Have you encountered TBM members of your family who turned ice cold for some unknown reason against you without cause?

Since my TBM brother's funeral last fall I saw an immediate shift in his RM children's behavior. They had been somewhat civil to me over the years. But at my brother's funeral there was a paradigm shift where the gloves had come off and they turned ugly and hateful.

I am still left speechless wondering why. I have no answers. I did not ask questions because I was there to mourn my brother's passing. I was not there to be subjected to whatever it was be it shunning or ostracism or just outright hatred toward me that they'd been holding in for years because that is how their mother has been toward our side of the family for as long as she was married to my brother. She kept it in but groomed her children to be like her.

At the funeral there were two showings. First, for our side of the family. And then second, for hers. She didn't want to mix with us even at my brother's funeral.

I made a correction on my brother's obit page at the funeral home guest book because his own family didn't know where he had been born or his birth place in the family lineup of siblings. It was in the comment section. It was gentle, polite, and only a correction so that people, including his wife and children, would know at least where he was born and his birth order.

I mean he was their husband and father. I don't know if that was what put my niece in disarray toward me for putting that in the comments section, but a normal person would have thanked me.

I wasn't aware my RM niece or nephew and his wife had an ugly, hateful side prior to my brother's funeral. Now that is become a permanent wedge that is droven between us, and we haven't spoken since. What could make them so utterly hateful toward their father's only sister, I wonder? I'm talking really really hateful people.

Is that how Mormonism shapes them over their lifetime? Both return missionaries. My niece is married in the temple, nephew is not. But both are effing hypocrites if you ask me. If that's living their religion, I wonder what exactly that means to them anyway? If anything?

What strikes me most about them is how much they take after their mom in personality characteristics. My brother had a personality bigger than life who was very caring and compassionate. There is no one else in his family who takes after him with the exception of some of his adopted children. His own biological children do not.

Another thing I noticed about his bio children is they seem like they inherited those genetic traits common to some FLDS children born to inbreeding in polygamous families. They just have that look about them. I don't know much about their mother's side of the family other than she has always been rather strange. Her mother was too. Very conspiracy theory minded, and paranoid when she was alive. Just a strange family all around. My SIL's mother and stepdad died in my brother's house both of them, from cancer. Bro and SIL let them starve and dehydrate to death as a form of euthanasia (fast tract hospice service I s'pose when they became sick.) Then when my dad had a back injury and went to stay with them to convalesce for a time they tried pulling that crap on my dad, because he couldn't get up and move around on his own. They were just leaving him there in the computer room to starve to death.

He was fine other than a back problem. My cousin, rest her soul, came to rescue him at the time from there. She literally saved his life.

Then when my brother died there last fall in his bedroom while my SIL listened to him taking his final breaths on the other side of the wall from her bedroom, I had to wonder how much if anything she really tried to do to save her own husband? Did she let him die? He stopped breathing. That was his cause of death.

She heard him gasping for air. Didn't do any CPR. Just called 911 and waited and waited while EMT took its time to make the long drive out to the country where they lived. By time they arrived he was already deceased.

Then enters sister for brother's funeral. So much hatred. It was a huge Mormon funeral with the stake president presiding and it looked like the entire stake turned out for it.

As for where was the love?

It wasn't there. It was absent, missing, as if the most important thing was forgotten about my brother's life. The oxygen in the room was missing, like the breath that escaped his lungs for the last time. And they couldn't care less.

Getting through the funeral was just another ritual for them. Seems harboring hatred and malice is more of the same for the rituals they practice. It's been months since then, and neither of my surviving siblings has an explanation for me when I asked them what was the reason for the display of hostility by my niece and in particular nephew's wife ? They didn't know either. It was contemptuous and apparently without cause based on what we know. I saw both their families on a family history trip in 2016 when I traveled from my brother's house on my way back to Utah through Wyoming. Brought presents for their children. It was a pleasant enough exchange considering we hadn't seen each other since they were young children at one of my children's name and blessings given by their father.

It still makes no sense to me at all, and never will. And that is the reason why it bothers me. He was my brother before he was their father. My bond to him is unbreakable no matter how much they may try to break it.

My brother was gregarious. He was a good communicator, which is what he did for a living.

That is the very thing they lack, is communication skills. My SIL never did well in that department. She always had others doing for her and that included housework, childcare, and finances. My brother did virtually everything in running the home. With him gone she's had a never married brother of hers move in to help her. Her ne'r do well sister has been living with her on and off. They sort of sponge off each other. They own the house free and clear my brother worked hard for all his life to pay for. So once it sells when it sells, she takes the money free and clear. And I believe she will be living off the proceeds until it becomes siphoned off by her two siblings. What was once going to be my brother's retirement nest egg, has now become the property of her siblings and her. Her bio children will just have to get in line it looks like. And the adopted ones? They may as well fuhgetaboutit.

