I resigned in 2014 and felt like I'd broken free. But my anxiety and cognitive dissonance reached up and bit me hard. Not in the ass, but with my blood pressure. Six months after resigning I wound up in an ER with 240/115 BP. My wife and I both thought I was going to die. After a couple days in the hospital I was finally released. My doctor put me on some major anxiety meds along with stronger BP meds. There was a definite correlation between anxiety and BP. I still have anxiety even with meds but thankfully my BP is normal. Over the last three years I've reviewed my life and have seen the damage anxiety has caused in my life. Damage so profound my wife and I are living barely above poverty level (Social security, Medicare, Medicaid, food stamps). During the three years of my mind doing "life on parade" I have blamed anxiety. Now I am beginning to wonder how much of a role cognitive dissonance has played in my life. Specifically Mormon culture related cognitive dissonance. That's the only source I can come up with for my cog-dis. All of my decisions in life were made with the church in mind. And now I'm going through another phase of "life on parade" trying to blame Mormonism and the cog-dis it created.

Am I alone in this? I'd really appreciate some experiences from you to help me feel normal and not somewhere in crazyland.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/02/2017 11:30AM by Tom Padley.

For most of your life, you were told that if you left the church you'd spend eternity in outer darkness, and never see your eternal family again.

Your logical brain rejected that, and left.

But other parts of your brain remember. And they're scared.

Seems like a reasonable source of anxiety to me...?

Yes i think this is happening to me as well.

Welcome to crazyland, Tom.

I've got one for you..... MY hair has started a white streak in the front of my head...Since May of this year when I have been staying up very late reading SO much stuff about the church, the stress has caused my tresses to sprout white!!! I KNOW it is from ALL the stress of finding out I have been WRONG for 40 years!!!I have no other major stressors in my life to cause my medium golden brown hair to turn white. I am old also, but this stress streak is from the church being fake.

I now understand what sir david the bard was saying that he is like data from star trek and he went berserk. A robot programmed by the morg going against his creators. They created his mind and the truth made him go berserk.

BINGO!!!

Might this help you recover somewhat? I certainly hope so because I'm concerned that you're suffering this way.

Would yoga or meditation help. Have you looked for books on these subjects.

It helps me to be immersed in nature. I like woods and trees when I need to relax. I also like to read mysteries and watch good movies to escape stress and it helps to go to a museum and enjoy the art if it's the kind I love.

Perhaps it might help a little to know that other posters are concerned and they're sending calming caring thoughts to you.

I'm sad that the mormon church does this to good people who deserve better.

Take care.

Cheryl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Might this help you recover somewhat? I certainly
> hope so because I'm concerned that you're
> suffering this way.
>
> Would yoga or meditation help. Have you looked for
> books on these subjects.
>
> It helps me to be immersed in nature. I like woods
> and trees when I need to relax. I also like to
> read mysteries and watch good movies to escape
> stress and it helps to go to a museum and enjoy
> the art if it's the kind I love.
>
> Perhaps it might help a little to know that other
> posters are concerned and they're sending calming
> caring thoughts to you.
>
> I'm sad that the mormon church does this to good
> people who deserve better.
>
> Take care.


Actually I've started going to a Sunday meetup group and will hopefully get into group therapy for anxiety soon. I have a meditation CD that I use, but this new cog-dis thing is really kicking my butt. Thanks for your response.

When you say cogdis what do you mean? Is it the battle in your mind of truth vs. the fiction programmed in your head. If so i have it too. My mind always wants to go back to the comfortable fantasy fiction but i know it will be the end of me, the smart and intellalectual side is fighting hard to keep my mind in logic and truth.

Adam, I hesitate to answer for Tom, but yes, that is cognitive dissonance. It is a bit more complicated, but that is basically it in a nutshell.....and it causes anxiety, which can lead to high blood pressure and other physical ailments. And not only Mormons experience it... Many who are programmed into a rigid outlook and realize it are subject to cog dis.

Having been out for 50+ years, I still find vestiges of cult thinking still lurking in me head.

