Well, I didn’t think it would come to this, but I think I’m facing the end of my second marriage. At 32.

Time will tell, but I thought I’d ask for some advice. When is “too soon” to talk to a divorce lawyer? I don’t want to be pessimistic, but there are some pretty chronic problems in our marriage that are only getting worse after I’ve tried to address them.

The main problem is he doesn’t listen. At all. And he travels so much for work I see him 4-5 days a month.

I am looking to move to ID (I don’t mind LDS culture too much), but would like to live in a more liberal part of the state that has cheaper property values.

Any advice appreciated.

I don't think it's too soon, especially if kids are involved. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you file. It just means you are seeking legal advice

Not sure you'll find a cheaper part of the state that's more liberal in Idaho.

Rural/small towns tends to be less expensive than cities there.

You can find something still, if you're looking for a fixer upper in SE Idaho cities. Boise is getting very pricey and so is the panhandle.

As for liberal values go, even the morridor is loosening its grip on the population there. But change takes time, and it's still more conservative than the rest of the state.

Please remember 32 is very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. It hurts when a relationship ends for any reason. But things do get better and you will mend.

I've lived all over the state of Idaho. Went to college in Coeur d'Alene and Boise. Born and raised on the SE side. If you aren't from SE there's not a lot there to attract the eye, but it is an outdoorsy paradise if you enjoy the outdoors.

Check out the Bear Lake area for recreation. Housing there is still affordable. Though it's remote access to major centers (a downside.)

Pocatello is *okay.* It's hilly and pretty scenery wise. Idaho Falls is more flat and desert like.

The rest of SE Idaho is either forest, lake or river country, or farmland, a lot of sage brush. Take yer pick.

Northern Idaho is really pretty. Housing prices have gone up all over the state as Californians and others have discovered their money goes further there, so drove up the housing market.

I'm still partial to the SE part, but then that's where I'm from. :)

For how long have you been married? Have you tried counseling for the "not listening" issue? Any children involved?

And lastly, why did you marry him? What attracted you to him?

Please do NOT feel bad that you might have two divorces. I had a regional calling in the LDS older singles, for several years, and second marriages have a bad track record. Usually the couples get married in haste, to "make things right and get on with life." They are desperate (mentally), and they feel they are lucky to find anyone who appears to be half-way decent. Divorced people need to be even more choosy. I was in that situation, too, and quickly married an old boyfriend from BYU, that I assumed had grown up. He hadn't grown up at all, and he never will.

I should have asked myself, "If he's so great, why is he still unmarried, un-engaged, and available?" Well, it was for the same reason I didn't marry him at BYU--he was an inveterate cheater.

When I think I'm a big expert, I tell people with absentee spouses, that they are probably cheating on them. My ex didn't listen to me or his children, or his family. He left us, long before he actually abandoned us. He sneaked away, like a coward, giving me a phone call to tell me, "I just don't want a family anymore. I won't be sending you any money. I don't care what happens to the kids." He moved in live with one of his women.

The reason I'm telling you this is that my second husband had plenty of time to hide all his assets. His TBM parents had me and my SIL sign away all our rights to any property--like a pre-nup--when were both pregnant with our 3rd and 4th child. The law gave me the right to sue for child support, and I received the barest minimum, for the shortest amount of time.

How you act does have to do with whether you have children, or not. If you have children, you need to look out for their welfare. I doubt is he cares much about your children, if he sees his family only 4-5 days a month!

If you have no children--yay--32 is young! There's nothing wrong with you. You just got caught, briefly, in the second-marriage trap, that's all. No one worthwhile will ever hold that against you. Don't date Mormons, and you will probably find someone else--maybe someone who was duped, like you.

"Trying to save a marriage" is overrated! Wisdom will tell you when it is time to cut your losses and move on. I regret trying too hard, for too long, in my first marriage. My husband was beating me almost every day, and staying longer gave him more opportunities to break more bones and do more damage. It was that damn Mormon temple-eternity thing, and fear of shaming my family, that kept me in.

