Help! Just finished college and moved back to my home town. I'm an RM but studied my way out due to the history. My mother texted me and said she found out from a mutual friend that I haven't been to church the last three weeks.

She asked if I could stop by the house because she would like to know why I no longer go to church.

I was thinking of explaining to her that I studied my way out and if she is interested in knowing exactly why I will give her Letter to my Wife. Hopefully it will open her eyes or at least understand why I can no longer believe in the church.

you may be lucky, but if I were you, I'd assume this is not going to go well. OTOH, however badly it goes, life will go on. I left in my mid-twenties, and was a reactivation project for mom for almost the next 50 years. I used to joke (black humor) that the only way I was going to win that argument about about why I needed to be Mormon was to outlive her.

It turns out that is exactly what happened.

Free at last. Good luck.

I couldn't wait for my TBM father to die, so I fired him. It's been eleven good years.

Ya gotta do something!

Hopefully while she would prefer that you be a good mormon, she loves you enough to respect your mental acuity and your ability to process information.

Also it will help immensely if you don't have neck or facial tattoos and aren't addicted to anything more or less illegal.

Tell her that quitting the church is all the rage and give her RfM's URL.


Just curious, where is dad in all this?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/14/2018 11:14PM by elderolddog.

So I gather you're 24, a college grad, and mom still expects you to justify your decisions to her.

No. Just no.

You're an adult and do not have to explain yourself to your mother. It's none of her business.

The sooner you can establish *and enforce* boundaries, the less stressful your life will be. She may throw a tantrum and try to manipulate you. Recognize it for what it is.

What's that Proverb? "Train up a mother in the way she should go, and she will not depart from it."

I agree with this. It doesn’t have to get nasty. Just say something to the effect that right now, you don’t care to go to church and you do not wish to discuss the matter. If she presses, tell her flatly that you’re an adult with a college degree and you do not wish to discuss something so personal as religion with someone who will not respect your adult desire to avoid religious talk. Very best wishes!

"So I gather you're 24, a college grad, and mom still expects you to justify your decisions to her. No. Just no."


^^This is gold. No need to defend. No need to offend. If she would like a simple explanation of "why", then why not?

But, do not let her put on the hysterical/faux-spiritual/guilt trip/desperation show that I got from both parents at your age in the same circumstance. Then, like Brother of Jerry, I became a reactivation/call to repentance project for the next few decades.

I made the mistake of trying to justify to them, to explain, but nothing worked until I made it clear their pleadings had no effect whatsoever on me. My decision was made and was final. They finally stopped--well, almost. They are Mormons after all.

I concur

Tell her that you joined the Church of Scientology. Keep her going for a good 5 minutes. Then, ease her pain and tell her that you're not a Scientologist, but, that in college, you learned how to think logically and that caused you to research the church and its history. You decided that you were lied to. You'd be happy to walk her through the same, church provided info that influenced your decision. My guess is that she'll refuse. Ask her to respect your agency and be glad you're not a Scientologist. Good luck.

I second StillAnon's suggestion. It is honest, forthright, does not lecture her, and by following this statement, you're standing your ground and setting your own individual boundaries.

You can let her know that you put time and effort into finding what works for you. ( Moms kinda like that) Plus, tell her more than once that you appreciate her as a Mom (if you do) and even throw in a few reasons for this appreciation.

Best of luck......good to hear from you and please let us know how you are doing and how "the" talk went.

Tell her she doesn't need to keep track of what you are doing every weekend. You weren't at church because you were doing something else.

Thank her for being a parent who taught you to be independent and able think for yourself. Promise her you won't be tracking whether she goes to church or not.

Remember the church has her convinced that HER worth and success is dependent on avoiding failures at home (meaning everyone has to play along with the church). If she persists, let her know that you consider her to be successful because you are not dependent on the church. Simply tell her you are taking a break because you are not in agreement with church teachings or that the church does not meet your moral standards. Eventually she will catch on hopefully.

dagny Wrote:
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I was going to post something very similar to what dagny wrote.
I like her ideas. Give it a try.
She's right on target, in my view.

I think your plan is fine. Keep in mind that Mormon moms often take a child's falling away from the church as a personal failure. So I would also tell her that you love her, that she is a great mom, she did a wonderful job raising you, you love your family and want to remain close, *but* you no longer believe the truth claims of the Mormon church.