You are not alone i have been having insane anxiety lately as well. I do blame the church for all of it. They are at the core of all my health issues and my counselors would definitely agree. I think the constant battle will last for a while until the mind thinks that it is totally safe to function normally if it ever can again. The true key to saving my life is to recover from mormonism and get out of the clutches of everyone around me that is toxic. I get triggered way too easily still in this mormon town and it is still bad news.

Went through the anxiety phase- felt I left good adult friends, altered my acceptance in the community and wished that some of what I discovered wasn’t true. Now be ready for the evolving anger phase. You will be angry at wasted tithing,time and what may have been your hardline stance with others who were in their beginning of withdrawl. I believe the anger is worse because it lasts longer. Solutions?? I have a few, albeit individualized to my situation. Yo may try:
A. Work- anything from substitute teaching to Chik-Fil-a. I like substitute teaching. The money is not the primary motivation. Seeing things from a different perspective is. You may also find benefit of the money.
B. Exercise. BP is affected by exercise and weight control. It is mind numbing at first but eventually expanding. Start with walking.
C. Grow food. Space doesn’t have to be an issue. I have figs, blueberries, grapes, raspberries, blackberries and seasonal veggies. No herbs,legal or otherwise
D. If so inclined seek the solace and sacraments of another church. Frankly this is the part of my own advice I haven’t taken. Can’t say why really except answering questions about what I believe is not a satisfying activity yet.

A word of caution. Self-loathing in the anger phase is a problem. Make a list of the people in your life that value your words, presence and your very existence. Refer to it everyday especially when depression hits.

Gatorman
Been there Bro

Thanks Gatorman. Good advice.

They call these the wonder years: “I wonder WTF happened.”

I made my peace with Mormonism by accepting everything. Beliefs are neither good nor bad. You can have as many or as little as you want, and life doesn’t care. You get to pick and choose. Certainly the Mormon scam has proven that. Pick what works for you, toss the rest. It’s like shopping for clothes. My take is that everything that happens is divine perfection. I could be wrong, but it works for me and it’s more believable than golden plates.

Sometimes i wish it was all legit and so i don't feel like my whole life was surrounded by a lie and a complete waste.

Babyloncansuckit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> They call these the wonder years: “I wonder WTF
> happened.”

Man oh man, is that ever true. I'm still in the phase where I'm wondering what cog-dis really means as it relates to Mormonism. I was so into the church I wonder how deep it is ingrained in me. I've got an appointment with my doctor to see if my anxiety meds are really working. This is the absolute shits. Sometimes I can't even go out my front door.

On the bright side, you’re going through the classic hero’s journey. You journey to the underworld and emerge a new person. I hated the church for a long time, but it wasn’t their fault. Shit happens. It may have been the only way to nuke the old me.

Babyloncansuckit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> On the bright side, you’re going through the
> classic hero’s journey. You journey to the
> underworld and emerge a new person. I hated the
> church for a long time, but it wasn’t their
> fault. Shit happens. It may have been the only way
> to nuke the old me.


You say it was not the church's fault. Was this my fault? Was this my anxiety disorder's fault? Was this my cog-dis's fault? Or, as you say, is this just the fault of shit happens? From your comment my guess is that it's shit happens. That may make the most sense in the broad world view. I wasn't born into Mormonism to test me or to punish me - more cog-dis. It just happened. Shit happens may turn out to be the very best answer because it wipes away trying to blame somebody or something. Thanks for your comment. Much appreciated!

There’s a notion in some circles that we choose, or are given, our experiences. You’re not in a position right now to determine whether it’s good or bad because you’re going through it. Your experience is happening and you can either like it or not. But it’s belongs to you for a reason. Unless you believe life is a frivolous accident, which I find less believable than Mormonism. It’s much more likely that life is a miracle.

You can look at life as an experience, not a test. Like a roller coaster ride, it’s locked onto rails. You won’t fly off the loops.

The church says life is a test. Maybe Mormonism is a test of how much time and money can be conned out of you, but it has nothing to do with the hereafter.

