Hi, I posted here a few days ago about learning the church was not true and worried about my husband (who then still believed) and 4 children.
Well there is no worry about my husband anymore, his eyes have been opened and we are both reeling.
This is my problem:
In my last post I said I didn't hate the church. Well oh my GOD. I hate it now. I can barely sleep--the second my head hits the pillow, my mind is thinking of all these things--how I believed a lie my whole life. I dedicated my whole life to the church. It gave me a purpose. Getting to the 'celestial kingdom' was my sole purpose in life! Everything else was secondary. Now I am totally lost.
Also I hate to be alone now. I used to love being alone. Now when I am, I feel so, so alone.
I read the book of mormon EVERY DAY for YEARS because I was promised blessings. I was so, so faithful. And it's a WORK OF FICTION.
Often when I think of these things, I begin to hyperventilate/cry/want to scream/pull out my hair. Last night my husband literally drove us out to a remote area so we could both scream. It sounds dramatic but..we really needed it.
And my family!! My parents really believe. My brothers and sisters really believe. They will think I am lost. This will put a wedge between us. What kind of cruel church is this, that separates families in this way????
How do you guys get over this? How do you get 'ok' again? Will I ever be? The church messed up my mind so bad. Will I ever stop being scared to be alone, especially at night? My husband will be working graveyard shifts in less than a week and I will be alone all night, I can barely stand the thought of it.

I have been a praying person all of my life except for a time when I went agnostic during my late teens. So whether I was in the COJCLDS or out (I've been resigned since 2005,) I still pray every single day for guidance and comfort.

God did not leave me when I left TSCC. I needed to leave TSCC to realize that God is bigger than the inside of a cult. And that there I was in a spiritual vacuum.

TSCC wants you to believe it is the only way to eternal happiness. Which is one of the biggest lies it feeds to its members. Your duty is always to the cult first. Joseph Smith is on equal footing with God the father. What creepy kind of church would teach that doctrine, except for a cult?

God needed to pull the rug out from under my feet of Mormonism for me to realize that IT was a MIRAGE. And that I was still standing on SOLID ground after leaving it. God is still here and still loves and cares for his children. For some unknown reason my ancestors were led into the cult believing in its silly nonsense. But I thank God for giving me enough sense to guide me out of it.

If it's truth and wisdom you are looking for you will not find it there. There is no promise of "happiness" when finding truth &/or wisdom. But sorrows. Be prepared for some fallout. Yes, your TBM family isn't going to understand why you left. They're still brainwashed and may never wake up. But you do, and that is enough to thank the Creator for giving you a good mind to find your way out of the darkness of a cult.

As for being alone, make sure you have a security system in place. That's just common sense. Take precautions. And be alert and vigilant to your surroundings. Isn't that all any of us can do? I've been a single mom since my children were babies. Now they're grown up and on their own. I have a dog, security system, and keep night lights on when I sleep at night. My alarm company calls if anything is out of place to check on me. It isn't expensive at all but gives me peace of mind.

And I still am a praying person. Not everyone on this board is, but I still need to feel a loving God's reassurance in my life. I find that through prayer. I got rid of my Books of Mormon, but still keep holy bibles in my house for scripture reading now and then.

((((hugs))))



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/07/2019 10:02AM by Amyjo.

thank you for your response. I think I am a little needy at this time. :) I am not ready to think about God or praying or anything even resembling any sort of religion at this time in my life. Maybe some time I will turn to prayer and find some sort of God or higher intelligence, but for now, no.

I understand. After Mormonism it tends to have that effect. I haven't been a joiner since leaving. Just attending various denominations over the years.

When I learned I'm fully Jewish by chance because of being born to Jewish mothers ... well, I don't need to convert to Judaism to 'belong.' So that has been my worship home of choice these past few years. That and because it feels like a fit and that I belong there.

You have had a major shock to the system. Major! Of course your mind is pulling everything out of every drawer in your brain, examining it, and is going to sort it and put it back in a new order. Of course you feel this way.

