My TBM older brother has just divorced his TBM wife. They had been married for almost 40 years. The story I got was that his wife was “crazy” and she suddenly decided to petition him for a divorce now their kids have all grown up and moved away. It was a shock to my brother and he wanted to stay married but his wife didn’t.

Just a few months later they finalized their divorce. To me, his alimony payments seems VERY high (more than I make now working full-time) but he agreed to it without consulting a lawyer. I tried to get him to see someone who knows the law and is on his side to iron out a more fair agreement but he didn’t want to listen to me. At least he seemed to listen to be but he did not follow my advice. I suspect it is because I’m an apostate and he’s not. Whatever; it is his life.

So a month goes by and my brother starts to date again. He gets on some LDS dating site and finds a woman he decides to pursue. Ok. Then I find out a month later that he married his new wife. It seems that one month is an awfully short courtship given the following:

1) The woman he finds is a Mexican citizen and is here in the U.S. on a green card that is expiring.
Not that marrying a foregn national is an issue for me it just seems rather suspicious.

2) The woman he falls in love with can’t speak English and my brother does not speak Spanish. They are using Google translate to converse back-and-forth.

3) This woman has 3 daughters who are all currently living in Mexico. It makes me wonder if she still has a husband over there too…?

4) He was too embarrassed about his decision to rush into marriage to even tell me. I found out from my TBM mom who told me in an awkward coded way because she was sworn into secrecy to not tell me but she did anyway.

5) While I would say that my brother is not rich he is a computer programmer with his own house even after his crummy divorce. So he does have assets. Not tons but some.

Am I a racist for being concerned? I don’t care that his new wife is Mexican. I really don’t. It just seems rather sudden and one-sided. She could have been from anywhere or even a U.S. citizen and I would still be a bit alarmed.

I know so little about my new sister-in-law. I don’t even know her name. I was kept in the dark about this one. My TBM mom seems happy because he’s found “true love” with his new TBM wife and everything is good again.

I wonder what this means for my relationship with my brother if he can’t even tell me he got married. We were not that close and we have been trying to strengthen our friendship over the last few years since our father passed. It seems that has come to a stop.

...And all of this just so he can have sex again. Idiot.

If he is in California, the alimony is determined by plugging in the appropriate numbers into the formula the judge has on her laptop. The judge swivels to the left, asks you how long you were married and how much you make a month, then presses a button, and out pops the alimony figure.

I had 26 years in. The figure wound up being a shocking percentage of my monthly income.

As for the "Mexican" issue... I don't trust them one bit! My experience with them is foreign! Every time I look in the mirror, I tell that shifty-eyed bastard that someday he's going to get his!

Want me to call her?

elderolddog Wrote:
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> If he is in California, the alimony is determined
> by plugging in the appropriate numbers into the
> formula the judge has on her laptop. The judge
> swivels to the left, asks you how long you were
> married and how much you make a month, then
> presses a button, and out pops the alimony
> figure.

Although the marriage is recent, I (reflexively) would be more concerned with community property than with alimony ("spousal support").

The new wife of the brother may well not know about the legal ins-and-outs (changing title on real and personal properties, etc.), but I, personally, would still be concerned if they live in a community property state. ["Community property states" are: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, and Wisconsin. Alaska at least used to have an "opt in" system, giving couples their choice, but I don't know if this is still ongoing.]

If they do NOT live in a community property state, they live in a common law state, and the laws--in this particular kind of situation (a possibly "unwise" marriage)--are likely more favorable to the husband.

Community property only applies to assets that are obtained during the marriage. Property that people bring into the marriage is generally not subject to equal division. That is probably why EOD focused on alimony.

Lot's Wife Wrote:
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> Community property only applies to assets that are
> obtained during the marriage. Property that
> people bring into the marriage is generally not
> subject to equal division. That is probably why
> EOD focused on alimony.

Yep, I agree.

I did say: "Although the marriage is recent, I (reflexively) would be more concerned with community property than with alimony ("spousal support")"....and this is a true statement.

This IS reflex for me (and would apply to many other Californians as well--especially if they grew up in real estate families as I did, or they were even peripherally involved in the greater entertainment industry, because around these parts, community property law is often one of the general topics of conversation, from adolescence up....often as a result of adult relatives, or adult family friends, or neighbors, divorcing after some measure of industry success--which happens).

