The older I get the more bored & frustrated I get NOT dealing with "The Elephant" in the room at TBM Family gatherings etc.

Especially when seemingly normal (if there is such a thing with TBMs) adult conversation quickly & simply turns to anything & everything about "The Church".

Lately we've just been dismissing ourselves early from the get-togethers when it devolves to that point.

Any suggestions on how YOU otherwise personally handle it diplomatically & maturely would be greatly appreciated.

Or so it seems to me...

It's hard to tell.

Many will never wake up.
Most can't stand the truth.
Limited capacity imaginations, dreams and discussions.

Hopefully someone knows.

This is something I have struggled with since before I left the church. People in my family cannot carry on conversations without referencing the church in some way. I have concluded that the church is so hard wired into their brains that they simply can't discuss anything (or think about anything) without framing it within the context of the church. Occasionally I can discuss scientific things with one of my brothers as long as it doesn't venture outside the mormon view.

I have tried to bring an outside perspective to conversations that veer down the mormon path but I am quickly reminded of my "apostate" status and dismissed. It is excruciating and I have bitten my tongue so many times it's full of holes! I am to the point now that I don't want to spend any time with them (which I can get away with because they live 800+ miles away).

(I live very far away from all of them.)

So when I am with them I try to make the most of it by focusing on topics of common interest.

And, since their TBM-ness is a huge part of their lives, I don't have to fake being interested in that aspect of their lives. I don't fake believing in it. But there's plenty of other levels to talk about. After all, they're in a big, demanding organization (sort of like working for a big corporation), so I can commiserate with their heavy workload and stories about the irritating people they have to work with and such.

When the conversation gets too cult-like to endure (like gushing about the latest edict issued by the Grand PPSR Nelson), I subtly try to steer it back to something more real-world, such as: "Hey, that Nelson is really working hard" or something like that.

If I diplomatically go with the flow and don't roll my eyes and scoff and snort, they often forget that I have zero faith in Mormonism. As a result, it's not unusual that someone in the conversation will unintentionally give me a perfect set up for a thought-provoking zinger that blows through all of their defenses and leaves them shaking their head in agreement, as they try to figure out if there is any space left on their shelf to stick it so that they won't have to think about it anymore.

For a while I would have a list of topics, current events, new books,whatever that I thought we could talk about besides church and Mormon family. Fell flat every time. I gave up. Goodness knows I gave it my best shot.

I go home out of duty. I still care about my elderly mother very much, but trying to keep a conversation going is hard. I always relate this situation with Mormon family to the Luke Warm that Jesus was talking about spitting out. Give me the hot or cold but this "In-Between" life you talk about is pretty tepid all right. I see I am in great company here on this thread.

I always claim my flight out is much earlier than the one I can get actually is. Sitting in the airport is a relief. I tell them my work schedule is too hectic to stay for long.

Been doing it for forty years. Doesn't get any better. I don't haver any advice. You just do what you need to do out of love. Always clearing the table and doing the dishes while they chat in Mormonese helps me be "in the family but not of the family."

I do say something provocative once in a while--not offensive to Mormonism, but something just to remind them that I am not on the same page as them. They need to be thrown off balance just a touch. It's like salt on food that needs help.

We were never very close, so the loss was not terribly severe.

I now have no contact with TBMs and I like it that way.

I don't like being around people who think I don't know my own mind and who expect to preach at me.

Live your (the) truth. Someday they may follow (It's not as much against Mormonism as much as against THE FALSE [same thing]). Good luck.

Skip events, leave early, discuss other things (with anybody that may be interested/ interesting [it's possible]), Start conversations - discussions in Mormons rarely ever happen or go anywhere - everywhere! Keep fingers crossed.

How to handle it with family and friends not dealing with "The Elephant" in the room?

Give up any and all expectations that they will deal with it. Don't give up your expectation with any sense of being a martyr, or any sense that they "should" deal with it. Stop being irritated when they talk about the church. And, for heavens sake, don't feel all condescending when they do talk about the church.

Instead, be interested in their lives. Ask about their kids, their work, their hobbies, their health, their vacations. Make your family gatherings be about love, bonding, reconnecting, laughter, and good food. Don't turn their interest in their church into a wedge of your creation. Love.

I have little in common with my remaining TBM family members.

Except for seeing them at funerals these days, we really don't have much to talk about.

There are some cousins I consider close to. Otherwise, for as large of a Mormon family there is, it is really sad that it's only the cult that holds them "together."

That's their glue. If you took that away they got nuthin to fall back on.

Some of my cousins and one brother have left TSCC. The cousins I still get along with who are TBM are more like me ie, we share common attributes in personality & identify more like sisters than cousins. Since I don't have any living sisters, I embrace that. We're close in kinship..

(anono this week)

This is a big issue that I deal with as well. last year one of my family reunions went off into the topic of how apostates/inactives will regret all our lack of participation in the cult and how selfish we are, etc. How do you get mad when they are the ones serving the food?

But for me it's compounded even more by the great divide between being single and married. All my tbm family are perfect, literally and don't relate to diversity. And also I don't know quite how to get along with families very well. And they really do cluster around themselves and leave me standing at the punch bowl. I have no where to sit (literally). After enough of this shit I decided I wasn't welcome anymore.

I just don't go to family gatherings.

"How do you get mad when they are the ones serving the food?" MacaRomney is right.

Change your attitude, and keep changing it, every few seconds, if you need to, and, yes, keep your eyes from rolling.

Mormon relatives are a conundrum. You can't lump them all together, and each gathering is different, too.

