Hello RfM, havent posted in quite some time, not since I learned of my younger brothers calling to serve a mission. Its been 5 months now since he left, we used to talk often (3 - 4 times a week) dispite living half a country away.

Ever since his depature to the MTC in New Zealand in May, Ive felt a hole in my gut that my wife has started to notice. I miss my brother... I have been writing emails to him as often as I can, but lately ive started to feel an irrational anger, not toward him exactly, but at the situation. His response emails are full of (what seems like) forced proclamations "I urge you to pray" "I believe the church is true" yadda yadda yadda etc.

Is this pretty standard?? It feels like my brother is writing it but whenever it gets to the preachy shit, they feel like theyve been put there by someone else, they dont feel genuine but more like a recited que-card from a sales person with his supervisor watching what hes writing from over his shoulder.

I havent written in over a week now :( and I want to because I love him very much but I dont like reading his regergitated propaganda

Any advice??

se7enthdagger Wrote:
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> Any advice??

I say keep writing him. As a missionary life can be lonely and taking comfort in "the work" a way to ignore the loneliness.

Ever see that commercial where the old ugly ornery guy turns back into Marcia Brady once he has the Snickers? "You're not yourself when you're hungry Marcia."

Your brother is not himself right now.

Some missionaries feel that because they are missionaries that they are automatically the saviors of the world. A pious superiority sets in. They disregard the intellect of anyone who hasn't bought into Mormonism and feel the need to guide them back to the church as they consider themselves exceptionally wise now. Really. I know. I was there. I saw it all. I had no idea that most of the people I was trying to show the way were actually way ahead of me.

These kids like your brother are in an unnatural environment under unnatural circumstances being coerced into unnatural behavior and they are not themselves---most of them. (I really feel sorry for ones for whom the state of being a missionary IS their natural self. Like my older brother.)

Ignore the phony baloney stuff and just write him things that would interest the real brother. Your fun letters can be his Snickers. Deep down we all yearned for real life. He may not turn back into himself for along time but it will strengthen your bond in the long run. He may be himself again some day and you may have to wait for that, but be yourself even if he isn't himself.

That's all I got.

^^^ ^^^ ^^^

this

Done & Done Wrote:
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> where the old ugly ornery guy

You mean Danny Trejo?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_Trejo

The old and ugly seemed to be the part he was playing so I described it that way but now it seems mean when I see the real him. Danny is beautiful. Anyway,the "old and ugly" is actually a better description of me!

I wrote often - funny things, gossip about family and friends, and most of all, I asked TONS of questions about the mission experience, trying to get him to communicate.

In "real life," he is a lively, funny, talkative guy. But during his mission, he became stuffy, stodgy, and overly serious. His letters sounded so unlike him that I wondered if somebody was reading them over his shoulder. It took him a LONG time (years) to recover his real self again after he came home.

I got very frustrated, trying to reach him through letters. All that would come back was phony-baloney-testimony stuff. Many years later, he told me that was all they were ALLOWED to write. Just ordinary chit-chat was very harshly discouraged. I asked, "So did they read your letters before you were allowed to send them? He said no, but they were so instilled with obedience that it never occurred to them to disobey. Sad.

Catnip has a point. We were encouraged on my mission to use our letters to friends and family as part of our mission experience. We were to think always of our mission and remember that we were set apart to do the work morning, noon, and night. I agree that it is part of the indoctrination. I felt obligated to always be upbeat in my letters home but because my father was a non-member I knew better than to talk about church and missionary work. It was a sore spot with him. I would talk about the local culture, food, activities and such but I never let down my mask of being totally excited to be doing "the work".


When I got letters from home I craved hearing normal thoughts, ideas, and especially current events. As a missionary I wasn't supposed to read newspapers or watch T.V. so we basically knew nothing about the real world. It was my mother who kept me sane with her letters. Write to your bro about what's happening in the world, your state, sports, your community and family. He's craving real world knowledge but is probably being told not to think about that stuff. He may even tell you not to write about that stuff but do it anyway. It's what he really needs and secretly wants. And if possible send care packages. They are like getting a piece of home even if it's just pancake or brownie mix, powdered juice drinks, bubble gum, jelly beans, etc. It's pure "love in a box" and God knows those boys need it.

Don't get mad at your bro's letters. He's doing what he is told to do. But you could encourage him to write his inner thoughts and feelings in his journal. Maybe then he could share with you what is really happening when he gets home. And it might also be a release for him if he gets down about the lack of investigators and the jerks he may get as companions. But many missionaries only write positive mission speak in their journals as well.

Forgive him for he knows not what he does. His brain is being controlled by drones. You are his only link to reality so keep writing even if he stops writing to you. It's just possible that if he gets too overwhelmed or depressed he will stop writing. He needs your love even if he does not return it during this sojourn into oblivion.

