It is hard to admit this.

The fact is that I can be so angry inside sometimes that I am ashamed of it. It is fierce emotion that awakes brutal thoughts inside me. A high degree of thoughts revolve around vigilantism and revenge. A will inside me to set things straight.

When I was a kid bullied in school I remember the first time I felt the rage to take out revenge. I had calculated fantasies how I would beat the hell out of my bullies. During the 1990s I found some heroes in the enforcers that fought each other in The National Hockey League. I admired their level of sacrifice to prove their worth on being on ice because there were other players who could score and skate fast as the wind.

They were fearless and did everything for their team. In some ways I would be like them to show the other kids that I was not to mess with and I could contribute to their lives.

Today my old heroes are beaten and bruised. Most of them have neurological complications and have struggled with addictions in their life after their career. Some have sadly passed away.

I was a drunk for 5 years, lost a fortune and struggled with PTSD. But today I feel better than ever but some days the bad feelings emerge in my head and I am ashamed of the strong and barbaric feelings.

The greatest danger is ignorance of the rage. To not see it. To refuse to acknowledge it.

Of believing oneself to be a saint and not seeing within, the very real capacity to have been a concentration camp guard.
To be one today. To kill "the other."

What Jung called the Shadow.
It's in us all

Violent thoughts are not violent deeds in the same way adultery in the heart is not adultery in fact.

Revenge fantasies are not uncommon, you are not alone in having them. And as Dr. No said, it’s healthy that you are aware of it.

(I support the enforcer role in hockey. You’ll always need a Semenko to give a Gretzky room to manoeuvre. But I hate it when enforcers fight each other for no other reason than for spectacle.)

@Dr.No and Human

Thx for your feedback. I end up in this inner turmoil from time to time. I am ashamed of it when it happens and also a bit of scared. It seems to me that this kind of reaction happens when I am under stress and with my back against a social wall of some kind.


Thanks again for your feedack! I appreciate it.

Mea Culpa Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I am ashamed of it...


I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of. Anger is an appropriate reaction to being mistreated. NOT getting angry would be a problem.

But part of Mormonism's mistreatment is to convince us anger is inappropriate, a sign of weakness and sin.

I found ways to let my anger out rather than trying to suppress it or actually exacting revenge. I'd hit inanimate objects. Baseballs, golf balls, punching bags... I felt much better.

It's one thing to have the rage sneak up on you, to have it warm you while you coddle it during the free time that let you notice it. It's like falling asleep to thoughts of justice, and you smile as you drift off...

But it's another thing when you seek it out, when you take time from other, necessary, endeavors to feed it, to fan it, and then to let it take over your life. when you wake to find it waiting for you and you embrace it...


I still try to get by succored by the hope that living well is a better revenge.

Hi elderolddog

Thx for your feedback!

Hello elderolddog

Thank you for your feedback! Life is good to me. I have been into worser times. This is something cerebral happening inside my mind and it feels odd.

One of the most frustrating problems in life now is that family desperately tries to make me mirror them to get everything back on track like before. Personally I do not see it as a life worth living but more as a way to keep a meaningless cycle of abuse going and going.

There is no reason in the cycle anymore because we are all adults. But they want it intact.

I am being, stonewalled, ignored, getting words put into my mouth, people try to "help me" when I am doing good. Gaslight me to make me doubt my choices. The older I get the more lesser things they point at, if they can not make me fall in line with ideology the comment my lesser habits. It is humiliating.

I want to be an adult and I want them to leave their cycle.

I am out of it and I am glad.

Typo above. Repitition. Copy and pasted because I wrote the wrong CAPTCHA and got stuck. :)

Try not to get your ass kicked by Bob Barker: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MjBzqMfbhmg

"The price is wrong B$#@#"

You need to get some one to listen to you and give you

acceptance and guidance. PTSD is not something you can

just think away, its based on trauma which you haven't

delt with. You deserve to be heard and helped by a psychologist

thats why they are there.

The 'easiest' method to handle the problems you mention...

> I am being stonewalled,
> ignored, getting words
> put into my mouth;
> people try to "help me"
> when I am doing good...
> Gaslight me to make me
> doubt my choices. The
> older I get the more
> 'lesser things' they
> point at. If they can-
> not make me fall in
> line with ideology
> they comment on my
> lesser habits.

...is to not be in contact, in any way, with the people doing this. But this isn't always possible. It is, in my mind, always better to be alone rather than to be in bad company. But this is arguable because to many, being alone equals loneliness and we are herd animals; loneliness hurts.

So I don't have any real answers for you. But I do know that the RfM community survives because the positive members outnumber the negative members, and so maybe someone has something valuable to contribute.

It's always good to be among supporters.

Have you ever considered taking martial arts classes? MA is a good way to build your confidence in your ability to take care of yourself. I studied Aikido for five years. Aikido has no kicks or punches. I used to joke that there was nothing quite so therapeutic as throwing a bunch of grown men around a room for a couple of hours every Saturday morning. Plus I knew some very chill, laid-back black belts. I think when you know how to defend yourself, the urge to be aggressive is not so strong. Just a thought.

The thing that helped me a lot when I was angry was to practice gratitude. In particular, I thanked God for all of my suffering and everything “bad” that had happened in my life.

When you wake up in the morning, take a deep breath while feeling grateful. At the end of the exhale, say “thank you”. It works like magic.

I can relate. I was bullied by peers in school. In the 70's, my freaky Mormon parents (mainly an jerk step dad) made me cut my hair short like a missionary, when everyone at the public school got to wear Andy Gibb / David Cassidy haircuts, like in the links, with the parting of the hair down the middle, and feathered to the sides. This hairstyle was "evil" according to my TBM parents.

https://www.tinymixtapes.com/news/rip-david-cassidy-pop-music-icon-and-partridge-family-star
https://ztams.com/shop/andy-gibb-pinup-big-smiling-close-up-long-hair/

In addition, they wouldn't let me dress like everyone else, had to be conservative, no tennis shoes, etc. Suffice it to say, I was picked on and bullied unmercifully in middle school.

Finally, I started growing, muscles got bigger, and I was able to protect myself. I was also bullied by Polynesians at church, I was the "polongee" kid that they didn't like. Just craziness. I got it from both sides growing up - school and church.

I really like what Dr. No and EOD stated above. It's normal to have revenge fantasies. For instance, there was this one guy in mid-school that always referred to me as that "short haired freak." Now as a 55 year who bench presses over 400, into body building, and in the best shape of my life...I fantasize about confronting him. Will I? Na...just soothing to think about like EOD described. My advice, start exercising brother...every morning. Gets rid of that anxiety from the past. Peace be with you.