Posted by:
Nightingale
(
)
Date: July 18, 2019 12:56AM
You're most welcome. It can certainly be startling, as you've expressed, when you relate a personal experience and/or feelings about a mo-related conundrum on this, a long-time *ex-mo* board and get strong pushback on it, especially when you're just wanting to vent your frustration or are seeking support amongst people you think will understand without needing exhaustive explanations and justifications. This is part of the reason an exmo therapist, or friend, or group (like this!) is often more helpful than nevermos - you don't (usually) have to tell them *why* it hurts or frustrates you - they know!
To me, there's a big difference between posting an opinion, when you could reasonably expect that there won't be 100% agreement and, in fact, you could welcome some alternate ideas, and posting a personal account when you're either just wanting to talk to others who have had similar experiences or you're seeking fellow feeling from those who are likely to understand you in a way others can't. If the former, you may enjoy the exchanges and may come to see things from a different point of view. If the latter, you may not be up for interactions that feel unfriendly or unhelpful.
Yes, you kind of have to put yourself out there and take what you get but as the board's purpose is stated as being for support that's primarily, I assume, what people want when they write certain types of posts. In this case, if you were merely stating the opinion that Mormons shouldn't seek out exmos to visit in hospital (a discussion we've had here before!) that colours the type of responses you would likely get and if there is disagreement, it's not likely to be personally wounding or too stressful. But you were relating a personal experience that was at least frustrating - one most of us should be able to easily understand and commiserate about. Being ill at the time, and therefore more highly stressed about what's going on around you, would intensify the unpleasant, unwanted encounter. That likely goes without saying to most RfMers.
Your post isn't unlike many one can read here on any given day - frustration with ongoing encounters with Mormonism, a religion we have chosen to leave. Many, many, many do not formally resign. The onus, as far as they are concerned, does not fall upon them to jump through that Mormon hoop, after all the times they were forced to jump as a member. As I said, most normal organizations, groups, people can take a hint - if you absent yourself then you are choosing to disengage from them. They don't demand yet more acquiescence from you to follow their processes. They just update their list, literally or metaphorically, and you're not on it, as you clearly indicate is your wish - merely by your continued absence.
The only point I *may* agree with Henry Bemis about is that IF a poster is stating that the Mormons won't leave them alone and are swamping their lives, a situation which could possibly be remedied by an ex-member resigning, they could give that a try. (As we know, some Mormons ignore even that). But I also sympathize greatly with those who say they voted with their feet and shouldn't have to take further action to satisfy some redundant Mormon demand.
Your situation was totally different from that. I have read many posts here from people describing essentially the same experience as you had, that at times of crisis in one's life, members show up, uninvited, taking advantage of one's challenging circumstances. The fact that an individual Mormon may not realize how that comes across to an ex-member is *not* the exmo's fault or responsibility.
But if we all buy into the Bemis way, RfM may as well close up shop - because who could post about their exmo life without getting hit upside the head by someone telling them sternly why they were in the wrong? (Um, isn't that one of the compelling reasons people dislike Mormonism in the first place? Now we have to take it as exmos on an exmo board that presupposes that posters don't like Mormons getting up in their face at inopportune times?). No - nobody posts here expecting to get smacked in the face about how they are being unfair to Mormons!
A while ago I wrote here about an incident that occurred when a sports star was the subject of racist taunts from some in the crowd of spectators in the middle of a match. The player described how unexpected it was, how hurtful, and how it actually made him cry. My point was that if an accomplished and respected adult can be reduced to tears in public by bullying, how much more so a child or other person in a weaker position - meaning, at least, tread gently with kids. To my shock, the first reply castigated me for equating the adult star's discomfort with childhood abuse, saying how appalling and uninformed I was (or words to that effect). I felt I had obviously not put my point across well if that is what a reader got out of it - nothing at all like what I was trying to say in my post. Fortunately for me, it wasn't a personal experience but an opinion of mine, with what I thought was a great example that people could relate to. Guess not. So in that case, it didn't really hurt my feelings but I was sorry it turned out that way.
