I am reaching out to get some advice on how to proceed with my sister. She arrived this morning to spend Thanksgiving weekend with me. It originally was supposed to be a couples weekend with her, her husband, my wife and me. I had been estranged from sister and my entire family for the last decade. I saw my sister for half a day back in June when she happened to be visiting the city where I live for work, and she brought some of my childhood items that my mother had asked that I wanted. From that meeting with my sister came the idea to get together for Thanksgiving.

Over the past few months we have had inconsistent contact. I also reached out to her husband to get to know him, but my sister never reached out to my wife. Also, my family has a history of being very unwelcoming and hostile to my wife. I've been with my wife for fifteen years. My wife was initially open to the visit and starting fresh. But it had not played out that way, and she got upset and no longer wanted to meet with them. When I met with my sister and her husband (by the way this was the first time I met him in person) today I took them around to do tourists things, but I hadn't informed them about my wife not coming. I guess I wanted to see how my sister would respond. I got really upset because she never once asked where my wife was or what she had been up too. I feel I should know better, but I felt duped. Also, the whole time together felt awkward and uncomfortable for me not only for not acknowledging my wife, but because there is all this unresolved tension and problems between me and my family and we are going around having a tourist experience as if everything is okay.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't want to spend the next few days with them acting like everything is normal. I feel like saying that this trip was a mistake and that they should go do activities on their own for the remaining days they are here. I also do not want to go along and make them think the trip is fine because I feel they will go back and speak with my parents and other siblings, and then they will think I am now reuniting with everyone. My sister and several other family members are no longer active in the church, but my family still acts like a cohesive unit and anyone estranged from them like me is seen as a lost sheep. I feel they want to sabotage my marriage because they feel my wife is the reason I no longer have contact with them when in reality what started the fracture in our relationship was them doing several things to me that I feel were a huge betrayal.

This seems like the perfect opportunity to clear the air with them once and for all. Get it all out in the open and make them address it, so everyone knows where each other stands.

"Tell me why you haven't even acknowledged my wife." They'll probably deny it. Don't let them gaslight you; make them face their negligence. If they get uncomfortable or take offense, so what? It's already awkward, and the worst they can do is leave in a huff, which means you'll be rid of them and can enjoy the rest of the holiday. If they go back and talk, again so what? They will in any event, and it sounds like you don't much care what they all think anyway.

Let them know that you and your wife are an inseparable team, and if they want to have any relationship at all with you, they damn well better treat your wife with the proper respect. "Like it or not, you two are going to talk to her, politely and civilly, or you can leave for good." If they try to make you choose between her and them, you'll choose her 1000/1000 times.

You have the upper hand in this situation. You might as well use it.

Presumably your wife will be a part of the holiday celebration. Include your wife and see how it goes. If the other couple is willing to make an effort, you will see soon enough.

It looks like you are involved with two of the worst thins one human being cando to another. I believe that you are involved with deception,of course, but even worse is a long history of betrayal. It happened to me with one of my daughters and I calle dher our as a sanctimonious, hypocritical, bigot. I told her that unless she wished to make amends neveer to contact me again and the I forthwith disowned her.
she has not responded and I don't care

You stated, “But it had not played out that way and she no longer wanted to meet with them”. If you and your wife are truly this “team”, as you stated....that should have been the end of planning this visit. What did you imagine was going to happen? Now that they are here, ask your wife one more time to make nice and if the answer is no....tell them you’re sorry but the trip was a mistake and pay their way home. Sorry...that’s the way I see it.

When you got in touch with your sister’s husband to “get to know him better”.... that was when your wife was to “get to know” your sister better by contacting her. If she said no to that...red flag...and when she “no longer wanted to meet with them”...done deal. Let’s face it...you have a lot more future to spend with your wife than you do with your sister or all the rest of your family. Happy wife, happy life. You’ve been avoiding the inevitable and now you’ve got to bite the bullet and accept reality.

A line from my good calamari friend from Star Wars Return of the Jedi goes through my head when family wants to meet up "It's a TRAP!!!!". I usually have left my self an 'out' for your type of a situation so i don't get stuck. I have learned my lesson and have to be no contact and have to have the discipline to keep to the no contact. It's always a trap of some kind and i am left gaslighted yet again and demeaned by the time i leave the gathering. I won't even allow them to see me like some black sheep or some mentally ill leper. The calamari from star wars was and is always right. You are a lone rebel against the empire.

Love the Star Wars reference! I agree it is a trap. I had been messaging my mother for the past year, and then the last couple of months she went MIA when my sister was planning to come. But then my mother suddenly reappeared on messenger the day before my sister’s visit to say she hope I enjoy their visit. I agree with you that I need to discipline myself more to stop responding to them because it never ends well. They are ones to always reach out. I never reach out to them.

I always want to know what motivates people. Is your sister's motive to have a relationship with you? If it is, then why isn't she interested in getting to know your wife? What is her husband's motive in joining in, if he makes no effort?

Do you have money? That's in impertinent question, but things would make more sense, if they were after your money.

Maybe your mother put your sister up to this, as a "dying wish" to have her family reunited again. This motive would be more pure. Maybe you could sympathize with your sister, on how demanding and persistent your mother is to get her way. You can let your sister go home, knowing that she tried her best.

Your family is like typical Mormon families, who never address anything directly, but prefer to manipulate, lie, pass the buck onto someone else, or pull the old bait-and-switch.

You use the word "deceived". Maybe your sister does have an ulterior motive. Maybe it isn't about Thanksgiving at all, but she and your mother are preparing an ambush for Christmas. Be forewarned.

Isn't it sad that siblings can't be straight with each other. Maybe you could ask for honesty, and then ask the question that one poster suggested, "Why do you avoid my wife?"

I can visualize you, like in a movie, doing all the usual tourist, in a feeble attempt to appear normal.

Hm-m-m-m. Maybe they trip and tourist activities is their motive. Did your mother pay for their trip? Are they staying with you for free?

Maybe they are not as sinister as you think. Maybe they're just opportunists, looking for free fun and free meals.

The ball is in your court. Hit!

I'd say something.

Maybe it is time for you to take the "no contact" approach and cut off all contact with her?
For my sanity I have had to do that with one adult child and it is working out just fine.

Rip the band-aid off already and pour some hydrogen peroxide directly into the wound.

Get it all out on the table. Say everything you are thinking. The relationship is already about as bad as it can get. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain---like getting rid of the knots in your stomach and giving your wife the 100% support she deserves.

Tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Force the relatives to decide if they want a healthy happy relationship or none at all. Those are the only choices. Either one is better than the luke warm manipulative mess that has been created that needs a good anti-septic.

Curious about how your visit went.

Yesterday for Thanksgiving, when I texted my sister that I decided to spend the day with my wife and they can go do their own thing, this is what she texted back (my sister and her husband are staying in an AirBnB):

“Hey ——-! Yeah of course. Y’all enjoy your thanksgiving together! Let me know later what time you want to me up.”

I was disturbed by the response.

I'm not getting why you are disturbed. It seems to me that you are the one excluding you wife from get-togethers with your sister and her husband. Just get the four of you together and see how it goes. If they are not willing to be nice to your wife, you will see soon enough. For right now, it seems to me that you are trying to read your sister's mind, and are jumping to conclusions that may or may not be warranted.