Her mom was taking my other child to the airport late last night so she had a chance to reach out to me without her mother overhearing (her mom is VERY Mormon and VERY judgmental). I no longer believe or participate in Mormonism but, since both of my kids still do believe I have been careful not to alienate my kids by constantly going to war about the church. The result is that they obviously feel safe coming to me for certain things and we have a wonderful relationship.

My 15-year-old says she is bi-sexual and she's felt a certain way for a long time and has 'known' for a few months now. I just told her that I loved her so very, very much and that I was so proud of her for being so incredibly courageous to reach out to me.

I told her that their could potentially be some bumps in the road as she decided how to be authentic and true to herself in her heavily Mormon community (we live in Utah) and be honest with her mother BUT that I would be there to support her and assist in any way that I could as she worked to figure things out. I told her that she's not obligated to do anything that she's not comfortable with and that I would let HER steer this particular ship and just be there for her day and night.

And finally, I told her that I wanted to go on record - even though it was directly against Mormonism (but that I wasn't saying this to bash Mormonism at all - because she is still a believer in some ways): I told her that she is beautiful and perfect just the way she is and that there is NOTHING "sinful" or "bad" or "unnatural" about who she is. I told her that if there is a God he (or she) would want nothing more for her than for her to have a meaningful fulfilling life full of love and happiness. She was genuinely grateful that I was so accepting and kept thanking me over and over.

Of course I didn't get any sleep last night and the wheels of my mind spun at a million miles a second.

I want to do everything I can to support my daughter AND make sure that I don't helicopter the sh!t out of this - do everything I can to help her feel in control and empowered in a culture that will surely chew her up and spit her out; to say nothing about her mother.

Any experience that other parents or family members of GLBT teens have had in 'being there' in all the best ways for these courageous souls would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thank you!

I don't have any helpful experiences.

But I wanted to let you know what a great dad you are.
Well done :)

topping

The fact that she came out to you indicates what a wonderful

loving father you are. Congratulations. She's so lucky to have

a dad like you who is so accepting and loving.

You are already walking a tight rope like a seasoned circus performer. As someone who grew up gay,Mormon, and terrified, many decades ago, I will say, you have already been what she needs. Just stay the course. Your gut instinct is in sinc with your love and that is enough. And your restraint with your wife is brilliant.

Thank you so much for that. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you (and is like for her) but I am determined to help her understand that she's NOT an island. I just want her to love herself for EXACTLY who she is and be happy with who she is.

Your daughter is very fortunate to have you as a father.
Well done, Dad. :)

My daughter is queer. That is her chosen self describing word.

She's delightful and I love her girlfriend dearly.

My kid didn't have a TBM parent to contend with. I'm so glad your daughter has you in her corner.

I wouldn't change a thing about my kid and I'm sure you feel the same.

That word at the top should be q-u-ee-r. I don't understand why rfm would change it to swearing. It is being reclaimed by the gay community.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2018 12:51PM by Dorothy.

Totally! My daughter (both of them) is awesome AF! She's a brilliant budding artist and she's so full of life! I just want her to be fearless and own it and love herself!

I had a very similar experience, my daughter came out to me when she was 16. Far and away the most important thing I think you can do is to treat her the same way, she is the same person and will potentially resent you treating her different.

One mistake that I made was telling her mother for her. It set back our open communication pretty significantly.

Thank you for that insight. I am determined to make sure that she's treated exactly and perfectly normal by me. Other than a few things that I want to impart to her to help her make some important decisions about this in the months and years ahead, she's just my awesome kid.

biography board of the father who left mormonism for his son. It is one of the most moving stories I've read when dealing with this issue.

You are doing a great job already. I'm fairly certain one of the most difficult things she has to go through is her mother judging her.

While it's a remote possibility, it's still a possibility that her mother might go apoplectic and move to kick her out. It's the absolute worst case scenario but it's not entirely outside the realm of possibility. Her and I will talk about the pros and cons of even ever telling her mother until she's safely on her own.

But if the worst case scenario is somehow realized, I'll do whatever it takes to make sure she has a home to come home to. WHATEVER it takes.

You sound like a great dad.

I don't have a gay child, but we do have gay friends. I think you should just keep doing as you have.

The only suggestion I have would be to suggest either a support group or some light therapy for her. By therapy, I don't mean the "pray the gay" away kind, but rather to help her cope with the potential sh*tstorm that will probably be coming her away from Mom and "friends".

A support group for LGBT youth might be able to help find said therapist or help to provide whatever she needs since you don't live in the most forgiving of states.

I might also suggest college along the left coast states rather than good old Bring-em Young.

My best to you and your daughter, AfT.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2018 02:24PM by captainklutz.

Thank you for that insight - I will definitely keep that advice in mind.

Something that occurred to me...if your daughter hasn't told her sister, unless they get along really, really, really well, she probably shouldn't until after your wife knows. That's just too big a bone to toss to a sister who could use it as a weapon.

