So today my brother drowned my inbox with unsolicited pics of his 3 month old crotch fruit. I have asked my family in no uncertain terms for no-contact. I have tried to block them every possible way, but they find ways to slip through. Between this new baby and the whole pandemic thing, they are trying extra hard lately to "love-bomb" me back into the fold.

Here's what really makes me mad though: my brain keeps telling me I should give in. It keeps telling me that it's my duty as a good child/sibling to respond and forgive and pretend like nothing ever happened.

But that's the thing. The whole damn lot of them refuses to ever acknowledge that anything was ever wrong. They either try to act as though nothing ever happened, or they tell me I'm the problem for holding onto my (unjustified) hurts. And every time, a little voice in my brain tells me they are right. And then every time I have to talk to my spouse and to my therapist and re-read past past emails to remember why I chose to become estranged in the first place. How much happier and healthier I am without them in my life. I just wish I could figure out a way to well and truly prevent them from ever contacting me again so I can stop going through this cycle of being emotionally hijacked every time they do.

Ok. Rant over. Thanks for listening. Stay safe, my friends.

I'm sorry that is happening to you.

If they find ways around your blocks, I would hit them back with an inconvenient fact. Use lots of swear words (take out my asterisks and spell it out.) For instance --

"According to data from the NIH, the average age of first marriage for women in the mid-1800s was 23.

Joseph Smith Jr. F*****D two 14-year old girls.
He F*****D two 16 year old girls.
He F****D three 17 year old girls.
He sent men on missions and F****D their wives while they were gone.

I call him Joseph F*****G Smith. Appropriate, right?

It's a shame that Mormons evidently have NO STANDARDS WHATSOEVER."

Reference: http://wivesofjosephsmith.org/

Think that might scare them off?

If not, maybe it gave you a smile. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/01/2020 05:54PM by summer.

Yeah, use a lot of F-bombs. Extreme blasphemy works well too. And be sure to make liberal use of "cult." Speak evil of the lord's anointed.

Talk about the temple a lot. Make fun of the handshakes, the outfits, the chanting. Send links to the temple videos on YouTube. Taunt them about all the forced temple closures. If you know the date your family members were endowed, you can call them by their new names on group text.

Send them photoshopped images of temples with a giant dildo in place of Moroni's trumpet.

Mormons are easily offended. Use that to your advantage.

For what it's worth I just happen to be reading an article with the seven signs of gaslighting.

Mormons tend to gaslight without even knowing that they are doing this sometimes. It's part of being Mormon. Your family seems to be working the way up the ladder number by number and getting . . .

#1 You to question if your feelings are justified.

#2 You to second guess your recollection of past events.

They get this far quite easily because you are a decent person who wants to do the right thing. You are the type who accepts responsibility for your actions. You are a perfect victim for what they are doing. Their seeds have been planted.



Now they are working on #3, getting YOU to apologize and accept responsibility for what has happened.

They are Mormons. They cannot be wrong. It has to be your fault and now they pretend to be loving and magnanimous so you will doubt that they could have ever done anything wrong. They want you to believe that YOU misunderstood.


You already know you did not misunderstand by what you have written here. Don't respond period. They know how to twist the knife just so, because, they know where your heart is and how soft it is.

Keep ranting. Don't doubt yourself.

I tried to find the one I was reading on line that I googled and can't find it. But when you type in Gaslight to Google there is a whole plethora of articles to enlighten. This one was really good though.

I had a laugh because I just saw one titled, "Is God Gaslighting Me." hahaha. I thought, 'No, but your church leader may be. Or if you are Mormon probably is for sure."

A new one I've found that I'd say is well written is called, "Gaslighting in Relationships: How to spot it and shut it down"
if anyone is interested. I can't seem to post the link.

Really important information everyone should know.

Thanks for the info.

It doesn't just take mormonism, but then my siblings were raised in mormonism. My sisters are expert at gaslighting.

Everything has always been my fault as far as they are concerned. And I do what you do. I start thinking it is all my fault. Right now I'm trying to be nice to them, but not be their "friends." My one sister is not mormon any longer, though she sometimes posts things that leaders say or loved touring the Brigham City temple, though she has never been "through" the temple. And I'm not speaking to her right now because of something she did. I just stopped talking to her because of what she did, but she'll be working on me soon I'm sure. Most of my family is out of the church.

