I have thoroughly enjoyed this site for a couple of years now and have learned a lot. This is my first time posting something. I hope I am not beating a dead horse with this topic, but as I look at my past in Mormonism, why was it so easy for me to leave and yet I know several people it has been a struggle?

My Story....

I was BIC in 1970. My mother and father just ended a trip where they went and visited many temples and visited grave sites along the Mormon trail of relatives (poor unfortunate souls) that didn't make it to Utah, which my mother was always reminding me about. I had a normal childhood. We went to church every Sunday. I went on a mission where my eyes were totally opened to what the church was all about. Came back, went to college, kept playing the church game, but was losing interest. I had some interesting dealings with mission presidents, bishops, and stake presidents along the way, but hasn't everybody? The last time I went to church was in 1999 and that was that. There wasn't any feelings of guilt or want to go back.

Fast forward to today. I am almost 50 and happily married to my partner of 14 years. He was Mormon also. Why was it easy for me to 'let it go' and stop being a Mormon? My husband states it's because I act like a Vulcan from Star Trek and emotions are irrelevant and logic is most important. (Being Itlaian, he is all emotions, haha.) There is some truth to what he said. I never really bought into the whole story and the pure arrogance of Mormons being the only true church on this earth. What about everybody else on this planet!? Was it because I felt no emotional attachment to Mormonism? I don't really like or hate the church at this point and feel indifferent to the entire organization. Was it because I never felt the burning in my soul or whatever they say about the holy goblin? I remember when I converted over to real underwear and T-shirts and thought, "What the hell was thinking wearing Jesus jammys?" I don't miss any of it. Could it be I was fine being by myself and didn't have the need or want to be around a group of people all of the time? Was it because I have limited amount of emotions? (I cried last night watching a beautiful performance on America's Got Talent.) So I don't think I am bereft of emotions.

I ask these questions because we have several friends and some family members now that are having a hell of a time trying to separate themselves mentally and physically from the church. They want to leave desperately. I listen and help where I can but really listening and not saying anything is the best thing I have been able to do for them. It's a lot of talking it out openly. They all end up asking me how, where, when, and why was it easy so easy for me to leave. I don't really know what to tell them. It just wasn't my cup of tea? I wish I knew what to tell them that would help their situation. So far the best thing I know of is just to be there for them and listen as they work/talk things out loud.

It is a little bit easier when I speak with gay or lesbian friends and tell them it is really simple, "You cannot be gay and Mormon at the same time, period." I have no patience in that area. Having known someone who underwent "conversion therapy" at BYU and who now has no sexual attraction to either sex, I cannot just listen and say nothing when speaking to LGBTQ about leaving the church. There is no middle ground for me. You are either Mormon or you are gay. You can't be both.
(Sorry, went off on a little tangent on the last paragraph)

I would love to get some insight on this. Maybe something I haven't thought of.

I used not care about removing my name from the church, because I didn't care and it was a waste of time. But my husband helped me see the wisdom in removing my name, so I am finally going to do it.

Thanks for reading and "Live Long and Prosper"

I wonder if it's as simple for people like you and me, as not worrying about what people will say?

Abuse combined with the religion makes it tricky.

I just have a few minutes but I wanted to just add a comment, quickly.

Yes, Yes! I prefer thinking to feeling, also. That is how I normally talk and behave. And yes, I think it's easier to leave an organization when the emotional attachment/bond is either very small or non-existent.

You age, personal circumstances, level of Mormon believers you live with or associate with, the level of Mormon environment, work, or culture, can all play a role and make it more difficult for some folks.

Hi there and nice to meet you.

I think how easy or difficult it is to leave Mormonism differs because all of us are unique individuals who have our own unique genetic make-up and our own experiences in life in general and in the halls of the church.

One hundred people gather and you have a total of 100 unique stories which are precious but oh, so different. I think you are doing a great job of caring and giving empathy by being present and listening. This is what I believe means the most to people because life as they have had it mapped out is not so certain any longer and to have a caring friendly face just listen and not condemn means the world.

Hello presleynfactsrock,

You are right on point. I have learned to just listen and keep listening. I never respond with an opinion unless they ask a question. Letting them talk it out loud seems to be the best therapy for friends and family.

I never realized how much conformity the church demands in people. It's like the movie Stepford Wives. Differences in people is what makes life so unpredictable and awesome.

I can relate because I don't think I ever emotionally attached to the Catholic church in which I was raised. When I was in my early teens, logic got me out.

