because I didn't want to bother with signing in as a stranger... the nerve of them... I've been on and off this site for years, so its kind of insulting when I have to jump through hoops to get on with my old name... I hope that makes sense... I've had a crap day today and I'm worn out.
Lot's Wife Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Okay, okay. > > So EOD, a bishop, and a rabbi walk into a > library. > > That's the joke. EOD in a library.
Early Onset Dementia, Entertainment on Demand, Electric Organ Discharge, Extent of Disease, Explosive Ordnance De(s)pot: There are so many that would work!
A limbo dancer walks into a bar. .... Gets disqualified.
What's a pirate say when he turns 80?
AYE'MATEY.
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
Private Petrov's mother died and the top brass told his drill sergeant to inform him, but do it delicately. On the next day the sergeant gathers the entire platoon and shouts:
"PRIVATES, EVERYONE WHO HAS A MOTHER, MOVE TWO STEPS TO THE FRONT... PETROV, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?!"
I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid, but I can stop any time.
I was at the park and couldn't figure out why the Frisbee was getting bigger as it got closer.
Then it hit me.
I quit my job at the helium factory, I refused to be spoken to in that tone!
Vendor say "Eight dollars." The Dalai Lama pays with a ten.
The vendor hands him the hot dog. The Dalai Lama asks "What about my change?"
The vendor says "Change must come from within"
The Dalai Lama pulls out a Glock and demands his money.
The vendor yells "I thought you were all about inner peace!"
The Dalai Lama says "This is my inner piece."
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender asks “is that a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate responds “ayyyy, it’s drivin me nuts!”
If you want more, let me know... I can copy and paste as fast as anyone over the age of 70!
There was a bricklayer who mastered his craft to the point where he could calculate how many brick a job would take and not have any left over when he was finished. One day, he decided to do a project with his son, to teach him the trade, and build a brick barbeque. They get the supplies and draw the plans before getting to work. The finished barbeque is a beauty, except there's one brick left at the end. The bricklayer started to worry that he did something wrong and prepared to tear down the barbeque to start again. His son said, "Wait" and threw the brick in the air.
Crap, forgot the punchline.
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Some important things to remember when you have to take a urine test:
1. you are not to drink three quarts of blue food coloring before it.
2. nor are you to drink three quarts of red food coloring before it and scream during the test.
(Stolen-sorry-borrowed from "Skippy's List: 213 Things Specialist Schwarz is No Longer Allowed to do in the US Army")
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I want to die quietly in my sleep, like my uncle did. Not screaming in terror like his passengers did.
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A preacher wakes up one Sunday morning and thinks the day is too pretty to spend in church and heads to the golf course. The angels in Heaven are peeved at this and demand God punish the man who would golf instead of preach His word. God says, "I'll take care of it." The next hole, God makes the ball ricochet off several trees and the clubhouse roof so the preacher makes a hole-in-one. The angels yell, "How is this supposed to be a punishment?!" God answers, "I did punish him. If he talked about that shot, who would believe him?"
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Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
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It's another day at the Pearly Gates and God is determining what souls go to Heaven or Hell. A man comes up to the Pearly Gates. "Who are you?" God asks. "I founded a church dedicated to your son," the man answers. "And what did you do as the head of this church?" God asks. "I enriched myself and slept with other men's wives," the man answered. "You're a false prophet and a con-man!" God yells. And the first man gets sent to Hell.
A second man comes up to the Pearly Gates. "Who are you?" God asks. "I'm an atheist, but I was a good person who championed human rights," the man answered. "And did you ever betray those ideals?" God asks. "I never did, except when I justified torture and war against folks in the Middle East. But they were terrorists!" the man replies. "You're a hypocrite and a monster!" God exclaims. And the second man gets sent to Hell.
A third man comes up. God says, "Who are you?" The third man answers, "In life, I was an agnostic son of a bricklayer." "Did you do any wrong?" God asks. The third man hesitates. "I did right by my fellow man, except for one time where I threw a brick in the air. I never learned where it landed." And from up above, a brick falls and hits God right in the head. God is killed and sent straight to Hell.
> And from up above, a brick > falls and hits God right in > the head. God is killed and > sent straight to Hell.
I finished your post and there was consternation in my brain, things were strewn about, all higgledy-piggledy!!
I finally simmered down and selected one question from ALL those that arose: based on the information you provided, people are judged at their deaths and sent to an abode they've earned. Who judged the now brick-dead God?
Two men meet in a bakery. The first man pockets three rolls without paying. The second man says, "That's not how to steal rolls!" The first man replies, "Well, how would you do it?" So the second man goes straight to the counter and tells the clerk, "I want to show you a magic trick. I'll need three rolls." The clerk hands the rolls over. The second man eats them one at a time, finishing with a flourish. The clerk asks, "Hey, what sort of trick is this supposed to be?" The second man points to the first and tells the clerk, "Look in his pockets."
Lot's Wife, EOD and a school kid were on a plane. The pilot had a stroke, and the plane started falling from the sky. They looked around and saw that there were only two parachutes.
Lot's Wife grabbed a parachute and said, "I must get to Gomorrah!" and jumped out of the plane.
EOD said, "Kid, take the chute. I've played enough golf and I'm pretty good with the life lived thing. Grow up and have a good life."
The kid said, "That's very kind of you, but we each have a chute. Lot's Wife grabbed my book bag."
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/21/2021 12:11PM by Beth.
Lot's Wife got a bit banged up and asked me to reply for her. She says,
"What you thought was a book bag was in fact D.B. Cooper's stash, lost in the plane until that kid found it under the economy seats in the 17th row. I will come looking for you, Beth, as soon as they close this casino.
I'll have H2O, says the first. I'll have H2O too, says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
While the bishop was speaking he noticed that brother Jensen had fallen asleep in the pew. "Sister Jensen," said the bishop, could you wake him up?" Sister Jensen said, "why don't you wake him up? You're the one who put him to sleep."