A perennial topic on this board is that of exmos who feel forced to reduce or go no contact with parents due to a lack of tolerance or emotional abuse. Here is one writer's perspective --

"At our holiday table this winter, no one stalked from the table in a huff or went home crying. My husband and I, my 86-year-old father, our younger daughter, home from grad school, and another couple shared a lovely and low-key dinner. And we have family estrangement to thank for that...

…Deciding to estrange from my mother wasn’t an easy decision. For me, as for most people, it took an exchange so toxic, so far outside the boundaries of what’s acceptable, that something snapped inside me. My older daughter had been very sick with anorexia and my mother emailed me to say her illness was my fault and I should be grateful she was telling me this because it showed she loved me. But I was done with her."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/i-cut-off-all-contact-with-my-mother-it-made-my-life-much-better/2019/01/18/cc454e9e-1529-11e9-90a8-136fa44b80ba_story.html

For a long time I thought I was the only one on the planet who was happier having no contact with my parents and some of my siblings.

Then, as I heard other people talking about their toxic families, I assumed it would be as emotionally easy to cut them out of their lives as it was for me.

I don't know. Families can be great if you get along, but life is too short to feel obligated to toxic people.

"Oh, but I want my kids to know their grandparents." Why, so the kids can experience the same drama and trauma as you?

I was estranged from my father the last 25 years of his life.

My mother? Not so easy. Thankfully she did me the courtesy of dying when I was 38.

Sounds pretty harsh but it is what it is. If you have shitty parents,the best thing is to get them out of your life.

CateS Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I was estranged from my father the last 25 years
> of his life.
>
> My mother? Not so easy. Thankfully she did me the
> courtesy of dying when I was 38.
>
> Sounds pretty harsh but it is what it is. If you
> have shitty parents,the best thing is to get them
> out of your life.

Amen and AMEN

I moved away from my home town of San Diego when I was 27. I stayed in contact with my widowed mother (who had always been difficult, but tolerable at, say, 1,000 miles or more.) When we visited her in the nursing home where she died later that month, she still had enough venom to say something nasty and critical, even in front of my DH.

I never had that kind of relationship with my children, and wouldn't want it. I think she bore a child because my father wanted at least one, but I don't believe that she, herself, did. She told me years later that my father wanted to adopt more children, but she didn't, so I remained an only.

As soon as I was functionally literate, I began storing up things in my memory to use in arguments with her. She hated that. Or I would say, "My history teacher said. . ." to refute something Mother had said.

Her final, spiteful words to me? "You always DID have all the answers." Such a sweet note to wrap up a final memory.

I need to go no contact with my father. He talks trash about my sisters behind their backs (he likely talks trash about me behind my back too), downplays anything I've done or achieved (I have a BA vs his GED, I served in the Navy while he never did) so that his fragile ego gets a boost, almost every Sunday had a fight between him and Mom (my sisters and I hid in the basement during some of the nastier Sundays), he provokes fights with my sisters and I, and any time we call him out on his behavior, he either downplays it ("Don't be offended, I was just joking") or gives a "sorry I came across as mean" non-apology (I think "F**k you!" is a LESS insulting thing to say than a non-apology). I dream of cutting him out of my life and letting the world know what poison he is.

Problem is, despite being TBM and his enabler, I still care about Mom. She raised my sisters and me more than Dad did and I still think she cares about us in some way. She just suffers from the delusion that she can fix Dad's behavior.

At forty-nine, I basically fired my incompetent Mormon parents. It's been twelve years, and I have no regrets. It was the right thing to do, and my biggest mistake was not jettisoning them when I was eighteen. I consider it the greatest failure of my life that I waited so long.

Your life is in no way a failure. You found yourself in a terrible situation and extricated yourself as soon as you were able.

Indeed. It is folly to regret anything about the way you lived your life. You did the best you could in that moment given what you knew and were capable of.

What is the point in beating yourself up over something in the past? Sounds like a mormon problem.

My son and I are definitely comfortable at the "Do Not Contact" stage of our relationship. We entered this stage when I put him outside and locked the door 17 years ago. My son's last words to me were a threat to kill me.

Without our son's presence in our home thefts, threats, physical and sexual assaults ceased. Life improved for me, his mother and his 2 sisters. We could have nice things in the house without fear that they would be converted into drugs. His sisters could have friends to the house without fear of how their brother behaved. My wife and I could leave the house. For a time both parents were required by Court Order to be at the house when our son was present.

Some people question the stance I took with my son. I challenge these people to bring a homeless vagrant from their town into their home. We remember how this went for the Smarts.

On the way home, your guest confides that he doesn't believe in personal property. He will take anything from your home he wishes. Do you continue?

Drug laws limit freedom. He will bring street drugs into your home. He will provide drugs to your teenage son because he needs to experience the "high." Do you continue?

Age of consent law are bogus. He will have sex with anyone in your home he chooses. What's your 12 year old daughter doing tonight?

