My counselor knows it, i know it, my acupuncturist knows it. So i don't give a f#ck if i still have some ways to go. I let a man cut my hair yesterday and it did not bother me. This is f#cking progress. I usually don't let men anywhere near me so this is progress. Don't care who makes fun of me. Do not care because i am improving even if it seems f#cking slow as hell. The end.

Congrats on your progress, and on passing through another of your own prior barriers!!!

Improvement is always slow (though within the "slowness," occasional significant leaps of progress often happen---so be aware that these can occur, at least from time-to-time).

One of the realizations you will come to, sooner or later, is that what you have embarked on is a rest-of-your-lifetime process...

...because, if you are doing it optimally, you will never "arrive" at a point where you won't then want to continue on...to improve, or expand upon, or deepen as you explore the possibilities and potentials which will, at the right times, make themselves known to you. (Sometimes the best gifts of life come in improbable "packages"...so be aware that the best things in life are often somewhat disguised when they first appear.)

You ARE on your way, right now.

Congratulations!!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/13/2017 11:35AM by Tevai.

I was kind of afraid that there would be no actual arrival point that it would keep going on and on. No point when i could say i finally made it to the goal type of thing. But my counselor warned me about this. I think this is mormon thinking to reach this perfect state or something that is programmed in me. But this perfect person that i think i should be does not actually exist. Appreciate the support tevai i think you gave me the vitamin advice which i do think is doing something as well. This cold weather is still a bitch though and still makes me bitch on the inside buuut oh well.

Badassadam1 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I was kind of afraid that there would be no actual
> arrival point that it would keep going on and on.
> No point when i could say i finally made it to
> the goal type of thing.

You can make it to "the" goal over and over and over again (much of life is deciding to do something specific, then figuring out the steps in a practical plan which will, step-by-step, get you to that goal)...

...but if "it" was all over at that point (like a movie where the goal is reached: the guy gets the girl (or the other way around ;) )...or the isolated town gets the schoolhouse or the aqueduct they need...or the military forces successfully overcome the warlords they are fighting against...if life then "stopped" (so far is growth is concerned) then life beyond that point would quickly pale into passive boredom. We, the viewers of either the film, or our friends in real life, all know that the guy and the girl are, now together, heading into the continuing challenges of living life as a committed couple (and possibly creating a family, with all of the challenges which will then arise as a result)...the town which now has its schoolhouse or aqueduct is soon going to need a significant upgrade on the major highway which connects them to the next town (or they will need to get rid of the dangerous bank robbers who are roaming the area)...and the victorious military forces will quickly be assigned to other places and other difficult challenges.

In real life, life DOES "keep going on and on," but it is the stretching and the challenges which keep life interesting and make us feel life is personally worthwhile to each of us.

Human beings NEED challenges, and one of the things you learn as an adult is: when you reach a goal, that soon signals the need to start thinking about your NEXT challenge, the "life assignment" which will cause you to think, and feel, and work to your full capacities to accomplish something [else] which is worthy, and will result in a better "you," and a better "world" [around you] too---whether this means you and the people in your chosen family who are your closest companions, or in your community, or maybe you decide to join the Peace Corps and fly off to someplace you may not even know exists right now, but where the challenges which await there will keep you vibrant and growing and actively LIVING.

A whole lot of life is in the "problems" of life, and it is in the solving of those problems that we create a lifetime we will be proud of when it is time for us to die.


> Appreciate the support tevai i think you gave me
> the vitamin advice which i do think is doing
> something as well. This cold weather is still a
> bitch though and still makes me bitch on the
> inside buuut oh well.

I'm glad the nutritional supplements are helping, and I am sorry about the cold. If the cold really is affecting you particularly badly, maybe you could start to think about somewhere else to live which is warmer in the winter. I don't know where that might be, but you may know, if you "listen" to yourself. Just asking the question can lead to "a" "right" answer (a random thought that comes into your mind...a song on the radio...a fragment of a dream some night), if you're on the lookout for any promptings that are coming from inside yourself.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/13/2017 01:15PM by Tevai.