That's why I say that posting an opinion, to me, is different from disclosing a personal account or sharing emotions. I would hope that readers would take a minute to see a difference and think about what the poster needs. However, often people just react and dive in and threads go askew and an OP can actually be lost in the kerfuffle that results. Sometimes expecting people to only think of the other person/poster is a lost cause. It's an ideal to me though. If we think only of what we think or feel ourselves or our own opinions and beliefs or see everything in terms of our views alone then we aren't likely to be all that supportive in responding to the other person. Even anonymously on a public board we can be of enormous help to one another - or not. Worst case, we are actually destructive.
I can say it didn't hurt my feelings (which is a major accomplishment for me, btw, as I tend to be too sensitive, a lifelong painful affliction) but OK, so it did a bit, despite this all being anon. I thought back to my volunteer work with survivors of violence and other traumas and to all that I experienced and learned during that time, as well as in nursing and other fields of endeavour. I haven't been a victim myself of violence, not the kind I witnessed while working with the police, so I can't come at things from that perspective. But I did learn a little bit there so for someone to accuse me of being clueless, uncaring, and worse, when it comes to victims did really shock me (not that they would know my background or experiences). I went on many calls with the police concerning women in domestic violence situations. That is a good way to lose any judgemental attitudes one might harbour and come to a greater and more helpful understanding of the issues involved. During one call, after the police had left and I was helping the woman pack up ready to leave her house (and husband) she happened to mention that her husband had taken his (deadly) weapon with him but she was terrified that he was planning to come back soon. So was I terrified then at that point. I am not outstandingly physically courageous and I was very afraid, even more so when she uttered the word 'machete', the weapon her angry husband was brandishing, somewhere out there, but expected back any time. My skin began to prickle, then heave, it felt like, I got so scared. I quickly called the cops back and they returned to wait while we rushed harder to pack. Weird how that situation, from years ago, flooded back to me when the person who soundly criticized not my post, but me, accusing me of utter ignorance for not understanding victims. I thought I know at least a little more, personally, than maybe came across in my post, and it is up to me, certainly, to try and make myself understood. It can be a challenge at times though, especially with the more daunting topics, but also when readers are too quick to pounce.
In any case, I am really just trying to say I can relate to you feeling startled about how your post was received. You can start to think you have to explain and defend yourself and then you end up disclosing more than you intended, or even feel comfortable with. I can understand your concern about id'ing yourself by the merest detail, and that is valid. Again, I have a memory of when I was telling a friend about an incident at work (medical field) (often a bad idea to talk about work in such an environment). The *only* details I mentioned over and above a general comment was that the couple involved were extraordinarily good-looking and they had twin daughters. Instantly my friend said "Oh, that's Jan and Jim!" (not the real names). Never would I have expected that she would know patients I encountered in a different part of town but they turned out to be good friends of hers and of course she recognized them from my description, albeit brief. I instantly shut my big mouth and she nagged me unmercifully for months afterwards to know what I was going to say. That taught me a lot about the importance of strict confidentiality in medical matters. Even saying you saw this or that person in this place or the other can be a contravention of their right to privacy. (So my profession is the primary reason I am so intense about the issue you faced - your right as a patient to absolute privacy).
It occurred to me to mention to you that if you have disclosed more details than you are comfortable with, that contain specifics you think could identify you, as you mentioned, you can ask Admin to delete those posts (or even your thread). It's an option, that's all. You don't post very often (I remember your board name from previously but don't see you around very often). Even though this may have been a useful discussion and some folks have taken time to respond to you, as the OP you get to control the life of your thread. If you want to keep the thread you could at least get rid of the posts where you give details of your medical condition that are possibly identifying. Just a thought.
In any case, glad you made it through the difficulty. Hope all is well with you now.
Funny, isn't it, how some things end up being more complicated (like this topic!) than you'd expect when you start out.