Your happiness (and safety) is your No.1 priority! Your children, if you have them, are an inseparable No 1.5 priority.

If your worse case scenario is to remain single for a few years, or longer--statistics show single women are happier than married women! I would never want to get married again, and I'm happy.

Do it. Christmas is the perfect time. I got that phone call from my ex on Christmas Eve!

One more example of the joke of marriage. The scam of Mormonism pales in comparison.

Leave him and stay away from men. You don't need them. And as you see on the news, and read here, men are abusive and cheaters and don't listen, and countless other problems.

Yet women can't seem to leave them alone.

Crazy.

Who is at fault for bad things happening - the grizzly bear, or those who keep messing with grizzly bears?

Giving up on women has obviously made you a happy man.

Move to Eastern Montana or Western North Dakota.
Tons of jobs available, cost of living is reasonable and few mormons.

North Dakota is way short of workers for all kinds of jobs - not just oil field workers. Every service industry, office and medical field needs people.

Clean air and wide open spaces and few mormons.

I live in the North Central part of Idaho, Latah County. Moscow, ID is where the university of Idaho is located. We are the most liberal county in the state, and I only see Mormons if I go to the doctor (he's a Mormon). And I'm a former Institute instructor adjacent to U of I campus and former Director at Pullman, adjacent to Washington State U. Again, I almost never see Mormons out and about, and I was well acquainted with the Mormons in this area. In short, Mormons comprise only about 5-7 percent of the folks in the area.

But housing isn't cheap. Oddly, it's quite expensive. Just 35 miles south is Lewiston, ID and housing is less expensive there. Across the river is Clarkston, WA and housing there isn't as expensive as Moscow. And Mormons comprise about 5-7% of the population.

I'm not advertising for the Chamber of Commerce, but most folks on the board here only know about Mormony parts of Idaho or Boise. Coeur d'Alene, mentioned by Amyjo is 90 miles to the north of Moscow, and is pricey. Up even further North of CdA, there are few Mormons and it is less pricey to live too. And very beautiful country.

"he doesn’t listen. At all."

If this is the main problem please elaborate... If you said "he isn't nice at all and is abusive" I would say ok you need to protect your well being and leave him, but listening is a skill that can be learned. You need to get him to understand that he's not listening. He needs to put forth the effort and at least acknowledge that he understands that this is what is bothering you. And you need to tell him that.

Unless there is more, then please elaborate....

If you were the same person when you got married the second time, you might have replicated the same patterns that killed the first marriage. If you’re going to start over, give yourself time to decompress and grow into a different person.

“he travels so much for work I see him 4-5 days a month.”

I knew a guy like that. He had several wives on the side.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/09/2018 02:31AM by babyloncansuckit.

Could he change jobs?

Is he put upon by his employer? Are there colleagues who aren't pulling their weight?

At this stage I wonder if counselling might help?

Do you have children? If so moving to a different state might not be as easy as it might be.

Both an attorney here and someone going on his second year of seperation.

My recommendation is to try to resolve anything without attorneys first. It will save you a lot of money, time, and heardache. The reason I am seperated and not divorced is that I want to continue provide my wife with medical insurance.

We have resolved everything to both of our satisfaction. Not courts are involved in any major compacity. So it depends on your marriage. How bad is it? How much anger? Can you guys sit down and have a conversation and figure out the logistics by yourselves?

I've mediated many meetings between people, many of whom couldn't afford their own attorneys. Those who could cooperate had an easy time. Those who fought over everything were miserable. Try to fix it yourself. If you can't, then get an attorney. Or if you think she has an attorney, and is planning against you, then get one to protect yourself.

The way I handled it is a bit governed by my emotional stability. I can't handle watching them grow up Mormon, but I am ok seeing it happen from a distance. So I skype with my kids for 2 hours each week, and talk on the phone each week. We play games, have fun. I also visit once a year for two weeks in the summer. Otherwise, I am a four day drive away. That makes my life easier. The rest, we negotiate over the phone.

