Posted by:
Nightingale
(
)
Date: August 10, 2018 04:01PM
"Our hearts are broken" said Frederickton's mayor after four people in the province of New Brunswick were shot dead early this morning. Among them, two police officers. Not much information has been made public so far. The suspect is in hospital with reportedly significant injuries.
There have been an unusual number of shootings in Canada lately, both back East and scarily close to home for me here in the West. Gun crime stats have been relatively low to date in most places in this country.
This is not about me. But. Watching coverage this morning I was more than usually upset at such news. I reflected that times like this bring me closer to a glimmer of comprehension about what it must be like to suffer from PTSD. How out of the blue previous incidents and reactions, feelings, tears, grief can hit you anew. Because I was instantly transported back to the time years ago when a police officer friend was killed in an accident while on duty. As a victim services volunteer I was called in to the station to help deal with the aftermath. Rough. Among the very most difficult times I have had maintaining composure in order to fulfill my role. Duty first. Tears later. Lots of tears then, through the years, and now. The memories arise unbidden, the leaky eyes again as if it were yesterday.
I lay in bed for many hours after my friend died. So suddenly. So seemingly needlessly. I felt physical pain along with the grief. Or maybe it was all the same thing. I have mentioned it several times here. Only once I think have I described that the pain was so severe and overwhelming, in my chest, like my heart was going to explode, that I actually prayed for relief. (Despite being a Christian for years I never prayed for anything concrete for myself. This time I felt compelled to as it got to the point of seeming literally unbearable). I have mentioned that the pain did immediately ease during my prayer and, of course, as a believer I attributed it to help from above. I can't explain it in physical or real world terms. I was just grateful at the time to get my breath back. Maybe it's a mechanism of strong belief. Or just maybe...
Those feelings and the tears came rushing back this morning and they linger. That's what brought PTSD to mind. Not that I suffer from that but it's a sort of shorthand way I use to express the situation. Not to take anything away from those who truly are afflicted by it. I ruminate about it to try and come to some measure of understanding. Many here are familiar with grief of all kinds. Recently someone posted about people saying "just get over it" (whatever "it" is). Tall order. Not always altogether within one's own capacity.
It's interesting how the body and brain can summon up memories and feelings in an instant. As if they are living entities that reside within. My chest hurts, just like before. I can effortlessly recall walking through the halls at the police station. Silent. Heavy. Dozens of people not making eye contact so we wouldn't break down. Gotta be tough. Don't want your tears or need to weaken others' composure.
Some months ago, an officer was killed on duty in B.C. He had brought his family here from the UK to take up a new job. Obviously, that added to the utter tragedy as he would very likely have been alive still if he had not relocated to Canada. His family came from Scotland for his memorial service. They spoke, as did his children. Their obvious extreme pain was truly heartbreaking but still they told us about their brother and dad, with laughter, and tears. The sorrow from that incident also lingers. It's still often mentioned in newscasts. Maybe that is close enough in time, and pain, that today's sad news from back East has touched me so greatly, not even knowing the people involved. But fellow feeling for others in similar situations is part of being human.
An Anglican bishop is hosting a vigil tonight in New Brunswick (where today's shooting occurred). He said it's not a time for a lot of words from him but just an opportunity for people to gather. He mentioned the God of Comfort. A bit of a hard sell right now, it seems. (You know the refrain: if the incident hadn't happened, no need for comfort. Why could it just not have occurred in the first place?)
"Oh" is an interesting little word. It can express great joy or supreme sorrow. It's also a word in the very short and relatively uninspiring title of our national anthem.
Today, Oh is for sorrow.
Oh Canada. Indeed.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2018 05:14PM by Nightingale.