What you are going through may not feel good but it is a positive. You will soon feel even better than when you gave your home a good spring cleaning.

Perspective will come in time to make sense of it all and comfort you. It is too soon to expect to feel anything less than what you are feeling.

I am thrilled your husband found out as well. You should celebrate that. As you read here you will see how many couples have been torn apart. It does get better. And better.

Life is so much better with a nice side of honesty.

Thank you. Your words are very comforting.

What you are feeling is unfortunately quite normal. When I finally accepted I was a victim of this fraud it consumed my thoughts continually. While driving to work I would think of it. While fly fishing in the beautiful mountains I could not stop thinking about it. This lasted a couple of months. Then one day on the way to work and walking to my desk I dawned on me I was not so obsessed anymore. The anger was still there when I intentionally gave Mormonism a brief thought, but it was not consuming my mind any more. For me, it took a bit of time.

Hang in there. It will get better. That is why this site exists. I am the founder. Glad to have you here. It is cult recovery. It sucks now. You will be fine.

thank you for creating this. And for your words. Recovery support is really needed for this, as my husband and I are finding.

Thank you everyone. You are all right. Behind the anger and fear, there is excitement and joy and freedom. I can wear cute underwear, I can drink coffee and alcohol, I can say any words I want, I can watch R rated movies, I can do whatever I feel like on Sunday..the list goes on. I'm so happy I can explore the world in complete freedom now. And you are all right too, I am so lucky that my husband is coming with me. All very good things. I will try to focus on the positive.

Just think of it this way - you've doubled your weekend and given yourself a 10% raise!

Amyjo and Done & Done have given some good opinions and thoughts. It really is a shock to wake up from a cult. That is a great thing that both you and your husband left together. You'll need to rely on each other as best friends; those strangers in the ward and stake are not true friends. I can empathize with you because my husband worked graveyard for several years. You chose to live with truth instead of living a comfortable lie. There are many who can't make a life changing decision like that. All of my immediate family is out except for our oldest daughter and her husband. We get along, but I'm hoping for the day when they will wake up. So happy for you that you're out; you just have to be prepared and realize there will be shunning, there will be lonesome times, there will be times when you will wonder if it was worth it, but I can tell you it is so worth it. You have just tasted freedom. "And the truth shall make you free".

I think this stage is called “falling down the rabbit hole”. Yes, you’re not crazy and yes, you’ll be okay. It will take a while. I think I answered your question in your previous thread.

Mormonism sells you what you already have. You were born with it, but they make you “earn it” to extract money from you. Devotee religions are a way of accessing the divine, but the LDS variant comes at a high cost. There are other ways than the devotee way, and much lower cost options if that’s still your thing.

Your immediate problem is the collapse of your identity. It just disappeared. Gone. Like walking out to a parking lot and finding your car stolen, except there are no police to call. You have to rebuild an identity, which is not easy.

My life was turned upside down. I needed therapy. I couldn’t afford therapy so I grew mushrooms, but discussion about such things is against board rules. But I’m fine now. It only took seven years or so. It was crazy tough, unraveling all of that. Mormon thinking is so pernicious. Most board members are still afflicted with some of it. The same thinking that made you a “good Mormon” is now causing an autoimmune response and major inflammation. You have to unlearn the Mormon scripts that are causing it. I went through Atheism, I picked apart religion, I found God again. If you’re feeling down, try watching comedy or NDE videos depending what mood you’re in.

Anyway, it’s not you. It’s them. That should be a comfort. Be grateful for what you have and that your eyes have been opened.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/07/2019 10:37AM by babyloncansuckit.

I see the hoops and mental gymnastics my wife is struggling with, and my angry inner voice is shouting, "You don't have to put up with this!"

I'm a nevermo and I felt it (still do at times) for my wife who still desperately wants to believe everything the church teaches.

If that's what I'm feeling as a non-member pushing back against conversion attempts, it's no surprise that you feel the way you do after having lived it.