Babyloncansuckit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> There’s a notion in some circles that we choose,
> or are given, our experiences. You’re not in a
> position right now to determine whether it’s
> good or bad because you’re going through it.
> Your experience is happening and you can either
> like it or not. But it’s belongs to you for a
> reason. Unless you believe life is a frivolous
> accident, which I find less believable than
> Mormonism. It’s much more likely that life is a
> miracle.


Good advice Babylon. Right now I really am in no position to either determine or understand what is going on. I thought I'd already done this three years ago when I resigned. But man is it ever kicking me in the ass right now. Lots of good advice on this board. And no negative or smartass stuff on my thread. Thank god!

Anxiety has been a member of our family for many years. It is
Real and we can actually trace it back to my maternal grandfather. While it is a disorder that can be absolutely disabling, it also has a good prognosis if controlled properly.
Medication AND counseling together can go a long way. However,
mental health care in the US is generally not available through
most health care plans; Thus, some people are basically adrift
In a sea of information and misinformation.

While this disorder strikes,irregardless of race, religion, culture and socio/economic status and education, there are a lot of things a person can do to help themselves manage it successfully.

The Mormon church doesn't necessarily
Cause anxiety. it does, however, tend to
Exasserbate the symptoms.
It is a fluid organization with continual movement and change
And the anxious person finds themselves constantly
Waiting for the next shoe to drop; callings change, leadership changes, ward boundaries change, rules change, meeting times
change, policies change etc There is very little that remains to stabilize people who deal with anxiety on a continual basis.

Anxiety is what it is. Resorting to blame is counterproductive to
Getting well. While it doesn't go away, if managed, a person can live a fairly normal life.

If you are experiencing heightened anxiety you have to learn to walk away from religious controversy, excessive demands, toxic people, and accepting unrealistic responsibilities.
Switch gears to neutral and learn your triggers and avoid them
Stay on your meds and learn what you can about the disorder. It is controllable but only you have the power to do that for yourself.

There is a comfort in knowing that nothing matters.

And it's even more comforting, at least to me, that people think I'm basically okay.

It used to be that 100 years after one's death, there'd be no trace, no memory, of one. But now? It's too early to tell how the online remains of people will be treated.

I bet a company that could delete all the files in which your name, image or output appeared, would be in hot and heavy competition with a company that pledged to preserve access to all the files in which your name, image or output appeared.

Gonna get weird, folks!

I was crippled with anxiety and depression the entire 36 years in the cult. When I left in 2014, the anxiety shifted to anger. I was furious about being scammed, betrayed, violated, exploited and abused. I got into DBT for six months, take meds and distanced myself from all things lds. Three years later the fury has reduced and I in recovery for co-dependency. I think recovery is like peeling an onion. There are many layers and it takes time to heal. I feel much better now. Also, I attend the local Catholic Church. My faith in the Lord is healthier, stronger and mature. I learned a lot in the cult as I was an uber member. I reframe my experience there as getting an education in discernment, truth and empowerment. Getting an edu cation costs $, time and years of effort. So now that I graduated out of the cult, I am happier, strong, clear and in control of my life and destiny. I still have a long way to go. I can't thank the Lord enough for saving my life and liberating me from all cults.

Not only do our names rhyme, but our symptoms are alike too. Anxiety has haunted me all my life. It only got worse as I aged. I have to take medication for it. Avoiding Mormons and Mormonism has been good for me.

What excellent advice!

Tom Padley, as you can see, everyone is an individual, and their recoveries from Mormonism are individual, too. I thought I might try other religions, but my horror of Mormonism ran so deep, that just being inside a church made me physically ill. (I have PTSD from severe childhood abuse and spousal abuse) I have chosen to keep my questions about God and Christ on the back burner, while I resolved the anger and fear and hatred of Joseph Smith and Mormonism.

I disagree that the cult is NOT to blame. It is to blame! Yes, shit happens, like scams, robberies, murders, lies, wars, rapes, and Mormonism has committed all these crimes. Mormons have committed all these crimes against me, personally (except I started breathing again, after my TBM ex-husband strangled me).