Don't let them guilt you into feeling like you are the bad guy. I've done it far too many times in my life. I'm the "identified patient" in my family per my therapist since I get help and they don't. He hasn't just helped me with mormonism and my gay/straight marriage, but with my family members.

DO NOT EVER SAY YOU ARE SORRY TO THEM.

I am kind of in the same boat. I have been doing no-contact the best i can but the virus thing kind of made my father think that he has the ok now to try to contact me and i even ran into him during a delivery. They know damn well i am doing better since leaving the cult or fold or whatever you want to call it. Been working really hard with therapy and everything but they can not stand that i figured it out a long time ago and do not have to do a million rituals and meetings like they do. They have always hated me for not going along with their little program. To be honest this is the best chance that i will ever have at a real life so i have to take things seriously. They conditioned me to believe that i will never make it on my own in this world and i admit that living in the real world full time is difficult but i think that i can make it if i keep going. They always find a way to try to get to me. They have no clue the gravity of damage that was put on me and all the tactics in the book used against me. My mind is still not all the way healed but screw it i'm doing the best i can and i work pretty much everyday and i still have unfixed pain issues but oh well. Life is pain right.

My father still has not acknowledged anything he did to me either. The man drives me bonkers.

Even while you protect yourself from obviously self-serving love bombing, please keep in mind that many people are not themselves while under the influence of Mormonism.

Some day they may come around and be normal again.

I sincerely wish you good luck!

sir rantsalot Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> And then every time I have to talk to my
> spouse and to my therapist and re-read past past
> emails to remember why I chose to become estranged
> in the first place. How much happier and healthier
> I am without them in my life.


Just keep remembering that.

It's unfortunate, but Mormons always think that the best time to get to someone is when there's a scary crisis afoot. They think that's when you're vulnerable and they can swoop in. How annoying.

Yes, I was without food and they tried ordering me some online. Luckily deliveries were sold out and I remained hungry. Someone else came to my rescue then. I am trying to figure out how to stop my mormon family sending me gift vouchers for birthdays etc. I’ve told them not to but they still do. Perhaps I will just not spend them but I hate it how mormons get off on this.

I’m on the complete opposite end. At least love bombing means in their own way they care. My children put their heads together and concocted a completely made up story for no other reason than to be cruel. Supposedly I was suicidal and curled up in a ball on the floor crying because I wanted to kill myself (while I was in the middle of moving). They did affidavits and sent 4 cops to my door and thought they could have me committed. And 2 of the three of them hadn't even seen me or spoken to me in several years but they thought they could convince the cops that they knew it through telepathy or something. It was so awful and humiliating. I was scared shitless because I have a good friend whose son was shot dead by cops when someone called for a “welfare check” on him. I had to get friends, co-workers and my landlord over there to vouch for me being perfectly sane, although stressed. I never heard from them after the cops told them their little ploy didn’t work. And I guess there is no law against that kind of harassment and making false claims.

But be glad you only have to put up with love bombing not hate bombing.

OMG NormaRae, OMG! To have your own turn on you like that. OMG.

Well it did make it easier to realize I needed to get out of their orbit and that of the person they inherited that sociopathy from, before I ended up the subject of one of those Dateline shows where viewers are shaking their heads going “why didn’t she see it coming?” It was hard to really let go because of my grandkids, but when there are red flags that you’re literally tripping over, it finally clicks.

I don’t know your story but I can relate somewhat. I do think this sounds like a typical stage in the cycle of abuse.

What you do or don’t do I think is best decided on what you genuinely want as an outcome. If you genuinely want them to leave you alone for good and you have stated that and it’s not working, then perhaps you could increase your blocking methods.You can change your email address and phone number and return mail in the post you know is from them. Personal visits from unwanted people especially reps from the corp can be dealt with by a lawyer. I remember when I resigned from the mormon church it was only the threat of legal action which made them accept my resignation and respect my wish for them to leave me alone.

Of course the best way is to offend them, which is easily done with mormons. Just swear, call mormonism a destructive cult, etc. I’m certainly not against this method!

