I've struggled with this throughout my life as both a Mormon and now ex-Mormon.

It has gotten easier the older I've become. There was a course in college for elective credit called "Assertiveness Training." It was all women who signed up for the class. There were no men.

Are men really that self-assured they don't need any?

Defining and verbalizing boundaries is something I've been consciously aware of and try to work on. Both at work and in my personal life.

Learning to say "No," is one such boundary. How many times @ church were we told to accept whatever assignment came our way, ad nauseum? If you said yes to all the demands there'd be nothing left over at the end of the day for self or family.

I turned down a work assignment today that was given to me out of the blue, which was outside the scope of my job description. It made me feel uncomfortable and taken advantage of had I acquiesced.

The one making the inquiry was surprised that I turned it down. I then went further by explaining why I was declining it.

It was a boundary I wasn't willing to cross in regards to work load and what I'm willing to take on.

Back in the church days I would have felt tremendous guilt for saying "no" to any calling or assignment.

Today I just felt relief, pride and satisfaction that I was able to assert myself as to what I'm willing to tolerate.

Do you have a problem with being assertive when you need to be? It's something I've had to constantly be aware of and work on. In my case it has gradually gotten better with time.

Hi Amyjo, I think being appropriately assertive is important for young people to learn. Children should be taught how to be assertive with intrusive adults—particularly when asked inappropriate questions by a church leader! Hugs! Boner.

Being appropriately assertive with inappropriate intrusive adults would be instrumental in developing the confidence in those young people to question that authority.

The power differential is skewered in favor of the authority figures in their young lives, which puts them at a distinct disadvantage.

Just when I like to think I have recovered from old PTSD triggers, I find out that I'm not.

Over the course of my long life, I've had three people who caused significant emotional trauma" my mother, my first husband, and the Manager from Hell in my government agency. The last two overlapped for a number of years (most of the decade of the 80s).

A long soak in a hot bath is one of the most healing things there is, for me. Years ago, my DH had a Jacuzzi tub installed in the bathroom adjacent to my office room. It has developed a leak, so we are getting bids to replace it. Something about the guy who came over yesterday to check out the tub and give us an estimate triggered me. I didn't think I had let on, but my DH and adult daughter both told me that while the guy was here, talking about his bid, I was as white as the proverbial sheet.

And just before waking this morning, I had a nightmare about the Manager from Hell - who has been dead for nearly two decades.

Maybe I need to have a cleansing ritual to get rid of these triggers. Burning sage or something.

BTW, DH and DD both agreed that the guy who triggered me is not under consideration for the bathtub bid. I guess I still have work to do on my own triggers.

The person I deal with @ work is my 'manager from hell' for as long as she's been there. She's been so bad, I no longer answer to her, but someone over her instead. We still work together in the same office and she has seniority over me in terms of title. Otherwise, we are mostly civil with each other only because I've forced that issue with management owing to her verbal abusiveness since she was hired.

I'll be so relieved, like you must've been, when I can finally retire from that position. She won't drive me from my job on the other hand, because I have vested property rights in it like you probably did in your government job with your pension.

She knows that too, but she suffers from a high functioning borderline personality disorder.

She respects me because I've stood up to her. Otherwise, we don't share anything in common other than a mostly civil working relationship.

As far as I have come in growing a backbone, I still have a hard time setting limits and boundaries in some situations.

One thing I'm going to try to do is pay more attention to my gut, because that's where I feel it when someone crosses the line.

Yeah, that's what happened to me in this work instance.

Initially I responded I was okay with it, believing she only wanted me to help out. Then after sleeping on it and realizing what the initial communication intended ie, that I would be taking over completely a secretarial duty others have been doing (and still doing,) that would pre-empt the work I'm now doing, without a promotion, an increase in pay, or recognition of taking on the additional workload. I realized my immediate super was taking advantage of my mostly go along attitude. Oh, and I'd still be expected to continue doing the same work I do now with no increase in hours to accommodate my increased workload (nor would I want them!)

Because my position is protected by a union that backs its workers when there's a conflict of labor issues, I felt emboldened to make a stand. And that I've been there nearly three decades. It was clearly a move to take advantage of my labor. I was promoted from a secretarial position 27 years back to the one I've held since. I'm not about to go back to secretarial duties (it would be like a demotion without a reduction in pay.)

My immediate boss quickly backed off when I said no, I wouldn't do it.

She's highly manipulative and Machiavellian. I figured it was a passive-aggressive move on her part. But she didn't pull it off because I refused.

Good for you! I think it's especially hard to back out of something once I've sort of agreed to do it, or even agreed to THINK about doing it.

You did good!