My GF passed. He was not ready to go and was a very healthy and bright man. Died in tragic accident. At his funeral I noticed that the speakers acted like he'd left on vacation. It was strange.

Afterward it almost felt like the families tried to outdo each other with happiness. Posing for pics, laughing. Smiling around the casket. Almost like his body wasn't there.

It appeared to me like Mormon families try to outdo each other to show who believes in the plan of salvation more.

Uncomfortable.

Yes, very shocking to outsiders.

My very first mission companion wss killed less than 6 months after being released. His mother spoke at his funeral and made some funny comments regarding what Melvin was up to in Paradise.

I assume it made it easier on her, to some extent.

I can't act sad that a loved one has died, 'cause that would mean I don't believe in mormon afterlife eternity!
So I must act happy!
Giddy, even!
Even though I'm incredibly sad!
But put on smile and be happy so nobody will know I'm sad!
And don't grieve, even though that's a process that's useful and leads to healing!
No, no, no! Just pretend nothing is wrong!!!!!

Mormons. Sheesh.

^^^^^
All the 'THIS' you can muster!!

SadNotSad Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> ^^^^^
> All the 'THIS' you can muster!!

Well isn't this how they approach all of life, not just funerals? That's what I have found.

I will never go to a mormon funeral or wedding for the rest of my life i decided. It all makes me too angry.

My mother was like my father had just gone on vacation--or--had gone "ahead to prepare the way." She was stoic and showing great strength. I was surprised at the lack of emotion. My parents had always been crazy in love.

She finally confessed to me much later that about six or eight weeks after the funeral, the loss finally hit her hard and she spent nearly a day ranting and raving and screaming at my father for leaving her. She gave it her best shot, but in the end couldn't run from the grief. I Think she confided in me because I am the only Exmo.

The Mormon facade is a very important part of their religion. It is the tool they use to prove they are the chosen. The ploy isn't working, but don't tell them that.

The masks are fully on at funerals and viewings. I was that way when my father passed away and we were totally TBM. He lived with us and it turned out to be very hard on us after the funeral when our real feelings could come out after all the busy preparations and visitors were done.

the numbness of initial grief.

I was in terrible shock, at age 15, when my father died. The loss of my favorite parent, coupled with the knowledge that I would have the spend the rest of my youth with the Wicked Witch of the West, made me pretty numb.

Plus, it's a cultural thing. Stiff upper lip and all that.

I remember just minutes before the funeral, gazing at my father's body lying there in the casket. Unexpectedly, my mother snarled at me, "Don't you DARE cry at the funeral! Daddy would be SO ASHAMED of you!"

When people gathered at our house afterward, one old lady, a longtime friend of the family (although I had never liked her) looked at me critically and said, "I've been watching you all day. You never shed a single tear. I don't think you loved your father at all."

I was so stunned that I just pushed past her wordlessly, to hide in the refuge of my bedroom.

Crying at home was not allowed, either. My grandmother had an adorable little cottage, next door to our house. Grief was allowed there, and the two of us mourned our loss - my father and her son - in the peace and simple beauty of that precious little cottage.

I am so sorry that people were mean to you about how you responded when your Dad died---and so glad for you that you and your grandmother had a sanctuary where you could be real about it together.

For me, when my husband and mother died on the same weekend, I found that there was a numbness so that in a sense everything I did was playacting, trying to do what I thought I was "supposed to."

And I also did the stiff upper lip-thing; I didn't know how else to DO all the things that had to be done---handle arrangements, handle money by myself from now on, continue to raise our teenage kids without him-----

I understand from reading that feeling the feelings, letting them flow out, would not have hampered my ability to handle the practical things of life that I still had to manage---but I didn't know, and I did the best I knew how. Probably everybody does.

My experience with death is that it seriously tears the fabric of the lives of the people close to the person---even people not-so-close----and that people sorta lose their minds for a while. I know I did, and some of my sisters did when my parents died. Having someone die "close to the house" is a very big deal----and I think it behooves all of us to cut each other some slack; be gentle with ourselves and others---and stand ready to lend help and support as you see it may be needed--understanding while you do it that the people involved may be emotionally ragged, and not respond "reasonably" to your offers. Be gentle--with them, and with yourself.

She understood the dynamics within our family, realized that my mother (without Dad to rein her in) was probably going to go off the rails somehow - which she did, with heavy drinking.)

She had been very close to me for three or four years by that time and understood our family's (or rather, my mother's) warped dynamic, and in her amazingly mature teenage wisdom, she was a source of strength for both me and grandma in dealing with the raging alcoholic monster that my mother would soon morph into.