The downside to this is then you might be more prone to their guilt trips, which as a recipient of abuse, you are of course prone to being affected by; as you say, you almost buy into them making it your fault. For that reason, you might find it easier to take the moral high ground. You can restate clearly what your honest opinion is of the mormon corporation, why it is a cult, and that you will never, ever return. I think repetition is necessary with mormons because they really don’t get it and always believe they are right. Tell them that you want to have a relationship with them but only if the subject of religion, including their own views, is never discussed again, including subtle references to their beliefs. You can tell them that unless they are willing to respect your views as being of equal importance to their own, and therefore not discuss their beliefs with you, then they should leave you alone. You also want a sincere apology for what they did, an explanation as to why they did that, and a reassurance it will not happen again. You can perhaps repeat all of this each time they contact you (copy and paste?!) Then block.

We know of course that they will be either unwilling or unable to comply. Either they will not respond and go silent, ignore your request and carry on, or guilt trip you for setting a boundary. Either way you will then be openly legitimate in taking whatever means are necessary to cutting them off completely.

I think honestly if they become openly disrespectful and unkind, which is what your post implies has happened in the past, in many ways this is a blessing. In my experience TBMs are never nice, but it is the subtle backstabbing with overt niceness and passive aggressive behaviour that is worse. That’s where you are now. That’s where I am now too. You did the right thing in protesting previous treatment which now actually puts you at an advantage.

I made the mistake of taking the responsibility in the past and now I am paying the price. Don’t ever forget how people treat you if it is a pattern or just who they are. About 6 years ago my brother and sil got my teenage daughter to go back to church behind my back. This was disrespectful to me and I was devastated and furious when I found out. I wrote an angry email to my family telling them why I didn’t want her to be a part of their religion, which included why it is a cult and why it would be destructive to her. I’m amazed that I didn’t swear I was so angry.

And can you believe they considered me to be in the wrong, they got offended and don’t think they did anything wrong themselves. Their arrogance is gobsmacking. I’m a survivor of emotional abuse and as such I am prone to taking responsibility for everything and really hate confrontation. So I ended up apologising for my part (as in being so angry), thinking they would do the same and it would be resolved.

Of course what really happened is that they accepted my apology and didn’t return with one of their own. And then proceeded more covertly to turn my daughter against me, yet I had no idea about that until 4 years later. During that time I went to stay with them and they were SO nice to me; they took me everywhere, bought me food and clothes, and everything seemed so amazing and great. My spidey-sense only went off when they visited here a few months later and were completely different with me. It was only later that I understood why I felt so confused. Not only had they been saying unkind things about me to my daughter for years, they also said that the email I had sent 4 years previously was “unforgivable”. I was astonished not just by the hypocrisy, but that they’d been so nice to me. I think mormon kindness is really about converting people. They are unable to function normally. It leads to a lot of confusing behaviour when they can’t decide if you’re a potential convert or an unforgivable sinner. And of course if you are confused it’s also a sign you are being manipulated.

The silver lining in it all for me is that my daughter eventually saw through it all and understands the situation very well. I can’t tell you how much it helps to be validated after years of behaviour from the rest of my family which was tantamount to gaslighting. I hope this message can do the same for you and that you find good people in your life to replace all this nonsense.

So, my advice is to trust your gut instincts, your previous experiences with them, and what you know happened. Don’t trust the lovebombing or their version of events; it’s classic abuse behaviour. I wish I had never apologised and given in because my life would be better now instead of still dealing with this crap. It really is never ending. And the worst part about it there is nothing obvious I can call them out on so they are still sort of in my life. It’s better to call people out at the time and stick to your guns.

You might sometimes believe you are to blame because then there is hope that the situation can be fixed and then there will be love again. But remember: hope and beliefs don’t make things true!

At the moment I am also struggling with boundaries with family due to the pandemic. Everyone is in touch more and wanting to check we are all ok. I fell into the temptation to respond and give a lot of info because deep down I want a good relationship with them. But it is false hope I think and I pay the price by being really triggered by their weird behaviour. I’ve since reflected that the fundamental issue is that I just can’t trust them. And if you can’t trust people then a relationship just isn’t possible. So what’s the alternative? There isn’t a good one, but you can do what is best for you. I’ve returned to giving shorter answers and redrawing boundaries, but I’ve made things more difficult for myself by trying to do the ‘right’ thing.

You (might) want/ need to tell them 'how it is'.

Sometimes the truth hurts... but it's better than you hurting.

Best wishes my friend