So, if the stories are true, Joseph Smith met one angel who stole some golden plates worth probably somewhere around $785,000 dollars (just based on the value of the gold content alone). God never said that the plates belonged to that angel, but when it came time for Joseph Smith to show the world hard evidence in the form of the golden plates that he had unearthed in a dig that he had done not far from his home, it turned out that the angel had already absconded and taken the plates with him without so much as a howdy-doo.

Joseph had to come up with some face-saving story about the angel taking the plates to heaven. But c'mon, we know that's not what happened. Angels don't take archaeological artifacts "up to heaven". What are they going to do with artifacts up in heaven? (My sources on the inside tell me that Moroni's nickname in heaven is "Sticky Fingers" and, as a resurrected being, he melted down the plates and has been using the proceeds to finance a very lavish lifestyle, spending most of his time in the Acapulco area.)

Later on, Joseph met some bullying angel that apparently wanted to watch Joseph Smith have sex with Fanny Alger and other women, even going so far as to threaten Joseph with a sword in order to bully Joseph having sex with Zina, presumably so the angel could watch. (My same sources on the inside tell me that this angel is the notorious "Porn Angel". He wasn't even authorized to threaten people into committing adultery. He's not a resurrected being, but according to rumors he's a big player in the porn video industry out in California now. He calls himself the "Porn Muse".)

So you have the porn-addict angel and the sticky fingers angel. When it came to Joseph Smith, I don't think the Lard was sending his best angels. Kind of makes the whole restoration project seem a bit suspect--at best.

Any other dubious angels in Mormonism?

That scoundrel, Moroni, also used aliases just to mess with us mere mortals. Up until Joseph Smith's demise, Moroni usually went by the name, Nephi. He also had a penchant for appearing to young boys in the middle of the night but somehow always forgot to put a belt around his robe. I'm sure it was all an innocent oversight and there was no preconceived intention to expose himself to the young lads.

My favorite fairy tale angels, however, are the Old Testament heavenly rebels that swooped down to scoop up the delightsome human females, had their carnal way with them. Thus creating the race of giants!

Gives a whole new meaning to the song "Heaven" lyrics:
"All good boys go to heaven, but bad boys bring heaven to you."

I think it was called "Touched by an Angel".

yeah, on the sinflicks network.

If Freiburg was right, Moroni should have been pretty buff. Like Celestial Fabio. He could lift those plates with one hand. I don’t there was anything kinky going on. He was just heading to the sauna after his workout.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/21/2018 03:53AM by babyloncansuckit.

So angels are too good to shake your hand, but they don't mind grabbing the gold plates you dug for years to find?

Angels, like everyone else in the Kingdom, need to be correlated to avoid embarrassing mistakes like that.

Maybe you can shake your "stick" at them and they will grab it? Then tell your bishop about the whole spiritual experience.

Glinda: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Dorothy: Who, me? Why, I'm not a witch at all. I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas.
Glinda: Oh, well, is that a witch [gesturing toward Toto]?
Dorothy: Toto? Toto's my dog.
Glinda: Well, I'm a little muddled. The Munchkins called me because a new witch has just dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the East. And there's the house, and here you are, and that's all that's left of the Wicked Witch of the East. And so, what the Munchkins want to know is, are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?
Dorothy: Oh, but I've already told you, I'm not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly. [The Munchkins giggle from concealment] What was that?
Glinda: The Munchkins. They're laughing because I am a witch. I'm Glinda, the Witch of the North.
Dorothy: You are?! Oh, I beg your pardon! But I've never heard of a beautiful witch before.
Glinda: Only bad witches are ugly. The Munchkins are happy because you have freed them from the Wicked Witch of the East.
Dorothy: Oh, but if you please, what are Munchkins?
Glinda: The little people who live in this land. It's Munchkinland. And you are their national heroine, my dear.

According to David Whitmer, Joseph Smith said of his own revelations that: "Some revelations are of God: some revelations are of men: and some revelations are of the devil."

{{David Whitmer, An Address to All Believers in Christ by a Witness to the Divine Authenticity of The Book of Mormon (David Whitmer: Richmond, Virginia, 1887).}}

You can basically take that same formula, pronounced by Joseph Smith himself, and substitute any of the supernatural/magical things that he claimed.

Works for "angels". Good angels vs. Bad angels

Works for plural marriages. Good plural marriages vs. Bad plural marriages.

Works for peepstone readings. Good peepstone readings vs. bad ones.