I am not looking for anyone to sympathize with me, or really to bash on the church at all. I just needed to vent out my feelings.
I am in shelter-in-place because of Covid-19 in a small house with my wife and my mother and father. Of course, as my mom and dad are soooo devout, they needed to watch every. single. session. of. conference. Now, I have not been to church in... 15 years, and my wife has never been, but God. Really? Waving handkerchiefs? Needing to put on every session? Gushing about how amazing it all is? How spiritual? I really thought I was over the pain of getting out. I really felt like I had my feelings and anger sorted after so many years. I literally took a long shower just to hide and cry.
I am seriously not looking for sympathy. I just needed a place to write this out because my wife cannot understand as she was lucky enough to not grow up like this, and obviously social media would just end in a family fight.
I am tired of being the black sheep. I am tired of the pity or the random book of mormons being left out. The bullshit conversations. In my time away from the church I have tried to lead a good life, not because of a promise of heaven or a threat of hell; but because I wanted to be nice to others. No ulterior motives. I am sure you all get it. Just at my wits end today after two days of being held hostage to old white people on TV telling me bullshit I thought I got away from. Seriously.
I am tired of feeling second-best. A leftover in my own home and family because I got away. After 15 years now I really thought I had come to terms with it, but I guess it is one of those things that will always be under the surface.
I really felt, after being stuck with this for two days, two full days of every session of conference, that I was stuck in the same room with a group of people reliving my torment and having no way out.
Sorry all. I never post, and maybe that is for the best.
Long time lurker, first or second time poster.

I'd probably feel quite resentful about having to watch that crap and not being able to go anywhere to get away from it. Having to hear them gush about it makes it even worse. I don't blame you for feeling that way at all.

(if legal) You & whoever (wife) get in your car & find a place with a nice view, sunset or ???

Sheesh Mormons, is it ever ENOUGH???

sanity first, without that, What's the point???

Serenity NOW!

Circumstances through which you are now suffering can certainly be fatiguing.

I suppose you know your options, but may I suggest mine? Go for long walks. This not only gets you out of the house, but let's you see what else is happening in your neighborhood. At least it it can be therapeutic by offering you some quiet time alone, for as long is you wish.

Repeat the above, as needed.

Thanks everyone for the love. I think a lot of this is that we have been dealing with this for almost 3 months now. I work in a country where it hit early on and got evacuated months ago. Guessing a lot of this is 3 months of Covid-stress. Now that it is here in the US, I get to go through it all again.
Just tired and I guess this is kinda the proverbial straw breaking my back.

Thanks for the kind words and the ideas. Yeah, honestly I have avoided a therapist for this and a bunch of other issues. Mostly happy because I have been able to take some low dose meds and mellow it out. I think being basically trapped, unable to return to my home (the other country) and dealing with Covid for 3 months along with 2 straight days of having to relive church is making me realize I am just masking some of the problems. I am not going to pretend that all my problems stem from church issues, but I would be lying if I said that it did not play some part in the mess I seem to be at times. That all being said, this is just a rough time and normally I dont give this stuff a second thought. Just will be nice when I can return to my own home, my work, my life, and go back to having the family in smaller doses. I genuinely love my parents, I am glad I am able to be here to take care of them so they don't need to risk going out, and I am very lucky that my wife and I have a boss who lets us work from home and continues to give us full pay, I think it is just being on edge for 3 months and then GC blaring today and yesterday along with getting the repeated play-by-play like I was not in the house for 90% of the sessions.
Again, thanks for the food-for-thought on the therapist. Sadly I normally live in a country where that is not possible but maybe I will see if I can find one that is online or something. I guess just masking the issues with low-dose zoloft is not always going to cut it.

d words and the ideas. Yeah, honestly I have avoided a therapist for this and a bunch of other issues. Mostly happy because I have been able to take some low dose meds and mellow it out. I think being basically trapped, unable to return to my home (the other country) and dealing with Covid for 3 months along with 2 straight days of having to relive church is making me realize I am just masking some of the problems. I am not going to pretend that all my problems stem from church issues, but I would be lying if I said that it did not play some part in the mess I seem to be at times. That all being said, this is just a rough time and normally I dont give this stuff a second thought. Just will be nice when I can return to my own home, my work, my life, and go back to having the family in smaller doses. I genuinely love my parents, I am glad I am able to be here to take care of them so they don't need to risk going out, and I am very lucky that my wife and I have a boss who lets us work from home and continues to give us full pay, I think it is just being on edge for 3 months and then GC blaring today and yesterday along with getting the repeated play-by-play like I was not in the house for 90% of the sessions.
Again, thanks for the food-for-thought on the therapist. Sadly I normally live in a country where that is not possible but maybe I will see if I can find one that is online or something. I guess just masking the issues with low-dose zoloft is not always going to cut it.

I feel your pain. I too thought i was totally over my upbringing. I too am the blacksheep in their eyes(actually a pretty good dude in real world i am learning). I imagined my family waving hanky's where ever they are thinking that it is totally awesome and actually accomplishes something. Oaks did not even know how to do it and he is a d@mn apostle. Anyways, i feel for your hostage situation. I actually made an ex-mormon GC video to help me counter and show support to those that are being held hostage. I know that hostage situation all too well believe me. I realized i still have unresolved anger and issues still.