It's a sad, twisted story of a Mormon American Princess who quit her day job the day she married my brother. And never looked back. She didn't believe in work in or outside the home. Unless someone else were doing it for her. (I'm still venting.)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/15/2019 12:50AM by Amyjo.

attitude when I was a caregiver.

My family said the caregiving I was doing was not necessary. (The patient was bed-bound.)

Some folks from church said "Just let him go." To which I said, "You mean like put him in the back yard and don't feed him? That would be illegal."

Another charming church-people touch was to drop off their own patients for me to take care of - since I was home anyway. One lady we really liked so we didn't mind her. She had Alzheimer's and was super thankful to get away from her husband.

Wow.

Where I live that's called elder abuse.

It's big business for personal injury lawyers in New York when done by nursing homes or other facilities with "deep pockets."

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." ~ Maya Angelou

(After you get over the initial shock, that is.)

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "When someone shows you who they are, believe them
> the first time." ~ Maya Angelou
>
> (After you get over the initial shock, that is.)

Yes. The fact there were 2separate showings tells you all you need to know!

Their oldest adopted daughter called me several months back just to talk. She lives in Provo (where she was from originally.) Now an ex-Mo, she wants nothing to do with my brother's family or my SIL. She told me about the abuse she endured for years living under their roof. My SIL treated her like a slave.

I asked her some probing questions I'd never had the chance to before. She thought my SIL controlled my brother quite a bit and he put up with it to go along to get along sort of thing.

My poor niece was not treated well at all. I remember my dad used to tell me how she was highly intelligent but my brother and his wife would say she wasn't to keep her at home and not have to send her to school. So she became very disadvantaged because she was deprived of socialization skills, and getting an adequate education. She was mislabeled as learning disabled possibly to get more money from the state (because she came through the foster placement system, like her other adopted siblings had.)

She was kept at home for as long as possible until she couldn't take it anymore. She left in her 20's she told me, with a one-way ticket to Provo. My SIL may have been collecting benefits on her up until she left claiming she was disabled. Now she's on her own in Provo and self-supporting. No family at all. Her bio mom lives nearby, but they have little in common. This poor child literally got the shaft all the way around. She's a sweet girl. The other children in the family turned their back on her too, since she "walked away." She didn't walk away. She escaped with her life.

My dad felt sorry for her when he was alive. She was used and abused by the system that was supposed to help her.

My niece told me that my brother tried to talk her out of moving to Provo when she did by telling her she didn't have the skills to make it on her own. He wanted her to stay with them indefinitely. Was it out of self-interest I wonder? Because she has done fine since she's been on her own despite her struggles and being disadvantaged.

I've always felt for the underdog. My niece is the underdog of that family. If anyone needs an advocate there, it is her. She was kicked to the curb by her adoptive family. Is it any wonder she divorced them? She was the only one of his adoptive children who was not at his funeral. And not one even mentioned her absence. It was like she no longer existed because she was of no further use to them.

Sometimes I've wondered whether my brother put up with a lot of manipulation by his wife in order to get along to save his marriage. He'd be the first to admit he was "worked to death," but the last one to complain about it. She was very controlling in their marriage. She sits on a chair and directs others around her to do all her bidding (seriously.) Even now. Some things never change. She is getting in practice for her own private Kolob! At the end of the day, she'll be the only one left on it.

It sounds like you could potentially develop a warm and close relationship with your niece. She could use some family in her corner.

As for the sudden hostility towards you from your brother's family, who knows. Sometimes people can turn against you for irrational reasons. One of my cousins held a long-term grudge against my mom for being the proverbial "bearer of bad news." She had gone to my mom for confirmation of something that another family member had told her. My mom had never hurt her in any way, and was fond of her. But mom became the object of my cousin's anger.

I was wondering if they were looking for a reason to be mad at me to distract attention away from my brother's death?

I'm the one who asks questions. My cousin who I stayed with for the funeral wanted me to investigate. She was suspicious of foul play after seeing my SIL at the wake. She hadn't met her before that day and was taken aback at her very aloof and arrogant attitude including the way she walked and her mannerisms. That's the way she's always been, so I was accustomed to it. My cousin wasn't though.

