I recently had to confront my parents about something huge. They have been letting my brother (age 30's) live with them (basically for free) for about a year now. All of his adult life he has gone in and out of their house, living with roommates, moving back in. He is a serious alcoholic. Has landed himself in the E.R. several times due to pancreatitis, among other things. His pattern is that he gets fired from jobs for not showing up.

I recently found out from one of my sisters that they found a meth pipe and a bag/container with meth residue in it in the room he stays in. Oh boy it gets worse. It was my 14 year old nephew that found it. You see, not only do they let my loser brother live there, but also my sister and her family of 5 (that's a whole other issue/story). This means that there are 2 small children and a teenager that live there, with huge potential risk. My brother also brings shady characters around because that's the type of people he associates with.

The sister that told me assumed that I knew, which I didn't. It has always been my mother's pattern to hide all the dirty secrets. She is super secretive and manipulative. The sister that lives with them is following suit and turning into that as well.

I had to confront them because
a) I sometimes let them watch my young children.
b) it's clear to me that they weren't going to tell me and didn't want me to find out.

I'm beating myself up for ever letting my parents watch my children at their house because I really shouldn't have let them with my brother being there at all, as a complete loser/alcoholic. Let me clarify, he drinks an entire bottle of vodka every. single. day. (probably at night). Whenever I'm there he is usually not home (when he actually does have a job), or asleep. But still, hindsight is 20/20 and I should never have trusted any of this situation.

Now that this whole meth thing has come to light, I have drawn a hard line in the sand of not going to their house at all (with my children, or without) until they kick my brother out, which they won't. They can't bear the thought of him being homeless, especially out in the cold. He doesn't even have a car to live in.

Here are some things my parents rebutted with while I was confronting this infuriating situation:
-we believe him when he said he last did that 2.5 years ago when he didn't live here (me: um does it matter? Children live there and they sometimes watch my children. Why is that worth the risk? Why would they believe an addict?)
-we believe him when he says 'if I were on meth I'd be super skinny (me: well he drinks heavily and is lazy, so meth use isn't the only factor)
-we aren't enablers, that would mean we agree with what he does
(me: they let him live in a big fancy house (for free) with a pool, internet, cable, they make him meals, drive him wherever he needs to go, always make excuses for his lifestyle/behavior,etc.)
-it didn't occur to us to tell you (me: seriously???? If children didn't live there, or my children didn't go there, I would be like whatever you do what you want with my brother, but I want no part of it. But they are willingly putting everyone at risk by allowing this.)
-your children aren't in any danger being at our house, and never were
-it was well hidden, the little kids would never have found it


My mother blew up at the sister that told me about this and blamed me not going to their house on her. That speaks volumes to me. She is more upset that I found out the dirty secret, rather than the fact that their loser son has meth paraphernalia in their home, probably smokes it in their home (in a remote upstairs room), and is endangering the children (mine included).

I told them to stop bullying my sister and making her the scapegoat (which happens on a regular basis). They are a$$hole bullies who hide behind religion. They think that if they nag my brother to go to 12-step programs (church-sponsored btw) and get him to attend church with them (if he ever shows up, usually only on Christmas, he is drunk) and make him sign contracts and give verbal agreements, that they have it within their power to change him or make him quit. They think that if he is under their roof that they are able and entitled to control him. He has not hit rock bottom and never will, so long as they enable him.

They are not mad at my sister who let the secret out of the house (she told my other sister, who told me). Sister who lives with them has become ultra TBM, after being a rebellious youngster. They love that. She puts on a fake veneer for them (and the world) and gets her way. Her entire family has been living with them (for next to nothing) for almost 13 years now. I have no idea how my sister (the mother of young kids and the teenager who found the meth pipe) could just disregard all of this too. I haven't spoken to her about it yet. It seems to me that her living arrangement is more important than her own children's safety. They absolutely can afford to move out, btw.

This whole situation and other recent things have really opened my eyes to the fact that my parents are narcissistic and toxic. I will make a separate post about that. But taking a stand against them (for the 3rd time in a year...this is just the biggest and most recent thing), has helped me. I am no longer afraid of them (one of the tale tell signs of toxic parents...being afraid of them/what they think/how they will react to things). I know they are not going to change at all. I can only change how I deal with them.