I am not sure where i would move to, things kind of ended badly in arizona and i need to remember that, hence having to move to idaho to get away from it all. My friends were not a good influence on me and were on a road to nowhere and some are actually dead now so i need to remember that i was kind of lucky to get away from all of them.

I am realizing that there is no riding into the sunset type of deal that will happen either. I was raised by tv and movies pretty much. I wasn't really raised by anything else, i am learning how things really are with counseling pretty much, outside of a false bubble environment that i could not get away from to save my life. My mind has been given a chance to breathe from the suppression that religion created for me.

That is excellent news Badassadam...

Don't ever let anyone judge you. Everyone in the world

is a work in progress, be glad to be you !!!!

As my counselor said nobody has lived my life so nobody can judge or compare but i will get to a better state than i am in now. I want to rush certain things but i know i can't force a surgeon to put me at the top of the list for example. Patience has been a bitch to learn when i know there is a way to fix something now but i have to wait for it. I thought today if i was famous and had money and had access to all the best doctors i would not have to wait for anything.

Badassadam1 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> As my counselor said nobody has lived my life so
> nobody can judge or compare but i will get to a
> better state than i am in now. I want to rush
> certain things but i know i can't force a surgeon
> to put me at the top of the list for example.
> Patience has been a bitch to learn when i know
> there is a way to fix something now but i have to
> wait for it. I thought today if i was famous and
> had money and had access to all the best doctors i
> would not have to wait for anything.

You know what you also may find helpful? Human beings judge. That will never stop. It, quite frankly, is human nature.

What will be helpful is when you really don't care that they judge you. :) It's a form of healthy detachment. It means you are moving on from that kind of trigger.

You'll get there. So glad you are sensing improvement, and that is what is important. THAT you know and sense it. :)

Human beings will always judge, i guess i never really thought about that but i think you are right. I used to let it affect me more in the past than it does now. Like how my family always judged me and i would always let it suppress me and mess with me. And i just believed they were correct and that they were the normal ones with the inside track with god and i was an outcast nobody in comparison in their eyes.

Badassadam1 Wrote:
------------------------------------------------------- I thought today if i was famous and
> had money and had access to all the best doctors i
> would not have to wait for anything.

What you're saying is essentially true, but in the end, they, the celebrities, are no happier than the rest of us.

My wife was complaining when she had to have a colonoscopy a few months ago that there's no way the president of the United States has to drink all that prep garbage just to have a colonoscopy. There has to be a shortcut - probably very expensive - that the EXTREMELY rich and famous take to cleanse their colons without drinking between 64 and 120 fluid ounces of that vile stuff. She's right, but she's still not going to get access to the magic colon-cleansing IV.

It's wrong that sometimes a person only gets the health care (or justice or many other things) that he or she can afford, but it is the way things are and probably will be for quite some time. We can work to bring about social change, but it won't happen overnight.

Keep in mind, for all the buying power the elite have, they're often less happy than the rest of us are.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/13/2017 06:14PM by scmd.

I realize that they are not happy, especially when i learned robin williams ended his life that was a big shock for me, big shock. That dude is a comedian type personality for crying out loud. How the f#ck could he not press through the bullsh#t of life. But i have been trying to fix my neck for about two years now and finally have a set date for it on the 22nd of january. Had two other doctors say i need surgery so that gives me confidence in the decision. The one disc in my neck is definitely hitting the nerve and it affects my everyday life so need to do something.

I just really hate going under the knife and so i am a little bitter about it. Going into that cold room and then they put you to sleep and you never get those hours back.

It's hard to wait for things you want really badly.

Sometimes we have no choice. We just have to go with

the flow.

I do want my body to feel normal pretty badly more than anything. I know i am getting closer and closer every day.

When you get to that day when your body feels normal... Celebrate !!!!!

I was thinking today that i haven't been able to celebrate any of my successful surgeries because there was always a next one in line. A problem with another part of the body i would notice and get checked out and yep there would always be something wrong. I did not have insurance in my twenties so i just covered up the pain with pain pills that were cheap at cost and that was a very bad idea, i should have been smarter in my twenties, way smarter.