From the perspective of a child/adolescent, it can mean the difference between staying in your "own" school and keeping your friends and way of life, or having to switch to another school, and another way of life, and starting all over again.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2019 01:12AM by Tevai.

To be clear, his ex-wife got the house, the car, and the airplane (that doesn't run). She also had $80k in debt that his assumed half of. His ex-wife made out like a literal bandit.

It seems like my brother wants to be the victim. For being so old he should know better.

I have (in the past) experienced something similar to this with a close relative, who married someone else, previously unknown to her, in a very short period of time (three months, as I remember)--and subsequently learned that "everything" she had been told about this person (including previous marriages, financial situation, and criminal record) was bogus.

In the divorce, she "handled it herself," and would not accept valid legal information and guidance from anyone else. The result was: for NO reason at all, and certainly NOTHING having to do with the law, she lost everything she had worked SO HARD for over her adult lifetime. It was a disaster on all levels for her, and one that she will never recover from.

Regarding this marriage: at this point, you don't have enough information to figure out whether this is a genuine relationship or not. It could even prove to be a NON-genuine relationship which, over time, evolves into something deeper and more genuine on the part of both of them. Obviously (to me), your brother is very lonely, and is willing to gamble pretty much "everything" so that he doesn't have to feel lonely anymore.

Needless to say, your brother sounds a whole lot like my relative.

The truth could be the best that could happen, or the worst that could happen, or something in between....but this is your brother's life, and if he wants to gamble with it this way, unfortunately (as I have learned in my own life) this is his right.

I hope it turns out better rather than worse.

I don't see it as turning out well.

Oh, c'mon! Don't be scaring Saucie!

elderolddog Wrote:
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> Oh, c'mon! Don't be scaring Saucie!


My Hero !!!!!!!!!!

“...And all of this just so he can have sex again. Idiot.“

LOL. I agree with your well-put statement. So of course he’s not going to tell you. Possibly this has more to do with embarrassment than the fact your friendship has come to a standstill.

The thing is, you tried to advise with his finances before, and he ignored you. It could be he is being daft about everything and doesn’t care either, or alternatively he knows very well what he’s got himself into and knows what you will say, so he’s avoiding you. People can be so frustrating sometimes. You’re not being racist though! I’m sure you will find out more and if you can talk to him at least if it all goes wrong then you will know you tried (again). I’m sure there must be a way of researching this woman background once you know her details. Or you could just leave him to it. He is an adult after all and not your responsibility.

It is all very concerning and I hope it turns out well (please give updates: I’m emotionally involved now).

For now you can be happy for him that at least he’s getting some.

The best advice I received about starting a new relationship after ending a long term one was to wait one month for every year I was married or 1 year whichever was less before looking to date.

My bishop had decided three months morning for my wife of 20 years was enough time and pressured me into dating again.

I used my colorful vocabulary well hone from ranching and military service to tell him to perform impossible acts with himself.

Waiting over a year was the best thing I ever did and allowed me to move forward and see the new people in my life as individuals without overlaying the qualities and personality of my deceased spouse onto them.

Any remarriage with a proper grief period whether it be death or divorce coukd face huge problems.

First, if they're communicating with each other through Google translate, it's hard to imagine that their relationship is based on anything other than desperation of some kind.

You cite several items of circumstantial evidence that strongly indicate possible motivations that have nothing to do with love and genuine friendship.

You said that he went through an LDS dating site. Is the new wife LDS?

Who knows? Maybe, despite all the red flags and alarm bells, it will all work out like a beautiful romantic comedy from Hollywood and they'll live happily ever after.......and maybe I'll win 20 million dollars in the lottery next week.

My best guess is that your brother rebounded hard, couldn't figure out how to live as a single and acted out of desperation to get back to the having a "normal" life, i.e. being married. Being old and single conflicts with everything in the indoctrination he has had as a TBM.

Haste makes waste and I'm afraid there's a lot of waste up ahead for your TBM brother.