A General Authorities said recently, "The Mormon church never apologizes." They do not accept any of the blame for anything bad, ever. If missionaries can't sell the bag of lies, it is THEIR fault for not being faithful enough. If victims discover the church is false, and leave, it is THEIR fault for being "offended." And so on.

You were abused, Tom Padley! Maybe you weren't tortured and beaten, as I was. Maybe the leaders didn't hit, kick, and shove you, like they did to my Deacon boys. Maybe you weren't molested by a Mormon, like my little girl was. There is mental abuse, and emotional abuse, meted out by the Mormon cult, for the purpose of keeping its victims trapped, and exploiting their labor, and extorting their money, for life. Yes! Blame the Mormon cult!

Maybe that one poster meant that YOU can be responsible for your own response to crimes perpetrated against you. You are helpless to punish the cult, other than to define it as "a cult" and to expose it, as much as you can, without hurting your relationships. Punishment and Forgiveness are not things you should worry about. In that sense, you do need to let go of your need to blame--and your anger, as well.

It will get better--I promise! Most likely, you are resolving your cognitive dissonance every day, with each new Truth you learn. Sometimes it takes time to "process" what has happened to you. Try to separate yourself from all this, emotionally. You are not alone!

Start thinking about your own new Truths. Here are some of mine:

--Happiness is important! "Man is that he might have joy."
--There is such a thing as the unconditional love of Christ.
--We ALL will be reunited with our loved ones in Heaven.
--Life is a miracle.
--I am OK
--My children and I escaped an evil cult.

It gave me great RELIEF to know that JS's ridiculous 3-degree stratified Mormon-dominated heaven is a hoax! I don't understand why anyone would WISH Mormonism to be true--yikes. Mormonism caused me great anguish, and now all of that is gone. I'm confident. I know that my children and I are good people. Since we resigned, 9 years ago, our life has taken off like a rocket! I never thought such happiness was possible!

You would like to, but you don't need to solve all the religious-existential problems at once. Some of us are comfortable with ambiguity. Since we can't control Heaven, why worry about it? Just be good, be happy, be healthy. Live in the here-and-now. I was creeped-out by the constant obsession with death, and rituals for the dead, in Mormonism.

You have made a good decision to see a therapist (non-Mormon, I hope). When I was a Mormon, for most of my life, I had high blood pressure, and anxiety attacks. When we resigned, and the Mormons were harassing and frightening us, I took anti-anxiety meds for two years, and it helped. Now, I don't need meds of any kind, and my blood pressure is normal.

It does get better!

Like Don Bagley says, "Avoiding Mormons and Mormonism has been good for me."

When I have any anxiety I ask myself, "Will this even matter in three or five years? Will I even remember or care about this years from now?" The answer is usually no. That helps me a lot to put things in perspective. Some mountains suddenly reveal themselves to be mole hills. Not always, but often.

I am very angry at the Mormon church on your behalf. This is not right. I hope you find the peace that you deserve. You always did the best could with the information you were given. Let yourself off the hook. You had no way to know the information was at fault. We were duped and anyone who says they can't be duped already has been.

Best to you. I wish you a happy life from here on out.

I hear you, Tom Padley.

I desperately wanted to erase Mormonism from my mind, to "un-brainwash" myself. I knew I could control my mind, and I hoped my emotions would follow.

My mind couldn't just get "empty." Something else had to fill it up, and push out the old thoughts. This was a personal experiment, and I decided to have fun with it! My goal was to push out a lifetime of negative Mormonism, by replacing it with everything positive! I did this on every level, in every aspect of my life. Mormonism, after all, had invaded and runied every aspect of my life.

Fill your life with positives! This is essentially what Cheryl and Gatorman and others did. Do what brings you joy, and find new hobbies and interests to push aside all those hours of what you were told was "helping your fellow man" but was instead lining the pockets of LDS, Inc. There's great volunteer work out there, and nice new people for you to meet while you are doing it.

