I have been a member in the mormonchurch for over 20 years and have finally decided to leave this religion. The big problem is that my wife is a very active mormon and I have tried to tell her about all the problems with the church, but she is not listening and just says the church is true and also the book of mormon. So will the leaders in church try to get her divorced from me after I have got out of this church? Anyone who has had similar situations out there?

You use your new free time to pursue and investigate a few of the things you "always wanted to do/try" and make life more interesting.

You go to community and social and public interest groups and get involved. Doing so does put you in contact with many new faces and few of them will ever try recruiting you to a church.

You spend some of the free time reading those books you have heard about but never had the time to read.

A lot do do once you realize your time is YOURS - and is not dictated by arbitrary schedulers and authoritarian types who want your money.

Best of all you have learned how to say NO and NO MORE - so don't be afraid to use it as you move on.

Another poster went through pretty much the same thing recently. His wife left him.
Search for posts by "mightybuffalo" to read about it.

(mb, I hope you don't mind me pointing his search in your direction)

That's not inevitable, some couples make it work and stay together. But it does happen often.

And, yes -- church leaders will put pressure on your wife to either "reactivate" you, or leave you. How much varies depending on the leaders. How she reacts depends on her. And you.

I wish you the best.

No worries Hie.

Franklight,

ificouldhietokolob was right, I went through this recently and it ended up in my wife leaving me. At the end of the day, I did all that I knew how to do at the time to prevent that from happening. Since opening up to her, there are things I have learned that I definitely would have done differently. Here are some things:

1-Don't allow her to discuss the issue with friends and family. Our downfall was that my DW felt she needed someone to talk to. Well someONE turned into EVERYONE very quickly, and before I knew it, her friends and family were sympathizing/validating the idea of divorcing me. WHEN she needs to talk to someone about it, surely she will, get her a therapist, preferably with no personal ties to you or the church. The therapist I got for my wife was LDS and also only validated the idea of her divorcing me. BIG MISTAKE.

There ARE mormons out there that think my ex is crazy for leaving me over my faith change. Unfortunately there are also mormons that would've thought she was crazy if she stayed. That pressure with the brainwashing we all received growing up was too much for her to stay with me. But please take this advice-- towards the end, my DW asked me "Do you think we could ever come back from this? Are we too far gone?" I said absolutely not, but she couldn't imagine telling all the people she once ragged about me to that she ended up choosing to stay with me after all-- the nails in the coffin.

2-Avoid breaking the word of wisdom or other "commandments" until tenderly discussing them with your wife. I made the mistake of deciding alone that I could help myself to a couple of drinks. To her, that was a huge breach in trust. I then got upset that she didn't trust me, yadda yadda yadda. Try something like this if you're no longer interested in living the commandments:

"honey, I've been considering some lifestyle changes now that my faith is altered. I understand that I promised the Lord and you at one point not to do ______/ to do ________ and so I wanted to speak with you first. Would you be comfortable if I (insert commandment you no longer wish to participate it). If not, I understand, but I would ask that you reconsider. Just know that while I don't consider it appropriate to give each other ultimatums, I do understand that these changes might mean more to you than they do to me. You are more important to me than drinking/losing 10% of my income/3 hours of church/whatever which is why I wanted to discuss this first."

3-When you talk about issues with the church, preface the discussions by saying you are NOT hoping to change her, rather your goal is to be understood. I never blatantly attacked the church to my ex, but I also didn't do a good enough job disclosing my intentions. You may feel the need to change her. Don't-- that's the negative attitude that led to my divorce (her want to change me back). Towards the end, I realized that she felt personally attacked with every discussion we had about the church which was NEVER my intention. So, I started (a little to late) to preface our discussions with something like this:

"Just so you know, I have no desire to convince you that you are wrong or that I am right. My only intention is to share a little about what made me lose faith/belief so that you can understand that I'm not leaving the church because of temptation/peer pressure/offense. It is important for us BOTH to know that BOTH of us are valid for feeling and believing the way we do about the church. I am more than happy to pray with you before these discussions. Likewise, I encourage you to share as much as you feel or want concerning the matter too.

Those are the 3 biggest tips I have. Generally, leaders in the church try to be unbiased. However, my wife had a grandpa ex-stake president who was very biased, even though the church manual tells bishops and SP's to NEVER encourage divorce in this situation. So just be weary of that, and go the therapist route. If she argues for a mormon therapist, tell her you're scared that someone would encourage her to leave you and that you'd prefer she saw someone completely unbiased (non-mormon therapists are trained to be understanding, it's not like they would call her crazy for being upset that you changed your faith mid-marriage).

