My divorce was final in September.

I'm doing fabulous!

I'm 57. Not really motivated to date, but...I don't know. My friend says e-harmony. I said, "Isn't that pretty Christian?" She said it wasn't.

Probably best to stay hermit-y until the Corona cooties go away. Then there's other cooties to consider. Oh yuck. Netflix it is.

Oh you can walk the straight and narrow
But with a little bit of luck you'll run amok

Not motivated to date? Then don't. It's your life, and you get the only vote that counts; everything else is background noise.

There's nothing wrong with flying solo for a while just to see if it agrees with you.

If you Google "is e-harmony a Christian dating website" many returns will come up.

Two of them say:

"....founded on traditional Christian beliefs," and....

"committed to helping Christian singles find love everyday"

I know for a fact that at one point (maybe fifteen years or so ago) e-harmony was basically "notorious" because of the deep Christian beliefs of the site, and how their deeply-held conservative religious beliefs interacted [negatively] with those seeking to use their services.

It is likely that dating activities (as with so many other activities in our lives) have moved online because of the coronavirus. My suggestion is to think about what you like to do (or WOULD like to do if you had the opportunity) and find online groups dedicated to those activities. (Could be sailing, politics, cooking, a new foreign language, etc.) There are many real life stories of people who formed solid in-person relationships from what began as two people, initially strangers to each other, who were each interested in the same subject or activity.

In the meantime, the best advice is always to make the best of the time you are living in now. If you figure out what you've "always" wanted to do (or learn, or "be") but never were able to actually pursue before, not only will that be a positive in your life for you now, it might also (possibly) be the introduction point to someone who could become a potentially serious relationship.

It doesn't always work, but it does a lot of the time.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/09/2020 05:57PM by Tevai.

Good advice. I'd add that joining an online dating site and talking to people on the phone may be nice. In a way COVID slows the dating process down and hence may be less stressful for some.

But again, she should do no more and no less than exactly what she wants!

There are dating sites devoted to seniors. They may be worth a try. I know of two young couples who met through a dating site. I want to say that it was Match.com.

It's nice if you can meet a potential partner organically through a shared interest, but people do use dating sites successfully.

Best advice I ever received. Wait one month for every year married before dating.

A coupla things. And this is applicable to any age, but I think it gets worse as we move up in the age pool. The thing you don’t get in Internet dating is a pool of people who have known that person for a long time in different capacities. I’ve seen SO many people get into relationships where they think they’ve given it enough time that they know that person. Even if they did a lot of e-mail and phone conversations when they met in person, only to find out after they moved in or dated seriously for a long time that they were in something very toxic. They find out later from people they’ve finally met who have known the person much longer that they’ve had real issues that even their friends knew about. They often have friends who would have liked to warn the new partner but they didn’t know how. Or they were hoping that maybe this time would be different.

The other thing is that there really is something to be said for being set in your ways and enjoying your independence. After you get in a live-in relationship, it’s harder to go back. Either you have to leave or kick them out.

If possible I think it’s so much better if you meet someone that a friend or friends have known for a long time and can vouch for. And trust your friends who say they think you would enjoy that person’s company. Get involved in groups where you can meet like-minded people. Not necessarily where you will meet a partner, but where you can meet the kind of people who would have the kind of friends who you would like.

And now that you know your supposed eternal salvation has no bearing on whether or not you had sexual relations with someone to whom you were not legally or lawfully wed, there is nothing wrong with being a couple who doesn’t want to live together. Take plenty of time to make that decision. There might be huge financial advantages to living together. But if that is the main, or a top reason for doing it, remember that there are plenty of people who have lots of material stuff and super nice homes who are miserable because in order to have those things, they’re stuck with someone they’d give anything to be rid of.

I really wish I could have told myself who thought she had to find someone 25+ years ago when I got divorced, the things I’ve learned the hard way. But one thing I have never wished I’d done differently was getting divorced. Although I do wish I’d not been in even more of a rush to get divorced than I was to get married, as I capitulated to his manipulation and agreed to some financial things that came back to bite me in the butt. But putting regret behind you and trying to do the best you can with the situation you find yourself in is the ONLY way to have the best life you can.

I can't speak from experience, but think hard before entangling yourself legally and financially with another family.

Finding a friend with benefits is one thing. Moving in together as friends with an agreement is another option. It's not like you HAVE to be married to be with someone nowadays. I think I've seen enough women thinking they have to be married or with a man to be happy.

NormaRae gives good advice. Enjoy your freedom!

Yup! Twiced divorced. Never again.

I was binge-listening to the "Savage Love" podcast yesterday and on one of them they mentioned some research that found women the ideal age for a male mate to be two to three years older than themself, whatever the woman's age might be. Meanwhile, men think the ideal age for a female mate is 25, whatever the man's age might be. Yeah, because, well, we men are pigs.

More interesting was research that found women become bored with their relationship four or five years sooner than men.

I was watching a video that must have referred to the same research.

The Therapist said men's sexual interest declined at a slow, but steady pace after marriage.

Women's sexual interest plummeted after marriage. She claimed that the reason for this was that women are all about the romance, the story. Things that are often lacking after marriage.

Get involved in public groups. Not big groups, things like Friends of the Zoo, Audubon Society, Art group. Stuff like that - depending on Covid restrictions and your interests.

You will find you meet people who are involved in something positive and not 'on the prowl' for partners. Friendships can develop and when one finds a friend it can be positive all the way around.

You tend to meet more people when involved in these activities and pursuits and get to see them for a bit without all the desperation of 'buy a date' services.

hey Dorothy:
if you are ever around Orem Utah and want to stop by for a game of chess give me a holler

Dang. I wish I was any good at chess. I blame being raised in the church with it's ingrained misogyny. That and the fact that I'm old.