Keep in mind that if you have younger siblings still at home, you might want to soften the blow so that you do not lose potential access to them. You know your parents best, but this has been known to happen. In that case, you might go with, "I'm taking some time off from church right now."

I have less sympathy for your mom, than the other posters. I figure that your parents and their cult lied to you your entire life, and it's no big deal to lie right back at them for a while. You have a right to worship as you please. It's written in the Mormons' own Articles of Faith, and into the American Bill of Rights. You are an adult. Good grief, you already put in your time on a mission! You don't owe that cult anything.

Choose your battles. Your integrity is important to you, and your happiness. Your mother's feeling are important to you. Maybe the only way you can nurture all your values is to lie to your mother. You might be forced to lie to this person, because she will not accept The Truth about her cult. I like the suggestion that you tell her, "I'm taking some time off from church right now." It's vague. No set time frame. No reasons why. No excuses or apology. It's not personal.

The Mormon church is greedy, and hijacks people's lives and their relationships. Church has nothing to do with your mother-son relationship. Church has nothing to do with the love you have for each other. On the contrary, Nelson and his cult have a distain for unconditional love. Nelson says, "Unconditional love is anti-Christ. It's true that Mormonism has very low standards and morals, due to its focus on manipulating and lying to new recruits, and bullying money and time from its minions, in the name of "obedience" and "doing God's work." It's just a big business. Remind yourself of that, and that you are not sinning, and that the Mormons have no power from God. Your mother is like a hostage victim. You already seem to have empathy for her. By lying, you will be making her life easier. She will catch on slowly.

Actually, that you're taking time off is actually not a lie, at all. A real lie would be to fake it and tell your mother that the cult is true and that you intend on temple marriage to be your next step in your pre-programmed life.

If your personal Truth is that you still believe in Christ, you and your mother can have that in common, if not in words, but in deeds and lifestyle. You could still say the blessing on the food, pray, use Christian words, and be spiritual. If you still believe in family and love and marriage, talk about that. If you want to help others, volunteer doing something worthwhile, other than serving a big business corporation. Cheer your mother up, make her laugh, be happy. Don't be fake if you feel silly giving her too much praise. Be yourself.

Please don't rebel, as that is counter-productive, and even can be self-destructive. You know what I'm talking about.

Keep your own self-esteem on a high level. You have completed college! Congratulations! You are out and living on your own. You have discovered the truth, and are adapting to that change in your life. You care about your mother.

Find out who has been ratting you out, and have a talk with them. You could switch to a singles ward, where no one will report you to your parents. Don't discuss religion with anyone. Change the subject. Mormons are so arrogant, that they think their church is too important. There are so many other things to talk about, think about, to do together, no have in common. Put the cult in its place--it deserves NO PLACE in your relationships, at all.

This, right here.... You cannot win an in-your-face battle with cult member. She's your mom, and since you have not indicated that she was abusive in any way other than raising you in a cult, let's assume you want to keep a loving, respectful type of connection. At the same time, you want to be off her radar so that the relationship does not become a complete nightmare. Set boundaries (tell her she cannot use other people to spy on you); use creative language to describe your beliefs.

Keeping relationships with TBMS is freaking exhausting and they take everything personally. If you have to tell a lie to keep things civil, so be it.

I tried both ways.

My mom was more confrontational and in my face about it. I told her I didn't believe, and this caused all kinds of problems and drama. In her case, I think it would have been better if I just lied about it and let her think I was some sort of inactive.

My mom-in-law was clearly curious and confused about our status with the church, but thankfully she was not as confrontational. I just sort of lied by omission through all her church chatter. She probably thought we still "believed" but were just busy, independent and a bit eccentric. The relationship was strained but better than having what I went through with my mom.

There is no right way, Anonfornowww. Only you know they dynamics of your family and who willing you are to deal with it. The best thing about asking here at RfM is that you will usually see a variety of suggestions and things to consider.

Stupid "family" church! They are effective at producing wedges in families if everyone doesn't play along.

"Good grief, you already put in your time on a mission! You don't owe that cult anything."

I really agree with that sentiment.

When I explained my reasons for leaving to my father, one thing that seemed to get through was that I have really tried to make this work--but it was not working. I just couldn't fit that square peg into the round hole and it just wasn't going to fit, because the LDS Church is not what it claims to be.