Sorry for the long post...thanks for reading. I'm finding it helpful to write things down. The narcissistic and toxic nature of my parents is very much tied to this so-called religion. They make every action and decision based on the religion and in the name of the religion. They think they own their adult children and don't look at any of us as autonomous adults because of the nature of the forever family concept. It just disgusts me to no end how messed up my family is and the religion has splintered this family, probably beyond repair. They are starting to make me into a villain over this. Bullies don't like when you stand up to them. I am in a very weird place right now because of the disillusionment of this religion (2 years ago for me) and now of my parents. Standing my ground against my parents in a way felt good, but also didn't feel good. My mother, in her controlling nature is already trying the syrupy sweet manipulation and wants access to my children. She wants to pretend nothing happened. She acts like nothing happened. She even said I love you to me and hugged me and I said nothing. I am numb.

You were right to confront them and you're right to be concerned about your children's safety in this situation.

It's a difficult problem and you're handling it well. Good for you.

Yes. My parents have watched them at my house a few times, with great resistance. My mother thinks it's a huge inconvenience to not be in her own home. To me it sheds light on another issue, which is that she doesn't really watch them when they are there. She stays busy trying to get things done and she is always on the phone talking to people. She can't ever give them her focus. She is a very selfish person under the veneer of a do-gooder religious type. When she is here she has to give them more focus, which is an inconvenience.

But now I feel like I can't trust them at all. My parents are very sneaky and they lie and manipulate. I don't really want my children exposed to that.

That's a very toxic environment you are in at your parents.

You are safer away from there for now.

With your brother's addiction and your parents enabling him, it's a co-dependent relationship they've fostered.

The only thing you can do to keep your sanity is to distance yourself and detach. You cannot reason with them.

You may want to check out Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous. It will help you learn coping skills and how to detach with love. You cannot change your parents, your sister or your brother. You can only change yourself.

Your brother is endangering the entire family. It isn't your call unless your nieces and nephews are in danger. Then you might consider contacting Child Protective Services. Otherwise, it is out of your hands.

" . . .they think they own their adult children . . ."

" . . .because of the nature of the forever family concept."

A couple of other posts just recently have hit on this very priesthood, very patriarchal conceit.

At the heart of your Mother's actions is the fact that if you aren't wrong about all this, then the obvious conclusion is that she is. And she is the Mormon so she has to be right. It is written into the contract.

The day I looked my father straight in the eye and let him know that I was my own person, completely, was life changing.

I read a wonderful story of a woman raised as a Mormon Extremist in Northern Idaho. Long story and interesting because she is now not Mormon but is a Cambridge PhD and author. She had to cut much of the abusive family (and it was extreme) out of her life. At the end of the article she said this:

"It took me along time to understand that you can feel many conflicting things. You can cut someone out of your life and miss them everyday but still be glad you don't have to see them again. Missing people doesn't mean you made the wrong decision."

The book is "Educated" by Tara Westover.

I'm glad you found out about the meth stuff before it could impact your children. Best to you. You are doing the right thing to stay away.

Your parents are codependents. They of course do not see it that way, and that is the problem and the danger. Sometimes, codependents go so far that they actually endanger themselves or others while trying to protect their addict.

Your brother needs structure and consequences. If your parents were receptive, I would suggest that they help him get into a clean and sober house. He would face rules and consequences that would be enforced by someone other than your parents who are not able to do so.

I doubt that this will happen. As long as your brother isn't clean and sober, I would stay away from him, and I would not expose children to that pathology if at all possible.

Bluebutterfly,

It's good that you have written your feelings down and strengthened your resolve to keep your children safe from a potentially dangerous environment. I empathize with your frustration in your parents facilitating their adult children to continue in behavior that will not lead to any meaningful solution. It seems to be a conundrum with no readily apparent remedy to fix the circumstances. However, it does seem that your parents, brother, and sister are just trying to do their best in meeting each other's needs and are functioning to the best of their abilities.

Despite the sticky situation with no solution in sight, it seems that you have a good handle on potential solutions. I would encourage you to keep your distance but not jeopardize your relationship with them because you may be a tremendous influence for change in coming months. Often times it takes on outsider not living with them to analyze the situation as it evolves and influence their circumstances for the better. This may be your role if you feel that you want to take on such an emotional and daunting task. You have much to gain in strengthened family relationships, even if it takes a decade or longer to do so. If you didn't care, I don't think you would have made this posting. Good luck in your journey!