You have been in love, passionately, with a fiction, a fairytale. It has kept you in a perpetual state of immaturity.

Now you have, very suddenly, matured. Life is now reality. It is scary but it is real.

Soon you will learn to stop fearing reality. When you have truth as your guardian you will realize that it is fantasy that should have scared you rather than reality. With reality you know exactly upon what you stand. There is now earth beneath your feet and not clouds of immortal nothingness.

You once believed in a fictional book, a fictional prophet, and a fictional eternity. It is now time to look at and embrace non-fiction. Put your energy into reshaping your world view. It is an awesome view because it is true, real, and will not change with the whim of a mortal man who claims super powers. You are the super power because now you are the mistress of your destiny.

How lucky you are to have a mate who stands by you. Many here would give almost anything to be in your shoes as they have lost their once loving spouse. You have a partner to stand by you. Hold onto that and let the extended family choose their own path. You know what yours must be.

Come out of the fog and embrace humanity with all its flaws and scars. Humanity is real but not always pretty.

You've just grown up in an instant of sudden clarity. Take a deep breath, hold onto your hat, and start enjoying the rest of your life without the burden of walking down a road with your eyes diverted by the perverted.

Relish what you have found. Don't fear it just because it is new and different.

You will find your way one step at a time. Bravo and best wishes.

try jesus OPie ~

https://youtu.be/HMzZYkEGywI?list=PLMdRLqaXxozoRDu47nzyO_wJeqOh7ihSj

We all got through this a day at a time as you are doing.

Someday, you'll need to give up on the past and be glad for the time you have left to enjoy life free of mormonism.

I met a lady who was eighty years old and had recently left mormonism behind. She said, "At least I'm free now. I think I'll enjoy a cocktail, my first one ever. What would I like?"

I think I suggested a strawberry frozen drink and it was fun to talk to her as she sipped.

You're free. That's the good news. You're saving you children which is also good news.

I understand the feeling the lonliness. It's something we learn to live with. Good that you have a husband and children. The should help. They are what counts.

That is such a cute story

Hello BJClarke, You are fortunate your husband was willing to look at the problems with church claims and it's history with you. My wife and I are very polarized over our differences about the church. She claims some things are just too sacred to question. I happen to believe that nothing is so sacred that it can't or shouldn't be questioned. I am very curious though to know how you came to discover the information that the church tries to keep from it's members if you don't mind sharing.

Hi Felix, I don't mind at all sharing. It has been gradual. It started with little things. I hated garments and would often not wear them. I wanted to have more than two piercings and I wanted a tattoo. And then I found out that the church teaches you not to do these things, but actually, you can do them and still go to the temple, etc. It just seemed so controlling to me that they would do that. And then, at a key time of my life, I received a blessing from my husband, and it did not come true. I had had SO much faith, and that experience started to make me bitter. I had read the b o m every day for years, and after that, I stopped. I told my husband it was boring, I was tired of reading it, I never got anything out of it, and I was done. I still believed though.I don't want to make this too long, but one day I was feeling guilty about all this, and then, suddenly I snapped. I said to myself, I'm not going to let the church make me feel guilty about anything anymore. I went to the computer and looked up how to leave the church, and eventually this lead to the CES letter. So.. That is my story:).

DON'T HATE the church. It is an INANIMATE OBJECT! It can neither think,feel nor speak. Perhaps your anger could be better directed toward the INDIVIDUALS who have taken power and seek to enslave your mind and will.

I guess I was a little emotional when I wrote that, but still, I think you know what I meant when I said I hated the church. The organization, the teachings, the people in power, the founders, all that was meant to be included.

RfM is a great place to hang out on sleepless nights. You'll actually have a lot of company here.

>> "How do you guys get over this?'

I don't think its "getting over it" so much. More like going on with it.

Am I "over it" as in it never enters my mind so as to cause me discomfort? No.

Do I go on "with it" as in its in my past and part of my life in peripheral ways, but it no longer causes me anguish and stress or anger? Yes. Very much so.

