Had a brief matter of business to conduct with the family estate attorney today. It seems that our (the estate) attorney is quite familiar and good friends with my NPD sis's attorney. Our attorney filled in Sis's attorney on Sis's "trail of destruction" over many years. This is, of course, what my mother has told our attorney over many years and not anything I've said to him.

Sis's attorney now has the total picture and not just the manufactured drivel my sis has been feeding him suggesting that Sis is a victim who has been abused and mistreated by everyone in our family. Thank goodness Sis's attorney is a respected and intelligent professional and not some ambulance chaser, wet behind the ears who is only out to make a quick buck. The estate attorney assured me that Sis's attorney is now aware of all the facts regarding Sis's past behavior and that her attorney will not be encouraging her to continually harass the estate attorney on matters of trivia. That's a relief because every call her attorney makes to our attorney to ask pointless and paranoid questions just costs the estate, and Sis, more money. Sis's attorney was probably suspecting all along that he was dealing with someone at least one brick short of a load for quite some time. This news made my day a bit more pleasant.

Well, that's some good news. How quickly can you get the estate wound up?

It will take many more months because the state death taxes must be paid first and then my mother's 2020 state income taxes must also be paid. If we were from a state that didn't collect death taxes, state income taxes, and had a less egregious tax system, this would all go much more quickly.

I have a friend in California whose mother died two years ago and her brothers are making her life a living agony. They are fighting over the house and other property. My friend is also the executor of the estate and cannot get the brothers to agree on anything. She is tormented by her brothers continually so I'm not complaining. Sis is giving me the silent treatment which is always a holiday from my perspective.

Luckily, our mother was divested of all property that would normally be contested like land and house so I think this will be over in six to eight months at the longest. We have a terrific estate attorney who really knows his business. If Sis would just relax and stop foaming at the mouth, she would get her money sooner rather than later. She is her own worst enemy and the one who wants her inheritance yesterday. I'm current on all the paperwork the attorney needs. If she would cool her jets everything would happen faster. She's the one desperate for cash, not me. That's what is so ridiculous about all her complaining.

At least there will be an end to it. My brother was in charge of my mom's estate, and I think it took about four months or so to wind up. I remember there being a lot of paperwork.

If my sis were mentally and emotionally healthy she would see that I've done a really good job managing our mother's assets. In the back of my mind I guess I'd like somebody to realize this and say, "Well done!" But that's never going to happen.

If I had wanted to I could have really made a mess of everything and made her life miserable. Just my luck. I've got scruples.

One of the issues that annoys family members is that they feel powerless in getting all the information. They feel that they are being withheld data. It's a power thing. Humans have a tendency to not tell 'all' the truth for whatever reason, and that can be interpreted as a selfish motive by those not in charge. Consider all the drama heaved at the POTUS, he gets blamed for almost everything bad happening, and many many people are suspicious because they aren't in the loop of information. They feel powerless.

So my advice is in matters of money we all should be 100% transparent.

I have been transparent. As trustee and executor I invited Sis to go to the bank and inspect anything she wanted. She had open access to all the statements. By NOT taking me up on that offer she was able to complain that I was stealing our mother's money and she was being victimized. Had she spoken with the bank authorities they would have confirmed that this was NOT the case.

Sis loves playing the role of victim. She gets way more sympathy and attention that way. She also needs a scapegoat. Everything in her life that goes badly has to be someone else's responsibility.

For years Dad was the scapegoat. When he died, Mom became the scapegoat. Now that Mom is gone, guess who gets the title? Yep! You guessed it.

Good grief. You mean transparent like releasing tax records, I'm sure.

It is remarkable how he managed to squeeze a defense of Trump into a discussion of trusts and estates, isn’t it.

I guess it depends on your family. I trust my brother completely. I never had any questions or concerns about how he handled my mom's estate.

So true, my brother was fair to a fault with both Mom’s estate and our Grandmother’s.

I am not an attorney, but this helped a great deal when my mother passed away last year. We had sold her house and put into a managed fund (it was by Chase, though it can be anybody, Fidelity etc.). All her monies she got from her boyfriends over the years also went into managed funds by Chase. We set up 3 funds all with the the notation of ToD, Transfer on Death. The funds then had myself and the grandchildren set up as beneficiaries. There can be multiple beneficiaries per fund with a percentage attached to each. There was no fighting, no arguing as everything was very clear. A death certificate and filling out the Chase forms is all that was required to get the inheritances. No attorneys needed. Her nursing home costs and other expenses were paid out of each of the 3 funds while she was still alive so they drew down equally percentage wise. This is just a suggestion. My attorney did not even charge me when he reviewed how I had set up my mother's estate and said it would be simple to manage. He recommended more folks do the same. The will covered items other than money. Not all inheritances will be this easy. I was lucky not to have family drama.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2020 09:20AM by Eric K.