I Love! Love is the answer! I wrote list of "loved ones", as one poster suggested you do. I concentrated on them, making life better for them. Start with your family. Your ward was not your "family" and the bishop was not your "father". Those ward members were not your "friends." Spend your time with REAL relationships--even if you have only two or three (which is average).

Facts and information! I read everything I could find! New words to replace all those false words in the BOM, PoGP, and Ensign and all those manuals. Recycle those! I read biographies, so I would know more about truly wonderful people in history--and forget about the invented histories of criminals and polygamists. I read fiction that was far more interesting than the BOM. Science was my favorite subject, and new knowledge of the Universe and Nature gave me more appreciation of life's miracle. This is almost my new religion--but it is REAL.

Physically take care of your body. It is wonderful, and self-healing, and nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fight against. Take off the suffocating garments, and get out into the sunlight. Exercise works wonders.

Forget the WOW, and don't worry about whether or not caffienated Coke is "forbidden" or not--just don't drink that garbage anyway! Did you know that LDS, Inc. provides Coca-cola Co. with all its sugar? It sells beef to McDonalds and other fast-food places. Get rid of jell-o and the pioneer recipes full of butter and fat. Try new, ethnic foods. Branch out with art and music, too.

My brainwashed brain lapped all that up like honey. It was like I had wakened up from a horrible, eternal nightmare, and found a beautiful, fascinating world out there.

Maybe I tried too hard, and if you want to keep it simple, just "flood your being with positive thoughts, actions, and feelings."

Reality can suck. But since we're here to face reality, here's some more for you.

Most of your problem is genetic and there isn't much you can do about it.

If Mormonism alone caused anxiety, then all Mormons would have anxiety, right?

It is assumed here that you have to have anger now. But not all who left are angry. My wife left and never looked back. Has never visited this site.

Those who are genetically more anxious were more into the church, and then more against it when they find out the BS.

So there's not much you can do about it. Give up. You're probably just going to die early.

Which, ironically, is somewhat of a relief to accept. Don't have to worry about doing all that anger stuff, and taking all sorts of medication, and doing therapy, and on and on.

The whole recovery thing is mostly BS. I went to a therapist who manufactured anger and then had us beating on pillows. Felt good temporarily. Then one day she made a comment about how she bought a big house and we could have success like her. I then realized at $60 an hour, I was financing her, and in another cult.

So yep, you are going to die. Accept that, and your anxiety will probably decline. Go out tonight and stare at the stars and think about when you won't be able to do that anymore when you're dead. That's what I do. Makes me glad to just have a few more minutes.

I've never been able to relax RELAX like I do at a nudist park or someplace where I can fully enjoy skinny-dipping and/or sun bathing.

I can even enjoy chores (vacuuming, etc) when I'm nude Don't Tell Anyone!)

Not for everyone, but it sure is relief from the Ultra-controlling - Ultra conformist culture of Mormonism...

Tom Padley, I feel your pain. I spent six days in the hospital due to an illness related to anger, depression, and stress. In my case, the anger and stress involved a deep betrayal by a long-term friend.

When I was released from the hospital, I determined to let go of all anger in my life. You know me, Tom—I cuss a lot, and like to laugh. Nothing was worth my health. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was really angry.

The above posters gave you excellent advice. I’ll add that posting here helps. We realize that we’re not alone with the hurt and betrayal we experienced from the cult. But, it’s time to move on from it. Mormonism can only hurt us if we give it permission to, and we’re NOT going to give it permission.

It’s great to have you back on the board, Tom! The Boner

I'm nearly 60, had suffered major anxiety most of my life, until I realized that the fear was a condition imposed on me by external forces, and in accepting those external tenets, I could equally choose to reject them.

"Anxiety" is a euphemism for "fear," so one of the first things I needed to figure out was the thing or things that bore fear. It was a shock to discover that most of those things were imaginary beings and situations. "Beings" refers to not only invisible beings such as gods, angels, demons and spirits, but also to those states of "being" for myself. Of that list, I realized that in my new set of non-belief beliefs, the only one possible, but highly unlikely (for me), would be some manner of "spirit," in the sense that it's possible that some manner of energy is transferred to another state of "being" (a "non-being" being) following death. I don't think so, but can't entirely discount the notion, much as I would like to.