Hello BJ,

I have only been completely out a few months and as you can see, there is great experience here, great people willing to share.

I have posted questions and saved and printed out all the answers that were posted, so I can read and re-read them, I've found that really helpful. Maybe on dark nights you can re-read some of these helpful posts, to keep the fear at bay.

A very wise poster advised me that "Time, Space, and Distance" will help, and they do.

I agree as Babylon said, I had to create a new identity. Time, space, and distance--you'll get there. :)

"My parents really believe. My brothers and sisters really believe."

Reminder: Up until a few days ago, you thought your husband "really believed" too.

Maybe your family are genuine true believers… or maybe some of them are putting up false fronts to keep the peace, or because they're afraid of the ramifications, not to mention the implied threats of the church.

Now you have the chance to be the brave pioneer, figuring out an authentic post-cult life, free to make your own decisions. You can show them the way. A few may in time follow you, or not, but in any event you have each other's back.

It only takes one spark to light a fire.

Wow, I am so impressed with how quickly your family has come to this very difficult realization! It took me years. Even so, I have had some similar reactions to things you describe. It is like... I don't know, like realizing you've been emotionally and mentally raped for years. And now... what? Your life planning has been sabotaged.

And, like you, I'm the only one in my family to leave. They are actually really good about it, but they don't want to understand, so I can't share with them all the really exciting breakthroughs that I wish I could.

Here are a few things that have helped me in processing.

1. Find an in-person PostMormon support group or individuals. If you are in Utah this shouldn't be too hard :-). It's hard for anyone who hasn't had a similar experience to really understand the transition out of the Church.

2. Visit imanexmormon.com. I listened to all of these videos and it brought me so much peace. Just hearing other people speak of their own experiences is soothing, helped me not feel so alone.

3. Realize there are some good things-- all those things about insight and prayer and the scriptures? Those are evidences of the power of your own mind and spirit, not something external. You haven't "lost the spirit," you have taken this power back from the church for yourself.

4. Find an inspiring book to replace the Book of Mormon. Philosophy, mathematics, a deep and well-written novel-- doesn't matter, but give yourself something awesome to ponder.

5. Find another group of people-- a sport, a cause, anything-- with which you can work towards a goal with other real people. For me, it is Jiu Jitsu. A funny replacement for Church, but what an improvement!!! :-)

Good luck on your journey!!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2019 10:40PM by alyssum.

Thanks so much for all your advice! Unfortunately, I live in Canada, in a very small town where everyone knows everyone. There are no ex Mormon support groups here. I really wish there were! My husband and I are actually selling our house and moving because of this though. Hopefully in our next area we can find some sort of support.

I saw that you were selling your house. I would recommend not making any major decisions for 3 to 6 months. We obviously don't know all that is happening so this may be wrong advice. You are emotionally vulnerable at this time. I live in a heavy evagengelical area. It was not easy making new friends as were no longer religious. I started a u12 girls soccer team my daughter played on. I kept the same group for 6 years. Then back to music which I gave up during my Mormon years. Get active in something you enjoy. You will meet people that way. I'd like to write more but on vacation. Be careful.

Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately our situation is very awkward. We own our house, and my TBM parents live in our basement suite. Just a short drive away are my husband's TBM mom and family. Staying here, there is just too much pressure from family and friends to stay in the church. I don't want my parents or my MIL to try to keep my kids going to church or try to keep brainwashing them. We really feel a need to get away and start fresh. However, it won't be for several months, because some things just take time.

My family life and stress levels have gotten so much better after leaving. They kept me so busy and took my money too. I hope you are an example to any other family members who are thinking about leaving.

Most of the people on this board, if not all of them, were the devout mormons, the ones who really believed and LIVED IT. My leaving was very traumatic in that in letting go of the church, it ended my marriage as my husband is gay. Still married, but "separate" for 23 years. I live a life exactly opposite of who I was up until age 38 or 25. Age 25 is when I found out my boyfriend/soon to be husband was gay. My beliefs died soon after. I couldn't come to terms with the idea that God would "make" someone gay and then say he was damned (which is what they taught in 1983). He had to change. I knew he couldn't deep inside, but they told me he had to.