She told me to play Columbo at the funeral. I told her I didn't think I could. I wasn't up to it lol. I doubt my niece would be behind anything to do with her dad's death. But her mom might've put her up to something in an attempt to deflect attention away from her. Who knows? No one has said a thing since. I haven't approached my niece to ask because I don't have anything to say to her. If she was more of a human being she would have treated me with civility and respect owing that of her late father's only sister who had traveled several thousand miles to be at his funeral. I came the farthest of any family member to be there.

Nor has any of them ever mentioned a word about my having breast cancer even though we're friends on Fakebook. They knew I went through treatment last year and was cured before my brother passed the same year. Not one of them came up to hug me or thank me for coming to the funeral thousands of miles from my home in New York. I'd laugh if it didn't make me want to cry more.

My cousin was my saving grace. Her husband died exactly one week before my brother did. He was buried one week before to the day. When I came to stay with her for my brother's funeral, her family had just left her house the day before to return to their various homes around the state. I helped to comfort her by just being there after everyone else had left. And she was my best friend throughout. :) (Thank God for small favors.)

You're right about my niece. I need to work on that relationship more. I have an adopted family in the south (Alabama.) The woman lost her mom to cancer when my friend was only 25 (her mom was 44.) We kind of fill in for missing mother/daughter. Likewise, my niece needs a friend and family member. We keep in touch, but not enough.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/15/2019 10:14AM by Amyjo.

They never liked you but kept up appearances because your brother controlled their source of money. After he died, they didn’t need to keep up the pretense. Forget about them, you don’t need people like that in your life.

Oh, I agree with that.

It's a loss for the generations to follow that they cut their children and subsequent generations off from their father's side of the family. They'll never get to know how wonderful a family he descended from. Like they didn't even know where he was born or his birth order as a sibling (he was the oldest.)

How could his own children and wife who were with him for a lifetime not know the basic things about his life story and say they really knew him, unless they really didn't care?

And they call themselves Mormons with family values.

What self-deceivers and liars they are.

If I entertained any delusions prior to his passing they had half a heart or ounce of compassion for others, it went out the door upon his passing. They care only for themselves.

Not for my brother's family or his legacy, or even his family tree or family lore. They don't want to pass down stories to their children or children's children.

My brothers bio children are circling their wagons around my SIL so that when the house sells they will be there with their hands out to receive their entitlement shares of any "inheritance" they are awaiting. The two RM's are first in line thinking they are due to inherit. The adopted children will not get a thing, I'm pretty darn certain. They were there only to provide a stipend to my SIL over the course of some decades as a source of revenue. She and my brother may be the only parents they knew, but it wasn't based on altruism they were adopted I don't believe. It was out of greed. My SIL and brother ran a "foster farm." I can say this now because he is deceased and because there is no relationship left there to salvage with his widow or her children. If there were I would not be kvetching about it.

It just sickens me how they used those adopted children, and those children will have nothing to show for it. And how they call themselves Mormons in their cloistered little Mormon community. They have made a mockery out of what is good and holy IMO. And family values.

The way I was treated at and following my brother's funeral only strengthened my resolve against Mormonism, and how vile it must be to shape and mold people like my SIL and those children of hers into the people they've become.

There was a time I truly cared for those people and called them family. Pure religion was never meant to be so vile.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/15/2019 04:06PM by Amyjo.

Amyjo, do you think that maybe the hatred was always there, over the years, but your SIL and kids have stopped making an effort to cover it up. Probably, with your brother gone, there's no need for them to get along with you, at all.

I have a TBM SIL very similar to yours. She's domineering, loud, demands all the attention, never worked a day in her life, married my brother for his money, spent him into debt until they lost their house, beat her children, criticized my parents for not being religious enough and for being "liberal" Mormons, and had nothing but jealousy and hatred towards me and my other siblings. She "broke" my brother. He quit his great job, because he had to travel a little, and she didn't want him out of her control. He was not "allowed" to do things with his friends, or alone with any of his family members, without her in the center of things. He became depressed, when he couldn't find a job as good as his first one, and it went downhill from there. He ended up being a teacher at Stanford, but never made enough money to suit his wife. The neighbors could hear her screaming at him, often.

You are a good sister to have shown love and compassion for your brother. A bad marriage is a sad thing to watch.

I don't know where the hatred and jealousy comes from. The First Commandment is to "Love...." Another Commandment is to "not covet...." These are serious character flaws. This has very little to do with you, and more to do with your SIL's warped character. I have a feeling you aren't the only person she hates! You're right, that a parent can teach these bad things to their children!