My son will be 35 next week. I have no idea where he is in Canada. He has been in prison - 12 times that we know of. His child was apprehended from him at birth.

My son has been homeless for these past 17 years. I sometimes wonder when approaching a person on the street if this might be him? Will I be safe?

Sadly, "Do Not Contact" seems to be the best policy.

So sorry for the heartache you’ve endured. A pox on anyone who judges you.

My brother was similar, but not as severe. He left our family’s home under police escort after trying to kill my father. Still the Mormons judged my parents harshly.

[deleted due to double posting.]



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/21/2019 01:18PM by Amyjo.

For the WaPo writer there seems to have been a breakdown in communication between generations, and that is tragic IMO.

Between mothers and daughters, generationally. One mother believes she was helping, but was really driving a nail in her own coffin between herself and her daughter. The younger daughter suffers from an eating disorder the grandmother thought she was helping by giving "motherly" advice which turned out to be less than constructive criticism, and taken the wrong way.

As someone who has suffered with eating disorders in the past, I have learned from therapy that it is associated with our mothers, and their overly controlling behaviors that leads some children to develop anorexia and/or bulimia. What was intended to mean well went over horribly because of a poorly developed communication between mother and daughter.

With my own parents I kept up communication because despite our differences and misunderstandings especially from adolescence; I was able to outgrow that in adulthood. I actually was able to forgive them for their humanity and shortcomings, imperfections and limitations. It wasn't so easy growing up with them. It did become easier for me as I aged and was able to distance myself from them. Maybe it was that distance that enabled me to keep my perspective and accept them despite their shortcomings.

There aren't dress rehearsals for life. What's done is done. When my parents finally were called home to heaven, I was just glad that I was able to have made my peace with them, and had come to a place in my life where I had accepted them for who they were.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/21/2019 01:17PM by Amyjo.

Congratulations on finding a solution that brought you peace for your particular situation.

This was a very intriguing article, and the PhD thesis on estrangement sounds like interesting reading.

What I struggled with was that feeling--if your own parents don't like you, how can you think of yourself as worthy of love?

I wonder too if I had good family support and valuation if I would have been sucked into TSCC.

I think being estranged from the church is probably kind of like estrangement from parents--hard to do but you have your reasons.

Mel, one thing that I've learned as a teacher is that all kinds of people have children -- the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. There are plenty of people who have children who have no business having children. This is not ever the fault of the child who was simply born into a bad situation.

I remember sitting in one meeting with a school social worker. The child in question was the sweetest, kindest, most lovely child you could imagine. He was taken in by relatives at a young age because his mother was so horribly abusive to him. The social worker could not share all of the details, but what she did share would have made your hair curl.

I've seen parents with severe mental illness. I've seen parents who treat their kids like an inconvenience. I've seen drug addicted parents.

Kids who come out of situations like this, and who realize that they deserve better, and pursue a better life, are to be commended. Some parents can't be fixed.

I finally had to end the abuse from my twin sister. I told my brother that my childhood was hell because of her. He said he knew. Everybody knew. But no one can really help. You have to take it upon yourself to say, “Leave me alone forever.”

Kathleen,

That must have been the hardest, best, thing you've ever done for yourself.

I estranged myself from my only sister about 5 years ago. I feel shitty about it every day. I think, "Dorothy, if you feel badly, then you should reach out." Then I feel dread, panic, depression. I can't win. I hope you are feeling more peaceful since your decision.

I thought one of the most important parts of the article was that people didn't tell other people about the estrangement. It's a taboo in our society.

Another interesting point was that people didn't regret the decision. They regretted having to make it. They regretted the circumstances. They regretted not making the decision earlier.

Wishing you peace on your journey.

That's so sad, Kathleen.

I've had to do that with one of my TBM brothers. He is not a twin however. I can't imagine what that would be like to cut off ties with your twin because of her abuse.

My TBM brother made my life a living hell for me where my own children are concerned. He doesn't get what a pariah he is or was, or is still capable of being. He is passive aggressive to the hilt.

It was easier to stay close to my dysfunctional parents than it has been my over zealous TBM brother who has no boundaries. Some of my TBM nieces and nephews likewise exhibit poor social skills. I've made a conscious decision since my other TBM brother's funeral to have little to no contact with them because they are hurtful and toxic anyway.

It's sad when it's family, but blood is not thicker than water.

My only daughter suffers from BPD. The TBM brother who wreaked havoc with my children contributed to her malaise. For that I hold him accountable, because he is my brother and knew what he was doing when he was doing it. He's self-righteous, smug, and twisted.

When he dies I struggle with will I go to his funeral or not (should I outlive him?) Because he was my baby brother I looked after when we were children. As adults he has become someone I no longer want to know. He's mean spirited with a smile. He cannot be trusted.

So the "evil twin" isn't just a cheesy trope of popular fiction.