Rumor 1: President Nelson has confided to the other members of the First Presidency that the Lord has impressed upon his mind the importance of proper brushing and oral hygiene. The First Presidency is now preparing a special message instructing the members to brush at least twice a day, but not more than 3 times per day, except when advised otherwise by a licensed dentist. Toothpaste should be limited to one pea-sized quantity per brushing. Brush firmly, but not to the extent of causing bleeding gums. All-white toothbrushes will be available (at a reasonable cost) in the temples to help remind members that cleanliness is next to godliness. More details are expected to be included in the First Presidency message next month.

Rumor 2: The LDS Church is currently negotiating with the government of Kampuchea (formerly known as Cambodia) to purchase Angkor Wat as the site of the new LDS Siem Reap Temple. It has not been confirmed whether the old worn-down structures currently on the site will all be torn down to make way for the new temple construction, but an LDS spokesman has confirmed that "the weird statues of half-naked dancing ladies will definitely be removed."

Rumor 3: Satanic Industries, Inc. is in talks with leading LDS officials concerning a possible friendly takeover of the LDS Church. Larry G. Lucifer III, executive VP for acquisitions at Satanic Industries, Inc. has confirmed that the current management would be retained in the event of a friendly takeover, saying: "We're totally happy with what the current management has been doing. In fact, they're one of the main reasons why this acquisition is so appealing to Team Satan."

Is this like the NPR news quiz on "Wait, Wait don't tell me"? Pick out the real news story.

Rumor 3 is out because, as everyone knows, there is no Satan.

Rumor 2 is out because it just seems too possible.

Rumor 1 is the real news story.

I actually think the next "revelation" is going to involve the removal or restructuring of their seminary program. If you realize that all the seminary teachers are on the church payroll, then it's the next logical step of trimming down the church.

Only those in Utah or other let-out-of-regular-school programs are paid.

Those in "the mission field" ie: not-Utah have early-morning seminary before school are not paid.

Rumor 4: Intellectual Reserve Inc. is going to make all their intellectual rights free to use by anyone for any purpose and rely on the strength of the parent corporation (of the FP) and its ability to counter any argument or mishandling of intellectual information formerly protected by Intellectual Reserve Inc. using the truth of The Gospel and The Inspiration from The Holy Ghost. They are also in negotiations to sell their copyright for The Book of Mormon to a Canadian corporation utilizing alternative methods for inducing sleep.

Rumor 5: According to my cousin who knows someone who has a friend who works at the Church Office Building, Oaks, Holland and Bednar are actually the Three Nephites! After years of harvesting crops on the sly and hitchhiking around to give warnings, those three decided to get into church leadership where they could really raise heck.

This explains the explosion of prepaid roadside assistance in Utah, compared to previous years, when Utah mormons relied on the Three Nephites for roadside tire changes.

Statistics never lie!!!!!!!