Given that, of what was I afraid? No gods to judge me, no angels to help me, no demons to infect me, I was a free person. I look around, and see people making all sorts of fear-driven choices, living in cages of belief. Some of these people are moderate believers, "spiritual but not religious," but most of them accept that:

Eden was a god-created utopia, destroyed by the plot of god-created humans with the intervention of god's devil; come now a gruesome "death" - non-death of a god-man to - shit - what are the words for this? "Forgive" humans who had / could have had, no say in any of those goings on, but are held responsible to believe all of that story, at the risk of an "eteranal" pain and suffering imposed by the god who supposedly wrote the script.

Even without all of the hideous garbage between the front and back of the book, such as penis power wizardry, living to be 900 years old, the rape, pillage, murder, and utter annihilation of neighbors who piss one off for any sort of reason, all I can say is, no wonder hollywood likes to make bible-based movies. What a treasure-trove of human fears.

And, why the fear? Back when the book was first assembled, when they were killing one another over the question of the "substance of god" (as some still do), there was plenty to fear, no lack of the unknown. I'm not sure that we can assume that they also experienced cog-dis, likely for most, quite the opposite. -Total fear of getting it "wrong," lest they be sentenced to an eternal volcano.

I imagine (complete supposition) that there was little question in the absolute "truth" of there being a god, but great self-quandry in reading His Mind.

Two thousand blood, sweat and tear laden years later, and we are in a society largely born of the answers decided upon, then, from those conditions. The people I see who are afraid to come out of their fear caves - I think they would benefit from reading more, especially, more than one book.

Please don't get me wrong; I think there's genetic (healthy inborn) fear, and that book is a "higher reasoning," traditional framework to cope with innate human fear. Some are loathe to throw out the baby with the bath (baptism) water.

Today. Science. Myth. History.

I don't need that external framework. I need to trust my own eyes - to look into the eyes of other creatures to "know" what is right, what is wrong. I was born with that. All healthy creatures are born with it.

If a volcano happens, it will be here on earth, and size matters, as does vicinity, if size is not great.

The basic questions were for me, "Of what are you afraid, and why are you afraid if it?"

For myself, I could define cog-dis as a fear to leave the fear-cave. It really was that simple. My wish for you is that you find the questions that will bring you peace.

beautiful life Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> The basic questions were for me, "Of what are you
> afraid, and why are you afraid if it?"
>
> For myself, I could define cog-dis as a fear to
> leave the fear-cave. It really was that simple.
> My wish for you is that you find the questions
> that will bring you peace.


I have read this response and many others several times. All good advice. But the questions posed by 'beautiful life' really hit me. What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid? My personal fear-cave. This will take some deep pondering over the next few days/weeks. Thanks for that response.

Tom, I have read so many wonderful posts from you, many of which helped me in my journey. It is a journey. An individual journey. That said, we're still not alone!

My journey has never been fraught with fear, anxiety, or depression. Was I never fearful, never depressed, never anxious? Certainly, but those situations passed quickly. I have a logical turn of mind. I am a Software Engineer, after all. Maybe your mind is not so inclined, but that's okay. We're different. For me, what has helped the most yet has been the most difficult to do (due to habit and religious indoctrination) is to stop. And think. Critically think.

This critical thought thing is not easy for us indoctrinates! But it can be done. I am proof. In less than two weeks I will be 63, so not too far behind you in years. Do I regret (damn, that Milky Way ad just popped into my head: "Regerts"!) such a waste of my life entangled in a cult?

No. I learned. It took 60+ years, but I learned. It was not a waste. Now I am as involved as I can be in sharing what I have learned, with family first.

Once your gaze has focused outwardly rather than inwardly and you turn regret into realization, anxiety lessens or completely disappears.

Humor helps. I have a weird sense of humor; it's very active! It's also healing.

Best wishes, my online friend! I wish I could be doing this face-to-face but I hope it will do!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/03/2017 12:33PM by Bruce A Holt.