It's different for different people, however.

Maybe it has to do with the level of commitment some people feel to the religion.

People who are BIC are very brainwashed typically by the time they've reached adulthood. Unlearning what has been learned is perhaps why so many BIC remain in. They don't want to deal with the cog dissonance that accompanies finding out the myth that is Mormonism.

You weren't very attached to begin with by your description. As Suzie points out, for logical thinking people it may be easier to walk away than for people who've been emotionally invested in TSCC.

My personality is both logical/thinking and feeling according to the Stanford Binet personality quiz.

Different strokes for different folks kind of thing.

In addition to what others have already mentioned, I think the reaction of family has a lot to do with how "easy" it is.

If your family accepts your decision (even if they don't agree with it), doesn't continually pressure you to reconsider, doesn't shun you or treat you badly...it's easier to leave. You know, families where they love each other and treat each other kindly, no matter what "beliefs" are involved.

On the other hand, families where there's control, manipulation, coercion, shunning for "bad" behavior, narcissism, fragile egos, etc. -- that makes it a lot harder to leave. Because then people feel like they're not just leaving a church, they're leaving their family (and getting hell for doing so).

For the most part, with a few minor exceptions, I was in the first bunch. Most of my family (immediate and extended, including an uncle who was the official church spokesman) grudgingly accepted me leaving, and I was still welcome at family events and such. I'm grateful for that.

Rosysam,

How did your LDS family respond to your leaving and coming out?

Were you shunned by them? Or were they more loving and supportive which would be the ideal?

Hello Amyjo,

That is an interesting story actually. When I started bringing my DH around as a "friend" my mom and dad were really nice to him. I hadn't come out to them yet. As I brought him around more my dad gave him a nickname. Which was his way of letting someone know he likes him. We told my little brother, which then filtered eventually to the other siblings. (3 boys and 3 girls) We got married in California, and only my little brother came with us to be a witness. We told my parents after that we were together and had gotten married. My DH actually had the "gay" talk with my mom. She let my DH know they were a little upset, dad more so. My awesome DH told them that if they gave either of us any crap about church or being gay, I would cut them out in a minute. They decided they would rather have us around. My dad loves my DH and banters with him a lot. At first they would introduce DH as an adopted son, which was ok with me. Lately he proudly introduces him as my sons DH. Kind of funny how time can change people and in this case, for the better. I was surprised how many BIC and uber Mormon relatives were nice and supportive of our relationship and marriage. We laugh and watch the surprise on there face when they find out we have been together for 14 years which is longer than many of there marriages in the temple that ended in divorce. My mom and dad love both of us and accept we are happy together. But they don't agree with us getting married...you know, the whole one man one women issue. And that's ok with us. We just agree to disagree. One of the biggest reasons they love my DH is how much they say he changed me. I used to be quick to call BS and was out spoken. Now I am a "whatever" person and calm. I just laugh and shake my head.

I have always been a private person, even with my family. So the way it worked out, was pretty good. The relatives that have a problem with us, stay away and won't talk to us, which is fine by me. I think I got lucky in a lot of ways with how my family dealt with me coming out as I have heard some awful stories about how cruel some families can treat each other.

that you are gay.

I left over issues with my experiences with the leaders wanting me to save my gay boyfriend/eventual husband, and the experiences from then on.

My story is all over the board, so I won't repeat it.

I went inactive out of self preservation. I'm a very private person and my ex was executive secretary and everyone in the ward absolutely loved him. The bishop kept asking to talk to me (through my ex). I kept turning him down. I didn't do many interviews with leaders after we got married. I finally went in. The bishop told me that my husband would be the next bishop or the one after that. I knew my husband was cheating, so I immediately went inactive. I had told him there was no way I was ever going to leaders about him being gay again. I knew they wouldn't call him to bishop if his wife was inactive. I KNEW I had to do this. There was no way in hell I was allowing the ward to be in on my big secret.

I went back to church now and then. I always thought I'd go back permanently eventually. I'd sit in the foyer on the sofa and listen, and get out of there before anyone saw me.

And then one day it just all fell apart, in a split second. I didn't use logic to leave unless you call rethinking my life and realizing what a mess it had become because I really believed (at least in forever families, not so sure about a lot of other things).

For your family and friends who are having a difficult time, they need to take a vacation from church activity. That is what did it for me. The indoctrination eventually goes away. I had so many other things going on (single mother) that I didn't have much time for church anyway. They obviously keep members so busy to keep them indoctrinated.