Even if they do get along, if the little sister is Morg, I think I'd still say tell mom first. This info is just too easily weaponized in Utah.

That's awesome!

I'm glad that you're there for her.

You have done everything perfectly so far. If only every gay person had such a wonderful parent!!!

I grew up gay and Mormon in the 1970s. I internalized all the horrible crap TSCC was saying about gays. I was suicidal after I graduated from BYU and dealt with a severe depression for years. The one thing that stopped me from killing myself was that I knew my (Mormon) parents loved me unconditionally - I just couldn't do that to them. I eventually left the church and came out as gay. I know it wasn't easy for my parents, but I never, EVER doubted their love for me.

Long story short, your daughter couldn't ask for a better father. She will have her struggles, just like everyone else does. She'll have to deal with her mother, with living in Utah, etc. But the conversation you had with her is about the greatest thing you could have done for her to prepare her for what lies ahead.

As far as parents of gay people go, you are a superhero!

Thank you so very much for that perspective. I'm very grateful that brave people like you managed to slog through all the sh!t so that kids like my daughter can see that, despite the troubles that she'll surely have to contend with, she CAN have a great life.

Thank you again!

Your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner. :)

IMO her mom should not be told until your daughter has left home for college.

So I had some time over the weekend to talk to my daughter and I think things went really well. I just reaffirmed to her that I’m so proud of her for having the courage to come forward to me and she admitted to having a mild panic attack before she reached out to me but she was glad she did.

She also mentioned that, based on past experience with her mother, she was just going to fly under the radar until she was safely on her own. I told her that this course of action was just as good as any other given the circumstances and that she has no obligation to share those things with ANYONE that she’s not comfortable with and that I’d back her up and keep mum about it.

But I also let her know again that I’m here for her if she needs to vent or let off steam or confide or whatever AND that if there’s someone she’s interested in dating that I would support her and help her navigate that when the time came. I also mentioned to her that, if she ever got tired of dealing with any of the family background noise and bias that I would be more than happy to connect her to an outside 3rd party professional that WOULDN’T try to just PUSH the strict LDS viewpoint and actually guide her in being truly happy with who she is AND that there are PLENTY of support groups online – which she seemed to already at least be somewhat aware of.

She seems to have a good head on her shoulders about the whole church aspect of it as she intimated to me that she views the church’s stance on dating/relationships as more of a guideline rather than an edict – small win, but a win nonetheless – woo hoo!

So there it is; she seems to have a pretty practical outlook about everything and she knows that she’s got at least one person in her corner. My job now is to not make it weird for her so it’s business as usual for me from here on out unless she needs me on this. Back to telling her to clean her room, be home on time, follow up on grades, and just keep being a dad.

Thank you all for your stories and ideas. They REALLY helped!

Thanks for the follow up. If I could mention a few more dad responsibilities? At least from my perspective.

It is now your responsibility to defend her to her mother and siblings. Every time there is any discussion about gender and sex you must be positive and supportive. She will here you and grade you on your acceptance. With the added benefit that when it is time for her to tell more of her family you will have helped foster an accepting environment.

It is also your responsibility to fend off the boyfriend questions and teasing. She may not know what to say when she turns sixteen and Mormon permission to date. She will have friends and siblings that will push her and pressure her to live a life she may not be comfortable living. You have to give her the support she needs in this area by building up a different narrative in your home. Being a teenager is hard and being a teenager in Utah is even harder.

Finally, I suggest you slightly push on the therapist/counselor suggestion. Of course it is her decision but I can't tell you how many times I was grateful for my daughter's therapist.

Good luck.

All great suggestions and I actually left out the part of the conversation where I told her that if anything did come up with her mother or other family members, I would be ready to rain down fire and brimstone and demolish anyone that tried to pigeonhole her (I can make people feel about 1 inch tall in a conversation if I'm up against obvious bigotry and stupidity). I think she understands that I'm totally in her corner and she just wants to kind of cruise along for now - not make waves are make things more difficult than they have to be while she's at home.

I totally get that. There's the whole 'pick your battles' side of this that she's evidently been mulling over quite a bit. It's not that she doesn't want to be authentic; she just doesn't like the thought of the extra hassle right now. But I made sure that she understood that if that position ever changed, I would be there to back her up.


And I've thought about all those idiotic assumptive questions that Mormons will invariably ask. Right now I think I'm going to just ask her how she wants to handle that when the time comes and that I'll follow her lead AND/OR go to battle if there's an obvious case of stupid that needs to be dealt with.

And it's JUST those times (and others like them) that I'll remind her that it's never a bad idea to have a professional advocate that's NOT her dad or another family member that she can REALLY talk about anything too. Thankfully I haven't built up enough arrogance to think that she's gonna wanna talk to dear-old-dad about EVERYTHING just because she came out to me.

I'm going to REALLY try and keep as level a head about this and just be her advocate on this while letting her pilot her own ship.