Over on the "Your First Apostate Thoughts" thread, I said it was D&C 132 that was the first "doubt sprout" for me.

As an eager to please little puppychild, I was such an ingratiating student that my VTs made something of a pet of me. Right after my baptism, we started meeting once a week for scripture study. I was an avid amateur historian and wanted to know everything about the founders, the pioneers, and the prophets.

It's funny to remember now, with wiser sight, how evasive these ladies often were about early cult history, and how closely they censored my reading material and fenced in my personal interpretations of scripture. I only had my blue paperback BoM which I was having trouble reading all through, and my personal pre-Mo Bible was NIV, not KJV. But I was really excited and determined to begin to read and correlate D&C, so the Sisters bought me my own Quad. Which I read, which contributed to my leaving. I don't think they know that Quad is part of why I left. Perhaps they should refrain from giving them out, even to really submissive and ready to be brainwashed damaged little puppies like I was.

So in a tribute to my assigned friends, these ladies who led me to discover D&C and the BoA, I have brought forth a new revelation. This one came to me while I was unloading the dishwasher just now. Steam befogged my spectacles, and within the steam I beheld the undivine word, written in Reformed Dirtdishen.

Barnum and Covenants 1:
Oh, my Molly Mentors of bygone days, verily, verily, I say unto thee, gift thou not a Quad to the convert thou wisheth to clasp unto thy bosom, for if thou giveth the Quad, dost thou expect she shall not read?

Yea, I say unto thee, she shall read, and be aggrieved, and there shall be one more departed unto Exmo Enlightenment away from thy Molly number.

Therefore grant the newcomer no Quad, for verily, some tithing may be gathered ere she read and depart, and with time she may be swayed from any conviction to read, as the offspring spring off, and she growth tired and truly a Molly of thy number.

But lo, if truly she insisteth to read, still giveth it not as a gift, for verily, the Quad resteth on sale at Deseret Book, at a price most reasonable unto the Authority, and thus if she do read and depart, yea, the most important part of her is already rendered unto the Authority, that of the coin.

Verily, this is the most correct scripture on the face of the earth, and a man (no women--they have to go through their husbands, remember?) may come closer to God by abiding by its precepts than by any other means.

That said, I'm going to correct some of your verb conjugations--but we can still tell everyone it's never been changed or edited:

"Oh, my Molly Mentors of bygone days, verily, verily, I say unto you, gift ye not a Quad to the convert ye wish to clasp unto your bosoms, for if ye give the Quad, do ye expect she shall not read?

Yea, I say unto thee, she shall read, and be aggrieved, and there shall be one more departed unto Exmo Enlightenment away from thy Molly number.

Therefore grant the newcomer no Quad, for verily, some tithing may be gathered ere she read and depart, and with time she may be swayed from any conviction to read, as the offspring spring off, and she groweth tired and truly a Molly of thy number.

But lo, if truly she insisteth to read, still give it not as a gift, for verily, the Quad resteth on sale at Deseret Book, at a price most reasonable unto the Authority, and thus if she do read and depart, yea, the most important part of her is already rendered unto the Authority, that of the coin."

In the name of the Lord, the Almighty one, He who is above all, even the highest balloon of which we can think, even that One, who floats up like a vulture wafting on a thermal, even He, yea, Jesus H. Christ, amen.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2020 03:13PM by Anziano Young.

Anziano, I bow to your superior understanding of conjugation in Reformed Dirtdishen. I fear this is why I am quite the profitless prophetess.

It's not my fault though, really! Sometimes the temperature in the kitchen causes slight differences in the appearance of the "Caractors" on my spectacles as the Wholly Steam condenses, leading to me mixing my singulars with my plurals while I'm making it all u--- uh, I mean receiving revelation. Must be the forces of Evel Knievel at work.

So I consulted my thoroughly honest (but rather taciturn) dishwasher and it does indicate that those edits you *didn't* make are quite acceptable and pleasing unto the Almighty Appliance, making the Final and Unchanging B&C sustained inasmuch as it is correctly translated.

:-)

I can take no credit, for it was only by the power of the Appliance that I performed this work. I went into the bathroom, opened the toilet lid, looked inside, and *poof* the words appeared. Truly He works in mysterious ways!