I have been working on this for 10 years, now, and I've learned which relatives/activities to avoid, and how to make some of them even enjoyable!

My TBM older brother abused me, and a nephew stole money from me and others. I avoid them, and want to protect my family from them.

I have a group of girl cousins, who have all left the cult, and we are almost as close as sisters.

One side of my family are "Mormon Royalty," and they are the worst. They like to brag about themselves and their church callings, missions, bla-bla. Actually, these people were pretty easy, at first, because I just gave them what they wanted: someone to listen to their boasting. I never had to answer any questions, never had to tell them how I was doing, never had to contribute to the conversation at all. After a few years of this, I felt used, and phony. No one cared about me at all. The reunion was at a resort, and the food was good, so I started playing with the kids. They appreciated my supervision, and keeping them happy, so they could gossip and yak, without interruption. Win-win. When my kids got older, they refused to go, and I went alone a couple of times. Yeah, single people are just "extras." It depends on how you feel. When I started feeling awkward, and like no one knew me or cared, I stopped going.

Funerals and weddings are sort of the same. Why are you there? You probably want to honor the deceased and give condolences--so do just that. No, it's not a gossip-fest. After years of enduring funerals alone, and listening to the POS (Plan of Salvation, not the other "POS") sermon, that says I'm going to be alone in the hereafter, too, I decided to take my dignity and joy back--I refuse to be preached-at my Mormons! I go to the viewing, and not the funeral. I can wear pants. I sign the register, so they know I was there, if they care. I go through the reception line, and then out the door. I also write a brief note on the funeral website, if there's one.

Weddings, you might enjoy, if you have a spouse to go with you. For me, it was another trap for me to be single in a couples world. I usually MAIL a present. If I must, I go through the line, and go home.

I won't go to sit-down dinners, or situations where I'm stuck in one place with people, and can't leave, when the conversations get Mormon-y.

I go to several Mormon open houses, which are OK, because I can circulate. I usually go with someone, so I can talk to the people I'm there with. I like to say things like, "It's a party--let's not talk about work or religion. Aren't these decorations pretty...."

One yearly Christmas open house is hosted by my awful TBM ex-in-laws, and I go to be a good sport, because my children want me to go with them. I really do care about my kids' cousins, etc, and have a good time. But--they are always pressuring my kids and me to come back to church. So, I leave as early as possible, because there's another open house to go to. If you want to leave early, it's best to arrive on time.

I know what posters mean about having scripts or dialogs. That helps build confidence. It also puts the party into the category of an interesting "challenge."

Finally, what helped me most of all, is to define the boundaries and goals. How far do you want to let these people into your life? Is it really necessary for you to have a conversation with these people? Is your goal to make them understand you (I hope not)? Is your goal to help them break free of their brainwashing (I hope not). Give up trying to change them. Also, give up trying to please them. They will never like you as much as they did when you were Mormon. Yeah, that's depressing. If it's too depressing, that's not good, either!

I have had some bad experiences, which I will spare the telling, but In the worst of times, I had a secret weapon. I would plan something for after the party, usually with a good friend, or with my own family, or even with the pets. I would have that to look forward to, when the family reunion was OVER. Include wine, coffee, chocolate, favorite treats, a movie, a hike, or whatever grounds you and makes you feel whole and at peace, again.

I actually look forward to that once-dreaded Christmas open house, because the party afterwards is so much fun!

I had to go to a Mormon party last weekend, and a Mormon asked me, "Are you still active?" I answered that, yes, I still do yoga, and cross country ski, though I can't downhill ski anymore...." The person I was with burst out laughing!

I have a fun ex-Mormon friend, who loves to confront Mormons, socially. Whenever one of them says, "Let's do lunch, and get together sometime," she takes out her i-phone and starts scrolling in her calendar, and says, "Thursday's good for me, how about Thursday at noon!" The person who had no intention of ever "getting together" starts to squirm out of it.

Whenever a Mormon says to my friend, "We miss you at church!" She replies, "What, exactly, do you miss?"

Be patient. It takes trial and error to figure out the TBM situations you can handle, and those that depress and upset you.
Sometimes, you can tolerate TBM's in smaller doses. I have one yearly TBM family get-together, that I opt to go to every other year, due to a conflict of interest. They know that in advance.

If you are going to leave early, or are dropping in only to say hello, tell the hosts in advance. I do that a lot.

I like the idea of having an "after-party"! With wine!

Make yourself the go to devil's advocate.

My TBM family goes to me when they want a fresh perspective. Their so used to everything being special that they welcome a pragmatic view point. As long as I don't speak ill I get to voice my perspective.

It goes something like this.

Hey Nate. What do you think of this thing where missionaries get to call home every week?

Me: I think it's about time. I'll bet there were quite a few missionaries who felt anxiety about the fact that they were already chatting real time with their family each week.

Hey Nate. What do you think of the new Ministering Program?

Me: Same game, different name. Although I do see some benefit in re-branding a perpetually stagnate program.

Hey Nate. What do you think of this whole Mormon nickname thing?

Me: I think Russ took it a bit far when he said that Jesus was offended, particularly since other prophets didn't have the same qualms as he did. But it is his church so he can call it what he wants. (They know me as a bit sarcastic so I just need to deliver it with a bit of lemon)

Excellent topic. Unfortunately, I cannot add much to it. I don't have this problem. My whole family; kids, ex-wives, their kids,etc; is out of that soul sucking fraudulent entity.And I apologized to all of them for what part I had in their indoctrination into that life wasting organization.
When I do go to funerals, civic meetings or social gathering, or any interaction with them, "they" don't talk about "the church".We're usually too busy with the other topics at hand...