appears that you are receiving coaching on leadership characteristics. Do you have people who report to you? Or, are your employers assessing you for a possible promotion?

I think the key thing is to be self-aware enough so that you know what your own issues are to the point where nothing that your boss says is a surprise to you. If there is a mismatch in perceptions, then you either need to get it figured out, or get out (if your employer is truly being unfair to you, or if the job/employer is simply not a good match for you.)

Also, sometimes employers put a damper on evaluations in order to keep raises down. If this is the case, it will be happening to many other employees as well.

We've had a number of people on this board who have had problems with Mormon bosses and employers, so you wouldn't be the first. It isn't always the case, but it does happen.

Yes, take the coaching, be polite, and while your searching for another job, do not, and I mean DO NOT tell ANYONE; not even someone you think is a friend, because so-called friends at work will be hypocrites and throw you under the bus. Because Utah is hire and fire at will, that swinging door goes both ways: as an employee, you are not obligated to give two weeks' or even one weeks' notice. But it's probably a good idea to do so since you're looking for another job and not retiring.

OP here again. I also have never written any negative feedback or said anything negative in my reviews of others. Yes I think you are correct about this being related to pay.

I lived under an oppressive performance rubric for years. Collecting artifacts (evidence of your effectiveness in different areas) was the only way to combat subjective reviews. One squishy mormon super was notorious for favoritism toward the chosen. You can play their game for a while. Some of this happens in or out of the morg.

OP here. Thank you for the advice.

I had the opposite experience. I used to be the only mormon in the workplace. I was a top performer. And yes, I was an oject of gossip and got lower pay than others. My solution. I left for another job. Almost all companies have gossip, dysfunctional people and toxic issues. Don't take it personal. What's your career and professional plan for the next 5 years? Find work that satisfies your passions and purpose. Take classes in entrepreneurship and start your own business.

For many employers, refusing to give any useful feedback for fear of upsetting someone deemed to be in control, would diminish usefulness in the organization. And that is true whatever the faith of those who work in it.

If you are saying that you feel uncomfortable because you are single and without children and you think it is because of some religious expectation, that seems unlikely. Mormons have saved their expectation of women's job primarily in the home for married women, not single ones.

If you are saying you find it uncomfortable to talk about what you do in your non-work life, that may also have nothing to do with faith. Plenty of workplaces do not appreciate their water cooler discussions to degenerate in a rehash of weekends activities.

If I were in your place, I would use the coaching opportunity to learn what the divide really is, to see if you can understand the corporate expectations and culture better. Even if you decide this workplace isn't for you, you're going to have to fit into another work culture and learning from our mistakes, owning what we can do differently is part of moving forward in our work lives.

(At your exit interview, be sure to tell them straight up how you saw what happened and listen to any feedback you get. If there is a problem, your candidness may help them avoid the problem in the future.)

My department manager recently got extremely angry at me for something that wasn't my fault. After taking a chewing out by him in front of my supervisor, I came to his office later and spoke to him in private. The first thing I did was to ask him to identify any performance flaws on my part. I went through each issue and showed how I either did not have control, or where he had declined himself to help when I approached him for help before things blew up. I got his agreement at each step with an unwavering commitment (just to myself) to escalate things through HR if he didn't agree with the truth of what happened. Then I completely re-negotiated how things would go, going forward. After I left his office, I sent my supervisor an e-mail saying that the department manager said I was not at fault, and to ask the department manager if he needs to verify that.