Sorry, did I say "poof"?

Thanks for sharing that.

I was a much younger convert and was kept fairly ignorant of the deeper truths until much older. I, too, remember reaching a stage where I realized I didn't actually know all that much about the history and old time doctrine that everyone else seemed to know and understand. I wanted to take the "Know Your Religion" series classes but they were a long drive from my home in bad winter weather. So, instead, I started looking outside the church classes and did some research on my own. Hence, the beginning of the end.

Did you ever hear of Jan Shipps? She was (is she still?) a church approved Mormon historian. She does not try to deconvert anyone but just learning about things from her got me hungry to know more. The more I learned the more I wanted to learn.

I think NOT wanting further light and knowledge is what keeps 'em down on the farm and solidly anchored to Mormonism.

Bednar has a wildly funny system of teaching questioning members how to ask/not ask him a question. He has so many criteria for "How to ask me a question about the church" that it's pretty near impossible to remember what you wanted to ask him. Thus, the lazy questioner gives up and the determined questioner is rebuked. How's that for getting away with murder? Gotta give Bednar the medal for confusing members into stupification.

Nice of Bednar to be so accommodating. "I'll be happy to answer all the questions you won't ask following the format I've laid down to prevent you from asking all the questions I won't answer."

No, I haven't heard of Jan Shipps that I remember, though I may have come across her and forgotten, because I am terrible with author names.

I still do love accurate Mormon history. The American 19th century, in general, is such a bag of crazy, and true Mormon weirdness weaves its way through the tapestry like day-glo threads grafted into a classic medieval wall hanging. It makes me laugh at myself. I used to venerate the founding Mormons as literal saints. I will have to take a look at her stuff, see what is there to learn.

Do they still do Know Your Religion? My parents used to take us when we got old enough, 11th or 12th grade. We loved it because it meant we got to eat out, a rarity growing up--usually cheap teriyaki, but it seemed like heaven at the time.

Behold, the OP hath verily mastered her pseudoKingJames

Her words must be taken as prophesy--who would doubt words written in such flowery "pseudoKingJames"?

Srsly, I have archived a few wise quotes from PTBarnum. I'm surprised she's not a man--the name fooled me--so she couldn't be a prophet, after all. Still, following PTBarnum, would be far better than following the creep who wrote D&C 132.

I did everything "right", in Mormonism, to the best of my ability, as a kid, a teen-ager, and a young adult. I graduated from BYU and was a virgin when I temple-married the "perfect" returned missionary, who swepped me off my feet in 6 months. Once we were permanenty sealed, for eternity, he beat me and threw me around the room, shouting quotes from the D&C 132. So, this was what the "church" I was in TRULY believed about women. So, this was going to be my Mormon marriage, for the rest of my life. Suicide did cross my mind.

I do NOT thank the D&C 132 for waking me up, and showing me that I was in a mysogynous, polygamous cult--because I also blame the D&C 132 for precipitating and enabling the abuse in the first place! My gratitude goes to good divorce laws, my attorney, the protection of the police, restraining orders, and libraries everywhere that provide information. (There was no RFM; there was not much information about wife-beaters, back then.).

That kind of thinking that createsd a monster like my ex-husband, was ingrained in his psychopathic brain, and his Mormon father beat his mother and him, too, and his Mormon grandfather beat his wife, and I know that his son beat his wife, too. My own Mormon father beat me, too. All those generations of wife-beaters had Joseph Smith as their main role model, and were fed the same D&C 132 garbage.

I'm so glad my sons and daughters have been cleansed of that abusive Mormon legacy. We're are ashamed of it. We're ashamed of the fake scriptures, the temple mumbo-jumbo rituals for dead people, Mormon racism, polygamy, child abuse, scams, money-grabbing, etc--and we won't be deliberately passing it along to my grandchildren.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2020 04:39PM by forestpal.

And it came to pass in the last days that wise words went forth from a Prophetess, even ptbarnum.

Very profound and discerning posts this thread. Ironic and amusing that after Anziano looked into the white ceramic idol and (without a poopstone, even!) saw the words of revelation appeared, "poof!"

And who should post next, but "Pooped!"

Truly eSCATillogical, I say!