The two children of my brother in SIL turned out to be pretty horrible. My one nephew pretended to go to BYU for four years, tuition and rent and food paid-for by my father. Nephew bragged about how he just lived in Provo and went on expensive dates with women way above his level. He told me he lied on his resume, that he had graduated from BYU. A few years later he, scammed tens and tens of thousands of dollars from my father and my uncle, to start up his own business, that never existed in the first place. He and my brother together, gradually, and sneakily stole away and spent most of my parents' estates. My brother was executor for both. My nephew made our single brother, on his deathbed, sign a new Will, which my nephew wrote, overriding his real Will. The print too small for our brother to read, and Nephew told him the document was something entirely different. He died not knowing what had been done to him, and the rest of us, but we sued my nephew, and won back half of our intended inheritance.

There are some relatives you can not allow into your life. We need to protect our children from them.

The only good thing about garbage like this, is that it makes you appreciate the good people in your life! My children have turned out very well, and my grandchildren are loving, genuine, and sweet. I have life-long friends, ex-Mormon cousins, and business colleagues.

Let go of the haters, with no guilt or regrets, and concentrate on your niece and your adoopted family, and your own family and friends. I'm sorry this happened to you. It hurts, but, honestly, you will start feeling better, as time passes.

exminion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Amyjo, do you think that maybe the hatred was
> always there, over the years, but your SIL and
> kids have stopped making an effort to cover it up.
> Probably, with your brother gone, there's no need
> for them to get along with you, at all.

That may be the sole reason right there, which I've considered. Now my brother's gone, his wife and children have retired to her camp. He was the glue that held that family together though for all those years. With his passing I don't see the same semblance of glue holding that family together that was there before. His bio children, like their mother, don't have the same character or integrity my brother did.

>
> I have a TBM SIL very similar to yours. She's
> domineering, loud, demands all the attention,
> never worked a day in her life, married my brother
> for his money, spent him into debt until they lost
> their house, beat her children, criticized my
> parents for not being religious enough and for
> being "liberal" Mormons, and had nothing but
> jealousy and hatred towards me and my other
> siblings. She "broke" my brother. He quit his
> great job, because he had to travel a little, and
> she didn't want him out of her control. He was
> not "allowed" to do things with his friends, or
> alone with any of his family members, without her
> in the center of things. He became depressed,
> when he couldn't find a job as good as his first
> one, and it went downhill from there. He ended up
> being a teacher at Stanford, but never made enough
> money to suit his wife. The neighbors could hear
> her screaming at him, often.
>
> You are a good sister to have shown love and
> compassion for your brother. A bad marriage is a
> sad thing to watch.

I believe they had a "good" marriage in the sense my SIL said they never once quarreled. Not a single argument. (Hard to believe, I know.) It seems like my niece said to me recently, my brother went along with her in order to keep the peace. She took advantage of him like others in her sphere of influence. I wasn't someone she could take advantage of. Maybe that's why she and I never really got along very well.

>
> I don't know where the hatred and jealousy comes
> from. The First Commandment is to "Love...."
> Another Commandment is to "not covet...." These
> are serious character flaws. This has very little
> to do with you, and more to do with your SIL's
> warped character. I have a feeling you aren't the
> only person she hates! You're right, that a
> parent can teach these bad things to their
> children!

She has been jealous and insecure for as long as I've known her. Her bio father left her mother for another woman from their ward when she was a teenager. Maybe she never got over that? She always saw me as a rival for my brother's love and affection (I wasn't, but that was her perception.)

>
> The two children of my brother in SIL turned out
> to be pretty horrible. My one nephew pretended to
> go to BYU for four years, tuition and rent and
> food paid-for by my father. Nephew bragged about
> how he just lived in Provo and went on expensive
> dates with women way above his level. He told me
> he lied on his resume, that he had graduated from
> BYU. A few years later he, scammed tens and tens
> of thousands of dollars from my father and my
> uncle, to start up his own business, that never
> existed in the first place. He and my brother
> together, gradually, and sneakily stole away and
> spent most of my parents' estates. My brother was
> executor for both. My nephew made our single
> brother, on his deathbed, sign a new Will, which
> my nephew wrote, overriding his real Will. The
> print too small for our brother to read, and
> Nephew told him the document was something
> entirely different. He died not knowing what had
> been done to him, and the rest of us, but we sued
> my nephew, and won back half of our intended
> inheritance.