Badassadam1 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I was thinking today that i haven't been able to
> celebrate any of my successful surgeries because
> there was always a next one in line. A problem
> with another part of the body i would notice and
> get checked out and yep there would always be
> something wrong. I did not have insurance in my
> twenties so i just covered up the pain with pain
> pills that were cheap at cost and that was a very
> bad idea, i should have been smarter in my
> twenties, way smarter.

Badass, few of us can look at ourselves in our twenties and can say that we shouldn't have been smarter. I think "stupid" and "in your twenties" just sort of go together.

Hahaha yes they do and i hope i am doing things smarter now to fix everything. Smarter is the key not strength.

This is progress! Keep up the good work.

Do you really think this is big progress? I thought it was pretty huge to allow a man to cut my hair but i am not sure just how huge it was. Seems very small to somebody else but for me its a big deal.

That's interesting what you said about the hair cutting thing. Because of past abuses and traumas, I hate having my hair cut by anybody. I have to brace myself for it, like going in for a root canal. I thought it was just me. And, you were saying you were stupid in your twenties. Don't feel like the lone ranger. We all do stuff we wish we could do over with better choices! We live and learn!

Haircutting used to be very rough for me, i even hated looking at myself in the mirror the whole time. I will say when actual hands were placed on my head it was a little rough but overall it wasn't bad. He was not aggressive dude so maybe that helped, i won't assume he was gay either because that would be a blind assumption and stereotyping but he probably gave me the best haircut out of anybody in that salon, he knew his sh#t when it came to hair that's for sure.

I don't know you personally but from following your posts I firmly believe that you are getting better. Just an old man's thoughts

Thanks desertman despite what people think deep down i am still pushing and trying and trying to be a healthy person in real life somehow. I can converse with people pretty well in real life now compared to before i could barely say anything with any confidence. One day you'll have to teach me how to kayak because i suck at it, the two times i tried in life. F#cking scouts haha.

I don't like haircuts either. Getting a perm is torture, but I get them. Didn't for a while. My boyfriend wanted to pay for me to get a manicure and pedicure and I said, "ABSOLUTELY NOT."

The big thing for me was to go out and get the mail. It always seemed there was bad news in the mail. I can still hear the mail truck coming down the street from a long ways away. BUT I am not afraid of the mail any longer. It usually never brings bad news. Although my sister that the rest of us aren't talking to sent me a letter about 2 months ago. My ex knows her handwriting and brought it in to me and I immediately tore it up, gave it to him to take to his place of employment to toss out (so my son wouldn't try to read it).

I've come a long, long way from where I used to be. It happens. And nobody feels "normal." I do feel more myself than I have in a long, long time, though.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/14/2017 11:55AM by cl2.

I fear the mail truck as well, it never stops coming and never takes a break. When i say normal i think i mean more like my real self.

Badass,

One day, in the near future, you are going to be through with surgeries. You will be sitting, thinking, "I feel pretty good today. No major aches or pains." Then, Voila! The Badassadam will be on the road to feeling great again. It seems like a long time you have been suffering, but you will get better, AND you will know you are better.

Then, maybe you can work on having a daughter like you said recently??? With someone else of course.

I want a baby girl for sure. One waved to me at the mall the other day and it was the cutest and sweetest thing i have seen in a while. I think i can do the daddy thing i really do but i have to focus still on other things that will all come later.

That sounds sweet. Kids can sometimes lift your mood up for the moment like that. I was behind a little boy and his mother in the grocery store check out line, the other day. I just smiled at him and he started laughing and bouncing up and down in his little cart seat, waving and stuff.
I like happy, sweet kids and smiling babies.
I hate getting my haircut too if it's the first time with a new person and they try to be condescending on how I want it cut or have their own opinions on how some other style would look better and are rude and pushy about it.
That's the one thing I hate about moving, finding a good hair stylist that I can connect with and who doesn't quit or move themselves later on

I’m proud of you, Badass! Thanks for your friendship! Big hugs, man!

Thanks boner but i am definitely not to where i want to be healthwise yet so it ain't over. I got a long ways to go still i have a feeling. The journey man badass.