Hi everyone, I'm new to the boards and new to being an "out" Exmo. I am married to a mostly TBM who is struggling with my transition. I won't go into my story since that's for the other board but an extremely concise summary would be that I found the scientific explanation for the origins of the universe more compelling than the religious ones and the evidence for (any) god lacking.

My struggle is that I know my wife is holding on to the hope that everything will turn around and I'll come back. The argument I keep getting is that I've somehow chosen to not believe over believing and I can't say it's not entirely true but for me, the most important thing is getting to the truth of things as best I can. So I'm choosing to go with the conclusion that is most supported by evidence. I'm a technical/scientific type by trade and generally by nature too so this is a natural inclination for me.

I realize this is a massive question with no one answer but what are some coping strategies others have used to keep the peace and co-exist with their still believing spouses or other family members/close friends?

Thanks everyone.

I have heard that a strategy that has helped ease tensions somewhat is this:

Kindly request your believing spouse to convert you, with all the tools she has at her disposal. . .

And

Permit you to ask questions, point out logical fallacies, and gaps in evidence, to indicate where many of your questions arise.

Tell her that you will be polite and kind and ask that she afford you the same treatment.

If she agrees, then your discussions and study sessions can be a nice journey, if she is completely honest.

If not, then it is not unfair to point out to her that she is being unreasonable and that you will continue to act in a reasonable way.

turn to the essays. I can't stress enough how powerful they can be. They are straight off lds.org, hard to say they are "anti lies". This is the one that seems to have the greatest impact on women. It caused quite an uproar on a mormon board. The fighting got so bad they split it off to another board.

Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo
https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-in-kirtland-and-nauvoo?lang=eng

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Joseph_Smith%27s_wives
Sealed to wife, Emma, 28 May 1843

In the list of wives, you will not see his sealing date to Emma. Someone on the board was able to find the info and it is around here if you really need it but that is the date. May of 1843 was a busy month for Joe. Lots of teen sealings. LOTS of others sealed before her. Why? Shouldn't she have been the first sealed to him? As his legal wife? The wife he loved right? This aspect is very difficult for mormon women to reconcile. It might make a crack and open her up to looking at some of the other essays. Best yet, go through them together :)

genius ^^^


try Jesus too OPie ~

It takes time, lots of time.

Remember that most people that leave the church turn atheist, upwards to 90%.

Even ExMormon to Christian boards like [DELETED] admit this.

Is this a bad thing?

The way I've gotten some believers to stop badgering me is to tell them that I did try, for many years, with all the effort and scriptures and righteousness that I could muster, and I could not believe it. I finally decided that I'd tried hard and long enough and if I was going to be able to regain my testimony, God was going to have to help me out. And when that happened, I would let them know.

The time thing is important, from what I've read, because you don't want to won the battles, only to lose the war...

One clear absolutely essential agreement/strategy/necessity is to never go to bed angry with each other

Gatorman
3-1

Some of us spent soooooo much time & energy enmeshed in the Morg, (family, etc.), we'll always feel that we're " Newly Out"...


just sayin'



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/04/2017 11:02PM by GNPE.

Yes i havent gone to church in a year and i still feel newly out.

OP,

Read this post from Godless in Dixie. It just may help you understand how your wife is feeling about your apostasy.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/godlessindixie/2017/09/29/the-sociology-of-belief/

People leaving Christianity deal with the same problems we Ex-Mos deal with. I hope this gives you some insight into what you are and will face with her.

I was fortunate to not really have your problem -- I managed to avoid hieing off to the temple to be hitched to a TBM right after my mission, and get out before that occurred.

What I have seen over the years, though, is that the couples who make this work in your situation have something in common:

They agree that their love for each other is not conditional upon church membership or religious beliefs.

So I might suggest that you start off by affirming the same to your wife -- that your love for her is not conditional upon her having the same religious belief as you, your love for her is absolute. That you will love her whether she remains in the church, joins another, or leaves religion entirely.

Once that's established, and demonstrated, it opens the door for more honest discussions, and removes some of the anxiety of *both* spouses -- that a difference in religious belief spells the end of the marriage.

I wish you all the best...

This is exactly what my TBM wife and I have worked out. Our love goes way beyond faith and belief.

Only you would hie off to somewhere. What is the exact definition of that word "go" or "fly"? You would have to fly to get to kolob.

Though I'm a nevermo, I've heard some of the same things from my TBM wife that you are hearing from yours.

She was convinced that, once I took the lessons from the missionaries and read the BOM, I would immediately convert and a year later we would be sealed in the temple. When it finally sunk it that I was never going to convert, and had facts, science, and history to support me, she accused me of "choosing" not to believe.

Though she's becoming more and more inactive, she will still occasionally say that she feels she must choose between me and the church. I point out, as gently as I can, that I'm not the one forcing that choice on her, and that she can have both if she so chooses. I'm not forcing her to leave; it's been years since I actively tried to convince her that the whole thing was made up by a lecherous conman, though I will give her my honest and direct opinion if she asks for it.

We've learned to agree to disagree; and because I love her, I've learned to hold my tongue when every fiber of my being wants convince her that the church is anything but true.

It's very typical and what I saw in every TBM family member after I left. After decades of telling them,they never got over it.

This may be long, but I've been around these parts for a very long time and seen so many people with your dilemma. There are a lot of good sayings that fit your situation, "a mind that has been stretched can never retain its original shape," "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain," or "you can't make your mind put clothes back on the naked emperor."

Basically, You can't un-know something you know, but you can change your beliefs. We believed the church was true. I always thought I could never leave because no matter what, there would still be a little sliver of belief and I'd always be afraid I'd made the wrong decision. But now that I know what I know, there are no slivers. In fact, it's made me realize that there was always a sliver of unbelief in my strong belief. But it didn't matter, I lived in a "Pascal's wager" mindset.

Now it's about how I want to live and what I want to leave behind. I don't believe eternal life is anything you take with you, it's what goes on after you're gone. But I don't have family issues (immediate family--extended doesn't matter). I'm single now and my kids are all out. So when you're asking how to keep the peace and co-exist, don't confuse it with "how do I be dishonest and live with myself?"

Be honest with those whose existence is directly tied to your happiness. Try to get to a point where you can say, "you're too important to me to be dishonest with. This is what I believe, I can't unbelieve it. Do you want me to totally lie to everyone? Do you want me to lie to you? Maybe I can or cannot try. But I'm willing to do blah blah blah," and figure out what you are and are not willing to give. Is your staying a member and going to church something you're willing to give? Is she willing to give that you might not want to lie or pay money to propagate the cult to have a TR? Would she want to talk to the bishop with you about how she can have a TR if you don't pay on your income?

Yes, what she REALLY wants is for you to read and pray and get your belief back. We were told by a "prophet of God" that it could happen. I've never seen it happen. I've seen plenty of people go back and shut up and play the game. But I've never heard anyone who actually saw the man behind the curtain claim to have turned around and strongly believe in the wizard. So it's just going to take time for her to understand that what she's asking you to do is be dishonest. Remind her that you're not asking her to pretend not to believe or to be dishonest.

Make honesty the most important thing. THEN get down to the business of trying to figure out how and whether the marriage can work with the new normal. Many people DO figure that out because the compromise brings them way more happiness than divorce ever would. If you are committed to your spouse, and vice versa, it is very possible for you to have a wonderful life's journey together. And it can be better than ever.