Need some feedback. I have a friend who is gay and seems to be very needy to be around me, one on one, a lot. I am in a committed relationship and they know this, and even hang out with me and my partner from time to time. We have a great time.

But recently, my friend has been really mad at me because most of the time we are hanging out, it's in a group setting.

They have told me that every time I invite them over, it's a group invitation and not just her and I.

Am I being paranoid? Could she be having feelings that are more than friendship for me? I love her as a friend, but I am not attracted to her.

Any feedback is welcome.

Signs?
Forget signs.

Ask. Or tell. Or a combination.

"You know, pal, I really like you and all, but I hope you understand that I don't like you *that* way. We're great friends, let's keep it that way, ok?"

Then you don't have to try and interpret "signs." :)

Absolutely.

Friends have the benefit of being able to talk to each other. So it isn't really necessary to guess.

Sure, but what if the person lies in her response to the OP? The OP could be in the same position as before asking the question, despite the negative response.

Go ahead and ask, but follow up with, "I ask, because I've been getting vibes that you are, and I want to be sure that I don't lose your friendship over it. Cuz there's no way......."

All with a nice smile on your face.

And be prepared to have the friendship end, just as it might in a heterosexual relationship when one friend wants to elevate from friends to lovers and the other one doesn't.

Just because she'd like some 1 on 1 time doesn't necessarily mean anything other than she'd like some 1 on 1 time. Perhaps she has things to talk to you about that she doesn't feel comfortable discussing in front of your SO.

I think the suggestions to have a private conversation with her are the best.

Well, one time I was in a bookstore and another guy came up behind me and breathed on the back of my neck for a few seconds. I ignored him and he walked away. A few minutes later he circled around for seconds, this time slapping my butt as he passed behind me. This time I glared at him. As I exited the store, he was waiting for me outside and tried to hit on me. When I explained I'm happily straight, he was severely disappointed.

I guess that guy's gaydar wasn't working well that day. lol.

What!!! I thought gay guys knew who was and who wasn't gay!!

Oh, this is a great blow to my ego! Grevious!!

See, in about 1977 a lady missionary I'd served with (1966) was way out of the closet. We'd been in casual contact over the years and she called to tell me that she and her partner would be in LA soon. I ended up going with them to a lesbian bar and then to a huge dance in Beverly Hills. There had to be hundreds of people there, male and female, ostensibly all gay.

I kept wondering what I'd do or say if I was asked to dance by a gay guy. But it never happened. Was my friend lying to me when she said that gays had 'radar' about who was and who wasn't gay and that that's why I was never asked? Apparently, she was!!

Now the truth comes out... It was because I was a nerdy little Latino dweeb. My eyes are now brimming with tears ...

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Now the truth comes out... It was because I was a
> nerdy little Latino dweeb. My eyes are now
> brimming with tears ...

There, there pal.
All I can say to comfort you is:

"Some things that are true aren't very useful."

:)

My first concern is her neediness. Nobody wants a needy friend.
My suggestion would be to talk to her one on one.
Find out if she just wants to talk to you privately about something.
The odd thing,in my view is that she is "mad" at you.
Somehow, she is upset because you did not do what she expected or wanted.

SusieQ#1 Wrote:
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>
> The odd thing,in my view is that she is "mad" at
> you.
> Somehow, she is upset because you did not do what
> she expected or wanted.


Thanks,Susie.
I think that is what thru me, too. Her anger. Really angry.

If someone gave me a hard time for inviting them over when others were around, I would find that more than a little strange. Why does this person think that she is entitled to having you all to herself. It isn't okay for others to be present. Even if she was interested in you, getting mad at you because you socialize with her in group settings is insulting, controlling and more than a little weird.

A normal person would try to set up one on one time with you by inviting you to coffee, hike, whatever. But getting mad under these circumstances to me is creepy. Maybe this is a friendship that isn't going to work out. If you do decide to back off from this friendship, please realize that this person is already waving red flags of inappropriateness that could escalate.

Very strange....

nevermojohn
Where is the "LIKE" button!

I have a close high school and college friend who's gay. Way way back in the day I started dating a girl casually and didn't see him nearly as often.
He seemed needy as well but I navigated around that. He didn't seem to approve of her and seemed pretty pleased when she and I broke up.
I dated another girl and that apparently didn't bother him.
He apologized years later. Turns out he was afraid of losing a good friend that he could really talk to and confide in and have fun with.
Strange thing was we never discussed his being gay growing up. I suspected but he never confirmed anything until years later.
Maybe your friend is just afraid of losing a friend and confidant. A serious dilemma for her, if that's what's up.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/12/2018 11:11PM by verdacht.

Want an answer from a genuine lesbian? :)

Your friend isn't necessarily attracted to you, but she may just feel like she never gets any alone time with you. It doesn't mean she wants to jump your bones. Maybe she's not out with very many other people, so she can't let her hair down with other friends. Maybe she's going through a situation at work or something that has her stressed.

I do agree that you should talk to her, but try not to be too accusatory. It's hard enough for a lesbian to befriend a straight woman without being constantly afraid she's misinterpreting every move you make as being hitting on her.

My take is that she just wants some 1-on-1 time. Go out with her for coffee, lunch, etc. It's difficult to have quality/intimate conversations in a group setting, and that's probably what she's looking for, at least some of the time.

It sounds kind of possessive and controlling behavior, given the nature of your friendship.

You can ask her outright, like others suggested. Does it mean she'll be forthright if she's attracted to you? You should be able to read her body language, not only what she says.

She may want more than you are able to give, in terms of a relationship - including friendship.