Sometimes, when Mother was going apesh!t out of control and all but biting everyone who got to close to her, I would call BFF. Grandma and I would pool our money and the three of us would go out, in BFF's car (parked up the street so Mother dearest wouldn't see it) to have an inexpensive dinner somewhere. Grandma usually cooked dinner, but in those days, Mother tanked up on beer, and she would be so full of hops that she didn't want to eat anyway, so a quick burger away from the stress was a great relief for all of us. It was all about survival.

I've seen that - like when my high school friend posted pictures of her mom's internment after the funeral and there is her older, much weirder sister grinning like a baboon watching her mom be buried. Or recently when a friend posted pictures of her family in the gym after the service/meal and they had one nice picture of everyone in the family, smiling, and another of them making faces like they were at a carnival. Maybe it made them feel better to joke around - maybe their dad (the deceased) liked making faces in a picture and it was a tribute. But both FB postings struck me as odd.

I think when Mormons act happy at a funeral it's some sort of testimony to their belief that families will be forever. I also have heard Mormons say that the non-Mormons in attendance envy their certainty that they will see their loved ones again, shown by their happy countenance and faith in the Lord. They honestly think non-Mormons are jealous that they aren't sad at funerals because of their knowledge of eternity.

My brother died in an accident in college and had a Mormon funeral. I stood with painted on half smile keeping track of all the stupid things people said. After his TBM wife heard one to many "He's in a better place", she lost it. She screamed , "living here with me is a better place".

with a big smile and chastised us for looking sad.

He stepped back and proclaimed that we should all be very happy and that this was a happy day.

Mormons are fucking nuts.

Oh, yeah! After all, we'd kill ourselves if we REALLY knew what it was like just in the telestial kingdom!

and lets have a party.

I must admit that my non-mo family is a *bit* like that, but that's more of a dark sense of humor about death--without revealing too much of my identity there were relatives of mine that were cracking jokes (not at the actual graveside service), and they were members of the clergy doing the service!

In my family, when you're dead you're either dead & gone, or dead and maybe existing happily in another plane. In either case, we let the grief out in one way or another, but at the same time realize that if the dead loved one were still here, they want us to have a party.

My TBM relatives, OTOH, are hard to read: deep cycle brainwashing or Vulcan-like lack of emotion?

The viewings are like a homecoming party with smiling faces and lots of hugs from people you used to know.

And if you're a family member the after-cemetery luncheon is even worse. Funeral potatoes and ham. Jell-O salad and red punch. And it's an even bigger party than the viewing.

I never have and never will understand Mormon funerals. But I know I'll have to endure more of them since I'm fifth-generation Mormon on both sides of my family. And none of them know I resigned except for my TBM wife and not-active kids.

Perhaps after my mother passes (she's 95) I'll let everyone know I resigned. If I told her now I know she'd die on the spot.

My never mo family is a little sick, we sang the song forest lawn when alone in the car on the way to the burial when my Dad died. My mother was the one who started it. She said Dad would appreciate the sentiment.

For those of you who do not know it:

Oh, lay me down in Forest Lawn in a silver casket,
Put golden flowers over my head in a silver basket.
Let the drum and bugle corps blow Taps while cannons roar
Let sixteen liveried employees pass out souvenirs from the funeral
store.
I want to go simply when I go
They'll give me a simple funeral there, I know.
With a casket lined in fleece and fireworks spelling out
Rest in Peace"
Oh, take me when I'm gone to Forest lawn.

Oh lay me down in Forest Lawn, they understand there,
They have a heavenly choir and a military band there,
Just put me in their care, I'll find my comfort there,
With Sixteen planes in a last salute, dropping a cross in a parachute

I wanna go simply when I go.
They'll give me a simple funeral there, I know,
With a hundred strolling strings and topless dancers in golden wings
Oh take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn.

Oh, come, come, come, come,
Come to the church in the wild wood
Kindly leave a contribution in the pail.
Be as simple and as trusting as a child would
And we'll sell you the church in the dale.

To find a simple resting place is my desire
To lay me down with a smiling face comes a little bit higher
My likeness done in brass will stand in plastic grass
And weights and hidden springs will tip its hat to the mourners filing past

I wanna go simply when I go.
They'll give me a simple funeral there I know
I'll sleep beneath the sand,
With piped-in tapes of Billy Graham
O take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn.

Rock of Ages, cleft for me
For a slightly higher fee.
Oh take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn.

It's an odd, and in my opinion inhumane way of handling death. People have a right to feel sad. My father died when I was a young teen, and I certainly did not want to see anyone smiling or laughing at his wake or funeral. The most comforting thing to me was when a long ago friend of my dad came up to me, took one look at my face (I look a lot like my dad,) burst into tears, and hugged me. This big bear of a man just enveloped me in his arms. It helped me to know that someone else who had loved my dad felt exactly like I did and was willing to comfort me in my loss.