And it's true that when I got home from my mission I acted like a real jerk. I ordered everyone down on their knees to pray. I even got nervous being left alone at times. It was the conditioning. But most missionaries come home and want to show that they are still normal so they go a bit overboard with acting hip and current when they really aren't. Be kind when he gets home and isn't himself. It will take time but he'll get back to normal after awhile.

You sound like a good brother.

^^^ This reply makes me cry. I'm an RM too and I know what it is like to be totally controlled by the cult. Just be you...the most honest and selfless you that you can be. Your brother is being lied to and controlled by people who don't care about him. This is where you can show him what unconditional love really means. You love your brother and it doesn't matter if he is mormon or not. This is not the case with every other relationship he has on his mission - they only love him as long as he is a part of their tribe.

Your brother will see the difference in time between conditional mormon love and true, selfless love from a family member. Show him that you will care about him not matter if he does the whole mission or if he wants to come home early...you are there for him. A TBM missionary needs to understand that they have family waiting for them who love them no matter what. This is something they can't get from the cult.


Good luck and I hope for the best for you and your brother.

I recently read through my missionary journal. I was even trying to convince myself that what I was doing was the right thing. Keep writing your brother and know that his comments are definitely part of the training he gets. Be completely honest with how you feel.

When my son went on his mission, we wrote snail mail letters. I always sent newsy information about what was going on in his high school sports seasons, family comings and goings and upbeat current events. When he came home, he told me that my letters were the ones he looked forward to the most.

I think your brother appreciates news from home and knowing that you, his brother, cares about him. All the stuff he writes back is just the mormon programming that missionaries get.

Tell him you did pray, and the answer you got was that the church was a lying, deceptive cult. Then assure him he can have the same answer, if he sincerely seeks it out.

It might just flip on some circuits in his brain that are being overwhelmed by demands for obedience and conformity by all those around him on his mission. And even if he stays "committed," he may just realize that an "answer" to a prayer isn't the best way of determining truth, since the "answer" can be anything anybody wants it to be.

And yeah, when I was on my mission and desperately trying to believe and behave, I sounded like an ass spewing forced nonsense, too. It's part and parcel of being in that environment. He *can* get over it :)

My nevermo sister sent me the greatest letters when I was a missionary back in the 80s. She would cut out pictures of male models from the magazine and tape them to the envelope. Her letters were filled with her crazy partying adventures. Although I was super TBM I loved her letters and saved them - still have them.

Your brother feels obligated to put that holy missionary crap in his letters to you, especially if you are inactive or nevermo. He's guilted into it. Please keep writing to him and sharing your fun life with him. It will strengthen the bond between the two of you.

I've had several of my kids go back on missions. The last one's emails were way of the top (probably encouraged by my TBM wife). I skimmed through them knowing that they went through my LDS.org. I think my kids knew that their communications were being monitored.

I always said positive things through the Morg web server. Because the missionaries were my children, whom I adore, I always told them I loved them, and that I was proud of them (for who they were not because of the fucking church), and that I looked forward to when they completed their missions and I could become their Dad again.

I'd recommend you do the same with your brother. Love him, tell him you're proud of him, and can't wait to begin friendship with him when he gets back. Ignore any pleas, testimony bearing, etc. he's programmed to do this.

After he's home about 2 weeks, the mission shit starts disappearing. My sons and I now enjoy appropriate cussing--much to my TBM wife's chagrin.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/15/2017 02:25PM by BYU Boner.

So tell him that his preaching to you, isn't helpful and please quit doing it. He can't fix it if he doesn't know.

OP, It's like he's only allowed to broadcast one channel, and for all you know, everything is inspected prior to broadcast. Probably the most harmful thing for either of you is that you take it personally, when every recipient is receiving essentially the same messages from him (and the rest of those in his area). Things might be much harsher were he not to follow the rules. Don't judge or punish him for that! It's like a prison.

Be true to yourself, send normal real-life messages, and just take his as a good sign that he's still breathing. Inquire after his health, the sights, flavors and sounds, what he's learning about. Tell him about your life, your joys, that you can't wait to see him again. Let him know that you're available anytime he chooses.

Don't let LDS tear you two apart if you can avoid it. My best to both of you.

This thread has resulted in the creation in my mind of the desire to attend my grandson's welcome home sac meeting, assuming they still have anything like this.

The theme of my welcome home sac meeting, "look, a Lamanite did something note worthy!", resulted in a record low turn out. (j/k; they had to hire another ward's deacon's quorum to help pass the sacramental chips and salsa.)

Yep. This is how his letters were. It got rather obnoxious. They got worse as time went on.

I finally ended it. We saw each other a few times after he came home, but I was DONE long before he got back.

Since he is your brother, I'd ignore his preaching and, like others have said, just be yourself. I do believe he needs it.