It works for us. It reduces pain and makes it easier for the kids and serves all of our needs.

ChurchCo REFUSES to recognize the seriousness of divorce at the same time they give speeches against it.

Divorce: the Elephant in the room!

Different sexes fail to mesh well outside of the fraction of life when they seem perfect for each other. Go easy on yourself with every divorce. This has been a solution for me since 1974. After your first dozen, marriage will cease being a goal. Then the fun begins.

Please tell us which airline he flies for.

The Wendell and Jerome area ? Southern Gooding county and Jerome county. It used to be a beautiful place, very rural and very agricultural. Many quaint little homesteads with patch work fields that were irrigated by corrugates and gravity flow of the water from irrigation ditches. Then came the circular sprinklers, so all of the ditches and the many trees, planted by early settlers, that had lined the ditches, and many homesteads were torn out to accommodate the giant sprinklers. Then came the 1000 to 2000 cow dairy farms (cow crap factories) from California, and the place turned into a series of giant cow corrals with mountains of cow manure. Giant cow corrals all over the place. Cow crap smell and flies everywhere. ...... Still rural and still agricultural, but It ain't like it used to be. Twin Falls county, South side of the snake river is fortunate because they do not have so many dairies.

Well, this thread took a weird turn!

We actually just relocated from Cali to the Midwest. We hated CA (too hot, too many people, too expensive), but it least it was near family.

I hate where we live now. We don’t live in the inner city, but the violence spills over regularly. We hear shots fired weekly and there was a murder in broad daylight a block down the street right after we moved in. Yay. :/

To answer other queries, yes I have told my husband he doesn’t listen. Surprise, he doesn’t listen to that either. He doesn’t make an effort. The last time he did something romantic was two years ago (we’ve been together three).

Lately, he’s just been a dick. To the point where I don’t want to build a dream home with him and enjoy his six figure plus salary.

Unfortunately, he/we also supports my disabled mom. While technically not disabled, I have some health problems that make a 9-5 very difficult (PTSD and degenerative discs among others). I own a small, pretty successful, growing business, but it wouldn't be enough to support myself and another adult, not to mention our three beloved pets.

I’m just fed up. At this point, it would be a relief if he’d just cheat on me (he’s a pilot, btw, so there’s a lot of financial incentive to stick with him, but I hate the thought of a loveless life).

>>We hear shots fired weekly and there was a murder in broad daylight a block down the street right after we moved in.

It sounds like your immediate problem would be moving to a safer neighborhood.

Your husband is putting in a lot of hours into his work. I have to wonder if stress and exhaustion are coming into play. Sometimes when people come together they are coming from two completely different energy levels. As an example, years ago I had a roommate who was not employed and not going to school (she had an independent income, so all was well on that front.) But she was starved for company. I would come home after a 10 hour workday + commute, and all I wanted was some quiet time. But she would be sitting at the kitchen table looking expectantly at me, desperately wanting conversation and interaction. Would it help at all to give your husband some decompression time?

If you do want to leave, obviously you will need to get the financial angle figured out. Any chance you and your mom could live together, and split expenses? How about one or both of you possibly getting disability? Could you work part time?

Husband claims there’s no money to move, despite getting a surprise bonus this year for 7k pre taxes.

Did I mention he’s super cheap?

I would assume you do. Separate the money if he is super cheap so you have control over your money. Figure out how the bills are going to be paid, depending on how much each person, how big of a percentage they pay. I'll never ever again allow a man to control my money. My ex used to make me report down to the penny.

Personally, I think I'd like it if I didn't see my husband when we were together except 5 or so days a month!! I'd like him better.

When I was living with my boyfriend (we no longer live together as we get along better), he worked in California all week and was home on weekends. We got along great then. We argued a lot when he was home all the time.

If there are no kids, like someone else said, get out now.

Idaho. My sister loves the Twin area. She lives in Wendell. Two of her kids live in Jerome. I don't know if the cost of homes is high, but she likes the area because there aren't as many mormons, ALTHOUGH SHE IS ONE.