Oh my goodness. What a low life to do something like that.
>
> There are some relatives you can not allow into
> your life. We need to protect our children from
> them.
>
> The only good thing about garbage like this, is
> that it makes you appreciate the good people in
> your life! My children have turned out very well,
> and my grandchildren are loving, genuine, and
> sweet. I have life-long friends, ex-Mormon
> cousins, and business colleagues.
>
> Let go of the haters, with no guilt or regrets,
> and concentrate on your niece and your adoopted
> family, and your own family and friends. I'm
> sorry this happened to you. It hurts, but,
> honestly, you will start feeling better, as time
> passes.

It still hurts. Some hurts may never heal, especially from the ones who should've been the closest to us. It feels like a betrayal of the worst kind. They use religion like some people use a battering ram. This brother who just passed at least had a good heart, but I believe got hitched to someone who took advantage of his kindness and gentle nature and he allowed her to in order to keep the peace and not get divorced.

It didn't sound like there was very much affection during the last years of his life. They slept in separate bedrooms. She has complained about chronic ailments since the day they married (as an excuse to get out of housework and childcare.) I think she didn't want a sex life, and kept my brother at bay. She just wanted him for the lifestyle he kept her in.

Last time I visited the RM niece and nephew in Wyoming in 2016 prior to funeral they told me their mom was complaining of having MS. I had just come from my brother's house where I'd visited with him (his wife steered clear away most of the time I was there, while he played host.)

I was incredulous because I hadn't observed any such symptoms when I was at my brother's. I asked them did she really have MS? Incredulously, coming from her own children, they told me, "No."

That spoke volumes to me right there about their mom. She was/is constantly looking for excuses to justify why she cannot lift a finger to help in the house and must have others do everything for her even though if she got off her butt she could do things herself. She doesn't want to be self-sufficient. Now with my brother gone, once she spends all his money from the house sale then that will be gone and she'll be destitute because she doesn't know how to take care of herself.

She may be planning on moving in with one of her bio children. That is in the plans I heard at the funeral. Makes sense. When she goes to live in the basement of one of their houses (only one has the means to accommodate her, and not anytime soon,) then she can be their problem. The incentive for that child based from what I can tell is purely financially motivated. They can help her spend the money from the house sale when it sells. They will see it as their administrative costs for helping mom, and the other siblings will be cut out of their share of the kitty. That was the RM niece who had the most cutting invective of all at my brother's funeral, that let me see the darker side to her character.

Her occupation? Writing psycho novels. Maybe the strange dark world she writes about isn't so far off the one she inhabits.

And she has money problems of her own. If anyone is financially motivated, it would be her. That's the way they were raised, I take no credit for any of them.

If I feel sorry for any of them, it is the innocents. The adopted children who are more victims themselves. After the dust settles, the house is sold, and their adoptive mom starts a new life somewhere else - she isn't going to be there for those children. Not like my brother was. They are now on their own. In that sense they are essentially parentless.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 04/15/2019 08:21PM by Amyjo.

When my moms TBM Dad passed and left a pile of money for the kiddies... TBM Aunt Danna and TBM Uncle Glen became full on bastions of guarding every cent ... Unbelievable the games that where played because my apostate mom wasn't worthy to receive the moneys her dad left her in his will. First Auntie Danna who(along with hubby) were caring for dear ole gran papa(rent free and food provided gratis, gas etc) felt they needed to be paid by my mom for their valiant services. When that didn't work they refused to vacate the house so the property could be sold. When lawyers where starting to get worked into the mix they finally caved. They made sure they stripped the house of all valuables, silver, paintings and anything of worth and distributed those items to their worthy children. Next they offered my mom $40,000 (a small fraction of the money) in cash if she would call it quits. Dear old auntie Dana and hubby decided to call in the reinforcements. After reminding my mom Glen(My moms brother) that he was now the patriarch of the family, commanded by the powers invested in him by the church that a joint account would be set up which he had access to the moneys...Well that was a no go and mom received her inheritance after battling it out with her siblings (Three years in the making)... now for the cherry on top... TBM Unkie Glen decided it was time for a family outing... something that never happened after my mom married the wrong Mormon. (Granny wanted mom to marry the bishops son) She refused and even though she married another Mormon my dads purity wasn't up to snuff, and she was never forgiven her transgression. Anywho she comes home from a miserable Disney Vacation (Unkie Glen felt they needed a family vacation) where she was pressured into buying a joint $40,000 time share. Turns out unkie Glen's time share was about to expire and he hadn't taken enough European vacations, so hatched a plan to get some of that inheritance money any swindling way he could. Unfortunately for him the kids where on full alert and cancelled that time share before the 3 day grace period was over. We literally had one day, when my mom got back, to get everything put together to cancel the time share. When it comes to money the Mormons throw Christian principals out the window... The shining star being not one penny of the inheritance went to the chuch!