It sounds like you are lucky that sis' attorney might be reasonable and wants to put an end to all of this. Keep your fingers crossed that he can get through to sis. She could spaz out and instruct her attorney to ramp up the harassment. At that point he could either take the money and keep going at it, or walk away and she can get another attorney. Hopefully cooler heads will prevail.

I have been in a fight with members of my family over my parents estate for 15+ years. Before passing away, my lying father told the other members of my family that he was lied to and deceived by his estate planners and lawyers (all friends of the family and good members of the church). They believed him and tried to overturn the estate plans. When they couldn't do that, they sued the estate planners and lawyers for $15 million for fraud, elder abuse, conspiracy, etc. Because I supported the estate planners/attorneys, they named me in the suit as a conspirator with the estate planners/lawyers. They lost in court, I was dismissed half-way through the trial (because the judge found no evidence linking me to any estate planning), and the estate planners were awarded $1 million in attorney's fees. My estranged family members appealed (which brought me back into it all) and we are waiting for a decision on the appeal. It has been on appeal going on three years now. My total legal fees are over $500,000.

Hopefully your sis will come to her senses (don't hold your breath though) and you can resolve this once and for all and move on with your life. Good luck!

Fifteen years is awful! I'm surprised a few of the relatives haven't died at this point.

I'm lucky that Sis is the only contentious relative. Her kids support her but they aren't really instigating anything.

I'm also lucky that Sis thinks she could die at any moment (this is part of her drama queen personality). She's so worried that she might die before she gets to spend her money that I doubt she will let things drag out for years. She's mostly angry about the little stuff she'd had her eye on for decades. Some of it Mom didn't even own any more but Sis didn't know that because she never went to visit Mom. She sent me a list of things she wanted and only two of the items were still in Mom's apartment.

Does she realize that her lawyer's fees are eating away at the estate?

The estate attorney is paid out of the estate. He is working with me alone since I'm the executor. Her lawyer is being paid solely by her. I'm sure her lawyer is happy to go on taking her money. Fortunately her lawyer is a decent guy and giving her good advice. Whether or not she takes it is another matter.

Ahh, that's good. So she's wasting her own money.

It’s sad at this phase of life when people show their true colors, mostly related to money and greed. In the last few years I lost my wife, father and brother. So much acrimony over my dad’s estate, and certain parties tried to cheat our niece (my deceased brother’s daughter) out of her share; stepmom and half sister tried to cheat everyone else out of everything, and oldest brother tried to bamboozle everyone and landed us all in a lawsuit that cost most of us significantly. My wife saw that, and other toxic family stuff, so when she was diagnosed with cancer she asked me not to even tell anyone. Fortunately, when she passed her affairs were nobody else’s business—not to say that they didn’t try to meddle—and I took care of it all myself.

People can be wretched.

Anyway, sorry that you’re having to deal with this.

Thanks GBS! It's nice to hear from people who have also been through this stuff.

I know Sis is trashing me around town. She's probably trashing me on social media cause she's cowardly. And I strongly believe she is raging to her children.

Fortunately, as far as I now know, she's not as bad as some of the people I've heard from. So, I guess I should be thankful. In my case, I guess it's just about waiting out the process and being grateful that she has chosen to give me the silent treatment.

I've been thinking about not sending her a Christmas or birthday gift this year and going totally "No Contact". It feels harsh but I'm getting really sick of the emotional abuse. "No Contact" would put an end to all the craziness. It would just be a permanent extension of her "Silent Treatment".

What do you all think about me going No Contact?

I think the minute she hired a lawyer was when your relationship was, for all purposes, over.

Last Christmas when my mother was still living, I agreed to meet my sister a few days before the holiday to exchange gifts and have lunch. My mother even commented that I was being awfully nice to her after all her rotten behavior. This year I think I will stop being a sucker and forgo the phony act. She will probably have moved anyway. Doubt she will forward her new address if she is still giving me the silent treatment. It would be the perfect time for me to bow out.

Practice "speed birding"!

Get good at flipping a bird, and matching it with a trace of a bored sneer. Eventually you'll run into here and you'll be prepared!