Growing up in what was then rural Sandy Utah, chess and math--they were for boys. My dad refused to spend one dime on my education saying that it would be a waste since I was just going to stay home and have babies.

Pretty interesting that I became a nurse on a full scholarship--thanks Weber State--and it was the only thing my dad was ever interested in talking about with me.

My brother had the title of "the smart one" in the family. He played chess and did AP math in High School.

I didn't figure out I was okay at math until I took a statistics class in 2010 and chewed it up!

I decided to cancel my Salt Lake plans for Thanksgiving. Darn Corona anyway.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/13/2020 01:31PM by Dorothy.

you don't have to be good at it. Sometimes it is more for friendship

Dorothy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dang. I wish I was any good at chess. I blame
> being raised in the church with it's ingrained
> misogyny. That and the fact that I'm old.
>
> Growing up in what was then rural Sandy Utah,
> chess and math--they were for boys. My dad refused
> to spend one dime on my education saying that it
> would be a waste since I was just going to stay
> home and have babies.
>
> Pretty interesting that I became a nurse on a full
> scholarship--thanks Weber State--and it was the
> only thing my dad was ever interested in talking
> about with me.
>
> My brother had the title of "the smart one" in the
> family. He played chess and did AP math in High
> School.
>
> I didn't figure out I was okay at math until I
> took a statistics class in 2010 and chewed it up!
>
>
> I decided to cancel my Salt Lake plans for
> Thanksgiving. Darn Corona anyway.

Oh you’re so right about the ingrained misogyny and education. My mom had 3 of us in 3 years. I was in the middle, the other two were boys. We were all very smart but I was the one who was the really good student, basically a straight A student (but did get 2 Bs in high school). But my dad didn’t give a flying fuck about my grades. I understood early that my going to college was simply for the purpose of husband hunting and he was pissed when he paid for 2 years with no husband prospects. The boys’ education was a top priority. They’d get a bad grade and the Dad patrol sprung into high alert. I gave up, dropped out of BYU to come home and marry into the ward weirdo family to get my dad off my back. I was 48 and divorced when I finally got my Bachelor’s degree.

My granddaughter is in middle school and is brilliant. But she’s fixated on going to BYU. She luckily doesn’t have the misogynistic influences I had. I tell her all the time that I support anywhere she wants to go to college or any degree she wants to pursue as long as it’s in the pursuit of being able to take care of herself. I tell her to stay hyper focused on becoming self-sufficient so she has lots of choices instead of just one (marriage). Marriage then is icing on the cake with the right person. And she will have choices in marriage also with the ability to still pursue other passions. Right now she totally seems to grasp that. But hormones vs brains battle is just around the corner so we’ll see.

I’m so glad she has you for excellent advice. My brainiac daughter followed my nurse path. We’re both super happy to have a good career. She had complete support. Lucky girl.

Remember, wherever you are, you always think you oughta be there instead.

Hey all. Thanks for the thoughtful advice. When I first wrote my post, I gave the back story and what my current thinking is, but it drug on so long.

Heartless is right. It's way too soon to date after a 35 year marriage.

Not being very motivated is a good clue that it's not time. Being restless and bored can be addressed in much better ways.

I can see zero reasons to ever get remarried. I'm not after a long term relationship--I'm loving my freedom.

I miss having a sex life, but I'm way too squeamish and cautious to consider a hook-up.

Joining a group is definitely in the post Corona plans. Not necessarily to meet someone, just to have interesting social opportunities.

csuprovograd has it right--that restless part that's always looking for something else. Some of my favorite authors talk about an unconditional yes to what is.

What is is fine.

My brand new car is broken down. I'm waiting for a tow. That's fine too.

live along for a length of time. not too short. be sure you savor living alone and all the freeedom it brings. even if you meet someone do not be too quick to give up living alone. get comfortable with living alone to find out who you are now.

find groups with a common interest or volunteer intentions. lots of volunteer groups are primarily women.

if you later decide to try to meet someone, go for it! but live alone for a goodly length of time to find yourself and become comfortable.

Getting divorced is like leaving a cult. You miss the cult life. It’s better to decompress for a while.

Divorce is a tough situation that I know about from personal experience.
I just live my life day to day.
My kids are grown up with families of their own.

"Divorce is whatever your attorney helps you make of it."

"Divorce is never having to say, 'it's your turn to load the dishwasher'."



I find it amusing that Catholic ghawd doesn't believe in divorce. Well, it's the antics this causes that are amusing...

Divorce means never having to say you have a headache.

Some fundamentalist christians don't either. My mother could not get married to her second husband in her church because my father is still alive. The Episcopalians who performed my father and stepmom's marriage were like, meh. Dad isn't even an Episcopalian. meh they say

Well, getting divorced was one of the costliest and most rewarding things I've ever done. I got my sanity back, including being able to pursue leaving the cult!

Socrates?

Idunno who, but some sage said: "First Know Thyself."

So now finally is a great opportunity -- undistracted by spouse, by trying to "make it," by the demands of innumerable others -- to discover the who-am-I-really, because it has undoubtedly been papered over and obscured by a lifetime of "education" on "how-to-be-good-by-denying-and-harnessing-thyself-to-benefit-others." In becoming civilized, a high price is paid.

First know thyself because everything else depends on the answer to that.

You might be really surprised to find out that what you've become is not who you are. That the "must haves" and "must do's" we have been inculcated with, are just so much unnecessary luggage.

Know thyself and everything becomes clear after that.
Every path illuminated.