If you'd like to chat more, the mods are more than welcome to give you my email address.

Good luck,
mightybuffalo

I second the non-Mormon therapist. I have seen both sides. You don't want an LDS therapist that is biased in that religion.

...I was able to show my wife the lie of polygamy, and how it was introduced to the elite and higher-ups in the Church as early as 1832. Thanks to Brigham Young and his crew of missionaries, they were able to recruit tons of the Cochranite faithful into the new, fledgling Church. The Church even held two General Conferences in Saco, Maine, (1834/35), because it was so productive. So as you can see by the below links, polygamy was already known and acknowledged by Church officials as being a corrosive factor within the Church as early as 1835, prompting the addition of the "Section on Marriage" addressing the issue. Then came the secretive Temple rituals to which only the select polygamist members had access to. The story always told to my wife was "Oh, it was just during the pioneer trek west when many men were dying, the other men took over the stewardship of the widow and her family." Maybe some, but remember BY from the pulpit stated that polygamy was a requirement for entering the celestial kingdom; (not even mentioned in today's Gospel Doctrine class).

Fairmormon tries to really downplay the connection, but for the more knowledgeable, it fails to deliver.



The date 17 August 1835 is when section 134 was approved by a Church general assembly to be included in the Doctrine and Covenants, note the date it was written.

"Inasmuch as this Church of Christ has been reproached with the crime of fornication and polygamy, we declare that we believe that one man should have one wife, and one woman but one husband, except in case of death, when either is at liberty to marry again"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Origin_of_Latter_Day_Saint_polygamy

https://www.fairmormon.org/answers/Joseph_Smith/Polygamy/Cochranites

"1-Don't allow her to discuss the issue with friends and family."

I realize you didn't mean it this way, but I think you could have phrased this better. "Don't allow her to…" suggests that you're trying to control her.

Just my cent and a half.

Good call- definitely didn’t mean it that way.

You have a tiger by the tail. Don’t yank on it.

Some women will agree to disagree. Some will see this as a deal breaker. Only you know your tiger, or maybe not. Take it real slow. Gradually start doing other family things on Sunday. This is your wife’s worst nightmare, her eternal companion losing belief.

Ask her if the church weren’t true, would she want to know? If she says yes, start with the BoA.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2018 10:20AM by babyloncansuckit.

Based on accounts shared on this board -- sometimes spouses stay, sometimes they leave. Sometimes church leaders interfere, sometimes they don't. You might want to consider having a pre-emptive talk with your bishopric and SP about your expectation for them to not interfere in your marriage.

Thanks for all the answers. This site seems to be a good place to talk with people who lost their faith in mormonism. I live in europe and not so much mormons over here, as in the States..and even less ex-mormons to get support from!

It's a good place. This site can put up with a lot of venting and still stand. Just know that the healing process might take a while and definitely get a non-lds counselor in place. Maybe watch some sir David the bard on YouTube. That guy kept me going like you would not believe.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2018 12:38PM by badam2.

Yes, I think this is a good place for me in right now. People who has been in similar situations, seems to be the most understanding. It´s kind of scary how my faith in the mormonchurch that was so precious before, has become a such burden. It feels like it is alot psychology in this. Writing seems to be good therapy. I discovered that isolating my thoughts for myself in a lifesituation like this is not the best..so I´m happy to be here! Thanks again for all support and the answers on my questions.

Writing is GREAT therapy. Everyone got kind of sick of the tons and tons of posts I wrote for like a year but I needed to do it. It's almost all psychological but for me it is also physical. For me I liken to as climbing out of a mental pit toward the top. Read all the aftereffects of post-cult exit, it does help.

Your wife isn't as critical a thinker as you are. Since she is still immersed in Mormonism you will become the anti-Christ soon enough by your ward, possibly her, and TBM family.

Brace yourself for future storms on the horizon. If, on the other hand, she is a saint filled with virtue and forgiveness, then she may endure to the end with her unequally yoked husband.

Have a backup plan just in case she isn't.

Have a serious talk with your wife about there being only two in the marriage. No one belongs there but you two. Not the bishop, not her church friends. Not anyone but you two.

The second someone has a posse it is over. And Mormon posses are the worst.

What summer said is right. All situations are different and all you can do is lead with love and patience and see where that takes you. At some point you will know if she is choosing the church over you or if you are still number one and too wonderful to give up.

Done with chemo - what happens then?