Trust me when i say the blacksheeps ARE the sane ones but they did make our lives a living hell. I wanted to disappear to somewhere else for most of my life.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Post more. It really does help A LOT. It helped me heal. Have you seen a therapist? An exmormon preferably.

That hosanna shout was ridiculous, pathetic.

I second the therapist part. Don’t cheap out, you need it. It’s your new tithing check.

I second that. Biggest waste of money: tithing. Best money I ever spent: a good therapist. I skype with my therapist now under lockdown, I don’t know what I would do without it. This pandemic has heightened everything I was going through before, with family in contact all time. I’m working in a London Hospital too. I thought things were difficult before. It’s difficult for us exmormons with our families, you need someone on your side when you’re the black sheep of the family.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/06/2020 02:43AM by Third of Five.

Thanks for posting, Just Venting. Three months! You are ahead of us. Do you and your wife have a private bedroom, a yard, a balcony? Some noise-cancelling headphones on Amazon would be worth the huge expense.

So much of this isolation is having to cope with the demons in your own head. I suffer from waves of PTSD flashbacks, but I'm lucky, because I'm in shelter with wonderful people that I love, who are on my side, in helping me. Yeah, I've been with a family like your parents, and you do feel they are against you. Well, let me tell you that they probably ARE against you! Yes, the nasty Mormons (as opposed to the nice ones) want you to fail, and come crawling back to the cult. They want you to be shunned, to feel less worthy, to doubt yourself, and all those bad things. Anything to make you go back! This is not in your imagination. Now that you have faced the facts, you can throw off their slings and arrows, much like you protect yourself from germs. The difference is that words can't really hurt you.

Perhaps you could reason with your family, as I have with mine, to not talk non-stop about the bad things happening--especially in front of the children--and bad political accusations, and hysterical predictions of fatalities and financial disaters--and cdrtainly not talk about DEATH or RELIGION.

Still, my family will pray together, for comfort, all of us to the same God. Even without belief in God, prayer works much like meditation, and is very calming. Praying is not the same as selling and preaching and manipulating.

Seriously, a group such as you are in, in a confined isolation, for months on end--MUST work hard to keep your sanity!

Writing on RFM, or just writing to yoursef, helps. At least you are safe. (((hugs)))

I took my own advice, and didn't watch conference, or even hear it in the next room, and will not talk about it to my family. I do read what RFM has to say about conference, to keep up on what is influencing my TBM family members, but that is all.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2020 08:59PM by forestpal.

take long walks out side, and it's almost warm enough to go camping,... In like 3-4 weeks. Take care of your sanity. And if your in a bad mood, try really hard to not ruin other peoples day or be rude. I always feel guilty when I slip (in this way).

macaRomney Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> And if your in a bad mood,
> try really hard to not ruin other peoples day or
> be rude. I always feel guilty when I slip (in this
> way).

Great advice I'm taking to heart. My it is hard to not give into our natural inclination to deal with our stress by stressing others. There is a big world out there and we are adaptive and creative creatures. We don't need to be lazy in dealing with our moods and stress and just biting the person next to us.

First take care of yourself. Then of your family. Don't waste your time procrastinating or doing stupid things. Improve your knowledge. Study new stuff. I use big essay database https://www.wowessays.com/ to find something interesting and useful.

This is exactly what the board was set up for.

Good luck, and thank you for venting.

I’m not sure whose house you are in but you don’t have to stay in the same room as them, and you could always go for long walks. Even if it’s their house they can’t tell you what to do and you are entitled to tell them there are some things you will not discuss.
I really feel for you, I don’t know how I’d cope with that. This situation is very triggering when we are thrown closer to things we’ve left behind. Remember that what is happening now is an extension of the spiritual abuse that you previously escaped from. Is there really nowhere else you can live? Either way you will need to be really assertive in order to protect your wellbeing. It is not okay for anyone to try and convert you, this is disrespectful. But if you are there to look after them then they owe you some respect and consideration in return. Under normal circumstances you could just avoid all of this. Mormons will never understand this and the only way is to be blatant with them. If you choose not to be, then unfortunately I think you can expect more of the same. It is an impossible situation really whatever you do, mormonism just makes that so, we all get that here so keep venting.

If it's any comfort, lots of exmos find General Conference triggering. Some people have been off of the board for years, and then have to come back because of something they heard in GC. I agree with Forestpal that you might want to get noise-cancelling headphones (or *any* headphones) ahead of the next conference. Then read or listen to a good book, surf the web, or whatever you wish. Or as another board member suggested, get out of the house and take a long walk.

Here's something else you might try: Start to think of it as *their* religion. Not your former religion. It will help you to start establishing a mental distance from it. Treat Mormonism like an anthropologist or sociologist might treat it: As something that you observe but do not participate in. Try not to take what others say personally. They are sharing something that is important to them. Just repeat what they say back to them, i.e., "So you are saying that President Nelson wants members to participate in a fast." Or, "It sounds like you enjoyed that talk." Turn whatever they say into YOU statements (that don't necessarily have anything to do with yourself.)

If you are able to take it a step further, when you talk to others, call the Mormon church, "YOUR church," i.e. "I see that your church is doing A, B, and C."