The point is that you have a right to know where you stand, and to stand up for yourself where there is injustice. The worse thing is to allow anything unclear to prevail, because that's where you lose all of your power. Politely and with a smile, hold them accountable. Ask if they believe you are at fault. Either they will clear you of wrong-doing, or give you something that you can fix about your performance. Ask for a complete list, telling them 'because I intend to earn a good percormance review, and I can't fix what I don't know about'. After they tell you what needs to be done differently, document what they said and tell them that it won't be a problem going forward. Ask in advance, if this list of problems gets fixed, if you will get a good performance review. How can they say "no" and still pretend to be honest people? Let them know that you expect a good performance review if these things on their list aren't a problem going forward. Then work your ass off, make sure to fix everything on their list, and document everything. Check back with them periodically. Bring up the list and ask if there are any specific things on the list that you're not fixing in their minds. After a while, they'll realize that they can't pull their crap on you without your noticing and reacting in ways that make them realize they're being unfair. If they are vegue about your faults, tell them that you need clarification, and be prepared to ask if you've really done those things. If you cower and allow it, they will bully you.

Great work advice, here!

When I was ill, and undergoing out-patient treatments, I took a leave of absence from my career, and I worked at a part-time temporary job, in the Utah state government. It was an office full of Mormons. You have my sympathy! It was a miserable workplace, with gossiping, bullying and favoritism. The supervisor was given an undeserved promotion, because she was sleeping with the boss, and she was dishonest, and put the blame on everyone else. Workers would suddenly vanish from their job, with no explanation, and we would have to cover for them, and then help train the new person. In the girl's bathroom, there was often someone crying in there. I came from California, and this kind of work environment was unacceptable! I needed the money for those months, so here's how I coped.

First of all, I was very professional. I was friendly and up-beat, but I did not try to make friends with the snarky gossips there. I would talk to them, if I had to, but I never gave out any information about my personal life or my family. It was as though I was "protecting" my real life from being sullied by negativity.

Looking for a better job will keep up your morale. I was lucky that my bad job was only for a few months. Promise yourself that you won't allow yourself to be unhappy.

What's good about your job? Pay more attention to the positives. Money is a huge positive. You said that you work off site. I assume that you aren't around these people, a whole lot. I enjoyed the outside clients and students that I was working with, and considered the office staff to be just "background noise."

Your life is more than just your job. Give yourself different opportunities for friendship, outside of work. Concentrate more on your home life. Get a pet. Every afternoon, I would look forward to taking a scenic walk with my dog. Make an excuse to eat lunch at your desk, in your car, at a park, and not with co-workers who depress and intimidate you.

Sadly, you are probably not imagining the judgments of other workers. Mormons can be jealous and hateful. They tend to marginalize single working women, and divorced women, like I was. These people are most likely more unhappy than they could ever cause you to be, if that's any consolation.

Set boundaries of privacy. Keep people in their place. Be kind and polite in your manners. Surround yourself with positive thoughts. It's OK to feel like you're not included--no one feels included--no one feels safe--in a toxic workplace. But, you can be your own advocate!

"It was an office full of Mormons. You have my sympathy! It was a miserable workplace, with gossiping, bullying and favoritism."

OP here, To the PP, you described the atmosphere exactly.

My coaching call is scheduled for tomorrow. I will post an update. Posting here has made me feel so much better.

Is it possible that you are not 100% perfect and have some improvement you could work on in some areas?

All employers everywhere evaluate employee performance. I've never seen anyone ever get a perfect rating as in, needs no improvement whatsoever. Everybody probably should work on something.

Rather than blame your work performance on the judgment of mormons or go looking for a job, why don't you listen to the feedback carefully and see if perhaps there's some room for improvement?

What I would recommend is asking for concrete action steps to take toward that improvement. If your supervisor doesn't actually offer, "do A B, then C" to get to the achievement level she's looking for, then ask her to help you plan out your approach to improving in those areas. "What can I do to make XYZ better?"

ETA: If you have documented discriminatory behavior regarding you being single/no kids that should be addressed, i.e., openly criticizing your personal life, being expected to cover for marrieds/with kids during holidays, being passed up for promotion for marrieds/with kids -- things directly related to the job and clearly documented as being caused by your singlehood, then you have a lovely discrimination case. Go directly to HR and be sure to use the words "hostile work environment." HR is not there to protect you; HR is there to protect the company from lawsuit. But be sure you can document, document, document, or else you just come off as whining.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/02/2017 02:21PM by dogzilla.