It sounds like you have made an honest attempt, but just can't do it anymore.

I know from experience that facing your experience that the prospect of facing down your parents about this subject can be daunting. However, it was also like ripping off an old Band Aid that should have come off a long time ago. In my opinion, this is a conversation that you need to have with your mother, but how it goes from there depends on how you both respond to the situation.

'Cause it's stupid and boring mom!

Something tells me that this much attention being drawn to only a 3-week absence means that she isn't going to simply take this without a fight to bring you back in.

I think you're going to need to set some boundaries very early on. You're an adult and in no way need to explain yourself. You're not doing something illegal. You're simply not going to church.

I would do what you you said and just tell her that you've done a lot of research and study and you've decided that the Church is not for you. If she insists on making a big deal out of it, then let her know that if your choice can not be respected, then any talk of religion is going to have to be off the table whenever you interact.

If she can't even respect that, then you may need to be prepared to tell her that if she won't respect your choice, then she's going to have to deal with you telling her exactly why the Church is bogus, or instead just let her know that she is damaging your relationship with her.

I'm really glad you have a bachelor's degree and are not financially dependent upon your parents. You can do whatever you like. Others here have made great suggestions.

Congratulations, and I wish you the best of luck, but it sounds as though things are already going well for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2018 12:52PM by scmd1.

You have a great approach figured out in my opinion. You know her best but I suspect she doesn't really want to hear the uncomfortable details. Tell her your taking a break because it's not currently working for you but you would be willing to be brutally honest with her if she really wants to hear it.

Why don't you go to Church any more?

...Because I no longer believe in it.

Why don't you believe in it?

...It's not something I want to quarrel about.

You realize that you're breaking our hearts.

...I'm sorry.

Is it about wanting to sin? Were you offended? Did you do
something bad? Yadda yadda yadda.

...Like I said, it's not something I want to quarrel about.
...(repeat as needed)

"Mom, I know what I believe and I don't need to go be reminded of it every week."

I think this can be done over the phone. Just call her up and tell her you haven’t been going because you don’t believe in the church. Don’t qualify that statement at all. Not even to say “no longer believe.” The more you explain the more ammunition you give her.
And I wouldn’t go to her house for an audience with her to do it. It gives her too much power and you don’t sound too sure of yourself. Don’t make it easier for her to shake you. Good luck.

For clarification, “no longer believe” sounds like you used to believe. And if you used to believe you are now confused and just need to be worked on by the missionaries or whomever.

I love the idea of the phone call and saying to your Mom the truth minus any and all explanations. The, "I don't believe in the Church," is honest, simple and sufficient.

In hindsight, I wish I would have had the foresight to have done the same! Just keep it simple and honest with you standing tall and sure of your boundaries.

Exminion's post was amazing......a lot of wisdom packed into those words which he chose so well. I believe if you follow his advice you will not be "led astray"!

Best of luck, and hope to hear from you again.

Whatever you do don't do it at her house.

I recommend laying down ground rules, #1 Be completely honest,
2. remain logical. The minute it becomes more emotional than rational,
next subject.
3. The second it starts being about me or my behavior (it will) discussion over.
4. Nothing changes my relationship with yoy. Its just church.

Then ask real questions and don't expect anything short of real answers and don't quit asking until you get real answers.
Like what questions?
Why didnt you tell me Joseph Smith "married" his followerz wives and teenage daughter?
She will either:

A. Call you a GD liar
B. Claim she didn't know or
C. Claim it doesn't matter

Have link saved to Wikipedia site on wives of Joseph Smith.
If A. You owe me a GD apology.
B. Ask her if zhe never knew why is she okay with having been lied to her entire life?I
If C. Tell her rape and pedophilia and wife swapping matter to you.
Then ask her how she can expect you to sing his praises, knowing what you know about the pedophile whose praises she sings?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2018 10:16PM by koriwhore.

What's the big deal?
Just text her back and tell her "because I'm DONE with Mormonism".

Your mother may not like what she reads but you are an adult and you can pick your own way of life.

The enormous volume of anecdotal evidence available right here at RFM indicates that TBM's are rarely receptive to a departing member's reasons for leaving. A TBM who expresses interest in such is very likely looking to confront, refute, dismiss, belittle, etc.


I think the best approach is some variation of: "It's a private matter, and not open to discussion."