And since dad's wake and funeral were filled with Christians, both Catholic and Protestant, we all believe(d) in an afterlife. I have always fully expected to see my dad again. I said as much to him while gazing at him in the casket. "I love you, dad. I will see you again one day."

You have to wonder what Mormons feel they have to prove.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/03/2017 05:05PM by summer.

People should own their feelings, and be present with them. Feelings are ok.

That said, for myself, I feel that death is an illusion, and death as some people define it doesn't exist. Only the physical body decomposes. So for me, there can be no actual grief, other than the feelings which occur in a farewell to a friend or loved one.

I say, if a Mo wishes to feel joy at a loved one's death, they should be allowed to feel so. Their feelings are legit too. But if they are putting on a phony front to impress others, that can be a big problem, for them.

Forget the afterlife for a sec. They act like missing a person's presence is bad, the anticipation of the rest of your life without them is to - be celebrated?

What about the person who loses a needed parent or spouse? Yep, god'll provide and plug another human in that slot, don't be sad, little boy, any ol' body'll do!

Get ready to hunt up another spouse, 'cause you're gonna need a warm body to do that work for all those kids. No need to cry over spilled milk.


It's sick, and it's demeaning to all involved. It's another way to enforce how insignificant a person's time on Earth is, how meaningless the individual, so may as well devote it to LDS Inc, anyway. No time for grief.

Wow. My dad died suddenly when I was 17 and as he was Jewish the whole attitude was different - I don't remember anybody saying anything like, "He's in a better place," which is good because I'd probably have hit them. The general "feel" around the funeral and abbrieviated shiva was "This is really sad and difficult, but hang in there, life will get better with time, though he'll always be missed."

I hope my dad is in a nice place and I get to meet up with him there (I don't pretend to actually believe that, but I understand why some people do), but that's got nothing to do with how much I miss him now and for the rest of my life!

Just wanted to add - I don't remember if I cried at the service itself. I mostly remember how fvery hard one of my uncles, my dad's younger brother, was holding my hand. I've cried plenty over the years, whether I did at that time that day, and it's been over two decades. But nobody would have thought anything awful about it if I did; why wouldn't I? A seventeen-year-old girl whose dad died suddenly?

Sorry to go on, but while I am a fan of the general idea of a wake, I am not a fan of the idea of "we should be HAPPY because they're in a better place!" Screw that. We want them here! Grief isn't about the presumed fate of somebody who died, it's about how those of us who are left behind feel.

So, I've been fretting about this for quite a while now. I am quite sure that the church will co-opt my parents' funerals. I don't really care about my step-monster's but when they do what they do for my dad's, that will make me white-hot livid.

I'm thinking of not showing up. I'd pay for a separate one, but I don't think my parents have wills, so I might just be stuck with the costs and why pay for a funeral when the church will do one for free? (Erm. They don't charge for those, do they? You'd think a cult like that would try to get every last dime from their members, even on their way out of this existence.)

I remember when Hinkley's wife died. He was stoic during the service, and every one spoke as if she was just out of town for a short time.

BUT, at the cemetery, they panned over Hinkley, as he was convulsing in tears. No shit! His wife just died. Of course he is very sad and should cry.

Don't make me feel guilty for feeling normal feelings. It stops me from processing and moving on.

What BULL!

When I was a TBM, my high school boyfriend went to a Mormon funeral, and it gave him the creeps, too.

Everyone was smiling and happy to see each other, like a family reunion.

The speakers hardly mentioned the deceased at all! The first speaker read the obituary, and that was it.

A couple of the speakers talked about the hereafter, and how the dead guy would be with his wife forever in "The Celestial Kingdom (my friend thought it was barbaric that the Mormons had their own exclusive Heaven)--but ONLY because they were married in the temple. Only their temple-married adult children would join him in Heaven, and the others would not. My friend thought this was arrogant of the Mormons, to claim to know all about the "unknown."

The speeches were all preachy, about JS and Mormonism, but Christ was never mentioned.

The little kids sang a rousing, cheerful song with hand motions.

Afterwards, there was a luncheon, and everyone chatted and laughed, like it was a party.

The funeral was crowded, and my friend was late, and he had to sit in a basketball court. Yes--a real basketball court with a hardwood floor and hoops and everything. He and our other friends called the Mormon Church "The Basketball Church."

I'm glad he didn't see the part where they put a baker's hat on the corpse--he would have freaked out!

What is a GF ?

I have known plenty of Mormons, my parents included, who are devastated when a loved one passes. In fact, my LDS aunt recently died and at the funeral in SLC, the only one who seemed flippant about the whole thing was my ultra conservative born again Christian uncle from Texas, who was constantly making jokes throughout the whole service.

Everyone else was decidedly heartbroken. Honestly, this has been my experience when someone dies, Mormon or not.