Don't let your brother or your mother deflect any of your brother's mistakes onto you! The woman being Mexican has nothing to do with anything, except that citizenship for herself and her daughters would be a huge incentive for her to get married. This is very common, with men and women alike, and in all religions. I have a friend who's widowed father has had two internet-courtship (Mormon) marriages with 2 Puerto Rican women, and both times were scams. One of the wives already had a husband in Puerto Rico. I know a few men who have gotten mixed up with Russian women, and after they get their free passage to America with their kids, and they get citizenship, and a job, and have their children's teeth fixed and everyone's medical problems cured, they dump the sugar-daddy. It's a matter of survival to some of them. Yes, these Russian women had boyfriends back in Russia, whom they managed to bring into the country. One man thought he was helping the woman's brother, but he turned out to be her husband.

The biggest red flag of all, is the rushing of the marriage. Con-artists move quickly. Con-artists play on the weaknesses of their victims--your brother's weaknesses are sex, religion, and being on the rebound.

Too many scams! Too many red flags! Your brother knows this, and that's why he didn't tell you anything. I'll bet his kids are upset about this, too!

I doubt if he would listen to anything you have to say, or accept any help you could give him. For example, he could put his assets in your mother's name, or your name, to keep them safe, for a while. You could encourage your brother to make out a Will, making sure his estate goes to his children. My ex-husband married a bar-fly, and she manipulated him into leaving everything to her. The same thing happened to my widower TBM neighbor across the street, who knew his new Mormon wife only a month, before she moved into his house, and they got married after only 3 months. She convinced him to dis-own and dis-inherit his children, because they had left the church, and the still-Mormon daughter was a career woman, instead of a SAHM. These manipulators think of reasons.

When someone is hiding something from you, you know it's something bad. My best girl friend got jilted the day before her wedding, and she moved away, to avoid avoid the humiliation and pain. She met someone and married him 4 months later, and didn't tell any of us friends anything about him. When he threw her down the stairs and broke her arm, she told us that he had been married before, and had thrown his wife off of a balcony, and she had divorced him for physical cruelty. We friends said, "Why didn't you tell us about his past?"

She said, "You would all have told me not to marry him."

Now that's my definition of an "idiot."

But--also my friend's TBM parents and your mother and my own TBM parents were idiots, when all they cared about was that the new spouse was a Mormon.

exminion Wrote:
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> I have a friend
> who's widowed father has had two
> internet-courtship (Mormon) marriages with 2
> Puerto Rican women, and both times were scams.
> One of the wives already had a husband in Puerto
> Rico.

I don't know if I am misunderstanding or not, but if your friend's widowed father is American, it's important to point out that the two women from Puerto Rico he married were [already] American citizens too.

Many Americans honestly do not realize (or remember from school) that Puerto Rico is part of the USA.

I meant to write "Costa Rica." The country doesn't matter; it's the dating website, long distance relationship, language barrier, rushed-marriage stuff that makes a rational decision very difficult.

Hope he did not place himself nicely on a golf tee.


Live and learn.

Or watch this:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lZTOT6DKfZ8

The key to an uncomplicated divorce is to have neither children nor assets!

And of the two, the more costly is having assets!

I would avoid arguing for the proposition that justice is blind when it comes to family law.

elderolddog Wrote:
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> I would avoid arguing for the proposition that
> justice is blind when it comes to family law.
========================

Concur.

> The key to an uncomplicated divorce is to have
> neither children nor assets!
========================

Orrrr - avoid marriage! ;-)

He really ought to have reflected on circumstances and figured out "the why."
It is painful, but of great utility for the remainder of life.
As it stands, I fear he may be a future line-drive.

Nothing is as we have been told, and nothing is as it seems.
And I mean nothing.

My 35 year marriage is gasping it's last breaths. I'm never getting married again.

Hormones make us stupid.

I sure was.

Praydude, if your brother's ex remarries, does the alimony stop?

In California, it would. So naturally, the couple of which the ex is a part has no incentive to do so!

I recently learned that in Utah, simply the act of the ex living under the same roof with a member of the opposite sex stops the alimony, once the payor can prove the payee is doing so.

It is my understanding that yes, the alimony stops after she re-marries.

Of course this is from my TBM brother who just got married and I'm not sure he fully understands the law. Maybe he does.

Just consider the source, that's all.