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Date: March 31, 2020 08:59PM
The True Story of the First Vision
Captain Elohim stood on the bridge of the Kolobian fleet starcruiser Oliblish staring absentmindedly at the control panel.
Elohim was tired. The trip from kokaubeam XQ-17394-j5 had been a long one - even at warp speed 5.
He was tired ... and bored.
What am I doing here? He thought to himself. I could be relaxing on the beach at Ripleancum watching Olea rise and drinking a pe le ale. Or I could be at the Officers Club playing 4-D chess with Elkenah and Libnah. Instead, I’m wandering around this forlorn corner of the solar system looking at lumps of barren rocks or balls of toxic gasses. Even the occasional encounter with lesser lifeforms can’t relieve this ennui. I can’t take it any more.
“Captain”.
Elohim was snapped back to attention by the voice of his second in command, Ensign Jehovah.
“Captain. There is a planet ahead.”
“Very well, Jehovah. Bring it up on the Telescreen”
The screen flickered to life revealing a fuzzy blue orb. Jehovah turned the dials on the console and the image gradually focused to reveal a blue and white sphere.
“Much prettier than the past several we’ve seen”, Elohim said to no one in particular. “What do we know about this one?”
Jehovah stared at the display in front of him. “Well, Captain ... the sensors show an atmosphere consisting mostly of nitrogen, but with a significant quantity of oxygen ... there are small amounts of other gasses ... there are clouds of water vapor ... and traces of organic compounds.
Wonderful, thought Elohim, another planet full of little furry animals. “We’d better go in for a closer look”, he said to Jehovah.
Elohim felt the Oliblish slow noticeably as they entered a cloud bank. “All clear ahead on radar” called out Technician Pelagoram.
“Very well, maintain current course and speed” responded Elohim. Shortly afterwards the Oliblish broke through the clouds. The Telescreen revealed a landscape of barren fields and small patches of trees. Elohim scanned the scene for anything moving without success.
“Captain,” Jehovah said. “There is something down there. In the trees to the left.”
“Can you identify it?” asked Elohim.
Jehovah tapped a few keys and squinted at the screen. “The database identifies it as a creature known as a hominid ... male ... probably a juvenile.”
“OK, let’s zoom in for a closer look, Jehovah.”
The image enlarged to reveal a figure kneeling in a clearing among the trees. “What is it doing Jehovah” Elohim asked.
“It appears to be pleasuring itself, Captain.”
“Great,” mused Elohim, “we come all this way to see a teenager rub one out.”
Elohim started to turn away when a flash of inspiration struck him. He turned back to Jehovah. “How about we have a little fun with this one. I have an idea.” Elohim went over to Jehovah and whispered in his ear.
Jehovah let out an uncharacteristic laugh. “That would be against official regulations Captain. But I’m game. Let’s do it.”
Elohim turned to Chief Engineer Moroni and commanded “set main phaser to stun. Target is the figure in the clearing. When I give the order, you fire, then beam us down. Only stop us 2 meters above the surface.”
Elohim and Jehovah stepped onto the holodeck as Moroni adjusted the settings. “All ready Captain!” Moroni reported.
Elohim responded “Good. Let us go down.”
There was a flash of light
----------* * * * *----------
As the hominid regained consciousness lying on its back, it looked up, and with a mixture of surprise and terror beheld two beings standing above it in the air.
“Who are you?” it croaked.
“I AM GOD!” thundered Elohim, “Who else do you think is going to come in a flash of light standing in mid air. More importantly, who are YOU?”
“M-m-my n-n-name is J-j-joe” it stammered.
“Well Joe, why in My name are you out here in the woods this morning?”
“I-I-I … Joe paused. “I C-c-came to p–p-p-pray.”
“Pray? With your pants around your ankles? What kind of prayer is that?”
“Well, I... I... just... I mean...I don’t know... Look, I’m sorry.”
“Never mind that, Joe. I forgive you. What were you going to pray about.”
“I wanted to know which church to join”
“Which church to join, huh? Here is my beloved enSIGN” Elohim said heavily accenting the last syllable, “hear him.”
Jehovah struggled to suppress the laugh he felt rising up. Putting on a stern face, he said in a monotone “You must join none of them. They are all corrupt. They teach the philosophies of men mixed with bullshit. Their leaders draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts seek after women and gold. No, you must not join any of them. But if you mind your business, in a few years you might get in on the scam.”
“Wow! OK” said Joe. “Look, I really am sorry about that ... you know, other thing.”
“Forget about it” Elohim said. “I already forgave you. Now get back to work.”
Elohim then grabbed his communicator. “Moroni, hit him again and beam us back up.”
There was another flash of light.
----------* * * * *------------
Jehovah stood on the bridge watching on the Telescreen as Joe regained consciousness, got up and tried to move only to fall flat on his face. He let out a chuckle as Joe got to his feet, pulled up his pants and ran through the woods stumbling through the underbrush.
“Well Captain, you certainly pulled a helluva prank on young Joe down there.”
“Yes it was rather fun, wasn’t it Jehovah. But now it’s time to move on.”
“Set a course for Kolob”, he shouted to the navigator Zombre. “Moroni ... warp factor 8. Let’s go home”
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The rest is, as they say, history - except Joe didn't remember all of the details accurately