So it started me out on a lifetime journey. I went inactive when they told me he would be once of the next 2 bishops and he was cheating on me. He was ex. sec. at the time. I went inactive. I started my journey out though back at 25. I married him because we just didn't know what else to do--but we NEEDED DESPERATELY to have those leaders out of our lives. They were destroying ME. He'd already been damaged bad enough having to deny who he was and living a double life.

We will never fully recover and I've come to accept that. Our kids will never fully recover.

My concern for you is the fear of the dark. That is how I felt after I found out he was gay. I had to move home so I wouldn't be alone at night. Well, I still had an apartment, but I went home. I would read scriptures at night as I was so afraid of the dark. YOU ARE DEPRESSED. You need to go get on something or talk to someone, a therapist.

If you have to stay alone, keep the lights on, crack a window. I'd say you are having panic attacks. Go outside and sit in the fresh air if necessary. Shockingly, I could do that in the dark. Being inside was just too much to handle. Are you suicidal at all?

I just went through my mormon daughter getting married in the temple and my aunt giving me a play by play of the temple marriage including 55 steps to the sealing room. Have you been to the temple--I assume you have. Thinking about it, how did you really feel about it? Have you denied how you really felt about teh temple? So my aunt sent me into a tailspin of PTSD. That's another thing. You may be experiencing some PTSD.

What I finally told her (and her family is so sickeningly mormon that I didn't like them when I was very devout) that I had put more trust in the leaders of the lds church than anyone in my life and they had BETRAYED ME.

I do pretty good until someone decides to save me again. My aunt has tried over and over again. My daughter has.

I'm lucky. My parents listened. My dad wasn't too mormon. I'd never call them both TBMs. I thought our family was different than lds families and I was going to do it right when I had a family. Found out that our family was pretty normal compared to the TBM families. My parents saw my life blow up. I was their most devout, the one they never worried about as I had it so together. They'd argue over whose fault it was I left (per my sister). But they listened and then they talked about their own issues with the lds church. My daughter is the ONLY mormon of their grandchildren and great grandchildren. Of course, my daughter.

I do pretty good, but even the neighbor kids inviting me to the Christmas party will be difficult for me.

Thing is it does get better. It gets a hell of a lot better. I am no denomination. I'm not sure what I believe. I tend to believe in an afterlife. My parents are both dead. I don't pray to God, I talk to my parents and I feel they are listening. I have as many premonitions now (if not more as I don't base them on mormon teachings) as I had when I was mormon. It bugs my daughter A LOT that I am capable of this as I'm so unclean. I am in a long-term relationship with the nonmormon I wanted to marry at 20. We reconnected when I was 47 and I'm 61 now. I'm an apostate adulteress. I decided to quit worrying about what I believe. I celebrate Christmas as a tradition. I put all my heart and soul into it. I feel a deep connection to my dead parents and grandparents and even my cousin who was 3 days older than me who died when was 37 and her mother, who I was close to.

Now my beliefs don't have to be based on mormon teachings. They are ALL MINE.

AND the thing I learned right off from reading here is that I didn't have to respect church leaders. In fact, I could despise them if I so choose. And I do. Why do my husband and I find ourselves here in this situation? Them. My experiences with church leaders are probably here, too.

Sorry so long. If you have a fear of the dark, you need to find some help. 10 mg of Prozac does it for me.

wow. Thanks for your reply. It's given me a lot to think about.

Yes, the church's teachings on gay people was one of the items on my shelf.

I hear you. I am never letting anyone else, ANYONE, tell me what to think or believe about anything again! I am so excited to have the freedom to form my own ideas and beliefs about things.

Yes I think they are panic attacks, but already it is getting better. I do think I need therapy, yes for sure and I mean to look into it. Thank you.